I Could Have Been A Star

Although I’m happy in my current life as an unemployed and underappreciated blog dude, I can’t help but continually wonder something: how different would my life be if I was a star on Hey Dad.

You remember.



Remember when the younger daughter grew into a bit of a hottie in the later series? Yea, that was cool.


"Girl, you'll be a woman soon"

But back to the main issue, how would my life be different if I was a star on Hey Dad (and I mean STAR, not one of the people in a small role like Nudge or Mr Kelly)?

I think the main way my life would be different is money. I’d be pretty rich from all the royalties you’d get as a star of Hey Dad. Just look at the people who were in it, they haven’t gotten a job since Hey Dad (cept the fat little kid who did some toilet paper commercials). Why? Because they have so much freakin’ money to sick back and grow fat off.

Fame would be the second main way my life would be different. I bet the stars of Hey Dad get stopped on the street all the time. “Holy shit! Aren’t you Robert Hughes, the actor who played Martin Kelly in the hit TV sitcom, Hey Dad?” Yes. “Remember me, I played Betty. It’s me, Julie McGregor.” Oh, right.

I think I’d also get a lot of bitches as a star of Hey Dad. The sort of people who watched Hey Dad are about 20-25 now: prime groupie age. They’d probably flip out/offer themselves to me after they found out I was a star of Hey Dad. “I’ve never done this before but, well, I’ve never met someone as famous as you.”

Are You Being Served?

I really like customer service. It gets me going in the morning. I’ll wake up, groggily, open the curtains and then it hits me: customer service exists in the world. Fuck yes! But sometimes customer service goes too far in the aim of pleasing the customer. I experienced such service yesterday.

I went to my beloved Asian tea outlet to get my friend and I some drinks before we went in to see a movie while he went to get tickets. I stood at the counter pondering the menu. There was only one girl on duty today. She said a cheery hello to me. I returned the greeting. I made my order and she went to make the drinks.

She finished making one drink and placed it on the counter, firmly announcing what it was and smiling at me. She went off and made the second, returning soon after with the familiar firm announcement and warm smile. But it was more than business. She said much more than the bare minimum. “And here’s your coconut milk tea with pearls. Enjoy.” I thanked her, collected my drink and began to walk off. “Enjoy your movie.” Who says that?

Actually, I change my original position. She made me feel special. Fuck I love customer service.

The 200th Post (Approaches)

This is the 195th post on this blog. At the rate I post I’ll probably reach the “Big 2-0-0” landmark tomorrow night. But I‘m hesitant. What should I do for my 200th post? It has to be big/memorable so I can’t just do any old thing. I want to make a spectacular to celebrate the occasion.

Some of the ideas I’ve had so far:

1. Have sex with a midget and describe how it was
2. Have a guest poster who is famous (that is also real)
3. Get a drink (not related to 200th post)

The first idea is pretty difficult because I don’t know any midgets who would have sex with me. The second idea is also difficult for many of the same reasons. And the third one won't interest other people (unless they have a fetish for being properly hydrated).

Oh man I’m stumped!

Dearest readers, drop some comments on what you think would be a fitting way to celebrate my 200th (fantastic) post (that wouldn’t take much effort on my part)?

A Timely Reminder (About Shelfish)

The search engines are doing their job again (thankfully).

Someone got to this site after searching for “shelfish”.

For those that don’t remember, I think you should read this post about the new word that is changing the way we describe people.

Shedding A Tear (Of Sadness)

I feel kinda bad today. I went to visit my beloved hotbabes when I noticed that they seem to be feeling bad after my review of them. The sentence:

“once again my mind has been racing at many miles per hour. i guess mr reviewer over there has the smallest of points...that we have no spelling and grammar skills.”

Kicks off their most recent post. Can you feel the pain? The sadness? I can… And I wasn’t even commenting about their spelling. Their spelling is fine. And the grammar wasn’t much of a problem at all. Is my review scale the most brutal ever invented? I’m beginning to think so.

Proceedings are concluded with, “one of the viking whores signing off.”

I hope I haven’t contributed to my beloved hotbabes sadness.

Okay, Last One

"To date our local supermarket has supplied the three local primary schools in Oatley with 12 computers.

