In Love

Today I fell in love. I was walking with a girl, when I just totally fell. I calmly told her that I’d fallen in love with her nearby, but she got scared and ran away. I screamed for hours that I’d fallen in love, but no one else stopped to help me. A few old grannies even stopped to make fun of me. “Oh, that’s lovely,” they said.

SICK, SADISTIC BITCHES!

I finally got out of love late in the afternoon when another girl came along and pulled me out. She said I was stupid for falling in love in the first place. I said I’d be more careful in the future and I’d never fall in love ever again.

From this day forward not only do I promise never to fall in love ever again, I will even go out of my way to make sure no one else ever falls in love.

Claiming What’s Mine

Michael Jordan has his own shoe.

Britney Spears has her own fragrance.

I want my own cereal that comes with a free jumping castle in the box.

Tongue in Cheek

When you jokingly say something like “I’m the best” and people don’t know that you are joking, you will appear conceited and no one will like you.

But you get a reputation as a bad boy and girls flock to your side.

Oh Grow Up

Kids these days grow up so fast. I hope this means they’ll die quicker too.

Daylight Saving

Since when does daylight need saving? It’s so fucking big it doesn’t need the help of anyone. It’s probably so insulted that we offer our help. It’s bullshit. I bet it gets so angry at our shit attempts of saving it (change your clocks by an hour, WTF?) that it burns us. This phenomenon will be called SUNWRATH and will spare no one (especially you?).

{{SKELETON SIGHTING}}

We met in a chat room/ Don't trust him, he's not what he says he is!

Don't forget to report your own skeleton sightings in the comments section.

Apt Metaphor

No one at work has discovered my tremendous secret: I’m that Jobe dude (oh shit).

I’m like Superman really. Minus, you know, the talents.

At least I’m not allergic to kryptonite…

{{HAVE YOU SAVED THE FUCKING CHEETAHS YET???}}

Bird Flu Diary (An Ongoing Saga)

4am: Wake up in cold sweat. Where did it come from? Whose is it? Return to sleep.

1pm: Wake up in warm sweat. People pay a lot of money for this: mineral bath. Could I charge money to let people sleep in my bed in the naturally occurring warm sweats?

115pm: Begin working on business plan. Could this be my last business plan pull before I succumb to the disease?

3pm: Inquire about a personal loan. If I only have a week to live I’m gonna party like it’s 1999 (and I’m dying of bird flu so I want to make the last week of my life exciting).

4pm: Work in the lab on science.

430pm: Cure cancer accidentally. Still no cure for bird flu.

6pm: Not much time left, trying to combine all of the things I want to do before I die. Can I bungie jump while eating a giraffe and having a threeway with two hot brunette indie rock chicks? Will they try to eat some of the giraffe????

830pm: Hit an emu’s neck with a baseball ball (just picture it! So fun it should be illegal),

835pm: Find out hitting an emu’s neck with a baseball bat IS illegal. How far away is Mexico from Revesby?

1012pm: Teach “Coping with Bird Flu” course at community centre. Students don’t appreciate the special guest appearance by bird flu, have trouble coping.

11pm: Take home student to sleep with. Course groupies rock. Sleep contentedly. Guilt of infecting her with bird flu not yet realised.

Frequently Asked Question

“Jobe, I’m a modern day girl looking for love (where the FUCK is your question already?). What is the modern day way to a man’s heart?”

Through a truly great couch.

Any modern man can be seduced by any modern girl if they are sitting on a truly great couch.

Bird Flu Diary (An Ongoing Saga)

830am: Wake up. Still affected by bird flu.

840am: Masturbate in shower. Could this be my last shower toss before succumbing to the disease?

850am: Masturbate in shower again. Could THIS be my last shower toss before succumbing to the disease?

10am: Walking to work. Cursing every bird, bird salesman and gypsy I meet.

12pm: Contemplate existence.

1201pm: Get given fruit by co-worker.

