Naïve Jobe Takes On Hollywood

I’d taken a taxi from the airport to the middle of Hollywood to look for a hotel room. I went to every hotel I could find and couldn’t find a room anywhere. I suppose I should have brought money with me, but I thought that in Hollywood you’d get money everywhere. Oh well.

Without a place to stay I decided to put on my backpack and head to a local rnb SUPERCLUUUUUUB for a bit of dancing. No matter how down I feel, dancing will always cheer me up.

So I found this really nice club called “The Blowhole”, which looked nice and sounded scenic, and went inside. After a while I met this really nice girl called Paris. She was really scantily clad so I think she must have come straight from the set of a movie where she was playing a prostitute. I can’t believe they let you use the clothes after the shoot! This town sure is great. Anyway, I asked Paris what she does for a living. She said not much but she does a bit of modelling and acting to keep busy. Sounds like she is finding it hard to find steady work in this town. She appeared to be a bit uncultured so I assumed she was one of those girls from a small town that comes here to make it big. I asked her if she’s ever lived in the country and she said she’d lived the simple life for quite a while. I was right! Paris also had a little dog with her that was really cute. I’ve never seen anyone do that before and thought it was pretty cool.

Anyway, I told Paris about my problem finding a room and she offered to put me up for the night. So we went back to some hotel room and hung out for a while before going to sleep. That girl has such a strict beauty regime though. She must have gone to the bathroom to powder her nose about 10 times. I guess being a budding actress she always has to look good.

Tomorrow I think I might explore the city a little bit and also see if I can find a place to stay on a more permanent basis.

Yes! Tagged!

So Steph tagged me today and since tags are the very best thing about blogging I was really happy. I’ll now to the meme.

1- How old were you when you lost your virginity? Who was it to? Describe the event.
I was 15 and Estelle Getty was in town for a Golden Girls tour around local Westfield shopping centers. Being a fan of her work (she’s so much more talented than those other 2 hacks!) I went down to catch a glimpse after school. Everyone else had gone to see Bea Arthur so her line was out the door, but no one was there for Estelle. I walked up to her and told her I thought she was a living treasure. We spoke for a while, until the show was over. Estelle asked me backstage to her dressing room to have tea. We got into her room and she locked it behind her. She then came over to me and kissed me. It was like kissing a musk stick (great, because I really liked them at the time). We spent 5 minutes together before she had to go. It was extremely quick because I was over-stimulated from the amazing sensation of my young, budding penis in her dried up vadge. The friction was amazing.

Estelle Getty: Has a Dry Vadge
2- What is the strangest place you've had sex?
In my head.

3- Who would you consider "switching teams" for?
When you’re bi you don’t have teams.

4-Do you prefer to give or receive?
Give. I have quite a pronounced penal disfiguration that I picked up in 1999 after giving myself carpet burn on the penis to replicate the feeling of fucking Estelle Getty. As a result of this disfiguration I don’t want girls to put it in their mouth or even look at it. My subconscious tells me that they think I’m a freak because of my penis.

5- One night stands- What's the protocol? Stay the night or get the hell outta there?Fuck til dawn. Leave. No chance of confusion.

6-Favourite body part/parts of the opposite sex?
Thorax, tentacles, skin between vadge and thigh, womb.

7-quickie or long and slow?
Quick and slow. Blows the persons FUCKING MIND!

8-Noisy or quiet?
Loud. House music as loud as the stereo goes!

9- Ideal amount of sex per week?
300 grams.

10-What's your number one sexual turn off?
Rejection.

11-Number one arousal trigger?
Pissing on my foot.

12-What constitutes bad sex?
When the girl comes after 5 seconds.

13- Celebrity you would love to shag right now?
Princess Diana. Alas….

14- Define sexy?
Sexually attractive or stimulating.

15- Remember the best sex you ever had. What made it special?
The wine bottle up her vadge.

Don’t Be Such a Pain!

