What's This On My... BED?!

Sweet Jesus?

What’s This On My Hand?

The Calm Before The Storm


WTF am I on about?
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Reminds me of when I thought Quinn was a boy. Hi Quinn. Hope you're well.

The Last Firstdate

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been on any firstdates lately.

The truth is… I’ve run out of hotbabes.

On the off chance you are hotbabe and I haven’t firstdated you, please email me. You don't want to be grouped with the uglybabes, do you?

2 (posts) for the price of 1 (joke)

Today I weighed myself.

I’m pretty grown up.

2 (posts) for the price of 1 (joke)

Today I weighed myself.

I’m a freakin’ whale.

My scales are in front of a mirror.

I dunno, I guess I just never looked before.

Ye Olde Practical Joker..e

Sometimes I like to act all Elizabethan around the office.

Most of the time I can’t hold it and I just burst out laughing.

Quick Post

This is just a quick post to let you know that the release of the ‘What’s This On My Hand?’ home game has been delayed due to the hysteria it is expected to cause. Stay tuned for updated release dates.

Frequently Asked Question

Lately, a lot of people have been coming up to me on the street and asking “are you the new Jobe?”

I tell them yes, sometimes. Other times I say no to fuck with them.

“But... I’m sure,” they say.

Are you?

Guest Poster: Death/ The Grim Reaper

Sup folks. Don’t get scared! I can’t kill you from inside the screen. Or can I? LOL. I can’t really, though that would be cool (for me).

A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I really love eggs. They’re so tasty and also versatile. My favourite are chicken eggs, but I also like salmon roe, which is fish eggs, right?

Anyway, I’m using Jobe’s blog today (don’t worry, he’s not dead! We go way back (as friends)) to let you know what’s in store for “Tha 06”, death-wise and also in the world of call centres. First off, the following people will die:

OMG I CAN’T TELL YOU THAT!

But I can let you know about some innovations for call centres that will make it much easier to do your job! Check these out:

• Mad comfy headsets. Increase productivity by an average of 3%.
• Sometimes it feels like ants are crawling all over me.
• Posturific chairs. Decrease back-related death by 20%

That’s pretty much all you need.

Anyway, have a good year. Hope to catch up with you some time soon! LOLZ, just kidding.

Love,
Death

PS Do you think I could think of a hard-hitting rap name? I don’t want to use my real name but it’s pretty hardcore. Maybe “Grim Rapper”.

Quick Post

This is just a quick post to let you know that the “What’s This On My Hand?” home game launches to the public tomorrow.

Until then, why not do as I do and sing along to Radiohead into an empty Pringles can?

The Ultimate Hotbabe

Today at work there was a hotbabe the likes of which no one has ever seen.

She was a hotbabe2 or something she was that hot.

She was even funnier and smarter than me!

I thought about approaching her and asking her out.

Then I looked in the mirror and realised that cross-dressing is never the answer to life’s problems.

Scotch: How I Love Thee (With Ice)

I love you because every time we hang out we have so much fun. So much more fun than the other drinks.

I love the way you look, touch and taste. Smooth, slightly dark, silky.

I love you because you make me feel better about myself when we’re together.

I love the way you make me feel dizzy every time we’re together.

I love the way you smell.

I love how strong you are.

I want to be with you forever and have you every night for the rest of my life.

I love the way you make everything seem funnier.

But I mostly love you, scotch, because you let me use you as a metaphor to talk about a girl I’ve fallen for.

Mega Thanks, J

llySo I was speaking with this girl once (don’t worry, she was hot. I haven’t let my standards slip in this “New Year”) and she was telling me how she fucking loves my writing. Like, it’s just AMAZING, she said. She started sooking because she couldn’t write as good as me. She said she really wanted to start writing a diary but couldn’t because she couldn’t “write good”. So I was all, “don’t worry, I’ll help you get a good start by writing some of your entries and showing you how to write” but thinking “shit, I hate this bitch but I bet she got a fine pussy. I better get some pussy out of this.”

So she started telling me some of her diary entries and MAN was the bitch fucked up. I didn’t want to hit something that messed up. But I was trapped since I agree to help her and I'm a man of integrity.

So I asked her out. She agreed of course, blinded by my magnificence. We went out for three glorious months. I tried so hard to do everything right by her. I went out of my way to do even the littlest things for her. Eventually she fell for me.

Then I had sex with her best friend and made sure she would catch us out.

She didn’t come for help after that day. I was very relieved.

The 5 Worst Things About Living Alone

1. If murdered, no obvious suspect.
2. No one around to ask “how hot is it right now?” or to hear comments such as “isn’t it hot!”
3. Would you like some pepper with that? Yes, I haven’t tried it to test the pepper content yet, but, yes, I will have additional pepper because I have no taste.
4. The voices have no one else to talk to and won’t.stop.bothering.ME.
5. The spiders. It’s gotta be the spiders!

Overheard At The Fruit Store Today

Woman 1: "Hey, Trish. Did I tell you what pickup line Steve used when we met in this fruit shop a few months ago?"
Woman 2 (Trish?): "No! What did he say?"
Woman 1 (not Trish?): "These raspberries would look more appetising if they were covered in your vaginal juices."

The Best Things In Life Are Free... no money, zip nada

Wait! That's not free at all!

A Toast To The Host

I think everyone agrees: I throw the illest sausage parties in the district, or maybe even the world.

Kicking Off The New Year (With A BANG!)

Hypocrite

I was stumbling through the city the other night when I noticed a crackhead up ahead. I kept walking hoping he would ignore me, but I wouldn’t be so lucky that fateful night.

He saw me coming and looked up.

“Hey,” he growled. “Stay off the crack!”

I looked down, shocked, and said, “you’ve got some nerve to say that, buddy.”

Then I tripped over a crack in the pavement.

“Told ya,” he laughed. “Dumb cunt.”

His laugh made my heart sad. I rubbed my grazed knees and took off, close to tears.