1pm: We’ve lost three of our deckhands overboard during the night. The water is just too strong. I don’t think we’ll make it home alive. Told first mate that if I die tell my wife I love her, knowing full well that if I die he almost definitely will too.

2pm: Nap. Overcome by bird flu related lethargy?

3pm: Boss comes by and notices I’m not actually doing any work. After telling her I haven’t done anything all day I get yelled at. Bird flu not accepted as valid excuse.

315pm: Walk home from work after being sent home, cursing every bird, bird salesman, gypsy and boss I meet.

4pm: The Labor party is misguided. Kim teases me. Why does he do this? So very sad.

405pm: Excited about the future of the country.

405pm: Convinced Uncle Gough hates me. Conspiracy???

6pm: Cook dinner. Tonight it’s stir fry. It’s always stir fry.

7pm: Become world famous bird flu consultant. Have “all the answers” while also having “bird flu”.

9pm: Masturbate in front of television. Could this be the last time I imagine Tracey Spicer in THAT way?

11pm: Can’t sleep. Things on my mind keeping me awake: bird flu, girls, pressure to succeed. WHY GOD WHY ISN’T THERE A CURE. ARE YOU LISTENING?

12pm: Pray, cry self to sleep.

{{SKELETON SIGHTING}}

LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!

Don't forget to report your own skeleton sightings in the comments section.

Hey There

I like hanging out with old men. It’s pretty fun because they know how to treat women well. After hanging out with old men for the week (work experience) I have acquired the following infallibe tips for “scoring” (as they call it) with girls:

• Dance with them. Charleston is recommended. Waltz is allowable.
• Call them a “hot chickie babe” in your best grandpa voice. It will make them remember good times and want to sleep with you.
• “Are you another one of the thieving nurses that work at my nursing home? Because you just took my breath away.”
• Beige is the colour of “allure”.
• Smell like musk. Everyone likes musk.

Public Service Announcement

Skeletons are currently, like, everywhere.
Watch out and be careful. If you see a skeleton, do not approach it.

I Have Bird Flu

I think… (where did it fly too?)

Pat Yourself On The Back

I was wandering around the office today, just saying “wassup” to people (holy shit, that’s so unprofessional) when I passed one of my co-workers in the hallway: Pat Webber. I said ‘hi’ as I walked past and Pat returned the greeting.

But I suddenly remembered I had to tell Pat that he did a good job the other day on cash flow and shit (wtf?). I spun around and called out Pat’s name. Before he turned around I saw something odd. On the back of his shirt was a picture of himself. I panicked; I stuttered; I said, “Pat…. Yourself… on the back… for... ahhhh... job well done…”

He just said, “I know... I know…”

Blog Review

Any of you newbies to my site want a blog review? I’ve been meaning to do a new one for a while and you can save me precious seconds pressing the “next blog” button by putting the URL to your site/blog/cat in the comments section.
Free traffic for you, yay!

Hit Me Baby, One More Time

The hits to this site are disappearing. Where have all the flowers gone? Are the two disappearances related?

I don’t want to seem needy, but please come back. You have no idea how much I need you. If you come back I will do the following things:

• Change
• Shower you in gifts until you are fucking soaked from head to toe (in gifts?)
• “Bury the hatchet” with IOYC. (OMG that’s so racist!/will there be a ceremony?)
• Learn Canadian and make posts in Canadian and use Mandarin to insult you so you aren't offended.
• Punctuate 35%, more.

A Bit… Fruity

A girl at work keeps giving me fruit, even when I don’t ask for it or clearly say ‘no’.

How can I get her to stop?

Are tranquilisers in the workplace considered harassment? What about pornographic desk calendars?

Honest2Goodness Update

Chad has been admitted to a private clinic in New York for substance abuse and exhaustion. He didn’t take the end of the band well and has spiralled into a life of depression and abuse.

