Another First Date

So as I’m sure you’re all aware, lately I’ve been going on a few first dates to find a new soul mate and fuck around a bit to get my mind off Kitty. Well I had another first date last night, this time with a female comedian named Kitty (I know what you’re thinking and, no, my decision to ask her out wasn’t based on her large breasts).

It started out incredibly well. We had decided to meet at a trendy bar in the city known for being a bit of a place to go for first dates. Normally I wouldn’t go to places like this but I was pretty eager to impress. After our first “designer cocktail” I made a passing remark that I was pretty hungry because we had to skip lunch at the office (I made up a fake job to impress her). She seemed delighted at the fact that I was suffering from malnutrition. “Wow, me too,” she said. “Let’s go out to dinner, I don’t like places like this anyway.” Wow! She doesn’t like places like this either. She even says wow like me! I told her both of these things and she seemed happy that I had gone to a place I wouldn’t like to impress her.

Fate chose where we would eat dinner. We were walking towards the restaurant district in Sydney when we both spotted an enchanted little Asian fusion place. It’s so hard to find Asian fusion food in Sydney! When we both saw the place we turned to each other and simultaneously said “let’s go there… teeheehee… okay… I find Rove… wears too much… distilled water… this is freaky.” We exhaled and walked into the restaurant.

But it all fell apart at dinner. I thought she would be funny, being a female comedian and everything, but it couldn’t have been further from the truth. Now I’ll admit that I’m prejudice against female comics, since they come third in my “hierarchy of hilarity” behind male comedians and mimes, but since we had such a connection I was willing to give Kitty a go. But her jokes were just awful. I said “you just ain’t funny, bitch,” and stormed out, leaving her to deal with the bill.

I went home and had sex with a mime I picked up.

I’m A Changed Man (In Regards To Orange Juice)

As a young child of 19, I hated orange juice that had pulp in it. Now, as an older man of 21, I crave pulp in my orange juice. I didn’t drink orange juice ONCE as a 20 year old.

What happened in that year that caused my tastes (of orange juice) to change so dramatically?

So, What Do You Do?

I realised today that as an unemployed person I can say that I do anything for a living. Watch how I demonstrate (and observe the demonstration key TECHNIQUES I use):

Hotbabe: “I’m a model. What do you do for work?”
Me: “I’m a co-ordinator.”
Hotbabe: “Where do you... umm… co-ordinate?”
Me: “Oh, nowhere right now. I’m looking for a job.”
Hotbabe: “As a co-ordinator?”
Me: “Right”

See how easy it is? While “co-ordinator” is probably one of the hottest jobs going around right now, I might also change “what I do” to suit the situation. Observe:

Hotbabe (at rally against co-ordinators): “I’m a model (for the cause). What do you do for work?”
Me: “I’m not a co-ordinator.”
Hotbabe (at rally against co-ordinators): “Great!”
Me: “Who co-ordinated this rally?”
Hotbabe (at rally against co-ordinators): “Oh shit!”

5 Reasons Why Coles SHOULD Open A Supermarket In Oatley West (To Counter The Reasons Given At http://nocoles.blogspot.com/)

1. You will still be able to have neighbourhood shopping. The Coles will be in YOUR neighbourhood. In addition (oh shit, that’s two reasons in one, has Jobe gone crazy?), the neighbourhood shopping will be BETTER because Coles doesn’t offer the same shitty selection as your local “superette”. They’ve said it will be three times bigger than the local supermarkets. Variety is good!
   
2. The removal of asbestos that’s required to make the supermarket is bad and dangerous? WRONG! Coles are REMOVING it FOR FREE. How ungrateful can you be? Perhaps you should take up your cause against the people who put it there in the first place.
   
3. Don’t like Coles and don’t think the supermarket will work out? Then don’t worry. There’s this thing called natural selection that basically says if the Coles isn’t meant to be there and get good business (at it won’t because, let’s face it, Oatley West is in the middle of nowhere) then it will eventually shut down.
   
4. Increased traffic (150 cars and 60 trucks) isn’t bad. No, quite the opposite. You might meet your life partner amongst all the new people you see/meet!
   
