What's This On My Hand?: 2006-04-09

The Drinker's Compromise

I'm not hungover but I do feel a little sick from drinking all day yesterday.

Seconddate Targets

Okay, so I copped a lot of heat for being happy with achieving 3 of my 5 targets for my firstdate. So for my next act with the girl (from now on known as ‘Typewriter”, since she’s my type and also a writer{hot)) I’ll want to achieve 4 of the following 5 targets when we go for dinner on Saturday:

Impress her with my culinary expertise.
Be suave yet relaxed and accessible.
Choose a good bar to have a few drinks at after.
Lock in a firstkiss with her.
Become CEO.

Research

So as some of you know I’ve been working a book about the secret world of prostitution in Sydney. It’s a pretty sweet deal since all I have to do is write shit and the publisher covers all of my expenses if I provide them with a receipt.

So I got a hooker last night in order to do some research on the chapter about call girls. When time came to pay I asked if she could give me a receipt, so the publisher would pay me back. She said, “sure, I’ll just print it out of my cunt, shall I?”

I got pretty excited since I’d never seen anything like that and it would make a great bit for the book. I thought she might put an EFTPOS machine up her vadge and do it there, but she jus walked off and let the sarcasm catch up with me.

Bitch.

Delays

Sorry guys, I thought I’d be able to make the exciting announcement last night but it has taken longer to finalise than we initially thought.

Hopefully Tuesday.

More Advice from the 50-Year-Old Divorcee Guy

You’ve got to have fun with your life! Why stay at home and be bored? Go out and meet new people, try new things. LIVE!

I like to go down to the beach in my speedos and perve at young chicks. But that’s just one example.

A New Layout!

How does everyone like the new layout? I was getting sick of the old one.

Huge thanks to Jobe for hooking me up with it. What a champion!

Divine Laden Babies in Pods Wrapped in Fur

Guys! Good news!

Myself and a TV network have reached an agreement to partner this blog with a popular television show.

Stay tuned for an announcement (of excitement/selling out)!!! !<--bonus exclamation mark

Things I Know About… Sport

Started in England in 1932.
Where did this fucking ulcer come from?
Almost rhymes with ‘carport’.
Like life: you need to take drugs to get ahead.
Not like life: gravity is not a factor.
Fat men drinking beer are better at it than those paid to do it for a living, but have the modesty not to flaunt it.
Not 'The O.C.'
Various songs about it.
Not the same since Michael Hutchance left the group and died.
Makes you lose precious fluids which must be replaced by colourful, sickly-tasting beverages.

What Would Jobe Do?

The mail is flying in thick and fast. Don’t worry, I’ll get to you all in time

Jobe,

What do you do during those times of the month when you feel a bit heavy?

Sally.

Weigh myself and discover that it was all in my head. I weigh the same!

Still Looking

Hi guys,

I’m still looking for my somewhere new to live. I’ve managed to get some leads via your kind emails and it looks like my new somewhere nice to live is in one of three locations in Sydney.

I’ll stay on the case and let you know how I go. In the meantime, keep those clues coming.

Crack Fiend

I have a confession to make to you all: I am addicted to crack. Totally and completely.

I’ll see some crack and then I’ll feel the overwhelming urge to just HAVE it. You know? All to myself.

And cracks are EVERYWHERE in today’s modern society (of imperfection). I can’t avoid them.

You've Got To Have a Dream

So last night some time I dreamt that I had a dream where I was telling someone I had a dream.

It was pretty strange.

OMG de-ja-vu right now.

A Follow-Up

Follow-up to this post.

Yep. I'm addicted now. Shouldn't have gone there (there?) in the first place...

And doth, a skeleton by any other name is just as scary.

The Name is King Tee Ima Act a Fool

So lately I’ve been fooling around with this sexy older woman. We usually get drunk in the city then run around and bump into various things. Sometimes we play tricks on each other.

She’s pretty immature for her age.

A Visit To The Doctor

“You have a spastic colon.”

“By ‘spastic colon’ do you mean ‘good personality?’”

Another Post That Would Have Been Good (If Blogger Didn’t Fuck Me Over And Make It Impossible To Post)

Six Links To Blog Posts Involving Fruit Bowls (Deceptively Disguised As Links To Pictures of Penguins)

Life Right Now

Chatting to Bono is probably my favourite hobby at the moment. Closely followed by ‘just walkin’ round bein’ sexy’.

An Erotic Tale Involving Lesbians

Brought to you by the Australian government

I saw Dawn soaping up her huge tits in the shower after cheerleading practice. From that sight I knew I HAD to have them between my fingers and in my mouth. Tonight. Normally I see the other girls in the shower and just fantasise: nothing more. I might go home and touch myself, imagining that it’s their hand between my thighs, but I never, ever, think about doing anything more. As a popular cheerleader I have a reputation to think about.

But I’d heard things about Carla. Some of the other girls were saying that they saw her holding hands and making out with a girl from another school. If what they were saying was true then I knew I HAD to make a move.

On this particular day, Brandy was alone in the shower. Since the other girls had said what they saw no one in the cheerleading team wanted to shower with her. But I did. I stayed until everyone else had left and went into the shower, totally naked.

“Haven’t you heard the news?” asked Pam. “I’m a total dyke. Don’t shower with me or I’ll make you gay.”

I laughed. “I’ve heard. It doesn’t bother me.”

“Oh? And why’s that?”

“You can’t MAKE someone gay who is already gay…”

Tori dropped the soap and stared at me. “But.. but…” she stammered, “it was just a rumour. I don’t like girls…”

I walked up to her and kissed her on her lips.

“No…” she whimpered.

“You’ll like this,” I said, letting my hand move over her body.

THAT’S RAPE!

But we’re schoolgirl lesbians. It’s hot!

NO. IT’S NOT!

Safe Sex is Clean Sex

I always get hotbabes to talk clean to me if I'm feelin' a little freaky.

Call me strange.

"Yea... your dick is showering in my cunt. It's getting so fucking clean in my juices. This ma'fucka is gonna be SHINING when it pops out it'll be that clean."