Ever been in so much pain that moving will send shockwaves of hurt through your body so intense that you’ll almost black out for a second. I haven’t, but my neck is fucking killing me. I need a hotbabe to sit on me while I lie on my stomach and just work the neck. Grind that bitch down to dust.

Mmmmm fuck yea. I'll probably cry tears of joy while she does it (so don't be alarmed).

End of Days

Something is happening.

Blogger is dying on me.

It’s not handling the load associated with a blog of my size anymore.

*starts working on succession plan*

I Love My Job(e?)

Client (henceforth ‘C’): *thinking he’s called some dodgy Indian call centre* “Where are you located?”

Me: (henceforth ‘Project X’): “Sydney.”

C: “Oh, I thought I’d you’d be in bloody Tasmania or something.”

Project X: “Haha, no.” *thinking "What the fuck does it matter where I am?*

C: “That was probably a rude thing that I said…”

I think that speaking to me gave him a conscience. If he got someone else he might go on living as a bigot forever.

Blog Review: `*~ [x] Lyf.Sux [x]_[x] So Depressed [x]_[x] Hate.Lyf [x] ~*`

`*~ [x] Lyf.Sux [x]_[x] So Depressed [x]_[x] Hate.Lyf [x] ~*`
http://spaces.msn.com/an9ie/

Oh Jesus.... Oh Jesus....

I haven't done a blog review for so long but I need to "come out of retirement" (TM) [oh shit: he's doing it!] to talk about a blog I just found. Check out why this is, without a doubt, the best site in the fucking world:

The Opening Poem
[S]h!t [4] [A] [S]crewed [U]p [G]url

Im feelin a lil low..
Tym is runnin eva so slow..
Feelin lyk i wnt 2 crii..
Lyfs so crap.. i wnt 2 die.

Nothin in the world is worth this pain..
Mii existance on earth is onlii causing strain..
The weather inside mii head is thunder..
Is it all worth it.. that i wonder..

HOLY SHIT I SOMETIMES WONDER THE SAME THING!

The Soundtrack (of Life)
мα∂ α** вαи∂ѕ

DISTURBEDTHE FUCKIN BEST! [But not as good as....]
KoяnFUCKIN OATH! [Word!]
As I Lay Dying
Every Time I Die
Ill NinoHELL FUCKIN YEA! [Woo!]
TRAPTNO DOUT BOUT IT! [OF COURSE NOT!]
The Used [OH NO! That's not stereotypical AT ALL]
Metallica
Pantera
Red Hot Chilli Peppers
The White Stripes
Bullet 4 My ValintineLOVIN THEM! [Me2]


A Little Thing Called... тнιиgѕ 2 ∂σ в4 ι ∂ιє!

GeT A MoTerBiKe
LeArN To HoW 2 SpeLL [Honorable!]
ClImB Da HaRboR BriDgE [I have a ticket....]
BrEaK A WorLd ReCoRed
BrEaK aLL Da BoNeNs In Ma BoDii [Noooo! Sounds dangerous! BoNeNs are vital!]
GrOw TaLLeR DuDe GrOw TaLLer
RuNaWaII [Wooo! Girl power! Just as soon as I get ever-lasting batteries for my iPod and a house to RuNaWaII 2]
SmOkE 3 CigAreTs @ 1 TiMe:S [NO FUCKIN WAY!]
GeT A DoG PeT
GeT DrUnK
PuLL Da MeAnIsT JoKe On SuM RaNdOm [LOL!]
PlAii ChIcKeN On Da HiGhWaII [OMG do it!]
ReAcH ThE AgE Of 16
Go 2 @least 13 CoNseTs [13? That's hardcore! YOU'LL GO DEAF!]
JuMp Of A BrIdGe
BeLiVe In Ma SeLf 8-(
GeT KiDdNaPeD


HAHA FUCK THERE'S LIKE 100 MORE TOO!!!!!!!