5. It’ll totally piss off the freedom fighter housewives and that would be REALLY FUCKING GREAT!

Beat The Rush

Christmas is fast approaching. Have you got all of your gifts covered yet? If you’re like me then you probably have. But for those who aren’t as organised as myself, have you considered giving the gift of “blog review” to someone this Christmas (Or any Christmas for that matter)?

Reviews requests have totally stopped around here so why don’t you send me and email or leave the address to your blog in the comments?

Well? WHY THE FUCK HAVEN’T YOU DONE IT YET? You’ve got some nerve, buddy.

WTOMH T-Shirts!

In an effort to please my readers/totally make some cash I’ve decided to make some WTOMH t-shirts that you can buy and wear around. Isn’t that great? Of course. My 5 readers are probably so delighted/elsewhere right now.

Since I’m so down with democracy and interaction I’ve decided to let you vote on the final design (sounds like you’re just so down with NOT making decisions, pussy!).

Design #1

Pros:

• Colourful
• Good for guys AND girls

Cons:

• Sleeves are too big?

Design #2

Pros:

• Good message

Cons:

• People afraid of doves won’t buy

Design #3

Pros:

• Crisp, clean design
• Conceptual
• Doesn’t discriminate against race

Cons:

• Not real
• Shows dirt
• Discriminates against nationality

Design #4

Pros:

• Cool!
• Waterproof

Cons:

• Not a t-shirt

Vote in the comments section!

Would You Like A Stomach Pump With That?

Well it finally happened! Me and some other dude finally went on our journalistic field trip last night to discover the truth behind Sydney’s seedy underground music scene. Part of the fun was being able to reward ourselves with items from the McDonalds classic menu at the outlet nearby.

We knew we wanted meat, we knew we wanted cheese and we knew we wanted it in burger form. But the pressing question was: “double quarter pounder or triple cheeseburger?” We’d both tried the double cheese burger a few weeks beforehand and been left hopelessly unfulfilled (with meat, cheese, life).

I had barely eaten the entire day in preparation (and laziness to make food) so I knew I wanted a lot. I decided to go the half pounder, my trusty companion the triple cheeseburger. We went through the drive-through, giggling at the huge size of the bag that contained only two burgers (but looked like it contained some sort of “family meal”).

I got it home and looked at it. It was big, but not THAT big—a big mac looks bigger. I ate it, thoroughly enjoying all the meat and cheese. I realised that I probably could have eaten a quadruple pounder, aka pounder, and still had room left over. I spoke to my accomplice and he agreed that it wasn’t nearly enough meat and cheese to consist of a meal.

But that didn’t change anything. The half pounder is a good snack if you can get it.

Nothing Wrong Upstairs

I’ve finally cracked. I can’t take any more “you’re crazy” or “your crazy” (sic) questions without defending myself.

I’m hell sane!

Link me to one of those heaps scientific/official internet tests and I’ll pass it with flying colours, but not with enough flying colours that you think I might have cheated on the test. I’ll fudge it a bit just to prove how utterly and boringly sane I am.

Stop saying “you’re crazy… but funny”, it hurts my feelings.

I’ve Relapsed

Dearest readers,

I went to the doctor today/checked my stat counter and I found that I HAVE GOTTEN SEARCH ENGINE FEVER AGAIN. The thing is, I’ve gotten it worse than ever. Five of my last seven visitors came from search engines. Check out some of the shit people have searched for:

• obstacle coarse
• kevin spacey blog
• capsicum spray
• MIDGET SEX (yes, they actually capitalised it)

“But that’s only four”

Yes, you’re right. Are you some sort of maths genius?

I’ve been holding back a MONSTER. Words can’t introduce this so I’ll just come right out and tell you what they looked for…

• give my girlfriend a big cock

Words escape me… I was the fourth match out of half a million...

Sweeping the Nation (With Craze)

If I was going to write a book about this site today, the first thing I’d mention is that it’s pretty much the home of “that search engine game” (after I mention the name of the blog and what I’m going to be talking about in the book—introduction).

I’ve got about 300 posts dedicated to looking at the hilarious characters that stumble upon this site through search engines (far too many to list here). Well it turns out everyone has seen the fun that this is as they’ve decided to play along.