"I wonder how Coles intends to contribute to our community."

I'd say "give them 13 computers" but with the four computers each of the schools were given, they'll probably be set for life...

More Good News

Bet you didn't see that in your mainstream papers.

Underground for lyfe, bitch!

The Good News

Taken from the copy of my local paper I got today (in regards to a proposed development of a supermarket nearby)...

"Coles could find itself faced with an embarassing boycott. You think it won't last? Think again. We got rid of the mobile phone towers in Oatley Park. We are not going to bend on this."

Ooooo them's fightin' words!

(Accompanying the letter to the paper was a picture of a child of about 5 holding a protest sign that she probably couldn't understand if she was able to read it)

I'm In Love With a Man (Eating Shark)

She’s a bit jealous and she’s been violent in the past but I think she’ll settle down once we conceive.

In other news today, I fell… down the stairs… completely by accident… and a piece of my leg was bitten fell off.



I love how everything feels so dangerous when I'm with her...

I’m a Fragile (and Precious) Butterfly

As my blog reviewing takes the world by storm, questions have begun to get asked by other people. Most are very friendly and follow the lines of “can you please review my blog for me?” or “how can I beat the cold this winter?”

But a few people have begun to question whether I have the authority to review blogs since I only run a small site over here. Being the fragile thing that I am, I took it to heart and cried quite a lot.

I’m just a guy doing reviews for people that ask me.

*sniff*

What’s so wrong about that?

Frequently Asked Question (Guest post by GovTeen.com)

Why do you guys never approve my forums idea?

Due to the frequent requests for new fourms (sic) to be opened on our boards we feel we have to be selective about the once we approve. It is most likely that after a while we will have a free slot for a new forum and you can suggest your idear (sic) again. In some case the Administators (sic) have to make the disition (sic) whether the Forum suggested will get a high level of traffic sadly sometimes not all Ideas can.



That raises so many more questions than it answers (1)…

Maybe It’s All In My Head

Okay, there’s no maybes about it. I just rifled through my rubbish bin for old brunch bar wrappers to find the truth. I found many brunch bar wrappers, all were 35 grams (net). I’m now (sort of) convinced that they haven’t changed the sizes and very convinced that I have an eating problem.

But I also uncovered hilarity with the truth.

I stumbled upon this site when I see that in the description for the raisin variety of Cadbury Brunch Bars, they warn that the product, “contains raisins”. Where do they get off putting raisins in it? Fucking outrageous!

The same site also mentions that their raisin Brunch Bars are suitable for vegetarians, but the hazelnut variety (my personal choice) are not.

Imagine if the world was Cadbury and YOU WERE A VEGITARIAN! What’s acceptable and what isn’t? Oh, man, makes me thankful that I can eat hazelnut Brunch Bars so I don’t have to worry about that.

On the official Cadbury site it says that the population of Cadburytown is 300. Did everyone die or get eaten or something?

The Brunch Bar Mystery

I really love Cadbury Brunch Bars. Not just in an eating sense but in a “we’d be life partners if you could conceive” sense. But tonight I’m troubled. The brunch bar looks much smaller than usual. It feels smaller than usual. If only I had proof.

If anyone has any Brunch Bars with them, I beg you to check how big yours are. The one I just ate (in 2 bites) is 35 grams (net). Please someone confirm my thoughts that these bars are getting smaller and I’m just not getting bigger (due to too many bars).

I’m going to make continual references to this until I find out the truth.

Picky Eaters

Lately I’ve felt rather good because people have actually been getting to my site after searching for stuff like “Jobilates” and “what’s this on my hand?”. But today my faith in search engines was once again crushed.

Someone got to this site after searching Technorati.com for “Charlie AND chocolate NOT factory”.

What the FUCK were they looking for?

Blog Review: rah rah rah

rah rah rah
http://spaces.msn.com/members/bellavoid/

I was wearing my spaceman suit and beginning my long walk to the space shuttle (they spend billions on a space program but can’t afford a golf cart to take me to there and save me walking?) when someone (space groupie?) stopped me and said, “in space, no one can hear you scream,” before laughing hysterically and running off. No, wait, she was skipping. Was this a warning or just insanity?

