The People Have Spoken

The people have ALWAYS spoken. If we didn’t speak the world would be different and there would be no capitalism, just 99% fat free salads and calcium enriched water.

You SHOULD say “the people have spoken with a clear majority speaking in favour of one of the choices there were presented with.”

But will you do it? No. Insolent fuck.

Fluro

Where did fluoro colours come from? They don’t exist in nature. Who invented them? Was it a man called Jacque Fluoro?

I would like to shake his hand, but he is most likely dead, as most inventors are.

What’s Up With… Builders

If I could build shit, I wouldn’t build anything for anyone else. Market forces dictate that I could then sell my built houses for about lots of cash, since no one else would have money. If every builder did it they could charge whatever they wanted.

Builders need to recognize. (Yes, that’s what they need to do, Jobe)

Abbreviation* (of Love)

Everything is more efficient when you abbreviate terms in your business. It’s just a fact you cannot fuck with. And if you do fuck with that fact, you will not have a fulfilling relationship that lasts beyond the physical. But now that every business abbreviates you need to find a new way to get ahead! That’s why you should look into abbreviating your abbreviations.

HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE???/You have clearly stumbled upon the most important business breakthrough of the last 50 cycles of the moon/We are failing at business because we use outdated methods to tell the time.

I’m glad you asked <---fake sincerity, the customer likes that Some companies abbreviate something down to a word. That’s just stupid!

PIN = Personal Identification Number

WRONG!!!!!

PIN = INEFFICIENT!

CORRECT!!!!! (holy shit, is it Christmas?)

Did you know that if you use two letters to abbreviate you can get like 6007 combinations? It’s fucking maths, the maths never lie.

Now that you have the secret to business, you can succeed. Just don’t tell anyone, *LOL <---example.

Like I Said…

IT WASN’T JUST YOU

LOTS OF PEOPLE HAVE SAID THAT EXACT SAME THING IN THE PAST

STOP TAKING OWNERSHIP OF SOMETHING THAT ISN’T YOURS

Micro Scrub Particles

My shower scrub contains micro scrub particles. The particles are still quite large. Would a shower scrub with macro scrub particles just be a soapy pebble driveway? I believe so.

The Well Informed But Humble Man

Random hotbabe: “You’re handsome.”

Dr. The well-informed but humble man: “I know.”

Ohhhhh, I know what you’re thinking here: “our fateful hero has become arrogant.” But you’re wrong! How do you know that he hasn’t done an extensive study to find out what is handsome and what is not handsome, and along the way found out that he falls into an upper quintile or some shit?

You don’t. So stop judging him, please. You’re making yourself look stupid.

Life 101 with Robert Palmer

What's a creepier thing to hear from a stranger on the street?

• I want to watch you sleep.

OR

• I want to watch you sleep with someone else.

OR

• I want to watch you sleep with me through the use of a series of expertly positioned mirrors in the bedroom.

If they had the expertise to do something like that, I would wonder.

Do Iiiiiiiit <---persuasive tone

It appears that a lot of people are afraid to play the “crazy insane search engines referrals in site meter” game. They are afraid. It is possibly the first game to challenge the incredible success of Boggle.

It has a long way to go until it can win over more hearts than Boggle, but I think it can get there.

To the people who are afraid to play the game I say this: Let Boggle go. It was great, but now it’s time for a new champion.

I’m Flaming!

The next “big thing” (is it a pineapple or banana? If not, I’m not interested) in fashion jeans:

Scorch marks

Trust me.

I’m thinking of making some scorch marks in my own jeans to start the trend. I’d imagine a lot of hotbabes will come up to me and ask “why are your jeans scorched?” and say things like “that’s hot!” and “my maternal instincts are kicking in. I want to take you home and give you a 3rd degree LOVIN’”.

4 Things I Learnt At Corporate Training That I Didn’t Know Before Today

• You can make a difference in peoples lives by just following a few simple rules!
• It takes commitment and dedication to reach the top! Also arms (discriminatory hiring practices, wtf?)
• If the customer on the phone doesn’t understand what you’re telling them, don’t worry, just YELL AS LOUDLY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.
• LOL stands for two things now, one is no laughing (out loud) matter.

Let’s Get Motiv8d

Everything’s more fun and exciting when numbers or homonyms are used instead of letters.

Get inspEYErd.

Doesn’t it make you feel GR8? Time 2 make it happen!

Pictionary Tips

1. If you can’t draw a leg of ham, don’t try to draw one.
2. I CANNOT LOSE
3. Above all, have fun!
4. Take your time to think of what you want to draw
5. {{GROOOOOOWL}}

The Four Sweetest Words In The English Language

Lunch will be provided/salmon. <---oooo exchangable

Instincts Die Young

At what point in life do boys lose the desire to build cubby houses and forts? It seems to be about 10.

I’d certainly like to know the science behind it. Not because I want to get to know it on a personal basis so I can ask it out. Just… you know… Science was the awkward girl at high school who got hot. No, don't tell her I said that.

I Wish I Were Die

Man, think of how utterly and completely great it would be to be die RIGHT now. People would come to you with problems and ask for your advice. There would be maybe six scenarios. But you could get by with other numbers.

Although, life would be completely different if you were a die with more than six sides.

The Art of the Early Mark

Early marks are fucking great. I want an early mark every day. I don't care if I don't get paid. If I'm supposed to finish at 5 then just tell me that my official finish time is 6.

As a matter of fact, do it for every employee in Australia. Make it one of those "workplace changes". Write a booklet about it.

The world would be a much happier place.

Excerpt from happy world:
Man #1: Sup?
Man #2: Got an early mark from work today.
Man #1: Sweet.

Bear Witness

Yea I was near the back of the store. Near the fridges, I guess. Then he came in--wearing one of those masks... ummm... gosh... oh, right, ski masks. Anyway, he came in and went straight to the register, pointed the gun at the attendant and asked for all of the money. He must have been about 5'8" or so. I really can't be sure though... gee. It just happened so fast and I think I'm still in a little bit of shock. No, you're right, I should tell you now before I forget some {{GROOOOOOOOOWL}}

They Said It Couldn't Be Done

But I've gotten home from work and I'm blogging. I'm doing both! Unbelievable.

I might even make MORE entries tonight, since the mood is "celebratory".

It's Evolution, Bitches

I find it amazing that, since it was invented, the iron has barely developed. Ironing is still fucking impossible for me. No, wait, I don't find it amazing, I find it sad.

It breaks my heart that no one has realised that there is a huge amount of money to be made in inventing the iron of the future. An iron that even someone like me can use.


Profits are up. Ironing related deaths are down. <---glipse into the future

Call It What You Like (Just Do It Quietly)

I hired out the movie '9 Songs' yesterday because I wanted to see it. Not for the real sex but for the music and the story.

Nobody believed me.

9 Songs: The Most Alienating Movie EVAH!

RIP Rachael

Damn! I was just over at Rachael's blog and it turn's out she's dead!

Can you believe it? I certainly can. Accidents happen all the time.

Let's pour one out for our dead homie.

Best Weekend EVER

Oh wow! That was really the best weekend EVER! I had such a blast.

Thanks to everyone who made it the best weekend EVER.