From Erazed Space:
"a search of "oatley coles" on google produces this site on the VERY FIRST PAGE OF RESULTS!!!

Do you know how excited this makes me??? I think not. Not even the joy of getting daily "midget sex" referrals matches this. "

Oh shit, he’s totally biting my content!

From an email from I’m On Your Computer:
"http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=pictures%20of%20nataniel%20in%20drag%20from%20south%20africa%20&btnG=Search&meta=

google search finds in sitemeter roolz.. this person stayed on the site for 21minutes"

Wow. Comedy has the power to stop you form looking at drag (for 21 minutes)!

So why don't you try it on your blog? Just have a look at how people are getting to your blog with your Site Meter or Stat Counter and make a post about it or something. Make sure you give credit to me for creating the game or my legal team will probably hurt you (with illfitting lawsuits).

WhateverWatch

Still no update. BUT (oh shit, should I pause while you get new pants?) the author’s profile views have gone from 1 to 4.

It’s pretty much overwhelming public demand for more.

What's This On My Hand?

"I have many outrageous sweaters"

Uncomfortable and overdressed white man.

Michael Jackson Touched Me

I was watching TV last night when an ad came on (ads on TV now, is there no escape?) for the new Michael Jackson greatest hits album: The Essential Michael Jackson. I realised something pretty shocking: Michael Jackson touched me when I was a kid. Not only that, I miss being touched by Michael Jackson.

Those old songs of his were great man. All of the stuff off “Off The Wall” and “Thriller” was great. Even the stuff on from The Jackson 5 was pretty good.

I wish I could still listen to Michael Jackson and be touched like I used to, as a child. I think a lot of you other people are in denial about Michael Jackson touching you too.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My year, nay, DECADE, has been made by this.

I was checking my lovely stats when I notice that someone has searched Google Australia for “Oatley coles”. The NUMBER ONE MATCH comes from my site and features a sample of the page. Check this out:

“What's This On My Hand?: The Good News

Fucking freedom fighter housewives. For that, im going to
switch my business TO the new oatley west coles. I'll shop there EVERYDAY! ...”

Hahaha. I’d LOVE to see he face of the housewife that read that. FUCKING LOVE TO!

WhateverWatch

whatever
http://c-luva.blogspot.com/

I was in the mood for a blog review tonight when I stumble upon the blog of VDEE: ‘whatever’.

As I sat in my swivel chair, swivelling about with girlish glee, I realised that this blog was impossible to review. Not because it only had one post that consisted of “1st post: testing, testing” and nothing else. No, this blog was impossible to review because it was overflowing with potential. And when that potential flowed over the edges and sprayed me in the face, it did sting my eyes for quite a while.

So I decided that from now on I will be keeping an eye on ‘whatever’. When it updates I shall inform you all. I shall discuss its progress. And, like a small child, we shall watch it grow, together. Sharing ‘whatever’.

Brotherly Love

Someone arrived to this site after looking for “brotherly incest” on MSN. That’s just plain wrong!

I think the most disturbing part of the whole this is that I AM THE FIRST MATCH out of TWELVE THOUSAND!

In other news, more people have been visiting my blog lately (well, slightly). Please continue telling your friends/fans of brotherly incest.

Quick Post

Q: What’s the difference between a quick post and a regular post?

A: About 300 pounds. LOL!

Frequently Asked Question

As a rather attractive man, girls will often smile at me on the street when I’m out in a way that asks, “What insurance is right for me?”

I always look back at them with a glare that says, “Home and contents, baby. Home and contents…”

The Godfather (Remade For Impatient People)

Vito Corleone arrives on the boat from Sicily and has a heart attack while departing the ship. After the shotgun-funeral they decide to have on a whim, his son Michael vows to carry on his fathers business, but instead decides that’s boring and instead has car and boat chaces for an hour for no real reason apart from the fact that they’re fun. Then he dies, quickly.

First Date

Well tonight I went on my first date since deciding to give up conceiving and just live my life as a cad who hops from one woman to the next, leaving nothing behind but a teary-eyed bitch.