We’d been orbiting around Earth for a few days when things started to go wrong. Not technically, no, of course not. I mean mentally. I was slowly growing insane. Part of the mission was to determine if Earth tennis balls maintained their bounce in space. I took it upon myself to name all of the balls and give them a rich history. There was “Bouncy” who had fled Antarctica at the onset of WW2 to escape communism. And who could forget “Peter Frampton”? That lovable sphere with the heart of gold but a secret that would threaten to tear his family apart.

My astronautical companions didn’t take kindly to my insanity, deciding that it was important for the mission to tie me to my bunk bed (top, LOL!) and not let me talk to my tennis ball pals. But there was a glimmer of hope. They gave me a laptop to amuse myself with for the remainder of the trip. And it was here that I discovered “rah rah rah”.

As a professional writer (shut up) one of the key roles of my job description is the ability to say what I want with the least amount of words. Littlebirdy, head contributor to ‘rah rah rah’, has an incredible ability to do this. For instance, after reading her various lists I now know that I like her because:

• She has good taste in movies
• She has cat
• She likes tiny staplers. I thought I was the only one (OF MANY, LOL!)
• Broccoli is nice and SEXY
• She shares my love for sexy water scenes in movies.
• She dislikes skim milk
• She likes pancakes. I could go some pancakes right now. Apparently there’s a really good pancake store (outlet?) at The Rocks. I bet they have nice syrups.

And I don’t like her because:

• She dislikes peas (God’s food?)
• She likes dirty old gothic cathedrals (I like clean old gothic cathedrals, WITH CARGOYLES!)
• She said she would do Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman is a skinny witch. I’d like to take her to dinner to nourish her but that’s about it.

You’d have to read my blog for about 10 years to know HALF that stuff about me.

And you know what happened? Visiting this blog made me feel less insane for a while. They loosened my straps for me.

Rating

Grasp of English: 4/7
Content: 6/7

Overall: 5/7

Rover’s Run

That talented movie dog (Ice Cube) stars as Rover, the roughest, toughest, most desirable dog on the planet. Ummm. It’s animated, so you’ll HAVE to take the kids.

*remaining plot not necessary*

4 Lists You Probably Don’t Want To See

• 4 Girls I Didn’t Think Would Make My Pee Sting After I Slept With Them (But Did)
• 1001 Different Ways To Analyse The Impact of Nazi Germany on 1930’s Literature
• 3 Excuses For My Penis Being Small
• 4 More Lists You Probably Don’t Want To See

The Next Step

There’s something crushingly sad about being the best. Why? It’s lonely at the top.

Now that I’ve established myself as “the nicest blog dude with the flyest reviews” I’m starting to wonder where to take it from here. The reviews are only a small part of me but the kids seem to like it. I just hope they enjoy all of my other good qualities (lists, guest posters, tight abs).

But something troubles me. Is my blog good enough? Who’s reviewing me? Who’s giving me awards? Who’s interviewing me? Who’s sending me gifts after I have cam sex with them? Who’s the bank that has MY interests at heart?

This blog is almost three weeks old and I’m not a millionaire yet. What’s going on? I have sitcom ideas!

The Blog Review Chart!

Here’s a list of the blogs that have “copped a review” (in scoreological order)

6.0 - Ladycrackerland
5.5 - Not going nowhere
5.0 - Erazed Space
5.0 - rah rah rah
4.9 - kidexxxile
4.8 - Los Angeles: a strange and unsober journey
4.0 - viking mistresses - bootylicious
3.5 - The On-Demand Zone
2.5 - My LiFe!
1.0 - Camping and Backpacking
0.0 - Clear Up The Day


To get reviewed and get on this list then find me the urn of Vaseas (or email)

I Mean, Midget Sex Was Cool, But…

When I started this blog I wanted it to be the following things:

• Funny
• Tasty, but simple to prepare
• Family orientated

With all the midget sex business going on you’d be a pretty neglectful parent to let your kid read the blog. I’d be questioning your parents why they didn’t stop you from reading it too. “Remember that time you let me read Jobe’s blog? How about that!”

But I can happily announce that all that business is over!

Someone got to this site after searching Google UK for “midget throwing Prague”.

Now that’s something the whole family can enjoy! (“Wait your turn, Janie!”)

