Butterflies

With every post I get closer.

Why can't I stop posting? I need to d....e....l.....a....y making the 1000th post.

3 to go.

Oh Fuck

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Only 4 more posts until I make the 100th post.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?

Are We REALLY Helping The Needy?

The other day I was feeling selfless so I decided to help out some of those less fortunate than me (why don’t they just start a blog too, lol) so I went down to my local volunteer centre and offered my assistance. They said I’d be perfect to help in the community soup kitchen so I went down, put on an apron and pitched in.

But then something occurred to me. These homeless people are getting as much soup as they want from us. But soup makes your stomach expand and you feel hungry soon after, like Chinese food. But the soup kitchen is only open for dinner on two nights a week.

What do the poor people do when they are ravenous for the rest of those days? They’re probably homeless because they’re forced to spend all their money on food to feel satisfied between free soup meals.

Is the government trying to keep poor people poor by feeding them soup? Surely if they wanted to give them a good meal that would last for a while they would give them something like a risotto or some grain dish with a low glycemic index.

Putting The Cat In The Bag

Man what the fuck was with that cat shit?

From now on I’m all “fuck the hotbabes featuring what they want me to be” and I’m being who I am.

Nuff said.





"Jooooobe. Why not be a magician and come join us?





I SAY NO!

I am ME.

Meoooow Meoooorrrrrw

Meow meooooooew mwoooooar. Murrrr, “purrrrrrrr.” Meoooow meowwwrrr meooww mmeeeew:

• Meeeeeooooow
• Meow moooorrrwwww
• Meeeeeeeeow
• Purrrrrrrrr

{{MWROOOOWR MEOOOOOWR}}

“MROorroor meeooooooorrrrrrw”

No More Mr Nice Guy

Well it appears that no one seems to like Mr Nice Guy Jobe and everyone thinks Normal Jobe (Who Likes To Joke WITH Readers But Means No Harm) is too angry (when he jokes out of happiness).

From now on I think I’ll be a cat.

Maybe that’ll work.

Jelly Cups Again (*Collective Reader Sigh*)

I got a new brand today of jelly cup: ABC.

They have enticing flavours like mango, lychee and grape. They have pieces of fruit in them and they’re ever so tasty.

Apologies

Sorry to all who went to the WTOMH Live! show at Candy’s Apartment last night to see me.

I totally forgot it was on. Terribly sorry.

Gourmet Tour of the World

I'm all about Danish food right now. I'm pretty certain it's the best food in the history in the world. It's so good it would probably be the food of the Gods, if the Gods were Danish (because they didn't have globalisation so they couldn't taste the food of other cultures).

My favourite Danish foods:

• ANYTHING WITH CINNAMON!

Our Next Stop on The Gourmet Tour of the World

All food is better shredded. Shredded cheese, shredded chicken breast, shredded lettuce. It's all so much better than it's regular form.

I think Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles didn't have shredders on his hands because he wanted to cause bodily harm, he kept shredders on his hands because he was a connoisseur of fine food. And what could be tastier than shredded turtle meat? Seems to me this Shredder fella was just hungry, not evil.

Our Next Stop on The Gourmet Tour of the World

TOILET BREAK

Back on the bus/blog/road again in 15 minutes.

Call (up the) Centre (of FUN!)

Call centres are the best places on earth to ring. They're always pleasant and they always have a polite, scripted greeting.

I love calling them, because they make me want to be a better person and they always thank me for my call.

Handy

I have an itchy finger. But I also haven’t shaved. I can rub my chin and simultaneously look like a thinking man and also scratch my itch with 1000 microscrubbers.

Mr Nice Guy *

Seems I have a reputation as a bit of an angry young man around the traps.

From now on I think I’ll be nice to everyone.

* Not associated with shit Jackie Chan movie.

Case Closed

Okay, the pants have been located.

Apparently a young lady had taken them. She was 22, had long (but not too long) dark hair, was studying to be a doctor and her favourite musical acts included Animal Collective, The Smiths, Miles Davis and Supastition.

She was killed while the police tried to retrieve the pants.

How does a young girl turn so bad?

But the good news is the pants will be returned to me tomorrow after forensic tests and shit are carried out.

Wrong Number SMS Fun

“Hi mate. Can u sing for us this arvo when u pick up cd. U can sing anything u
want.”

I like the lack of question marks and the absence of the letter “B”. So presumptuous.

I wish I could have sung for them. BUT MY SCHEDULE WAS PACKED!

Pants To You

Bad news, readers! My pants are missing right now.

The dry cleaners claim to have lost them. They located the hanger they were on but the pants themselves are not on the hanger.

My theory on what happened (OMG Law and Order: Pants Theft Unit):
An obsessed hotbabe fan cracked the code I left by checking my pants in under an alias: Notjobe to avoid hysteria. She then spotted her chance, bided her time, and stole the pants.

Right now she’s hugging them, touching herself, smelling them, feeling herself through the fabric.

Not Good (At All)

Remember my post about winning tickets to climb the harbour bridge?

Of course you do.

THINK HARDER!

Anywayzzzzz, I was hoping that there would be some sort of huge, unexpected delay or accidental loss of the tickets.

They only took 2 days to arrive… Someone is still waiting for a bunch of bananas they won 3 weeks ago. But I got my tickets after 2 days….

I now have exactly one year to find an ideal bridge climb partner before the tickets expire.

Hotbabes get in early if you want to win me over with your sexy charms. I take a while to fall for you. But don’t worry! I make up for it by being fast in the sack.

