The Road To Raw

Here come some brand new flava for ya eeeeeeyes:

Girls are fickle. This one girl broke up with me because I said I wanted her so much that I felt the urge to eat her skin, wait for it to grow back and eat it again, then keep doing that so her body can no longer produce skin and then go out with her bloodied body and people would say, “Hey, you can do better,” and “she is fat, because she has no skin so cannot be skinny,” and I’d say that I wasn’t interested because I already have the best girl.

Tough call on this one.

When I go to high-powered business meetings and there is a person there that I do not know wearing gloves, I like to introduce myself by saying, "Hi, glovely to meet you."

Haha fucking brilliant.

A lot of cults fail because they promise a lot but don’t deliver. I reckon I would be a fantastic cult leader. Apart from being charismatic enough to attract many followers (with a keyboard), I think I have the perfect plan.

- Promise to take them to a new paradisic island planet.
- Take people’s money. (also be a sex cult to attract rich computer nerds who will pay a lot to have sex if they don’t think it is prostitution)
- Buy island.
- Prepare people for magical voyage.
- Blindfold people and cover with box of earmuffs.
- Admit drugs that will make them pass out for length of journey +1 day. Tell them it is so they adjust to the alien atmosphere (or some shit).
- Place in ship container.
- BoatDrive to island.
- Place people there.
- Reap praise of being a cult leader who delivers.

This needs to be totally rewritten but I like the idea and... the possibilities.

So I have to be honest with you guys. A lot of you are wondering how a dude like me, a self-proclaimed chubby ugger, can bag so many ladies on a constant basis.

I'll be completely up front with you on this. I don't get by on my looks, my money, my car, my skills in bed or my infallible humour. I "have" so many hotbabes because of the pick-up line I employ.

LET ME SET THE SCENE LIKE A WAITER SET A TABLE

I pick out a hotbabe I'm interested in (purely physical), stroll up, get in close, whisper in her ear the following:

"If you don't have sex with me I will molest a baby."

Works every time!

Now calm down! Calm! Down! Nwod mlac! Are we ready to proceed? Okay. It's not a bad thing! Not go freaking out on me man, it was just a little acid. The babies are too young to remember any of it so it's okay. They have no idea what's going on.

After being tightened up a bit this will go well with my paedo humour.

So I’m chillin at work the other day when this hotbabe is all “you’ve got a great phone voice. I’ve been listening to you.” Yea no shit hey, try telling me something I DONT know (“Jobe, you’re not handsome, LOL. JK U R”).

Anyway, the point is that another of the hotbabes in the office caught onto this conversation and said that I have a genuine voice and that she would believe me if I lied to her on the phone. I called her extension and told her I would respect her in the morning.

Long story short, she found out the truth in the morning yesterday, when I told her to fuck off to wherever she came from (work?) and rolled over.

Argh! Stupid women! I just hate them so much. Why do they always pick the arseholes and not a nice guy like me? I'm so lonely.

Mmmmmaybe.

Can an impotent, but difficult, maths equation claim to be “hard” in front of his wannabe gangsta friends with their WRXs and baggy pants?

Wow Jobe! That is a good question!