A Dilemma

I'm not really lonely or nothing but I really want to update my relationship status on MySpace from 'single' to 'in a relationship'.

Dear Ice

Hey.

Look. I know you're getting sort of sad because winter is coming and you think I won't chew you anymore. But I promise I will. I did last winter didn't I?

Are you even listening to me?

God, your insecurity just fucking pisses me off sometimes.

Yes! You are insecure.

Press Release

What’s This On My Hand and Channel 7 are pleased to announce the new partnership between hit blog, WTOMH, and The Fairies, the dancingest kid’s program in the free world.

This exciting partnership of a television series and a blog will revolutionise the way people interact with media around them. It is expected to bring numerous benefits to both parties in the future and pave the way for similar partnerships between blogs and television companies.

"Watch me!"

WTOMH's creator, Jobe, said he was thrilled at the arrangement. "I'm thrilled."

The 7 Network is also excited at this innovative deal. 7 spokesman David Miller stated that "[the network is] thrilled."

The deal will begin immediately and run for a trial period of 3 months. If the arrangement shows benefits then Jobe is headed for a big pay-day.

Quiet Post

Shhhhh

Laziness Breeds Mediocrity

I remember back in primary school we had a day to raise money for the starving children of Africa (how awfully specific). To make us appreciate our lives they served cold white rice, apparently the staple for these poor Africanians.

I tell you what though (Jobe’s getting worked up! Calm down big fella!). Some people deserve to eat shit, boring food.

These Africanians don’t realise they’re like two ingredients away from making delicious sushi.

Search Update

Was hoping to go and inspect some places where I’ve been told my lost new place to live may be.

Tips turned out to be fraudulent. The search continues.

Domain.com.au <-- good resource to find lost new places to live for underappreciated blogger-type dudes.

Globalisation > You

There was a time I hated on globalisation, but it was while I was dating an activist chick and I sort of just acted down to get in her pants, so I don’t know if that counts (2 + 2?). Anyway, today I became really fucking impressed with globalisation.

TIME LINE (sponsored by Rolex)

Sunday -> order clothing via website based in America
Monday -> PUBLIC HOLIDAY
Tuesday -> Hung out a bit
Wednesday -> Worked
Thursday -> Hung out a bit (at work)
Friday -> FUCKING CLOTHES HERE

Back before globalisation and the internet it would take like 3 weeks for my shits to arrive from America that I ordered on the internet. Now it’s arrived in like 3 business days. Fucking ace.

Honest2Goodness Update

So we’re in the studio, rehearsing some dance steps (what we do to relax) when the record exec storms in. He says the new shit we were working on for the soundtrack to “Prom Queen” is shithouse and not commercial enough.

But we thought it was good. Can’t you market good music?

We’re disillusioned right now.
h2g

Six Things I’d Say While Injecting Heroin

• Level with me, Sport. Do you slip her the hot beef injection?
• Hang on a second, man. I’m injecting heroin.
• Thursday is… TIRED DAY (note: only if injecting on a Wednesday)
• Trust me man, this isn’t heroin.
• Just wait til I blog about this.
• Holy shit my veins are fucken peaking.

Bowling For Inspiration

Some people think by retreating to their study or quietly contemplating. Me, I go bowling to think.

Things I think about while bowling:

• State of the world (pretty shit really).
• Soup recipes.
• How to bowl a strike.
• The Children
• The Dandy Warhols
• Did I leave the oven on?
• Hotblogbabes
• My future employment prospects.
• If I’d get sick from licking the ball.

Quick Post

Just a quick post to let you know that the next three posts will be totally un-Jobely in honour of opposites day.

Taste Sensation

I’m going to eat the placenta from my wife after she gives birth to our child, silently. Possibly in a lasagne.

Four Reasons Why My Collar Is Better Up

• Trendy
• Hot
• Chicks love it
• Cool

It’s A Personal Belief

I will not sell out under any circumstances. Do not even bother offering me money.

Quick Post

Quick post to say I'm tired and I'm going to bed. You're welcome to join me.

Dumb Arse Cops (D.A.Cs, for short)

Tonight on the train there were police doing random ticket inspections. I had a correct ticket but accidentally showed them an older on in my wallet that was for a completely different trainline.

She looked, nodded, moved on.

She had a big arse too. Not in a hot way.

Supplementary Targets

So I ran into Typewriter yesterday by chance and totally didn’t have any targets. How can we progress like that? We can’t, man. We can’t.