Blog Review: Ladycrackerland

Ladycrackerland
http://ladycrackerland.blogspot.com/

“Poppa,” asked my children in a planned attack that was ADORABLE, “can we ride the rollercoaster one more time before we leave?”

“Sure.” I didn’t see any harm in it. Our trip to the rollercoaster park had been a wonderful decade and one more ride on their favourite rollercoaster might make sure that when my young daughters grow up into hot sluts they won’t hate me and turn against me, getting pregnant in the process then running off to marry some sort of guy that always says “dude” (Keanu Reeves?).

“Weeeeeeee,” I could hear them screaming from the rollercoaster as it rollered by.

While they were riding the rollercoaster my pocket toaster beeped. I had a new email (buttered). It was an email from LadyCracker, a character I had seen wandering about in the past. She seemed like a shy girl, always wanting me to review her blog but always too shy/intimidated/busy to ask. But she’d finally mustered (mustard?) the courage and popped the question, “review this is you think it is funny enough.” I didn’t know what to make of it. It sounded like an order, but one that wasn’t handed down by someone who spoke English. Maybe someone from Switzerland? I hear they like giving orders AND CHOCOLATE. Needed a comma? She obviously wasn’t a big fan of my blog (bitch) because everyone who reads my blog/goes through my trash knows that I review ANYTHING!

Little did she know I secretly loved her and kept a makeshift shrine to her in my posting environment which consisted of one of her old brushes (well I found it on the street near her house so it’s probably hers) and a picture of Gary Coleman which I always kiss goodnight. Reviewing her would be the perfect chance for me to get to know her better without resorting to stalking.

Reasons I love her:

• In her profile she likes 80’s teen movies, Charlie Kaufman movies and Alan partridge.
• Her hair smells like rainforests (I assume).
• Her blog is REALLY FUCKING COOL!

That’s right, this was one really cool blog. The main page had me mesmerized with bearded men, flickering candles (don’t stare at the candles, LOL! You’ll get eye cancer), stuff about head lice (helpful!) and what can only be described as a picture of a semi-erect penis lying on a fluffy white robe.

And the grasp of English. Oh, so divine. She speak-types like PROPERLY EDUCATED ANGELS! I’m going to spend ALL my family vacations at Ladycrackerland (or Broome).

SHIT! I forgot about my kids…

Rating

Grasp of English: 5.75/7 (only hamstrung by some dodgy paragraph work)
Content: 6.25/7

Overall: 6/7

Vin Diesel Fucks Midgets

I used to love search engines. Oh man, it was such a great relationship. I loved them because they were so smart. So clean. So pretty. I could ask my dearest search engine anything and they would know the answer.

But no more.

Someone has gotten to this site after searching for “Vin Diesel”. I… I… just don’t know what to feel right now. Do I like being associated with Vin Diesel? No. Can I do anything about it? Probably. Will I? What, kill Vin Diesel? I dunno… sounds dangerous…

Blog Review: viking mistresses - bootylicious

viking mistresses - bootylicious
http://vikingmistresses.blogspot.com/

The first thing she ever said to me was, “I’m going to be a star.” Seconds earlier she had burst into my office then deliberately slowed her pace to appear sexy to me. It worked. I was running a small talent agency in Cooper Pedy at the time, trying to discover the “next big thing.” With her confidence, sex appeal and incredible good looks I knew that Laura-May was the one.

“I’m going to be a star,” was the last thing she said to me. Seconds later she closed her eyes, rolled over in the hospital bed and died. She could have been a star.

I was still grieving her loss when I was contacted to do a blog review for some viking mistresses. I was wary at first—‘mistress’ of course being a friendly word for ‘whore’—but decided that I should start moving on with my life. Grieving and wallowing never helped anyone. And Laura-May would want me to live my life just like she did: full of life.

I wiped the tears from my eye, sighed and headed over to ‘viking mistresses – bootylicious’ to commence my review. The first thing I always notice about a blog when doing my review is what the blog is actually about. Normally it’s quite easy to tell. With this site I was clueless (oh, wow, that was #93 on Helga’s ‘101 things about me’ list too. Perhaps we’re meant to be?). From what I could gather the site seems to be about two young women who talk about boys and… life? Quite similar to this blog, in fact. Perhaps they’re stealing my style?

