4 Things That Could Vanish From Existence and I Wouldn't Notice

1. California Management Review, Volume 12, Issue 14
2. Jupiter's 5th moon
3. A person in a vanishing trick
4. Meat in meat pies

The Fever Was Only Beginning!

I feel so foolish. So premature. I posted earlier that the blog was getting hit from different angles by search engines. Well I jsut check back and IT'S GOTTEN WORSE!

People have stumbled upon this blog by searching:
- Google for "Midget Farmers" (cool, i'm the 2nd site there!)
- Google for "Midget Sex" (I was on the 10th page, FUCK, someone REALLY wants midget sex!)
- MSN for "MSN spaces about 'triplets'"

All I can say is, "wow" (it's a severe speech impediment. I'm getting it looked at soon).

I hope this fever doesn't get any worse!

Search Engine FEVER

Oh shit, did it just get hot in here? No? Are you sure? I could have sworn it just reached feverish temperatures right now. Why? Because I've been struck down with a nasty case of search engine fever.

I was checking the stats today, as usual, when I find that I have TWO referrals from search engines. One was a boring old referral for some musical act I mentioned previously, but the other was far more intruiging.

Did you find this blog after searching www.infospace.com for "Hardcore Midget Sex"? Well one of you did and I'm not leaving until I find out how did.

How dare someone exploit migdets in hardcore sexual acts. Midgets should be loved tenderly, slowly, SOFTLY.

Sometimes this world just makes me SICK.

Where Oh Where

A few months ago it seemed that you couldn't turn your head without seeing an ad for a penis enlargement product. They were pretty much everywhere. But things have changed

Today I decided that I really need to get my penis enlarged to huge proportions. I really do need a monster in my pants, it's just that time in my life. I don't care how I get it: from safe exercises to natural herbs, I just want a large cock.

But I was looking in my email inbox and I can't find any ads for such a service? What happened? It appears that in all this anti-spam FEVER we forgot that some of that spam was pretty damn useful.

Where oh where will I get my penis enlarged now?

Gender Modification

I was checking the stats for my blog, as I often do to make sure I'm still loved by the masses, when I see that I have a new referral from Google. It's probably my most favouite of all too. You see, before it was just humerous stuff like "midget sex" that I could have a quick chuckle at. But this time I've really made a difference to the world!

Someone found my blog after searcing for tips on how "to conveive a boy". I've always been a strong supporter that, while posting blog entries that are misspelt is completely fine, you should not be able to have children.

WHO THE FUCK wants to control the sex of their child anyway? When my partner and I were trying to conceive I didn't want to try and make them all boys or shemales. NO! I was just thankful that my child would have some sort of organ between their legs and they wouldn't be branded a freak for their entire life.

You people make me sick, trying to play God.

Owzabout?

I went shopping yesterday for some clothes at my local department store. While she scanned the items I desired to purchase she started talking about how I should go to the snow. She told me she had never been to the snow. What kind of shit recommendation is that? It's like someone telling me I should really become a heroin addict, but then when I ask them what it's like they reply, "oh, I wouldn't know, never touched the stuff, nasty habit."

As I prepared to walk away bewildered, she called me "sweetie". Not once, but twice.

How about a bit of professionalism? Is that too much to ask for these days? Well? Is it, sweetie?

Product Review: Colgate 360 Toothbrush

When I was young I never really thought much of toothbrushes. They were just another random household object that I could stick up the cunt of my unsuspecting female neighbourhood playmate.

Then I get up and thought they could be pretty 'radical'. But that was in the mid 90's when pretty much anything apart from homosexuality and parents was pretty radical.

And now, with the invention of the Colgate 360 toothbrush, my view on toothbrushes has once again been transformed, like those cars in that show I used to love as a kid: Pimp My Ride.

