Mardi Gras Checklist

Well kids, Mardi Gras is upon us in Sydney again so it’s time to dust off the old Mardi Gras Checklist ™ and go down the list, slowly crossing off what must be done on this most holy of public holidays:

1. Wear as many feather boas as humanly possible.
2. Accessorise.
3. See a man in women’s clothing fighting with a woman in men’s clothing.
4. See the wizard to ask for courage.
5. Get felt up by random person of same sex.
6. Get felt up by random person of other sex and be so shocked you don’t do anything about it.
7. Fall in love ten times over.
8. Get really drunk and sing the theme song to ‘The Nanny’.
9. Work in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens.
10. Get kicked out by boyfriend (in one of those crushing scenes).
11. Vomit in gutter.
12. Go home, listen to your emo CDs you don’t tell anyone about, cry, scare off nice girl with overwrought and emotional emails so they don’t comment on your blog anymore.
13. Appear on reality TV show and become famous.

Scene To Be Believed

Look, I can’t explain right now, but I need you to tell me you love me, real quick.

YOU HAVE TO RIGHT NOW!

Deer Friend

I’ve got this friend, right. Not what you’d classify as your normal friend.

You see, my friend is a deer friend. Her name is Vispanna and she lives in a forest.

The problem is when she’s in town and we decide to hang out. I can’t get her into clubs like my normal friends. She’s a VERY deer friend and everyone can see it.

Jenga

I was hanging around the house the other day when I decided to play with a ouija board.

After a while a ghost started talking to me via the board.

But I can’t spell so I have no fucking idea what it was saying.

Howdy Stranger

Hi guys,

I know I haven’t posted for about a month but I’ve been so busy with stuff (life?) lately!

I promise to try and update more.

Quick update on things:

• Things with me and Craig are going really well.
• I’ve moved into a new place with Kirsty.
• The kitten is turning into a beautiful young lady.
• The butcher gave me 4 sausages instead of 3 yesterday.
• I’ve taken all your advised and become a writer.

Ladies Night

If I was a girl I’d have a lot of stuff stuck in my vadge.

Species Night

If I was a dinosaur I would be a jobesaurus and I would have a lot of stuff stuck in my vadge.

Uplate with Hotdogs Update

Yep. Still shit.

Wassup?

You want to collect my mail for me?

Yeeeeea, course you do.

You want to open it too, don’t you.

It’s okay.

It’s really okay.

Hauntedhottie@ghostworld.com

Got an email from a ghost last night. She just wanted to chat about general stuff ("Hey, what's up?").

It wasn't as good/scary as I thought it would be.

Case Update

After a long day spent digging up clues at the crime scene yesterday, I decided that my next move should be to learn a bit more about the victim.

But this wouldn’t be easy. No one knew who the victim was. I’d have to wait for a few days to get an ID on the body before I could look into their life.

Nothing else to do, really. I went to have coffee and got a sandwich. I ate it at Circular Quay. That was nice…

More Egg on the Face

I laid an egg today.

She was so hot.

I ate her out too... (OMG Jobe you're such a considerate lover)

So much better than the egg I laid last week. She just laid there and did nothing. Weak. Even with my finger running up and down her crack...

Egg on the Face

Case Update

So today I began my investigation by visiting the scene of the crime. I'd be lying if I didn't say it was a lovely place. You know, not like your normal crack dens and so forth. This place was classy.

A penthouse apartment with 360 degree views of this wonderful city. Certainly a view undeserving of a dead body. They couldn't appreciate this.

But someone did. Someone appreciated it so much they didn't want to share it? It's a possibility.

The victim was facing easy. And also north. Then west. Followed by south. You see, they had been killed and placed on a Lazy Susan that spun around in the breeze. It was a hypnotic sight, but one which soon had me feeling dizzy.

Not much evidence in the crime scene. A dead body, a room, silk bedsheets, a vase filled with daffodils.

It was then that I realised this case wouldn't be as easy to solve as I thought.

G2G

So this hottie at work who's been jocking me lately started to use the word "ciao" in lieu of "goodbye".

I'm so glad I called her fat and rejected her before I was stuck putting up with THAT all day.

Still, it could be worse. She could be making animal noises/a skeleton.