I’ve never liked Vikings. Not really sure why. They just annoy me. All of that armour and horns. I like people to be comfortable. How can you be comfortable in all that heavy armour? I can’t stand girls who dress in uncomfortable clothes just to look good. I wonder if there are any tracksuit mistresses out there. They sound like my type. Laura-May was always comfortable in her hospital gown.

When they contacted me to review the blog, the viking whores told me that I should check out their June archives because “our posts might intrigue you and grab your attention most.” So I gladly oblige and go to check it out. What’s there in June? Lots of pictures of breasts and arses. BRIBERY! NASTY NASTY BRIBERY! I feel quite sick. I have a reputation to uphold and they try to “tempt me” to a good review. I’m starting to wish that I died along with Laura-May. I don’t want to live in such a dark and evil world.

The other thing I took from my visit is that boys are bad! So true, sister. So true…

Rating

Grasp of English: 3.5/7 (I didn’t see ONE capitalised word in the entire front page)
Content: 4.5/7 (I’m still not sure what it’s about)

Overall: 4/7


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Want Your Blog Reviewed?

Just send an email or drop your URL in the comments somewhere.

What’s This On My Hand?

Snake?

1 For The Love, 2 For The Pac

For some reason a lot of people who visit this site think I have “all the answers” ™. As a result I get a lot of emails from people asking “are you 2pac or, if not, do you know where he is?”

Guys! 2pac doesn’t want to be bothered right now. Just give up, you’ll never find him. I’ve got him hid underneath a blanket in a closet at my house. But I won’t tell you which closet he’s hidden in.

Good luck finding him! I have about 328 closets (at last count) and the ones that aren’t filled with 2pac and blankets are filled with man-eating DVD-R’s and other closets.

6 Names For Cats (That Would Make Good Album Titles For A Phil Collins Greatest Hits Album)

1. The Essential Phil Collins Collection
2. Hits
3. Kitty B. Forgettable
4. Mittens
5. Furry: A Retrospective
6. A Sides, B Sides and Pussycunt

The Candidate

Hillary Duff stars as Candy, one of the schools most popular girls and the leader of one of two waring “groups”. After losing the school election to the leader of the rival group in suspicious circumstances, Candy enlists the help of her bother who is unable to scream, Sticks (played by Vin Diesel), to find out what happened in the election.

But just as they’re starting to uncover some clues Candy gets kidnapped right in front of Sticks’ eyes. Will Sticks be able to rescue Candy, evade the people trying to kill him and solve the election mystery despite his handicap of not being able to scream?

Striptease

In an effort to make myself more appealing to people dating me, I undertook a bit of research to see just what the opposite sex looks for in a man. The answer was as follows:

1. Sense of humour
2. Ability to striptease

Since I’ve so obviously got number one covered (in spades!) I thought I’d learn this “ability to striptease”.

But what exactly was it? I’d never heard of such an odd thing. Teasing was terrible back in school. Why would a girl want to be teased? I guess it’s because they like a bastard. And stripping, what’s that? Like paint stripping? I did some of that when I was renovating my ‘posting environment’ last year.

So I practised my striptease for a week and finally got a date to try it out on. Her name was ‘Wanda’ and I’d asked her over to my place so I could make dinner for her and we could watch a movie. I thought it was a bit odd that she’d agree to a first date that was being held at my house but I wasn’t going to complain. She looked the needy type.

So after we had dinner we were sitting around in the “media room” deciding what DVD to put on. I felt the moment was right so I proposed the question, “would you like to see my striptease, Wanda?” During dinner we’d established that Wanda was a modern girl who liked to fuck around quite a lot, so I was quite sure she’d say yes.

She giggled with delight and asked if I needed her to do anything. I said just sit back and enjoy the show, to which she squealed and kicked her feet up. I put on some sexy music and commenced my striptease. Oh how good it was. I got the paint stripper and stripped that wall soooo fast, the whole time calling her a fat pig and a whore.

Wanda didn’t seem to agree with me, but I thought it was the best striptease ever.