**rules of flirtin** well a couple =P

Gurls: Wen u wnt 2 cuddle with him, tell him ur cold
Guys: automatically move closer 2 her. (if ur stupid then u'll either saii" me 2 " or u'll give her ur jacket... dnt)

Gurls: Wen ur in the movies with a guy.. move the arm rest up.
Guys: wen gurls do that.. they want u to hold em close!

[*scribbles furiously*]

Gurls: During a movie, if he puts his arm around u, tilt ur head on his shoulder
Guys: lift her chin up and kiss her.

Guys: Wen she tells u she loves u, look deep in2 her eyes, give her a peck on the lips.. nd tell her u love her 2.. nd mean it.

[don't stop now...]

Gurls: Wen ur both laying under the stars, put ur head on his chest nd close ur eyes as u listen 2 his steady heart beat
Guys: whisper in her ear nd link ur hands with hers.

Guys: wen a gurl is upset.. go ova there n put ur arm around her..
Gurls: wen a guy dose that move closer n saii i feel much betta.. *to make the guys feel lyk he has done sumthing..* but if it really did give him a peck on the cheek!


OMG STOP THE REVIEW I'M GOING TO GO FLIRT AND GET LAID!

More Adventures in Candyland

Today purchased:

• 1 slab (24) black sesame soy drinks
• 2 packets whole almond candy

I feel sick from what I’ve consumed between purchasing that and blogging about it.

Hypothetical Question (for a friend)

Okay, so say there’s this person. They have a female body but live, for all intents and purposes, as a man. If my friend were to have sex with this person (anal sex because the person doesn’t do vaginal sex), would he have had sex with a man or a woman?

Actually, he’s not really a friend. More of an associate.

Star Power

Today I finally became a star. I’m pretty happy since I’ve been trying to become a star for a long time now/JUST SINCE BIRTH! and it’s finally happened.

It’s a pretty good life being above everyone else on earth and having a lot of people look up to you.

I’m concerned though. Is the life of a start shorter or longer than your average non-star person? I like this life but I don’t want to give up everything if my life is shortened. Who wants to fade away?

It’s pretty cold where I am, actually… and being pointy sucks.

*sigh*

I guess you really DO need to be careful about what you wish for.

Housekeeping

File this post under “C” for “Correspondence”

Girl Troubled

There’s this cute girl at work who walks with her head ahead of her body. She looks off balance and I’m always edgy around her because I think I’m going to have to spring forth and catch her to stop her from face planting into the ground.

Gourmand

What ever happened to food in the shape of things? (“But Jobe, what about…” “…TOWERS DO NOT COUNT” “Oh… never mind…”)

I want to eat a kangaroo fillet on a bed of mashed potatoes which is in the shape of a fully-formed kangaroo (and not the freak on my plate).

Yacht’s The Problem?

So today I went yachting on a yacht. It was soooo dull and I didn’t even learn anything valuable. The fish were all sleeping and the conveyor belt travelled FAR too slowly. I was disappointed by the prices of food in the snack bar (which was poor to begin with) and the selection of mantra ray themed products in the gift shop.

I’m never going yachting again.

Sports

Hey, these female weightlifters aren’t half-blokey at all.

Sports {{FEVER}}

Sports that should have been included in the Commonwealth Games:

• Synchronised vadge stuffing
• Hangin’ out
• Xbox
• Stacking
• 100ml sweat
• Aubergine
• Knitting (“and the Koreans sweater is looking NICE there, Bruce!”)

Maybe next time ey.

Hotbabe Hotline

So today I was sort of bored (that’s a symptom of a boring person, Jobe) so I decided to call up some of the hotbabes I’ve firstdated in the past, just to see, you know, what’s up and stuff.


Olivia

Since we broke up, Olivia has rethought her life and her priorities. She has left her well-paying job, gone back to uni and is studying psychology. She really just wants to understand the human mind and, in particular, the male mind.

Thought still a first year she is working towards writing a thesis on why men in the modern world are bastards. She seems focused.


