SkelKillCon05

Day 1 from the conference set up to “tackle the skeleton problem head-on and develop feasible solutions.”

“Oh, look at that! It looks like a fucking weakness!”
“Word. Let’s get a second opinion, dogg.”
“Since when have you been speaking like that, Jenkins?”
“Few weeks now. Yea…”

{{SECOND OPINION}}

“OH SHIT! I SEE IT TOO!”
*jaws drop all over the fucking room. Why are scientists so clumsy?*

*lunch break*

Too Hot To Trot

Today was far too hot to trot. Instead I walked very slowly, so as to avoid perspiration.

Dream Come True

I’m pretty happy today. Why? Well I’ve already become the office clown! I know, it’s pretty sudden and all that, but I’m a pretty outstanding candidate for the role and shit.

Check out the reasons why I’ve become the office clown/larrikin:

• Jokes such as, “Why is the sky blue? BECAUSE IT’S SAD, LOL!”
• Pranks
• Wearing dress to work instead of suit
• Forward only the funniest emails/movies
• WACKY TIES!
• WACKY SOCKS!
• WACKY SACK! <--- doesn’t actually exist. Made up for comedic effect. I’m THAT funny.
• Old clown died (OH SHIT! Was it vengeance related?)

{{SKELETON UPDATE}}

The skeletons are still many in number but politicians have totally gone and got a think tank happening to solve this problem. Naturally, I was asked to “head up” the think tank. “We were thinking about you all along,” they said.

I don’t want to give away too much, but the solution for this skeleton problem may be related to osteoporosis or OTHER. DISCUSS IN TOMORROWS MEETING.

4 Reasons Why Two Heads Are Better Than One

1. Twice as likely to make eye contact with hotbabes.
2. Distinct advantage at eating competitions.
3. Ability to whisper sweet nothings into BOTH ears at once.
4. You get so much pussy it’s unbelievable.

And THAT’S why you shouldn’t have ignored me/us, you stuck up whore.

Pirate Pilates

Ever since I was a young adult (I’m so proud of you, Jobe!) I always wanted to live on a pirate ship and be the captain or first mate. But I wouldn’t want to be a part of just any pirate ship (mast?). I would have to be on the greatest pirate ship in the waterverse. I drew up a checklist of features of my desired pirate ship and developed the following criteria:

• No Kevin Costners. Bad for morale/box office sales/drinking.
• A flag for every occasion. Other pirate ships and flag enthusiasts will be jealous of our flag collection and try to attack us. But we will be so mighty and full of good morale (flag/no Kevin Costner induced) that we will beat them and steal their flags. On the odd occasion that we have a slow year of pirating and we must pay wages, excess/unfashionable flags will be sold to flag merchant.
• Must have poop deck <---immature but necessary
• Windows XP compatible.
• Sort of like a new wave Joy Division with elements of Pavement, Slint, Spice Girls and Radiohead.
• No gaysex amongst lower ranking officers. Gaysex used as incentive to advance within the company! <---great rewards

I’m pretty sure I’d have a great time on the high seas and everything would be ship shape (oblong?).

Filthy Bitches

So many hotbabes fall for me because they think I’m a concept or that I complete them somehow. They think I’m fucked up and being with someone so fucked up will make them seem less fucked up by comparison. (Dude! Draw a graph!)

But they just don’t know. I need someone to love the sensitive soul within.

The truth is… I’m tired. My mental health isn’t what it used to be. I can’t keep this up…

{{SKELETON SIGHTING}}

OH SHIT! A SKELETON AND A MAN! THE PERFECT FOE!

Don't forget to report your own skeleton sightings in the comments section.