Product Review: V05 Styling Wax

I undertook this review hoping that I’d be able to conclude it by saying that “this wax is wack” and perhaps LOLing and my own spectacularity.

But V05 Styling Wax didn’t play by the rules! In fact, I’d be surprised if it had even seen the rule book that I slipped under it’s door before commencing the review (at least I hope it was its door…).

I got the small, stylish container and opened it. Contained inside was liquid gold. I took it back for a refund. Stupid idiots, how can I review Styling Wax if they put liquid gold inside the container? The local IGA employee was only too happy to refund my purchase.

I took it home and tried again. This time the container contained the styling wax. Full marks to the container for being able to contain it. That part of the product lived up to its promises.

I followed the directions and applied the styling wax, expecting utter failure. But I finished the process and looked in the mirror. Imagine my surprise when I see that the V05 Styling Wax has transformed me into a HANDSOME DEVIL.

I’ve always wanted to be a handsome devil. This way, more people will allow me to be devilish because I’m handsome. Eg:
Me: “I would like your soul.”
Teenage cheerleader type girl: “Hmmm. Okay, but only because you’re so handsome/I want your devil children.”

My Exoskeleton Is Missing!

Have you ever considered the possibility that when you were born there was a horrible deformity and your parents and the doctor decided that it was best to just raise you as a normal boy or girl and never mention the disfigurement?

Well, today I found out that I’m a freak. I was watching a documentary on creatures and I heard the narrator talk about exoskeletons and how they’re vital for the animals to live. ‘Vital’ sounds pretty important.

So I started giving myself and exoskeleton exam to see if mine was okay and didn’t have any holes/weaknesses that a snake could exploit. And I found something pretty shocking. MY EXOSKELETON WAS MISSING!

I tried not to panic. I asked my mum where my exoskeleton was (“is it in the wash, LOL?”) and she said that I don’t have one.

Oh man, I’m pretty scared/susceptible to attack right now.

Frequently Asked Question

I got asked the following question 27 times today:

“Jobe, what is your posting ‘environment’ like?”

I also got asked this, similar, question 108 times:

“What is your posting ‘environment’ like, Jobe?”

I’d say that’s pretty frequent.

Anyway, to answer your questions (one at a time, LOL!), my posting environment is pretty spacious. It’s decorated with old furniture from other rooms, various CD cases, a computer, a Snoop Dogg, a fig free (figs are plentiful this time of year too) and a peacock that roams the grounds.

Tuesday Mourning

I woke up today entirely convinced that it was Wednesday. It was 3pm when I looked at my phone and saw that the day being displayed was Tuesday. How odd. I checked on the computer (my wall calendar is currently broken) and it supported the wacky ‘It’s Tuesday, Jobe, you idiot’ theory.

Wednesday is one of my favourite days of the week (I have 6 favourite days of the week) so I’m sort of sad that it’s not Wednesday today. But at the same time I’m happy that it’s Wednesday tomorrow and I get a fresh start. Honestly, I didn’t make much out of the fake Wednesday so I’ll relish the second chance.

I’m sure a few of you are thinking, “sure, he’s just saying Wednesday is one of his favourite days because it suited the drama in the post.” But you’d be wrong. Wednesdays are great. When you’re unemployed just about every day is like a Saturday, except Saturday, which really is a Saturday.

I’m So Lonesome I Could Try (And Conceive Again)

As I’m sure you all remember/marked in your calendars, Kitty had to flee the country suddenly, but left me with her frozen eggs so I could one day have her children. Well, my freezer broke the other day and I had to eat all of the things so they didn’t go off, including Kitty’s eggs. So Kitty won’t live on after all.

Lately I’ve been really lonely. Spending these few days alone is just crazy when the whole month before that I was in committed relationships with the three long-term partners I had (not at the same time! I’m no cad). I think I’m ready to date again. So from now on I’ll be making a lot of posts about my various dating experiences.

Guest Poster: Kevin Spacey

Hello everyone, I’m Kevin Spacey and I’ll be doing a guest post today on Jobe’s blog. I have to do a few movies today but I should be able to get a decent post done.

I thought that I’d talk about what I thought abut posting about when Jobe asked me. Sort of like making a movie about making a movie. It’s pretty arty and cutting edge. I’m about to pioneer the method in Hollywood.

