Jobe on Jobe

Jobe (henceforth ‘J’): Hey, Jobe. It’s been a while. How’s things?

Jobe (henceforth ‘J’): Things are pretty good. Happy and healthy, son.

J: What have you been doing with yourself now that you’re not running the blog anymore?

J: Hanging out with chicks, mostly.

J: You’re a pretty cagey interview subject. Is anything wrong that you want to talk about?

J: Did you consider the fact that maybe you’re just a shit interviewer?

J: The thought had crossed my mind. I don’t have much self confidence.

J: Sorry to take advantage of that. I guess I’m just tired. So what are your thoughts on all those people who say that the blog hasn’t been the same since I left?

J: People have been saying that? Well I suppose by definition the blog won’t be the same. But I like to think that what I’m offering is still just as entertaining. Maybe moreso.

J: So you’re delusional?

J: Wait! Wasn’t I watching that Enron documentary just a few minutes ago then came on here to check something?

J: How should I know/answer the question.

Cut It Down featuring {{THE CONTROVERSY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT}}

So I have this tree out the front of my house that has basically been my best friend since birth. I’ve told it all my secrets and it always listens to what I have to say. But today I had to cut it down because it has become diseased (with lies?).

So I’m out the front, sawing away, cutting this tree down, crying a bit, A MAN COMES ALONG AND I KISS HIM BRIEFLY, and I finish cutting the tree down.

I’ll miss that tree…

The Tale of the Strange Dude

Today I got locked in an aquarium with this sorta weird arty dude. At first I was really worried that we wouldn’t get along. But then he quoted me some philosophy and I was all “yea, that’s so true” and we became life-long friends.

By the end of the night we had gotten to the bottom of so many of the aquarium crimes IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY. The fish were all “you guys make a great team/CLUE!” and we were all “What Would Wittgenstein Do?”

Tile Fish

If a tile could talk, would it say, “I got laid today, hurr hurr”?

Messing With Kids Heads

Kids really fucking shit me sometimes, especially when they’re at school. But the other day I struck back!

I went round to the local high school near work and gave every kid a bag of food from McDonalds and a small Sprite.

BUT THE FUCKING JOKE WAS ON THEM!

In the bag was a junior burger (haha who the fuck wants that?) and in the Sprite was Sprite!

The looks on their faces was fucking priceless. I want to have kids so I can do shit like this all the time without having to leave the house.

Finally!

OH MY GOD, GUYS!

Today it finally happened!

I’m so freakin’ happy.

Mmmm Snug

You know that anti-smoking ad where they squeeze fat from the artery?

Of course you do!

Was I the only one that saw that ad and wondered if I could stretch the aorta over my penis to make some sort of covering?

OMG Truth Serum

Although this presentation of products to team members more experienced with them than me is pointless and forgettable to all involved, it’s still killing me that my imagination isn’t good enough to think of a way to make this interesting.

{{OMG TRUTH SERUM}}/long sentence

The Interweb of Fame

So I spent a bit of time travelling in Europe today on my world trip around Europe. It was pretty standard for the most part (“oh, just like the brochure said. Ho hum.”), but when I got to France shit started to pop off.

I went for a drink and a kebab with this French chick I met at the airport and we totally hit it off. We ate kebabs and drank until the sun came up. It was pretty amazing/memorable/tiring.

Anyway, as I was leaving her house to continue my world trip she was all “hey I’m a famous movie director (have you heard of me?). Want to be in my new family movie?”

I said yes, because family movies are good entertainment for everyone.

Recipe For Success

Ever had lemon, with a squeeze of lemon?

EXTRA JUICY!

Serving Suggestions: Share it with your family!

I Like It

The only thing I like more than stuffing things in my vadge is family values.

Transparency

The Department for Family Affairs has approached the blog to discuss advertising.

As a result, the next 3 posts will be sponsored by the DFA and will feature pro-family messages.

Transparency

The Department for Family Affairs has approached the blog to discuss advertising.

As a result, the next 3 posts will be sponsored by the DFA and will feature pro-family messages.

