Holla

Every Australian has a hidden talent. It is a rare talent and many people go through their life without using this talent.

When faced with a valley/cliff-edge/cave/similar every Australia will automatically yell a perfectly formed “Cooo-eeee”.

It will echo for a while and disappear. Everyone will wonder where it came from, then they will talk about carabinas and ropes and shit, like nothing happened.

Distant Stare

The critics are already raving about the new Clint Eastwood movie, Distant Stare. Eastwood stars as Joe Stareman, the staringest guy in Texas. Distant Stare is an adventurous movie made up of 6 short stories which all involve Stareman standing with the sun behind him, staring at people, while ominous music plays. Will Joe Stareman stare down enough people to find his missing daughter and horse in time?

Question I Would Like To Be Asked Today

“Where did you think I was always going?”

I’ve prepared some responses. I will use the most appropriate of the following:

• “Toilet.”
• “If I thought about where you were going we wouldn't be in this mess now, would we?” (answering a question with a question. Bad)
• “I missed you though…”

The Vicious Food Chain

I ate some food. A few hours later I felt a bit funny in my stomach (But Jobe you're funny EVERYWHERE!!!). I thought I was hungry again. I ate some more food. I felt worse. I would soon come to realise that I was suffering from food poisoning.

Let this be a lesson to you. Do not eat mouldy food. Then don’t eat it again. Regardless of how tasty it is.

“But it’s like a marinade!” <---incorrect thinking

“Okay, I will heed your advice.” <---lazy thinking. Think for yourself

The Food Chain

Imagine if a bicycle chain was made of liquorice and grease was made of chocolate sauce.

I still wouldn’t ride a bike.

Hotbabe in the Bookstore

IOYC recommended me a book a while ago. I finally purchased it last week for reading purposes (that’s all, I SWEAR). The hotbabe in the bookstore (why are book chicks so hot? And why do they hate me so?) tells me how fucking great IOYC is and also how okay the book is. I don’t believe her.

I start reading the book. It’s okay, nothing special.

Today I read more and realise it’s fucking great.

Props to IOYC and bookstore hotbabe (we’ll be together one day, *sigh*). But I don’t know the ratio of who gets more props (what about the author?).

What’s This On My Hand?

Team member of the week award from work.

I never got one from blogging.

I think I should give up blogging and work more to get more awards.

I like awards/validation/blogging <---confliction.

Marketing Corner with… Depends Undergarments

Good slogan: You can depend on Depends.

Bad slogan: Stops urine from leaking down your leg? Depends.

Summer

Now I can’t help but think of that little bitch when I hear the world “summer”. Fucking Kylie Minogue, little bitch.

Anyway, I propose some new names for summer. Try them on, see how they fit, DON’T FUCKING STEAL THEM:

• The 3 Months of Hot and People Saying "It's It Hot!" <---rhetorical question
• Winter 2: Rocky’s Revenge
• Are you coming tomorrow? Let me know. You know who you are.
• Samer
• Late Registration
• If You Are In School Now You Are Stupid
• TURBOMAX3000

Summer

Summer

Summer is just around the corner.

I bet the moon says that a lot to comets and shit and laughs and they just go “oh... ha ha” and pass it off like a dad joke. But they fear the moon.

I’d Prefer Cake

Easyways turned 4 today.

Happy birthday!

No, I will not sing a song to a faceless business (it’s a personal policy).

How To Order (A Guide)

What? Why would I order a guide? What sort of guide?

No a guide about how to order.

Why didn’t you just say that?

Ordering Guide

• “No, I cannot eat that much. But I could eat two servings if you a serving size was roughly half of that. Please serve accordingly.” "But, sir..." "THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT/sexy even when having a bad hair day or with a wild boar stuck in teeth."

Delicious Nutritious Fact

Laundromats are low in calories, yet high in iron and folic acids (and love?).

Funny Ha Ha

I can't take cutlery serious if it is orange.

Jobe and Superman are the same person!!

You heard it here first!

Mass Debate

Seems everyone in the world of Australia is talking about the execution of some dude. I thought I should probably add my opinion to the mix since there’s a truckload of people waiting at the border to get my opinion. They were bussed in specially just for that. I think they even chartered the bus or something with their own money.

Well I have to say I’m totally against it! No dude should be executed unless he was, like, a convicted heroin smuggler or something like that. I mean, execution is way too wrong and absolutely no one should have to face such a barbaric form of punishment, unless, like, they went to a country which had it as part of their laws and the person knowingly broke the law.

I’m so opposed right now it tears me up inside.

Ch-CH-Chrrr Check It Out

Heaps of new WTOMH Live gigs added to the upcoming shows section. Check them out, buy tickets, come along and see what's that on my hand IN PERSON!

One Solution: Stab The Bitch*

* If child has died from stabbing since shooting commercial (during?), I didn’t mean it/still sort of do though.

Much Ado About Muffin

Before I thought she was a large bran muffin with apple and cinnamon.

Now she is a kid-sized plain muffin.

700

Help

I have been kidnapped by a Japanese man.

Things Are Getting Hardcore

The next 5 posts will be pretty hardcore.

Safety word: Bakery

The Mile High Club

People you’ve never heard of before star in this charming little Colombian drama about life in Colombia.

What the fuck happens in Colombia anyway?

Watch the movie if you’re curious, I guess. We use a lot of bleached shots and stunning visuals though so if you don’t get it that’s okay.

6 Words (That Would Appear To Be Completely Random If I Didn’t Say That They Are Distinguishing Features of Dugongs)

1. Rotund
2. Grey
3. Mammal
4. Eat
5. Sea
6. Huggable

Tim Is Running Out

I went to a party at a warehouse on the weekend. Everyone knows that the coolest parties are in warehouses that have been done up and everyone inside the warehouse is either a hotbabe, a Jobe, or an assembly line worker.

So I was at the warehouse party, maxin’ and relaxin’, remembering theme songs from early 90’s TV shows, when I see a hotbabe yelling. I thought they were yelling “turn up the house music, for it is very appropriate for a warehouse party” but they were actually pointing at a dude running towards the exit and yelling “Tim is running out! Where is Tim going?”

Who invited Tim?

Know Your Roll

For a few years now I’ve had a bread roll in my bread box. It’s the only thing in my bread box. It’s really just so dirty that I’m afraid to put “clean” bread anywhere near it. The bread box really doesn’t belong to me anymore…

bakery

huh?

But that’s not really the point here. The thing is that I KNOW my bread roll. I can depend on it. I know it will always be there for me: stale, mouldy, dependable. When life hits me in the guts, I know I have my roll with the punches.

Bakery.

Happy birthday Ricky Roll.

Death Bed

I was on my death bed all yesterday. It was pretty harrowing.

Actually, my death bed is really just a normal bed but with black sheets. It’s not very scary. I just do it for attention.

But no one ever notices.

{{BAKERY!}}

Found:

1 hotdude to attend Antony and the Johnsons with.

C U THUR LOL

(OMG is Jobe gay again, LOL?)