So I thought I’d draw up a list of five supplementary targets:

• Hold her for a while.
• Make out like frisky teenagers (punk kids!).
• Closest without going over.
• Find out what sort of stuff she wants to do so we can do it.
• Not suck.

I would like to achieve four of those five.

But then she said she didn’t really want to see me anymore because I wasn’t really her type, so that was sort of pointless drawing up that list.

Considering Doing a New… Restaurant

So my old restaurant is boring me so I’m thinking creating a revolutionary new restaurant in Sydney. I’m thinking it will have the following features:

No Toilets
Hold that shit in. I swear. I don’t want you dirtying up my establishment.

Kid’s Menu: McDonalds
Kids don’t want some shrivelled arse fish giners. They want McDonalds! Except for kids with weird parents who don’t allow them McDonalds because they get off on being alternative. Then the kids just want their parents to DIE. We'll serve that on a bed of rocket.

Kids Menu
Edible children. Come on… you know you want it.

Low Fat Menu
Directions on how to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY RESTAURANT.

Specials
Everyone likes to save!

8 Animal Stew
For those times when you can’t decide which animal you want a piece of (vengeance, one step at a time).

Will you come? I’d like it ever so much.

What’s Up With… Jamie Durie

So he’s pretty ace at creating gardens and what not. But why doesn’t he advocate leering at women? Is he… you know… conservative?

I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that, but why do channel 9 have to PROMOTE it? No wonder they’re getting their arses handed to them in the ratings.

Sex sells and also demeans people but no one minds (except fatties).

I’ll Be Honest….

Readers, you’re getting kind of fat. It’s not healthy.

Dream a Little Dream

Lately I’ve been obsessed with finding winter-themed imagery, as it is so fucking profound AS THE WEATHER TURNS COLD.

Random Thoughts… During “March of the Penguins”

• There seems to be a lot of couples on dates in here. Am I out of place?
• I wish I was a penguin.
• Wait… Is it ‘I wish I WERE a penguin’?
• Penguins don’t have this sort of trouble.
• They should serve soup at the movies.
• Actually, soup would be too noisy. Maybe stew.
• I bet THAT penguin could fly if it wanted to. It's just being lazy.
• I’d simply DIE for a baby penguin fur coat.
• I’m glad I’m not a penguin.
• It’s not really a march, is it? More of a walk.
• I don’t care if soup is inappropriate. I want it. Now.
• Okay. What did I miss while I was off getting soup?
• Shit. It’s over…
• I wonder if the penguins won.

A Coincidence?

The other night I was attacked in a park by a lion made of one thousand torches.

He was drunk and shiny and my meat fell apart in his mouth.

Love

So I've got this massive crush on a hotbabe! Her name is Patience and she sings music. I certainly can't think of a hotter combination! (except maybe octopus head and giraffe body?)

She teases me.

"Yea, I know I'm the shit. You aren't worthy, Jobe. I'm so haaaaaaaaawt."

"Maybe we could be together, Jobe? I'm considering it."

"We would be very happy together because you are a nice guy and I am hot."

"HA! I lied like a deceptive tiger! We could never be together! Just continue to lust after me and I will continue to ignore you!"

Foolish Girls

So I’ve been listening to a lot of hip hop lately, as usual, and something has occurred to me: girls are really stupid!

According to the songs (which are a trustworthy source since hip hop is basically just reporting what happens on the streets) there are a lot of female virgins offering themselves to rapper-types.

This is crazy! You need to walk before you can run.

To all girls: stop being so fucking stupid. If you feel you are ready to become sexually active then hook up with someone you care about, NOT a rapper who will hit your pussy raw and then leave.

Keeping Score

Okay, Saturday's dinner went well. A total of four out of the five targets were achieved quite easily. I pushed very hard to become a CEO but I just ran out of time (only General Manager by the end of the night).

I wonder how Typewriter went with her secret targets. Or maybe I was the only one with targets at the dinner table.

Swear Jars

I get the first 4 commandments of Swear Jars:

1. Get a jar.
2. Swear.
3. Put money in jar.
4. Watch jar accumulate.

What happens with the money? Where does it go? It’s not like it’s enough money to buy a car and a family will hardly use it to go and get coke and hookers.

WHAT HAPPENS TO THE MONEY IN THE SWEAR JAR?

Can one of my attractive readers who has used the services of a swear jar please tell me what happens with the money.

When Did Porn Get So Lazy?