Bitch Slap!

Jobe: 1
Virii/Season of Spring: 0

We back, bitches!


"There's your problem: you fucked with The Jobe!"

Conspiracy Theory

Holy shit! After posting my EXPOSE on spring last night my computer MYSTERIOUSLY fucked up majorly.

I'm posting this from the laptop with a dodgy internet connection so I don't know if this will even go through.

FUCKING SPRING

Until the computer is fixed and I am not in this mood (searing anger) I will resume normal hilarity. WTOMH thanks you for your patience in this tough time.

Summer Blogging, Happened So Fast

Well the weathers finally changing (what are you talking about? The weather is constantly evolving. Constantly!) and yesterday I felt the first gust of Spring on my skin. Oh it was lovely. And I can’t wait until the whole fucking thing is over!

Face it, spring is a bullshit season. When you ask someone what their favourite season is they’ll invariably say either winter or summer—depending on whether they are a fun-loving, happy person or a cold, cold, heartless cunt of a human. No one (who matters) says spring or autumn.

“But Spring is about rebirth and birth”

Pffft. Spring is a cocktease between the cold bleakness of winter and the sheer sweaty happiness of summer. But do you know what the BEST part of summer is? SUMMER-THEMED OBERVATION BLOGS! That’s right. Imagine all the funny stuff that will happen in summer that I can blog about.

Teaser (hope I’m not giving away too much, LOL): What’s with old people wearing SHORTS? Who are they fooling?

Nothing funny happens in spring (what’s with farm animals being born?) and it never will. I know I can’t wait until this cunt of a seasonal is over. Who wants lemonade? WELL YOU’LL HAVE TO FUCKING WAIT!

We Attack Berlin Tonight!

With water pistols, shaving cream, eggs and DANCING!

They won’t know what hit them (unless they know what water, shaving cream, eggs and foxtrot are: I’m guessing no).

Music Review: Kanye West – Late Registration

Oh man! So much hype about this album, it’s almost impossible to ignore. You can’t even turn a corner without someone telling you how great it is. It seems everyone is going out and getting Kanye West’s “Late Registration” and loving it.

But not me, I don’t particularly care for him so I didn’t bother.

Ya’ll Ain’t Fuckin With Me (And My Body Clock)

I was pretty tired today (read: dehydrated) so I decided to take a nap. And by “decided” I mean “fell asleep (violently)”.

It was probably the best nap ever, but now there’s a problem—oh shit. I don’t think I’ll be able to get tired again, ever. I’m pretty bad with naps. Once I have one I’ll be pretty mussed up for life. I should stop having them (says my doctor) but they’re just so damn addictive.

Please leave your phone numbers in the comments so that I can call you at inappropriate hours and say “hey, are you up? Because I am. Want to do something?”

And A Pattern Emerges… (Like A Butterfly/Rash/Wallpaper)

After my 100th post on this blog I got roughly 10 unique visitors a day.
After my 200th post on this blog I got roughly 20 unique visitors a day (almost overnight).
After my 300th post on this blog I got roughly 30 unique visitors a day (almost overnight).

My guess is that the moon (not to be confused with Bert Newton) will be in it’s final quarter tonight.

Call me crazy!

Giving The Gift (Of Midget Sex)

Today was a day like no other in so many ways, except one. Today someone came to my blog after searching Google for “midget sex”, just like every other day. At first it was cool to be associated with stuff like that, but now I’m so jaded about the whole thing. Really, who cares that so many fucked up people come to this blog? Hell, you could argue we’re all fucked up people. I know I am and if you read what I write then that makes you just as bad as me. Maybe worse, since you actually seek this sort of shit out. YOU FUCKING SICKO.

Anyway, it got me to thinking. I remembered how happy and overjoyed I was when I got my first “midget sex” referral. I just wish I could give up my daily referral to someone who wants it; someone who will cherish such a referral.

Garden State

So today I went to the video store and hired out a few movies. I came back and watched them and I have to say: the state of my garden is bloody terrible. I really should stop watching movies and spend more time weeding and watering.

Everything’s overgrown, there’s things growing I didn’t plant, things are dead (people?) and the sand content of my soil looks unnervingly high.

It’s disgraceful.

What Are You… Chicken?

Well, it’s happened again. I’ve fallen: for slick marketing. Every time I see slick marketing I take it home and we fuck but it’s never as good as promised. I still feel just as hollow as ever, but after falling for slick marketing and letting it do unholy things to my body I just feel used.

One Is The Loneliest Number Of All

A week or so ago I made a post extolling the benefits of my new love/girlfriend, Ikea. I thought we could life happily ever after, forever. Well, yesterday I paid a visit to my love and my world came crashing down (like her prices).