I saw the toothbrush sitting in its packaging and thought nothing of it. It looked pretty unradical. The handle was fluro. I mean, what the FUCK is with that? But then I picked up the packaging and noticed that it was no ordinary toothbrush. There was a squishy rubber thing on the outside: this toothbrush will clean your tongue and cheeks too. Shit, it's like a wholemouthbrush.

I removed it from its packaging and prepared to brush. Wow, the handles are satisfyingly squishy. The bristles are out of this world too, always a good quality to have on a toothbrush. There was green plastic/rubbery "finishing polishers". Sounds like something you might get in a shady massage parlour, but I wasn't complaning.

I brushed. Oh how I brushed. I brushed my tongue and my cheeks. I felt clean. Too clean. No... just clean enough. Yes. I felt a 360 degree cleanliness.

Colgate's new 360 toothbrush really is the greatest thing to ever happen to the world (of toothbrushes) in recent years. I shudder to think of the features that they'll put in their new toothbrushes and just how many more degrees they can fit in there.

6.5/7 (It should have been black. All toothbrushes should be black.)

Pipe Dreams

3 Wayans brothers star as a family of plumbers, struggling to get by. When the police come to take Big Mama's (played by Eddie Murphy) house (played by Eddie Murphy) and the rain (played by Eddie Murphy) stars falling, Slim (played by the funny Wayans brother) does the only thing he can do: he builds an elaborate pulley system and erects a billboard in his neighbourhood that has a working toilet in it.

Will he save the neighbourhood from the downpour? Will they save Big Mama's house? Will they find the bomb before it's too late?

Search Engine Love

Someone came to my page after searching for "midget sex blowjob".

Poor bastard is going to be really disappointed. Hopefully the hilarity in my pages will kill his erection and he'll get back on track and stop looking at fucked up shit. Actually, that's a bit sexist. I guess girls look for midget sex blowjob's too.

P.S. 100th post. Chyeah bitches.

Hold The Fort

I was resting in a friendly old man's fort for a few days on my long journey. I mostly kept to myself in the expansive fort, not wanting to talk to the old man. He came gallopping up on his horse.

"Hold the fort," he said before riding off into the sunset. Hold the fort? I'd never done such a thing in my life and wouldn't know where to begin. I knew I had to do it, I didn't want to anger the freaky old man.

I stood outside the large gates of the fort and wondered how I could hold it. I started by trying my favourite way. I lay down next to the fort on my side and cuddled it. I tried to spoon the fort. No, this didn't feel right.

I thought I might be able to hold the fort up. I clutched one of the corners of the fort and tried to lift it. No use.

Then the answer suddenly popped into my head. I knew what to do. I slowly walked up to the wall of the fort and slowly extended my arm towards it, to show it I meant no harm. I softly placed my hand on the wall and lightly stroked it with my fingers. I moved in closer, throwing my whole body into the movement.

I held the fort. I got splinters.

My Army Weekend

Just one weekend a month, two weeks a year.

Thats the motto of my local ice cream shop. I pretty much go there for all my ice cream needs because of their catchy slogan (and funky flavours).

Anyway, I was hanging out with some gun buddies on the weekend, shooting up. One guy, Gunther, was doing some target practise and I was watching. I made the snappy comment that his marksmanship was "marksmanshit." It was really witty and Gunther pretty much snapped it after hearing everyone laugh at him. He has a lot of unresolved anger.

But it's cool. I bought him some ice cream and told him why my joke was funny. He understood then.

4 Colours That I'd Like To Eat

1. Mauve
2. Forest green
3. Canary yellow
4. Beef

Messing With Their Heads

So I was having a little adventure around town today when I got a totally diabolical idea. Unfortunately it wasn't a smart idea. I really need to think these things through more.

I've been arrested for stealing steel. The thing is, I stole the steel from the jail bars so they have nowhere to keep me.

I thought it'd be pretty cool, good for a laugh, etc. But all it's done is make them angrier. They say that when they get new prison bars I'll be the first one to test them out. I don't have any experience in metalery or testing materials so the jokes on them.