Tad and Mike would like to extend their best wishes to Chad’s family and friends and hope for the quick recovery of their bandmate and friend.

It Was All In My Head

Aneurism

It’s In The Way She Moves…

Rheumatoid arthritis

It’s In Her Eyes…

Glaucoma

Fashion Tips

If you’re going to make the life choice to cut your thighs with a razor blade frequently, do not walk through the city wearing a short skirt. You will draw attention to yourself.

OR IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED ALL ALONG?

A Brief Discussion

So today I was out on the town and I had a lunch meeting with a sunroof. We’re pretty old friends (we go way back). During lunch the sunroof got pretty depressed when I asked him what’s new in his life. Basically he rattled on for a few minutes before going into a diatribe and listing the things he hates as:

• Poor sunroof maintenance
• Those commercials on TV for cheap crap nobody wants {{AVAILABLE FOR ONE DAY ONLY}}
• Responsibility/having to grow up
• Paris Hilton
• Bird flu

Home Is Where…

“Where having you been all this time, living under a rock?”

“I WASN’T LIVING THERE I WAS SQUASHED. WHY DIDN’T YOU HELP ME? I HAD TO CHEW OFF MY OWN LEG TO ESCAPE. THEY DON’T GROW BACK. WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT?”

What's This On My Hand?

Catchy song

The Price of Guilt

If I had a dollar for every time someone said “here, this is my last dollar, just take it. It’s not like I can do anything with it,” I would have one dollar and a tremendous guilt problem.

And they could only envy me for having everything.

Re: Furbishment

I’m pretty much obsessed with furbishments and furbishment-related accessories right now. Probably because I'm resisting the current post-refurbishmentism trend that's sweeping the floors of the nation's dusty water coolers/designated work-place conversational areas.

I’m thinking of starting a ‘zine to celebrate furbishments and possibly review furbishment-related products.

It will be called ‘Furbishment Hitz’ and will be responsible for running the voting for the bi-annual (so many products, so little recognition) furbishment industry awards: The Furby’s.

Man I Suck

I used to say that I dwelled in ambiguity to describe how I could be so cool AND hot at the same time. But now I realise I was just being a wanker and I was neither.

Please go to the ticket office for a partial refund.

Things Will Never Be The Same Again…

It was either the Spice Girls or one of the Spice Girls that had that song that went “things will never be the same again”. I used to think it was about love or romance or rough, fucked up sex (things will never be the same again, now that you’ve told me you want to piss on my face), but I was wrong.

Things will never be the same again, once you discover how to iron properly.

Migh Club, Yore Club, Hour Club

I think I’m going to use the proceeds of this blog to buy candy, mountains of candy. My mountain will have a name. Like… Rod or something (come see Mount Rod Candy?). With the money I make from charging admission to see the mountain of candy I will open my own RNB SUPERCLUUUUUB. I’m just really sick of waking up the next day in the arms of a strange hotbabe, regretting dancing to THAT song. Oh, and the 25 other consecutive THATSONGs.

I think my club will be called “Migh Club” and it will have the following features:

• A bar (to do chinups/hang from)
• Heartbreak
• Donut stand
• Hotbabes and coolguys
• HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS!
• Music you won’t regret dancing to in the morning
• A balanced budget
• Deep sea creature parade on the hour

Bandaid Solution

I think living with a film director would be annoying. Any time he/she saw you wearing a bandaid they would ask “hey, do you have a CUT!”

I’d imagine it would get tiring.

On Location

I took a trip {{SUDDENLY}} yesterday to the dessert. I’d heard it’s a fantastic place to visit and a lot of my friends have recommended it. I’ve fallen in love with it already. The climate here is so amazing. It’s really cold and the air is really thick and sticky. And it’s just dessert as far as the eye can see.

The people are great too. They’re all so sweet. Some look hard on the surface but inside they’re all lovely.

I think I’ll stay in the dessert for a while longer.