Sweet Sweater

I have a strict wardrobe policy that is continually enforced. I’m allowed to wear anything except sweaters and girl clothes. But yesterday I bought a sweater because it was on special (rules were made to be broken, LOL/anarchy is no laughing matter) and I have to confess that the sweater is probably one of my favourite items of clothing right now.

It’s perfect for very specific temperatures and “desired looks”. I know what you’re thinking right now--“How versatile!”—and you’d be pretty right/talking to yourself(freak?).

But I have to confess that my sweater is pretty sweet, although it does make me sweat at times (heat/fear of getting caught).

What are you doing this weekend, Jobe?

On Sunday I am going to eat 12 different cheeses then make a 12-cheese pizza.

Oh. Cool. Can I come?

Yes. Wait... no.

Why do you always have so much fun in life? Are you superman?

Yes. Wait... no.

Interrogator-ed

Today I was taken to the police station and interrogated. I don’t know why. They put me in that room and asked me questions all night. In the morning they released me without warning, throwing me out of a police car a few k’s out of town. Those language police are fucking cunts.

“What’s your favourite homonym?”

“I don’t know…”

“You don’t know, or you don’t CARE?”

“I dunno… both, I guess.”

“Where were you when the semi-colon was invented?”

“When was that?”

“WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A MURDER!” (<--- rhetorical question)

Confessions Made Simply Difficult

It’s hard to confess something to someone when they don’t know what you’re talking about, especially if you took a long time to work up the courage to tell them (Jobe, that is SO true!).

“Honey, we've been married for over 40 years but I have to tell you something. This whole time… I’ve been a Nazi.”

“A Nazi? What’s a Nazi?”

“You know, Hitler and all that. Hating the Jews and the Gays.”

“I have an aunt who hated the Jews and the Gays, but her name was Mavis, not Nancy.”

“Nazi.”

“Right, that’s what I said. Aunt Mavis used to make the best scones. I’d ask her for the recipe but she was killed in World War 2 by those people who hated the German genocide people.”

What’s This On My Hand?

Idea!

Make Your Own Oprah Episode

Find a once fat person who has lost weight. Call them an inspiration. Say you want to give them a makeover to thank them for being an inspiration. Not just to you, but to EVERYONE.

After the makeover invite your black friend over and have them sing a song to all of your white friends. If they aren’t appreciative then give them something free, such as a coaster or watermelon.

The Error Of My Weighs

Oh man, all this time I've been endlessly weighing up what to do with this blog.

Now I know!

Normal content will resume tomorrow. Let's get a round of applause and apple sauce for everyone who made this possible. Let's all ignore this past week too (oooo is that a fun game, Jobe?/Can I play <---inevitable question)!

What's That On Your Mind, Citizen Erazed?

We left the windmill of IOYC, munching on delicious scones that we were given (WHOA, he is the best in the world at both blogging AND hospitality). We were so happy we didn't notice a small child crossing the street in front of our jeep. So here we happily grant the dying wish of Citizen Erazed from the Erazed Space, to be interviewed on this blog.

What do you think the future has in store for WTOMH?

I envision something that is coated in chocolate. And maybe a light sprinkling of hazelnut. The name MacGyver is also calling out to me.

What were some of your highlights from the past 500 posts?

Like Adam, i enjoyed the continuing sagas. Coles in oatley, your triplets, your various loves. So entrancing. Bjork like if {{DJ CLUE, MIXTAPE VOLUME TWO OUT NOW}} you will. But the highlight for me was definitly standing side by side the man himself, Jobe, as the top two search results for 'midget sex coles in oatley'. Not many people know this, but i cried tears of joy that night. I was truly touched.

What would you see as the key to getting more comments from visitors and "increased interaction"?

Well, as i have recently discovered, personal issues seem to stimulate discussion. They love getting personal insights. Also {{DJ CLUE, MIXTAPE VOLUME TWO OUT NOW}} the offer of candy. Sweet sweet candy. None of that cheap shit though. Only the good stuff.

You're doing your honours thesis on sex in advertising. Do you think WTOMH needs to become sexier (less sexy?) to reach its audience?

Well, from my extensive research, the open individuals and extraverted individuals will love more sex. The neurotics will hate it. So you need to see what your target market is like and go from there.

What animal do you think {{DJ CLUE, MIXTAPE VOLUME TWO OUT NOW}} represents the spirit of WTOMH?

Well, i dont know if you would call it an animal, but a midget would well represent WTOMH. It's short (all quality though), amusing and has stubby fingers. Otherwise, I would go with a Stegosuarus, cos stegosauruses are cool.

The large planetary system?

I concurr.

What's That On Your Mind, IOYC?

Day 23. We left base camp and left Adam in a sack/whole heap of trouble on the side of the road a few miles out of town. We drove for a few hours, stopping for a seafood lunch, and arrived at our next destination in record time. We entered the windmill and said a big hello/hi to Black Wind, Fire and Steel from I'm On Your Computer.

Do you think the break will really do anything for WTOMH?

Probly make it into a new Web Page, like a Chrysalis or some shit.

Just how many times did the blog amaze you to the point of LOLing and screaming 'I can't believe he went there' in shock/amazement?