Today Was A Good Day

I got 3 items in the mail today.

For someone who still lives at home and has no life this was impressive.


IT’S A NEW PB!

Good day… good day…

*sigh*

Missing Steph.

Flex Your Mussels

If I was a commentator on a seafood cooking competition television show I would overuse the phrase “look at XXXXXX flex his mussels!”

But the idea of a seafood cooking competition television show is just ridiculous.

The competitors would play along though.

Cityrail Aren’t So Bad

I never knew Hurstville train station was so stunningly beautiful. I guess I just never really took the time to notice. The tiles, the colours, the pillars, the bogans hanging out, ARGH! It was all so good!

Thankyou, Cityrail, for stranding me there for 25 minutes today. I could never repay you for what I learnt. I only hope a small portion of my ticket helps you in some way.

If I Had a Camera

I would put my penis in a taco shell, cover it with taco ingredients and take a picture.

Feel The Chill(i)

You know how they say don’t touch chilli then finger your girlfriend?

It applies to fingering your own arse too.

Feeling The Heat

Oh man! When I took over from old Jobe I had no idea how hard this job is.

I’m struggling to cope with the pressure.

I’m cranky. Tonight I even lashed out at my beloved Stephybear!

I hate myself.

Weekend Comes

Today when everyone asks me what I did on the weekend I think I might lie and say something like “spent most of it constipated.”

The best bit of it all is that it’s a small lie. It will help me get used to telling lies and help me move towards bigger lies such as “oh this weekend? Spent it fighting Gamarras.”

The best thing about Gamarras (perfect criminal) is that no one believes a Gamarra is committing crimes against you.

“A Gamarra stole my car!”
“Yea right, lady.”

The only person that believes Gamarras are out there is Only Good Guy.

Even When I Sleep I Impact On Society

In my dreams shortcuts are always fraught with peril.

Fuck that’s profound.

Richy Rich

I’m so rich I have a dude that comes and sits with me around 11pm regardless of where I am and says shit like “don’t you think you should go to bed now?” and “I bet your pillows are pretty fluffy right now. Only way to know for sure is to go to bed.”

He’s really pleasant. Don’t know what else to say about that, really.

Law & Order: WTOMH

EXT. PARK – EVENING


A girl sits on the bench for an eternity, staring ahead and not moving. She looks deep in thought, troubled. She sighs a heavy sigh and walks off.

INT. BATHROOM - MORNING

A girl gets ready for work in front of the mirror. She catches glimpses of herself and looks away.

GIRL: Why do I keep looking more and more like a dude as I get older? Some days I go to work hoping I get shot.

Her brother enters.

GUY: Hey! Don’t worry, sis! You’re still really beautiful and any guy would be lucky to have you as a lover!

GIRL: No guy would want to have sex with someone that looks like this! I’m a monster!

The girl throws everything off the kitchen sink in one sweeping movement and starts sobbing into her hands. Her brother places a loving hand on her shoulder.

GUY: I would…

GIRL: You mean?

GUY: I’m here for you if you need me…

She turns around and they kiss.

Reminisce

Remember that episode of Hunter when he went for a swim in the neighbour’s pool for no real reason then went and solved a bush crime?

He was so damn hairy. But I was only 7 at the time so I guess most people looked hairy in comparison. I just wanted pubes so fucking bad.

Damn Hunter.

You Can Have Your Cake And Eat It Too

Soooo I went out to dinner last night with my girlfriend to celebrate our six month anniversary. Very very lovely French restaurant in the city. I had to book about seven months in advance, but it was totally worth the wait.

Anyway, I ate my dinner and the time came to consider dessert. The French dude came over and offered me a variety of cakes and pastries. I knew it would be naughty and my thighs would hate me the next day, but I went for the chocolate cake.

It was the best chocolate cake I’ve ever eaten but I feel so guilty. I cried myself to sleep last night I was so fucking disappointed in myself (mental note: find out if tears have carbs). Why did I have to eat the best chocolate cake ever? I’m going to take a few days off work this week and just fucken go crazy at Fitness First. Maybe cut myself if that doesn’t help.

WTOMH Live! Update

Check out the upcoming WTOMH Live! shows section on the right there ---->

New shows added.

If you’re unsure what to attend then the cheapest/safest bet is the show on the 17th with Expatriate at the Hopetoun. Only $10.

For guaranteed fun and excitement then all the cool kids will be hanging out to see me headline the Great Escape festival on the 14th of April. The likes of Silverchair, Sigur Ros, Something For Kate and Smoosh will be warming up for me.

You haven’t lived until you’ve attended one and thrown yourself at me after the show (if female) or bought me a few drinks (if male/ugly female).

Thousandaire

It looks like I’ll hit the 1000 post mark in a weeks time.

My inability to think of an appropriate celebration will cause me to go insane and kill myself. But then I’ll be remembered as a creative genius <---totally undeserved.

Party Time, Excellent

Dislike your normal old boring hat?

Want to make it a party hat?

Just hang out with me, baby!

The Eatening

Tonight I went to a really expensive restaurant with friends. We never go to such expensive places but we thought ‘why not, LOL?’ and went.

But I got there and I was really just in a radish sort of mood. But, man, they had NO radish dishes. Crushed.

Setting The Record Straight

Nothing happened tonight between me and Steph!

I’m serious! No sexual tension bubbled over the surface, we did not meet up, get drunk together, end up together. We did nothing of the sort!

I don’t want to hear anything more about this.