Too Much 'The Bill'

I've been watching a shitload of "The Bill" lately. So much so that every action I perform is preceded by me announcing "for the benefit of the tape" and then stating the action I am performing.

Fuck Sydney

I fucking hate Sydney on a Friday night. Specifically the sign “toilets closed for cleaning” that seems to haunt me and stalk me wherever I go.

Search Update

Well today I went all over the fucking country, following tip-offs I have received regarding a new place to live in, that I lost and has been missing for a while.

I began my search by taking on a sidekick. I asked some dudes but they all said no, so I grabbed the neighbour's kitty and used that. Sidekick name: Captain Ballsack. Abilities: Tree climbing, 4 legs, fur.

After this I first went to Newtown, which was fun but offered little in my search for the lost new place to live in.

After a detour through Enmore for sightseeing, it was off to Surry Hills to get a little lost and then look at a place I had been told COULD be the one I have been looking for. The anonymous tipster was wrong: it was an utter shithole. I told this to Captain Ballsack loud enough so the person currently living in the place--who was sitting in the living room--could hear and feel like shit.

The search continued over the bridge into North Sydney and Waverton where the reported sightings proved to be nothing more than people playing tricks.

But we'll keep looking. This quest will be completed.

Swear to God

Swear to God I'm going to be sick. Swear to God.

An Announcement

Okay, calm down. Caaaaaaaalm. We really need you all to just.calm.down.OKAY?

RIGHT.

I know I didn't post last night. Okay! I admit it. I knoooooow. But there isn't much we can do about that now. That was last night. It gets worse though.

Hey! Calm down!

I probably won't post tonight either.

I feel sort of sorry for you guys because I have this hilarity in my mind like 24/7/365/42/543 and you poor suckers have to wait for me.

I treat you baaaaaad and all you know is that you want more. Will I give it to you? Tell me how bad you want it.

'No' Means 'No'

UNLESS IT’S OPPOSITES DAY!

Quick Post

Just a quick post that I have 10 minutes to make tonight’s 5 posts before I go to sleep. Therefore the following 4 posts will be shit. Actually. May as well include this in it.

I feel that my lack of time is detracting from this blog’s quality. I am insecure but also very objective. So confusion is the order of the day.

A Short Essay on Short Essays on Writing Short Essays

Despite the adventure of Google and other wonderful products, such a penicillin, short essays on writing short essays have not improved at all in the past 500 years. I don’t say this to be controversial. No, I just wish to state the facts. They have not gotten any better because the first short essay on writing short essays was really fucking great and I don’t know how you can improve on it when it is already so good. Like butter.

The perfect structure of a good short essay on writing short essays is as follows:

• Introduction to writing short essays
• History of… writing short essays
• Conclusion

In conclusion, that is pretty much all I have to say. Conclusions in essays on short essays on writing short essays are highly not useful and tend to distract from the main point of the article, which is using a banal topic as a metaphor for fucken… man’s struggle and shit.

The Ins and Outs of Being Post-Cool

Out: One night stands.
In: Poking in the back alley then returning to the club for more.

Out: Repeating funny ‘Family Guy’ moments to friends.
In: Repeating ‘Wheel of Fortune’ moments to friends. TOP DOLLAAAAAAAR.

Out: Salads
In: Being Russian

Out: AFL
In: Waffles

Out: Faeces
In: Food. It’s the ciiiiircllllle of liiiiiife.

Attn: Fashion

Fuck this was a brilliant post I thought of in the shower. What I need is a whiteboard in the shower that is immune to water. It may be made of wax. Or possibly PLANETEERS.

It would solve many problems.

More Advice From The 50-Year Old Divorcee Guy

If I directed a movie I would have shitloads of titties in it, man. You know? Just like the 70’s and 80’s when that shit was GOOD. You know? Oh man it’d be fucking sweet.

{{OMG Truth Serum}}

I have an addictive personality but it’s okay because I’m too lazy to maintain an addiction.

OMG Truth Serum

{{Have You Saved The Fucking Cheetahs Yet?}}

What's That Up Ahead? A Mark on the Land

This is the 1262nd post on this blog.

I challenge you to find:
a) anyone who has many posts.
b) all of the above.