Ikea is a shadow of her former self. Oh man, she used to be so great. I could spend hours with her, just staring at every part of her body/store. Even though I don’t have a deck, and don’t particularly want one, I stared at her deck chairs for hours, enchanted. If she had have told me she wanted us to have a deck then I would have given her one. My love was THAT strong for her.

But yesterday something inside me clicked. Ikea had a lot of crappy features. For the first time ever I wanted through her body/store and nothing interested me. It all just seemed so… crappy.

So now here I am again, single. This blog has documented all my attempts to conceive and find love. Time and time again it has also documented my failure in that department (sporting and home fitness). Every time I think I’ve found “the one” something happens to fuck it all up.

Maybe I’m just meant to be single, forever…

Paulini Forum Post Of The Night

I’m a bit of a regular over at the official Paulini forum (you were my idol!). Here’s my favourite moment of the night’s banter:

In reply to Lucy asking how everyone’s weekend went, pauliniangel said “Weekend was alright….but now it’s school and it sux!”

If she had have LOLed it would have been perfect. School sux (I feel sad now--at the thought of school).

Imaginary Friends

Is it THAT hard to tell that I don’t really have any imagination left? Or… maybe it’s still here but just gone for the night. Yea, I bet that’s it. Well, until it comes back I’ll just post some more of those one sentence posts (because you love them so?).

WHAT IF IT NEVER COMES BACK! LOL (OMG)

Google Has Surprisingly Few Matches For…

Axelotle

Such a creature of grace and majesty…

Ma, The Perverts Are Back

Someone (who uses AOL--seedy) has found this site after searching Google.com.au for “tracey spicer sex scene”.

Tracy Spicer is a woman of grace and majesty. She does NOT deserve this.

Turtles 301

“Oh shit, this sounds like an advanced class and I haven’t taken the time to understand the turtle basics so I will surely fail/I’ve wasted my life learning about tortoises!”

Naaaaaaah

My little sociological investigation into turtles and, more specifically, people that see turtles, was my 300th post.

All gift baskets will be placed on the table to the right; All perishables are to be removed prior to sending.

Some Things About Turtles

I was walking around a lake (oh man, these first sentences get more far-fetched every time) the other day when I notice a curious sight: a turtle was walking around on the shoreline.

I was pretty excited and the first thing that came into my mind was: “I need to tell people of this crazy sight/phenomenon!” I ran around the nearby streets yelling out stuff to get people to come down and look at the turtle. I can’t even remember what I yelled I was so “in the moment”.

But I had a terrible thought. I took so long to tell people that the turtle must surely be gone. I raced back to the spot by the lake where I spotted the turtle. I was still there! God bless their slow, slow hides.

Also, this was NOT a mutant or a ninja turtle like I first hoped. It may have been teenage, but I can't be certain. ("Got ID?" LOL)

Interview Shutdown of the Night

Pitchfork: Do you think the timing was poor for your popularity, with the war in Iraq and upcoming elections for both Bush and Blair? If this was released five years ago, do you think the public would be less likely to read you as political?

Kele Okereke (from Bloc Party): Not really.

WhateverWatch

whatever
http://c-luva.blogspot.com/

I haven’t posted a few entry for a few years because I’ve been pretty grief stricken (in bed) over the death of “whatever”. A part of me knew this was coming but I always held on to the hope that ONE DAY it would be updated. But after sexing a bitch I have had to realise that I can’t put all my emotional focus on “whatever” since it doesn’t fulfil my needs in return (updates).

They say the best way to get over a blog is to get under another one. Not sure what that means. How do you get under a blog? I dunno… Anyway, soon enough I think I’ll be normal enough to watch blogs again. But not now. Now I’m far too fucked up and drunk with tears/scotch.

Damn Thundersticks

I went to see a bit of a sporting encounter the other day (not Saturday, the OTHER day) and I was handed a small package when I walked in. I unwrapped it and realised that it was a pair of those thundersticks that all the kids love. I was pretty excited because I’ve never seen any before in person and I enjoy things that make noise.

We entered the arena and took our seats (not the car, LOL). I removed the deflated thundersticks from their packaging and examined them. And paused.

Just how do I blow them up?

I studied them and looked for holes or openings where I could put the complimentary straw that came free with them. I couldn’t find anything! It’s distressing enough to realise that you can’t do something, but it’s devastating to see that every child in the stadium was able to handle this task with ease.

I looked at a middle-aged man as he removed his thundersticks from the packaging and went about inflating them. He did it! But how? He was too far away and in the way. Where did he put the straw? I put my deflated thundersticks in my pocket and vowed to take them home and study them: to get into the mind of the thunderstick and understand how it lived.

I got home and threw them on the table. I pick one up and look at it. I notice that there is a gap in the plastic at the top that wasn’t there before. I put the straw in and inflate my thunderstick. I had done it, but it was too late for me. Far too late.