Whoops, gotta go and make a good movie, back in a minute!

Wow, that’ll be a great movie. I might get an Oscar. Anyway, the first thing I thought about posting about is a topic that I’m very passionate about: endangered white sea tigers. But then I thought, no, if I post about those fictional animals that I invented then I’ll probably sound sort of insane. Plus I don’t want to piss of the Japanese, who we all know love to hunt endangered white sea tigers.

Damn, I have to make a really shit movie about aliens. Back soon.

Oh man that movie will suck, but Spacey gots ta get paid! The next think I thought about posting about was being a celebrity and coping with fame. But then I thought that would be pretty silly because the celebrity readership of this blog, though quite big, is only small in percentage terms of overall readers.

But then I thought—

Hang on, I have to make a bad movie but I’ll say it’s good because I’m directing it

So then I thought I’ll just do a post about thinking about what to write about. And so it happened…
Peace out from the Spaceman. Keep watching the stars (me).

NightWalker, Texas Ranger

Around these here parts I’m pretty much recognised as the godfather of nightwalking. If you looked up ‘godfather of nightwalking’ in the dictionary then you probably wouldn’t see a picture of me because:

• dictionaries don’t have pictures
• dictionaries don’t talk about people
• there is a big debate (in parliament?) about whether I can be both the godfather of ‘nightwalking’ and ‘soul’ at the same time.

You’d probably have more luck in an encyclopaedia.

There’s one thing I’ve noticed about nightwalking since its inception: hot chicks love it. On nightwalks you’ll probably encounter the following types of people:

• Hot chicks
• Old people walking dogs (odd. Drug running?)
• Me

So imagine my delight when I’m daybrowsing the internet and I notice that Chelsea Peretti, a hot chick in her own right, has caught the “nightwalk fever” that is spreading through the world. It’s pretty much the first time I’ve ever seen anyone extol the benefits of nightwalking on the internet.

Symptoms of “nightwalk fever”:

• You will feel “hot” and “cool” simultaneously
• Muscle pains (from happiness)
• Nausua
• Sudden dislike for people who nightrun
• Anxiety (what is that person doing that at night for? Drug running?)

Hobbies

Lately, there’s been a sudden explosion (don’t panic!) in city “folk” having hobby farms in the country (see, I told you it wouldn’t be scary). I’m pretty disgusted by this because you either put everything into a farm or nothing. There’s no in between (or hobbying). It’s sort of like ‘life’ or ‘watching a Martin Lawrence movie’: you either put your whole into it or you just forget about it/hire a good movie.

But I can understand why these people are starting their hobby farms. It’s because they’re stupid. But I won’t hold it against them. The key is education.

I bet they never knew that the following things are more rewarding than hobby farms:

• Breeding rare animals
• Seven Hills supermarket member rewards program
• Hobby farms
• Doing nothing at all

4 Mythical Beings (That Sound Like They Would Be Tasty Varieties of Beans)

1. Griffin
2. Yeti
3. Phoenix
4. Vanilla

Dude, Where’s My American Pie?

Ashton Kutcher stars as Pie, a country boy with a secret: he’s really a delicious apple pie. Follow Pie as he tries to fit in at the big city college and win the heart of the popular girl on campus, Vicky (played by Jude Law).

But Pie soon finds himself in trouble after a crusty old professor (Tim Robbins) learns that a pie is attending the college and tries to expose it for the fraud that it is. Will he discover Pie’s secret while Pie is right under his nose (in Chemistry class (played by Will Farrell)) the whole time?

There’s Two Types of People…

Those that like and agree with Kerri-Anne Kennerley, and those that despise the blonde witch for the stupid things that dribble out of her filthy, uncultured mouth.


“Posing with a dog won’t stop me from hating you.”

Quick Post

Hey guys, this is just a quick post to let you know that I’m about to post something else in a minute or two.

Hang in there! (I know it’s hard, LOL)

PS The words ‘Hang’ and ‘Hard’ look very similar.

Let’s Talk About (Hardcore) Sex, Baby!

Since something like 90% of my search engine referrals come from people looking for various sex shit, I thought I may as well just give in and put some more (free) sexy posts in my blog.