I Like Emotions Tootoo

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW.
That's the title of the meme. You like? No? Well stuff ya. On with meming!
1. Better quality to have. Good kisser or good conversationalist?- Quality is expensive. I prefer value. *sigh* No I've never conversed a girl...
2. Last time you cried?- Last night. I'm a pretty sensitive guy.
3.How old do you wish you were?- As old as the sun. Then we could form a club and be friends. It will be called the SunJobe Club for Legends.
4. What's your real life nickname?- I have too many because I am too popular and I accrue nicknames like interest.
5. How often do you talk to your mum?- Never. She doesn't agree with my "lifestyle" choices.
6. When is the last time someone gave you a dirty look?- Never. I am charm on legs/carpet.
7. Most embarrassing cd in your collection?- Each CD is greater than the last. None are embarassing. One of my own albums is probably the most embarassing because people are all "how could you manage to do that and STILL be rad?" and I'm like "don't embarass me, it was easy!" (but don't try it at home).
8. If someone accidentally spits on you while talking do you acknowledge it or ignore it? I lick them so the exchange of germs is fair and even.
9. Eternal love or endless money supply?- They were both shit late-80's bands. Air Supply had a couple of okay songs though. But Blondie... I dunno man...
10. If you were guaranteed that you would succeed, what is the one thing you would do?- Ask a hotbabe out.
11. Finish these sentences; Okay/Please.
A) Sex on the first date is..... What the fuck is a date? Is that like... a bed or something? Why would you have sex on a sultana?
B) On Saturday night I like to.... Shuffle off this mortal coil and FLYYYYYYYYY
C) I try to avoid..... getting Malaria.
D) My childhood dream was.... pretty shit/fucked up.
E) I secretly envy.... in my spare time.
Now that was a few minutes of your life you won't get back. So who do we want to tag? No one can better me so I won't force them to face the humiliation.

I Will Never Make Another Search Engine Post Unless This Gets Beaten (UNLIKELY!)

Someone came to the site after searching AOL for:
“can a woman conceive while having an urinary tractor infection”

I could write a thesis just on this and it would probably be the greatest thesis every written. But I won’t, because some things are better left untouched.

5 Uses for a Broken Table

1. Art.
2. Constant reminder to treasure life because you never know when it will all be over.
3. Basis for another HILARIOUS Hoffmail.
4. Unrequited love.
5. Wood for smaller table.

Whole Lotta Black Holes

My biggest fears in life are:

• Snakes
• Snake charmers (use snakes against me)
• Fuglybabes (ewww, rather kiss a snake)

But more specifically, black holes. I’m fucking sick of them. They really are everywhere. I was walking down the street today when I totally tripped over a crack and fell into a black hole. Luckily no one was watching so I wasn’t embarrassed. Although I did get a banana peel stuck on me, which I didn’t notice for like an hour.

I fucking hate those black holes that are everywhere. I mean, they’re handy for putting my rubbish in, but apart from that they suck. And they smell so bad!

First Date

After the disappointment of my date with Tracy Spicer I decided to completely forget about hotbabes in the media. What I need for my next firstdate was a hotbabe who was sort of edgy, sweet, but still really well known. Oh, and she HAS to love children.

Armed with my checklist and the knowledge that I could have any female in the entire world, I racked my brain for a few days before being struck with an affirmation: I should firstdate Angelina Jolie, she’s perfect!

So I called up Tracy Spicer to ask her for Angelina’s number, since I knew she’d have it (powers of the media). It was sort of an awkward conversation because she still wanted to date me, but I just wanted Angelina’s number so I could date her. Eventually she gave me the number, but not before crying a whole heap. I told her to put a good word in with Angelina for me. Tracy cried some more and said that she’ll tell Angelina I’m an insensitive cunt. I said that was incorrect and if she said that to Angelina then she would be violating her journalistic oath and molesting Angelina Jolie’s ears with lies. I hung up on her for being so rude.

Never one to waste time, I called Angelina Jolie immediately and told her that she will be accompanying me on a firstdate that evening. She was thrilled, to say the least (too eager?). She said she would find a sitter for her Cambodian children then get ready and wait out the front for me to pick her up. I told her that I wouldn’t be there for about 30 hours because of the time difference, but she said she didn’t mind.

Her eagerness really turned me off. On the plane ride over I was flirting with the stewardesses. But I digress. I was also wondering if I could ever love her as much as she’d love me. I decided I couldn’t so I got the plane captain to turn the plane around.

“But I can’t just turn this around, Jobe,” he said.
“Yea you can. *sigh* It’s not gonna work out with Angelina.”
“Oh… Sorry to hear that. I’ll turn the plane around.”

And so he did. I didn’t have the heart to call Angelina Jolie and tell her I wasn’t going to show. Poor little thing.

0/7

The Hurtness of Life and The Eventual Transformation

The writers of ‘Sideway’s and ‘Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood’ combine their talents to bring you ‘The Hurtness of Life and The Eventual Transformation’, this years must see movie about overcoming the mediocrity of life to be reborn as a stunning, but metaphoric, butterfly. Staring people you have never heard of before who will never give performances this good, this guaranteed Oscar hit will have you crying, laughing, shifting uncomfortably if you saw it with your parents, and yelling for more as you leave the theatre feeling touched in a nice, unviolated way.

Hey Baby

“So… what sort of music do you listen to?”

“Power ballads, mostly. Oh, and house music.”