Kindergarten Cop-Out

So I went to teach some kids today so I could get some great stories about things they say.

I was only there for 5 minutes before pure gold fell in my lap and I touched it inappropriately and got thrown out of the club.

I was all "so what do you want to be when you grow up?" to the kids, hoping they'd say something hilarious, when one kid goes "when I grow up I want to be a Golden Girl."

Kid has problems, yo!

That said, he'd be a pretty good Golden Girl. I think I'm being a bit unfair on him. I suppose I'm jealous.

An Excerpt From The Autobiography

“At the age of fifteen months I discovered that I could talk to people. It really was amazing, like a new world had been opened for me. I soon came to realise that a new world HAD been opened up for me, both literally and metaphorically. But namely the world of communication.

But it wasn’t as easy as I’d hoped. I was ridiculed for being able to talk to people. A lot of people didn’t believe me. They would constantly belittle me. There were moments when I wanted to take my own life, I won’t lie. But something kept me going: God.”

You’ve Been Hit By A {{Smooth Criminal}}

Holy shit. Well talk about things getting interesting!

Yesterday some dudes from the bureau came over and begged for me to head up a taskforce investigating a crime.

I was really fucking hesitant to begin with, but they totally convinced me with a well thought out argument.

Today I start working on the case. Wish me luck!

Things Change

I’ve been wanting to make this post since starting this blog but never found the courage. Today I realised that the time has come to share. I can’t keep this buried for much longer. This will change the way you see me and probably not for the better. But I like you guys and I can’t keep living this lie.

The truth is that I used to be a cumslut.

Yes, it’s true. It started early last year when I was rejected for jury duty without an explanation. That sort of rejection plays havoc with a man’s self esteem. Some bottle it up, others act out there rage. Me? I acted like a cock goblin for six months, fiending for that comforting feeling of hot licks of jism splashing against my face and the warm sensation as the member slid down my throat and into darkness.

I was really bad at one stage, revelling in the attention from random men. I’d go days on end without showering, sometimes having a mixture of ten different men glued to my hair at any one time. I reeked of cum, yet men still desired me. To me that was real power.

One time I’d hopped in the car of some guy who shot me eyes at the bar. He drove us to a park not far away. With my face buried deep in his crotch I heard a knock on the window: the cops had come along. The guy was acting like a bitch, crying and shit. Saying he had a family and this would kill them to find out. The policemen took pity on him too, slightly disgusted at the sight of a grown man blubbering in the dirt in front of them. I turned to them and said I’ll give them both a headjob if they forget about this. They agreed. I filled with power and took every last drop of cum they had to offer.

The harder I sucked, the harder they came, the bigger I felt.

But one day I woke up and saw what I was doing to myself. I’d lost respect for my body on my quest to be the world’s biggest cumslut. I decided to stop guzzling man juice and start again. It hasn’t been easy and I’ve slipped up a few times, but I’m on my way to recovery.

I just hope you don’t think less of me for this… But I know that’s asking a lot.

You’re Looking Skinny!

Guys, my skin is so bad right now. (omg really? How bad?)

It’s gotten so bad that the last few nights I’ve woken up and my skin hasn’t been there. I’ve had to drive through the streets looking for it.

This morning my skin was the worst it’s ever been. I found it in a park, someone’s DVD player in hand, needle still sticking out of its arm.

I really need to do something about my bad skin.

Failure

Damn, none of you have any idea about how pissed off I am with myself that I went so badly at the winter Olympics.

A lifetimes worth of training and thousands of dollars spent all down the drain because I couldn’t handle it.

I choked. Plain and simple.

I let down my country, my team and myself.

Sick Syd City

This past week I’ve noticed that a lot of people in Sydney are coming down with a cold. This isn’t your 24-hour flu either, this is hardcore shit. Everyone’s getting it and no one’s getting rid of it.

People at work are walking around coughing, people on the train are spluttering, every blog by a Sydney-sider includes and entry about how they’re sick.

But no one’s cold is going away. This sickness is here to stay. But why?

Wake the fuck up, Sydney! Time to pay for all of the sins we’re committing on a daily basis!

The sinful are getting sick first, but soon the innocent will be caught up in it too.

The first plague of the 21st century is upon us. Repent now or die.