How To Treat A Woman

INT. TRAIN. MARDI GRAS NIGHT IN SYDNEY. TRAVELLING HOME

CAST: BOYFRIEND, GIRLFRIEND, BOYFRIEND’S FRIEND

BOYFRIEND’S FRIEND: Remember that night when blah blah blah blah

BOYFRIEND: Nope.

GIRLFRIEND (to BOYFRIEND): That was the night you called me fat.

BOYFRIEND: Oh… right… (to GIRLFRIEND) Sorry ‘bout that...

{{SKELETON SIGHTING}}

“So you say you see skeletons, Jobe?”
“Pretty much.”
“And do these skeletons… distress you at all?”
“Nope. Not really.”
“Is their appearance frightening?”
“Not at all…”
“Jobe… if this isn’t causing you any concern why did you come and see me?”
“They told me to.”
“Who?”
“The skeletons.”
“They… speak to you?”
“Of course.”
“And what do they say?”
“That I should see a psychiatrist.”
“Interesting.”
*exasperated sigh*
“Do you think these ‘skeletons’ are a manifestation of your subconscious?”
“I don’t think so… Why would my subconscious take the form of skeletons?”
“You tell me…”

Marketing Gone Bad

I’m so fed up with marketing these days. The biggest annoyance of all has to be cross-promotion. You know, where they promote one product through another one. Normally I can ignore it pretty well but today I noticed a new marketing campaign that made me furious.

They’ve made a sort of sauce named after Idol-reject Lee Harding’s “hit single” ‘Wasabi’. I saw some people eating it today in the food court.

Just like his hair they’ve made it a funky green colour and “it’s so hot it’ll make your head blow”. They even ripped off Chinese writing and put it on the sachet since it's so trendy. I saw people eating it with sushi, which seems extremely odd. Wasabi sounds like an Italian name. Why wouldn’t they make it something like Italian salad dressing in the sachet?

It all just makes me sick.

Raise Your Voice

The more confident I am about something the louder I’ll say it.

Normally I’m a pretty quiet/chilled fellow, but today I practically screamed “The Ronnie Johns Half Hour is pretty shit” at one of my co-workers.

It surprised both of us.

Case Update

The lack of progress on the case in recent days had me feeling low, so very low. Sometimes investigating murders for a living just gets, I dunno, depressing. Dead bodies can’t thank you for finding their killer.

So this week I brought in Angela Lansbury to help me with the case (“old lady, can you please crack my case for me?”).

When she rode in with her quaint bike and light music I knew everything would be okay. I’m thinking of giving up murder investigation and taking up writing or managing my own Boost Juice outlet.

“Me and my buddy totally roasted this bitch”

Tip for chefs: Forget about roast chicken. Just do roasted stuffing!

At the very least have stuffing stuffed with a little white meat.

Sexual Discrimination

Guys (and by guys I mean both male and females), listen up. I’ve completely had it with sex! That’s right, I can’t take it anymore. It seems that every time I have sex something crazy happens.

Take last night for instance. I went out to see a band and, as usual, picked up a hottie to take home and shag senseless. We went to her place (since it was closer) and started getting hot and heavy. But all of a sudden she starts going on about commitment and responsibilities and “our future” and shit.

What the fuck? I hadn’t even gotten to the point where I tell her she’s amazing and I’m infatuated with her to get some head!

It’s always a worry when their eyes start glazing over and they stop sucking your dick to “just hold you for a while”.

Crazy arse bitch. I ran out of there as quick as I could. Got a kebab on the way home. It was pretty good, just the right amount of garlic sauce. Some place in Leichhardt. I’ll have to try and find it again.

So I’ve decided that I’m not going to be having sex for a long time. If I pick up some random chick at a gig we’ll just go for kebabs and a drink. Nothing more.

That goes for guys too. No gaysex either.

Public Service Announcement

{{Christmas is just around the corner}}

{{Nightmare}}

Last night in my dream someone who used to find me funny said they hated my blog because it’s racist.

IS MY BLOG RACIST?

Tell it to me straight people! I mean… I love people of all colours and races. I listen to rap music!

This is really disturbing.

Maybe I’m not racist enough? Maybe that’s what my dream was trying to tell me (does everything have to have a deeper meaning with you?).