I met Felicity at a club the other week. She noticed my funky dance moves and moved a little closer to show her interest. We shook the floorboards for a while until we got kicked out of the club and decided to call it a night. She begged me for my number (how unattractive, but understandable) and merrily skipped off into the night, eagerly anticipating getting home where could stick two fingers into the soaking wet cunt that she’d been carrying around since our eyes met. She called me up the next day but I told her she was too needy, “but call back in a week or two because I might be desperate.” And call she did.

We went out to dinner (Italian, her suggestion) and had a delightful meal. I told her the story of the needy whore I’d met the other week who I shook some floorboards with until we got kicked out of the club (but that’s a story for another time, LOL). She laughed at that. Perhaps a little too much.

She wanted me to go back to her house and look at some hole she had that was troubling her. I told her I’m not a builder (total lie) and went home. I’ll probably go out with her again, as long as she doesn’t laugh so much.

I’ve gotta go, phones ringing.

Guest Poster: Tom Cruise

There’s four things in this world that I love more than anything else (and I would happily exterminate everyone and everything else as long as they stayed):

• Katie Holmes
• My new movie ‘War of the Worlds’
• Scientology
• Cheese

They all pretty much go hand in hand with each other. For example, quite often I’ll each cheese while I watch ‘War of the Worlds’, cop a wicked head job off Katie and think about how I can get more people to join the Scientology movement. And the answer has to do with all the other factors too, of course. If you become a scientologist then you too can cop head from Katie Holmes while you eat cheese and watch my new movie ‘War of the Worlds’. Sound like something you’d like? I thought so.

For those that don’t like cheese, Katie Holmes, Scientology or ‘War of the Worlds’ then fine, fuck ya, we don’t want your type. You’re just as bad as prescription drugs and homosexuals. And let’s face it, if you don’t like eating cheese or head jobs from The Holmester then you definitely fit into the latter category.

Why are you still here?

5 Names That Guys Hate (Because They Sound Like Girl Names)

• Sam
• Lee
• Jesus
• Julian
• Shaquille

Meat and Cheese (But In What Order?)

In a few days myself and another blogger will be setting out on an expedition to explore the seedy underbelly of Sydney’s local music scene. Part of this involves going to a McDonalds that is a little different to others.

While the menu is close to identical at most chains, this lone venue offers a “classics” menu, that includes such wonders from yesteryear as:

• Double Cheeseburger
• Triple Cheesebrger
• Double Quarter-Pounder

But I’m faced with a problem. I know I want meat and cheese—and a lot of it—but in what form? I bet you totally don't envy my position right now.

12.8 Kilometres

Eric Bana stars as Todd Stevens, a young kid from the western suburbs of Sydney with the dream of being the most famous rapper in the country. Follow him on this journey as he tries to become a famous rapper in a music market that doesn’t accept Australian hip hop. Can Todd achieve his dream and set marketing history in the process, or will he just he become frustrated and give it all up for as a job as a panel beater at his dads repair shop?

Well That’s Just Odd…

Someone got to this site after searching for “hotbabes in bitch”.

Who would look for such a thing? And just what ARE hotbabes in bitch? How can you be “in bitch”?

I Saw Batman Today

So my friend calls me up this morning to see if I want to go to the movies. I agree. An hour later we’re walking around the city and I see Batman. No shit. He was just hanging out. As I walked past I said, “hey Batman.” He looked up from his sandwich and nodded at me in recognition.

Then we went and saw the movie. It was okay. We saw “Wedding Crashers”.
In other news, this is my 198th post. I'd post lots more tonight but I have nothing for the 200th post. Or do I... (shut up, you shouldn't get their hopes up when you honestly have absolutely nothing in mind)

Honest2Goodness Taking Over Charts (And Search Engines)

Someone just came to the site after searching Google for “Honest2Goodness”. For those that don’t remember Honest2Goodness, you should probably check out this post.

I should probably update you all on what’s been happening with Honest2Goodness lately. So check what we’ve been up to:

• Recorded debut hit album
• Toured Scandinavia
• Is that a drawing of mummy and daddy in the driveway?
• Made millions
• Lost it all after being too honest and too good