Saturday, April 22, 2006
Look. I know you're getting sort of sad because winter is coming and you think I won't chew you anymore. But I promise I will. I did last winter didn't I?
Are you even listening to me?
God, your insecurity just fucking pisses me off sometimes.
Yes! You are insecure.
This exciting partnership of a television series and a blog will revolutionise the way people interact with media around them. It is expected to bring numerous benefits to both parties in the future and pave the way for similar partnerships between blogs and television companies.
WTOMH's creator, Jobe, said he was thrilled at the arrangement. "I'm thrilled."
The 7 Network is also excited at this innovative deal. 7 spokesman David Miller stated that "[the network is] thrilled."
The deal will begin immediately and run for a trial period of 3 months. If the arrangement shows benefits then Jobe is headed for a big pay-day.
Laziness Breeds Mediocrity
I tell you what though (Jobe’s getting worked up! Calm down big fella!). Some people deserve to eat shit, boring food.
These Africanians don’t realise they’re like two ingredients away from making delicious sushi.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Tips turned out to be fraudulent. The search continues.
Domain.com.au <-- good resource to find lost new places to live for underappreciated blogger-type dudes.
Globalisation > You
TIME LINE (sponsored by Rolex)Back before globalisation and the internet it would take like 3 weeks for my shits to arrive from America that I ordered on the internet. Now it’s arrived in like 3 business days. Fucking ace.
Sunday -> order clothing via website based in America
Monday -> PUBLIC HOLIDAY
Tuesday -> Hung out a bit
Wednesday -> Worked
Thursday -> Hung out a bit (at work)
Friday -> FUCKING CLOTHES HERE
But we thought it was good. Can’t you market good music?
We’re disillusioned right now.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Six Things I’d Say While Injecting Heroin
- Level with me, Sport. Do you slip her the hot beef injection?
- Hang on a second, man. I’m injecting heroin.
- Thursday is… TIRED DAY (note: only if injecting on a Wednesday)
- Trust me man, this isn’t heroin.
- Just wait til I blog about this.
- Holy shit my veins are fucken peaking.
Bowling For Inspiration
Some people think by retreating to their study or quietly contemplating. Me, I go bowling to think.
Things I think about while bowling:
- State of the world (pretty shit really).
- Soup recipes.
- How to bowl a strike.
- The Children
- The Dandy Warhols
- Did I leave the oven on?
- My future employment prospects.
- If I’d get sick from licking the ball.
It’s A Personal Belief
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Dumb Arse Cops (D.A.Cs, for short)
She looked, nodded, moved on.
She had a big arse too. Not in a hot way.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
So I ran into Typewriter yesterday by chance and totally didn’t have any targets. How can we progress like that? We can’t, man. We can’t.
So I thought I’d draw up a list of five supplementary targets:
- Hold her for a while.
- Make out like frisky teenagers (punk kids!).
- Closest without going over.
- Find out what sort of stuff she wants to do so we can do it.
- Not suck.
I would like to achieve four of those five.
But then she said she didn’t really want to see me anymore because I wasn’t really her type, so that was sort of pointless drawing up that list.
Considering Doing a New… Restaurant
Hold that shit in. I swear. I don’t want you dirtying up my establishment.
Kid’s Menu: McDonalds
Kids don’t want some shrivelled arse fish giners. They want McDonalds! Except for kids with weird parents who don’t allow them McDonalds because they get off on being alternative. Then the kids just want their parents to DIE. We'll serve that on a bed of rocket.
Edible children. Come on… you know you want it.
Low Fat Menu
Directions on how to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY RESTAURANT.
Everyone likes to save!
8 Animal Stew
For those times when you can’t decide which animal you want a piece of (vengeance, one step at a time).
Will you come? I’d like it ever so much.
What’s Up With… Jamie Durie
I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that, but why do channel 9 have to PROMOTE it? No wonder they’re getting their arses handed to them in the ratings.
Sex sells and also demeans people but no one minds (except fatties).
Dream a Little Dream
Monday, April 17, 2006
Random Thoughts… During “March of the Penguins”
- There seems to be a lot of couples on dates in here. Am I out of place?
- I wish I was a penguin.
- Wait… Is it ‘I wish I WERE a penguin’?
- Penguins don’t have this sort of trouble.
- They should serve soup at the movies.
- Actually, soup would be too noisy. Maybe stew.
- I bet THAT penguin could fly if it wanted to. It's just being lazy.
- I’d simply DIE for a baby penguin fur coat.
- I’m glad I’m not a penguin.
- It’s not really a march, is it? More of a walk.
- I don’t care if soup is inappropriate. I want it. Now.
- Okay. What did I miss while I was off getting soup?
- Shit. It’s over…
- I wonder if the penguins won.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
He was drunk and shiny and my meat fell apart in his mouth.
She teases me.
According to the songs (which are a trustworthy source since hip hop is basically just reporting what happens on the streets) there are a lot of female virgins offering themselves to rapper-types.
This is crazy! You need to walk before you can run.
To all girls: stop being so fucking stupid. If you feel you are ready to become sexually active then hook up with someone you care about, NOT a rapper who will hit your pussy raw and then leave.
I wonder how Typewriter went with her secret targets. Or maybe I was the only one with targets at the dinner table.
I get the first 4 commandments of Swear Jars:
- Get a jar.
- Put money in jar.
- Watch jar accumulate.
What happens with the money? Where does it go? It’s not like it’s enough money to buy a car and a family will hardly use it to go and get coke and hookers.
WHAT HAPPENS TO THE MONEY IN THE SWEAR JAR?
Can one of my attractive readers who has used the services of a swear jar please tell me what happens with the money.