Once I fell into a massive well and the only thing that got me out was a rope made out of dudes screaming 'SHIT --> I love WTOMH'. I think some of them were dead.

How do you think the probable upcoming employment of that Jobe fella will impact WTOMH and it's pure excellence?

It'll be pretty fucked if your Company Position is: 'Angry Chairman'. No time for Journalism, only for High-Powered Meetings.

What themes would you like to see stay and what ones would you like to see retired with a shotgun?

I'd sure like it if there were more Caveman stories. Are you fucking RACIST AGAINST CAVEMEN?

(Rhetorical Question)

What do you thing has been on my hand all this time?

Dude, that shit would require 400 Doctors to diagnose. Not just one Journalist with little / no training of Medicine (but a heart of Gold?)

What do you like to do on a Sunday morning?

Pray and also fuck stuff up.

What’s That On Your Mind, Adam?

As 'What's This On My Hand?' prepares to shape-shift like a DrWho/cat, I've decided to ask some of the more active and noteworthy readers their thoughts on "stuff". First stop HAD TO BE (ie he was first to reply) Adam from that site.

I CHOOSE YOU, {{INTERVIEWAZARD}}!

Why did the first 500 posts of WTOMH mean to you/your organisation?

I'll admit, that I really only became a regular entertainee (ie, one who is entertained) by your blog for the last 250 posts and really only skimmed/ignored the first 250. The last 250 have taken me on a journey through life and left me pondering questions I had not come to realise just yet. I found myself laughing out loud at the bizarreness and randomness of some of the posts. The times when I did not laugh out loud I was way totally entertained. Each morning I check out what's on my hand after reading my personal e-mails and before tackling any work related e-mails.

Do you think it's wrong to fuck with a winning formula?

No. I don't.

I think that the bits that make me laugh will exist in whatever form your blog takes, I don't imagine that any format will obstruct the hilarity/stupid phrasing.

What are you expecting from the new WTOMH?

I'm expecting far more life lessons from the new QWHTAKMJAHSYJSOY. Sure, you're younger than me and live in a different city, BUT THAT"S NOT FREAKIN GONNA STOP ME LEARNING LIFE LESSONS - Freakin' Jeez!! I'd also like to see less full frontal nudity but more/same interaction with your loyal fans, ie, that Erased guy. Maybe a crossover feature like all those shows on Crime Night on Ten. I'd like to see more Jobe and less KerryAnneKennally. The thing is, you don't have to be the best blog in the world. Ms Fits does her thing, IOYC does his thing, Book Book does his thing and you do your thing and I'm proud that you're all putting in a bang up effort to entertain me and possibly others.

What would you like to see on my hand in the future (content wise)?

I have always very much enjoyed the continuing sagas, the triplets, the missing pussy cat, Sarah, etc. I would be very sad if I did not see other/better sagas in the future. No pressure, just make sure it's freakin good stuff.

Do you think it's going to be any good? Or will it be like "New Coke" and suck so much arse that the original recipe has to be brought back and repackaged to appease consumers?

Dude, if you're on the case, I'm pretty sure it's going to be good. If you leave upto that retard Rove/The Prez of USA [ed. does he mean George Bush or the shitty band?] then you might just be in trouble. I'm quietly confident. Hey, is there anyone that thinks the new version is going to be crap? I'd like to bet them $5. (Say no to gambling).

What would be your advice to kids these days?

My advice to kids is:

• Carry lubricant.
• Don't eat dirt that has worms in it. Oh okay, don't look at me like that, goddamit don't cry, alright eat the freakin dirt.
• Enjoy your childhood before you get sold to the Burma government to be a child soldier.
• Ronald McDonald can't be killed, but give it a damn good try.
• Do you like Ninja Turtles?
• Don't grip crayons with your fist - use thumb and forefinger.
• Enter as many competitions as you can, it gets harder as you get older.
• You are invincible. Enjoy falling over.

Oh who will join us next on this star-studded excursion of facts?

Could it be YOU?!

Don’t Call It A Comeback: The Interview

“I want to do it, but I just need to make a change. Everyone is getting bored with it.”

“Are THEY getting bored of it, or are YOU?” (profound glance)

“No, they are.”

“Oh.” (time passes with a menacing, awkward silence) “Can’t it be both?”

“Not really. Look, do you have an idea how I can make it different? Better?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re a consultant and I crave consultancy.”

“Or am I just an internal dialogue?”

“No. You’re a consultant.”

“Oh, right. My absent-mindedness disguises my true brilliance sometimes.”

“So what ideas do you have?”

“You need a strategy. You need to strategise and develop a strategy which you can use. You need to find your strategic intentions and turn them into a strategy through strategising.”

And so it beings…

Temporary Insights Into My Mind

If you come back I promise things will be better than they were before.

I miss you and… and I need you.

Come Back, We Need You

Wow. Despite being in a hibernation (of hilarity), the search engines have gone nutty over me. Check some of these referrals from the last two days:

• Best high-capacity MP3 player
• X-men-3
• How to conceive a girl
• Raising triplets
• Hotbabes
• X-men-3 (yes, again. I’m pretty much an “X-Men 3 zone” now)
• Best striptease ever
• Axelotle

That is so me!