Reasons You Will Hate Him Too

So there's this dude at work who I don't really like. He "objectifies women and is a failure at life". <---Excerpt from official bio on his website

So I'm hanging out in the bathroom the other day when I see he's making use of the facilities. I head into one of the stalls and curse his name. Yes, that's right, I thought of him while I held my penis. I thought about how much I hated him and, in a moment of hate, a thought popped into my head: "I bet he doesn't wash his hands."

And you know what, readers? You probably don't since I never told ANYONE this. So you'll be the first to hear it. I wonder who will be the first to come to the blog after I post this and read it, thus earning the title of 'first person I told this to'.

He didn't even wash his hands! I heard him zip, take a few steps, open the door and exit. Filthy motherfucker.

The Last Goodbye

So I have a bit of a cold right now (LOL, your immune system is wack, Jobe!) and one of the symptoms involves ***spoilers*** my nose running.

Dilemma:
There is only one (1) tissue left in the box next to me (I masturbated a few times as well, so it didn't last for long) and I sort of need to blow my nose. But I reckon I can last for a while. What's a girl to do?

Bear Baiting

So I was out fishing yesterday when this fish came along and took my bait.

I was all “wtf, fishy? I need that to catch your family and friends!” and it just ran off with my bait, stopping only to turn quickly and give me the finger.

Arsehole fish. I’m used to being bullied by humans but not fish.

Goona Sit Myself Down and Write You a Letter (CHORUS)

I’m so into writing letters at the moment. *

Can I write you one?


Note: Probably just a passing fad. Haven’t written a letter for years (ever?)

Going Round The Twist

Sometimes I feel that I just love it too much. Like it's wrong.

I suppose it is...

Quick Post

This is a quick post to let you know that I won't really post anything tonight, due to the fact that I am sick and do not feel like it. But I have some great posts in store for you! (Not really, they're shit. I'll probably just delete them and tell you about the time I had anal sex that went wrong/attacked children)

2 Famous Curt(a)ins

"John"

"Red"

Farewell Big Brother

Dear John/Big Brother,

I think the time has come for me to say goodbye. Please don’t be upset. When we first started this crazy ride together we both knew it wouldn’t last forever. We’ve had fun, right? Like that time the bisexual scrubber let the bogan dry-hump her in the sauna. Or the time the fat chick hurt her ankle and proved to the nation that fat people suck.

I remember when we first met. We hung out all the time. Every day I’d see you around the same time and on weekends I got to see you for ever longer. I watched a lot of television in those days and you fitted in well. I remember many tests for uni that I went poorly on because I chose to watch your first episode rather than study.

Things changed a little. I grew up and watched less television and you grew up and put yourself out there more. Your night time incarnation came around at the perfect time—just when I was unemployed and stayed up late nights to watch infomercials. It was great. There was no editing, no crappy voiceovers, no challenges. Just folks hanging out. That’s what you were all about, you know?

Eventually you got shit with a tiny elf always accompanying you at night, but I still watched. The took away my infomercials but you remained. Even though I didn’t see you in the evening I could still tell what was happening. The last times I saw you were some of the best. We saw that cute brunette playing with her vadge’s settings in the sauna while the paddlepop lion chattered endlessly, and we say that one nice guy that had a brain act like a brainless twat around the aforementioned cute brunette. She knew some amazing guys, she said. Amazing. But she just didn’t see him in that way. And we cried together a little.

And so it’s with sadness that I say goodbye for now. I dislike your evening shows, I now sleep when you come around at night and you can forget about that godawful weekend shit, so we won’t cross paths anymore.

All I can say is good luck with everything and thankyou for being there for me when I needed you.

Love, Always,
Jobe

Friends

Tonight I made too many friends. It was just a ridiculous number. No one should make that many new friends in one night!

Blind Date

So I was set up on this blind date with this chick who sells blinds for a living.

I really can’t stand blinds but I decided to go out with her anyway.

She talked about blinds and blind related products ALL.FUCKING.NIGHT.

Painful Memories

As a child there was this older kid down the road that beat me at everything. It sucked. Then he got really bad acne and couldn’t run anymore because of the tumour and I felt better.

More Painful Memories

As a child my father beat me nearly every day.

He was faster, smarter and stronger than me so I never stood a chance. But then I grew up--got faster, smarter, stronger--and it was a lot closer.

Well...

All's well that ends well.