I can’t say I’m surprised. Since I’ve been a (free) barely legal slut, people have looked to me as a sort of sexy guiding light, a beacon of what is considered hardcore and what isn’t even considered.

Blog Review: The On-Demand Zone

The On-Demand Zone
http://www.ondemandzone.com/

I was sitting in a café in Buenos Aires, taking slow sips from a coffee in taking in the gorgeous people that kept walking past. That night I was going to go to one of the local clubs and dance with these people. The prospect of sharing a steamy atmosphere with these people excited me. Through the locals I spied a couple that looked completely out of place. I knew they were trouble from the first second I laid eyes on them. They wore matching his and hers tracksuits (in Buenos Aires? Are they crazy?) and were far too manic to be normal. People in Buenos Aires take on a slow walk to match the flor of things in the middle of the day. These two people bounded excitedly from one store to the next, hunting out that perfect souvenir of their trip. But then something unexpected happened. They saw me. They both saw me at exactly the same time.

“Mohit, isn’t that?” asked the woman in the tracksuit.
“Holy shit, it’s Jobe!” responded the man by her side. Mohit, I presume.

They came rushing over towards me. I pretended not to notice them and focused my glare on the paper I kept by my side because it made me look handsome.

“Are you Jobe?” asked Mohit.
“No.”
“Haha, you’re just as funny in person as you are on your blog.”
“Yep.”
“You look like you aren’t doing anything, so could you please review my blog for me?”
“Sorry, I’m on holiday right now.”
Mohit lowered his voice.
“I don’t think you heard me correctly. We would really like it if you reviewed my blog.”
I felt something long and cylindrical poking against me side. Mohit’s travel partner was pressing a gun into me.

They led me to the nearest internet café, which was actually in Sri Lanka. Mohit typed in the URL and sat me down at the computer.
“Now review!”

I have to say, these people came on strong but ‘The On-Demand Zone’ is actually pretty freakin’ cool. The thing I liked most about it was that it is a zone.

I also liked the premise of the site:

The On-Demand Zone brings you market research about business software solutions available on-demand, which is a rapidly growing model for selling and buying software.

That’s pretty much exactly what I need right now for my business.

There were some really funny parts too:

Almost all on-demand solutions are delivered online through web browsers, which makes them simpler to learn.

LOL!


Rating

Grasp of English: 6/7
Content: 1/7 (getting kidnapped is bad)

Overall: 3.5/7

What's This On My Hand?

It's a Herbal Heat Hand Warmer, great for warming you hands on those cold winter nights. I suppose it's good for those cold summer nights too. The open design means you can wear them as a mitten for your hand or a slipper for your feet.

Is it the most versatile product ever? Probably. I'd say it's more versatile than products like mittens, slippers and plastic.

Only $24.95 $16.95 each or $48.95 $29.95 per pair. (why not buy 300?)

Obstacle Coarse

So it’s Sunday again (wow, seems like the last one was only a week ago, sort of between Thursday and Friday somewhere) and, like I do every Sunday, I spent most of it designing and running obstacle courses. Normally it’s pretty easy since I’m so good at obstacle courses (practice!), but today I made an obstacle that I couldn’t overcome, it was just crazy/hard to overcome.

The obstacle was a rock. I just couldn’t get over it, no matter how hard I tried. It wasn’t even a strange rock--you think I’d put that shit in my obstacle course? Fuck no! The rock in question was just a normal rock that you find in your garden (rough, jaged, rocky, ADRIAAAAAN, etc). For some reason I just couldn’t get over it…

Piping Hot Pizza

I saw in the news the other day that a fireman was sacked because he took a fire truck to the shops to pick up a pizza. While he had the truck there may have been an emergency, but it’s hardly relevant. This is clearly an outrage! Firemen are the only heroes left in this modern day now that policemen are corrupt, Michael Jacksons are just plain odd and supermans are high budget.

Why NOT take a fire truck to get a pizza? It’s a vehicle, isn’t it? Hell, he might have even seen a fire on the way to get the pizza. Then he’d be considered a hero for being Johnny on the spot, even if his name wasn’t Johnny.

I’m thinking of starting up my own rogue fire fighting service and making that guy a captain or something.