Pam

Pam was a little emo woman when we went out. She has now made the move into being a goth and, to quote her, she “couldn’t be sadder”. I think that’s a goth way of say she’s fine. In addition to exploring her self image she is exploring her sexuality, fucking a few members of each sex every week. I guess she is hitting it hard because she wants to find out what she prefers.


Agnus

I met Agnus at a quilt festival at Homebush. She was getting a lot of attention that day from both males and females because she was the organiser. Somehow, amongst all that hustle and bustle, our eyes met across the room. She smiled, looked away and brushed her hair behind her ears—adorable.

While dating I found out she dug quilts a little too much. It was her life-long devoted and she was in pretty deep in the whole quilt scene. Eventually we broke up and I told her my thoughts on quilts (they’re shit, LOL).

Today she tells me she’s given up on quilts. I asked her what she’s doing now and she says not much. Well at least she’s not into quilts anymore.

She said that lately she's been going out and picking up random guys then taking them home and fucking on her quilts. She says the sex takes ownership away from her. They're no longer HER quilts or some shit.

Importing Sharks

Nice plan. One of those plans where nothing can go wrong. Nothing at all.

Can they import like one extra and give it to me? I’ll put it in my tank and teach it to defend the country.

Hump Day

Jobe, I can’t believe it’s Wednesday!

THERE’S JUST NO WAY IT’S WEDNESDAY!

Why are you telling me it’s Wednesday?

Walk The Prank

I am the biggest joker in the office HANDS DOWN. Today I went around acting all mysterious, wearing a cape and saying I was going to “change the calendar as you know it.”

Outrageous!

But wait for the punchline (industry speak for ‘funny part’)!

I went and changed everyone’s calendars to April.

The bosses upstairs must have gone MENTAL but I don’t care.

Doctor Jobe In The House PHD

So I’m hanging around town today when this chick near me releases a screaming groan and sits down on the ground. I ask her if she’s okay (omg top bloke!) and she tells me that her water broke and her baby is about to be born!

She says that there isn’t any time and {{I HAVE TO DELIVER THE BABY FOR HER}}.

I was all “what baby?” and she’s all “the one in my vadge” and I’m all “you sure you want me to deliver it?” and she’s all “YESSS!”

So I take the baby out her vadge, slice it’s stomach, take out its liver and discard it.

Pretty eventful day, I think you’ll agree.

OMG Truth Serum

Today I thought it would be a good idea to start a blog where I do a mini review of everything new I eat or listen to. A catalogue of my thoughts and opinions.

It would be called “Experiences”.

OMG Truth Serum

I’m So Hot Right Now

I have no idea what’s causing it, but right now I am really hot. I’ve been working out a lot. That might be it. Could be the weather too.

Just hot is all…

Adventures in Candyland

Today at the Korean corner store I purchased:

• 2 cans of rice punch
• 1 large packet of Korean ginseng candy

Bitches

I’m so depressed right now. The girls at school won’t even talk to me. I’m much nicer than all the boys at school and funny too.

The only people at school who talk to me are teachers and that’s to tell me to go away. Man why do teachers always have to bring us down with their “we’re calling the cops if you don’t stop hanging around school premises, talking to the girls"?

Cat Fight

“Jobe... Jobe!”

“What?”

“Dude, check that yard over there. That cat is eyeing you off. It wants to start trouble.”

“Shit…”

“What the fuck are we gonna do?”

“It’s okay man, just calm down. Calm down. We’ll just wait for a ARE YOU CALM YET? little while. Play it cool.”

A Pain in Spain

Those dirty Spaniards are really getting on my nerves!

Take today, for instance. I went around to Spain and asked if they could PLEASE turn down their loud Spanish music, because it was still very early in the morning here, due to the time different.

And did they turn it down? NO! They turned it up and told Brazil to send all their shemales around to bother me.

TAKE A BREAK: Watch Breakfast Club

I am so popular.

Sneak Attack

Oh, hey, HI!

Did you know that Belgian beer is deceptively strong?

BECAUSE I DIDN’T!



Can I have a hug? I just really need one right now, okay?