Mexican Feast

So I went to sunny Mexico overnight for a bit of a holiday. I didn't have much money so it wasn't a very long holiday. But still!

While in Mexico I visited all the sites like the airport and the main city (Prague?). I went to a Mexican feast while I was there. Oh man it was great. We had lots of great Mexican good like chocolate, fondue, beef stew and fairy bread.

I recommend it to anyone.

I'm A Horny Dude

For as long as I can remember I've been a horny guy. I've never met anyone that's as horny as me. When I was born I wasn't horny at all but it's just kept growing with every passing year. Now my horn is really fucking huge. Being a tricerotops is okay, I guess...

Blog Review

My LiFe!
http://mengchoochristyn.blogspot.com/

I sat behind the car, biding my time while a hail of bullets rained upon me. Soon. Soon. But not yet. The shooting stopped--they're out of bullets! I made my move quickly, I rose, turned, aimed, fired. It only took a split-second but it was all I needed. The blood of four policemen soaked the night streets. This was exactly one week ago.

I found myself boarding a small plane, headed to parts unknown. The cops were hot on my tail so my boss recommended I took a break for a while where they wouldn't be able to find me. Just until things die down here. He'd send for me when it was time. This was exactly two days ago.

Now I sit in a steamy internet cafe in Malaysia, sipping tea and wiping sweat from places I didn't know I could sweat from. I stumbled upon a webpage. No, a blog. It was My LiFe! by Christyn. Is that a male or female? I have no idea. It doesn't matter.

I scrolled over the content, it was so bad. Just like this tea. Luke warm. Tepid. Not enough sugar. A review of a Hilary Duff song? This is truly a terrible land. She talks...with dots between the sentences...what the fuck is with that?... seriously...and she doesn't capitalise anything...ever.


Review

Grasp of English: 4/7
Content: 1/7

Overall: 2.5/7

Frequently Asked Question

A lot of fans, particularly female ones, ask me what the first thing I notice in a woman.

I don't even know where to begin to answer a question like that. The first thing I probably notice about a woman is her presence. After that I might move onto some superficial quality...

Total Chaos

I rampaged my way to the city today with the aim of unleashing total and utter chaos on the streets and their inhabitants. For some reason I was only able to unleash a bit of chaos. Seeing people still writhing around was a fate I don't wish on anyone.

This is probably the last time I try and unleash total chaos. I just feel so down...

All Hands on Deck

An evil sorceror basketball player playing robot reaks havoc at a trading card conference gambler's anonymous meeting when he casts a spell that turns all of the gamblers into planks on a ships deck.

Will they escape and defeat the evil basketball playing robot? Only time will tell.

Honest2Goodness

I'm pretty sure that i'll start a new boyband called 'Honest2Goodness' to perform my love song and a few other songs I wrote in the last few days.

Our main features will be:

• Honesty
• Tight abs

Instead of other boy bands which hide the fact that they're sponsored, we'll be up front and honest about all of our dealings. We'll make our balance sheet and profit and loss statement open for all our fans to see and we'll probably give to charity.

4 Guns That Probably Won't Kill You

1. Spud Gun
2. Tom Cruise in 'Top Gun'
3. Norman GUNston
4. Gundagai, NSW, Australia

The Exchequer's In The Mail

I recently heard the phrase/expression "Chancellor of the Exchequer" somewhere. My interest was sparked. What in the devil is this and is Spain involved?

Apparently the English (read: cunts) are just having a go at us and trying to sound fancier than they really are. The Chancellor of the Exchequer does the same stuff as the Minister for Finance in decent countries. Pretty dull. Doubt Spain are involved. Unless he eats tapas.

The current Chancellor of the Exchequer is a dude named Gordon Brown

"I like cocaine, hookers and budgets"

Is it just me or is the name 'Gordon Brown' a bit too normal?