Dear Raw Comedy

You were pretty disappointing this year.

Your shitness inspires me to enter you, like a vapid schoolgirl.

See you next year, faggot.

Odd

Why the freakin' hell are people still visiting Willowdale? That shit is so last year.

New Idea's Saturday Kitchen

New Idea’s Saturday Kitchen is the perfect example of a possibly great show that has suffered greatly from having no stability.

In the first season it was hosted by that stunning, dark-haired goddess with the mouth that I wanted to fuck all day long (or until her lips chapped and she whined).

Then the seasons changed, the leaves fell and that shite chubber took over. I didn’t watch too much in those dark days. Instead preparing to stick knitting needles up my urethra.

Today it is has returned or another season and, again, there is a new host: Stuart MaGill and his wife/life partner (Tina Turner?).

Imagine my surprise when I was chilling, contemplating if Stuart MacGill will last as a host, when my telephone rings. It’s Channel Seven on the phone, telling me that I’m the next host of New Idea’s Saturday Kitchen.

Sweet!

Things I plan to do to revamp the show (if the producers let me):

• Less cooking, more food theory.
• More dangerous cooking steps. “Put your eye on the flame to test if it is hot enough. If it is, your cornea will blister.”
• Bang all the female guests.
• One word: Yellow.
• Cash in on my success by writing a book/play.
• Have a segment that shows transvestites how to cook, because they’re people after all (two people, sort of).
• Bust myths about food (chilli on the penis, etc).
• Soundtrack will be depressing songs from The Smiths, The Cure and Nicky Webster.
• Become elitist/scientologist(NO COOKING WITH ANTIDEPRESSANTS!).

The Amazing Racist

“Your passport to FUN”

A while back I auditioned for an exciting television series that will hitting our screens soon: The Amazing Racist.

The idea of the show is that teams, made up of two people, race around the world for a million dollars, pissing off as many foreigners with racist stereotypes and comments in the process.

“Excuse me. Can you tell me the way to the Banjav Temple, you filthy Indo fuck?/I hope we don’t get eliminated.”

It’ll be great to see the world and it will challenge my skills (at being racist).

Ohhh Ohhhh

So I thought I was a big boy (with my pull ups now) after avoiding Belgian Beer all day.

Apparently it got it's friend, Spanish sangria, to get me.

Bastard.

Suffice to say there will be no posting tonight. But a Steph-esque piss story coming tomorrow maybe ey.

Crazy Penis

Crazy Penis last night was GREAT!

It was so great meeting everyone.

Fun times...!

Quick Post

This is just a quick post to let you know that tonight’s blogging may be a little sloppy (not in THAT way, dirtymind) as I have once again met my nemesis: Belgian beer (not in THAT way, dirtymind).

Quick PS

Little Creatures Pale Ale is quite fucking acceptable as well.

Mathemagician

So there’s this product called Mathemagic doing the rounds that basically teaches kids maths (errr…).

“I can see learning before my very eyes.”

Yea it’s pretty mathy, but I don’t see the magic. Seems like a ploy to cash in on the Harry Potter trend. Still, if it helps kids confidence I’m all for it.

“I feel my brain expanding. Thanks, Mathemagic Computer Tutor!”

What Would Jobe Do?

Hi Jobe,

I’ve been having a dilemma recently and I thought I may as well email you and ask for your opinion on the matter.

My husband, Monty, does not get along with my best friend’s husband, Howard. What ever can I do to restore harmony?

Sicerely yours,
Carleene


Well holy shit why didn’t you ask me earlier (in, like, chapter 1?). Here’s the plan, Carleene. The “course of action”, if you will:

1. Host a dinner party.
2. Get everyone really drunk. But happy drunk. This is the key.
3. Next stop Charade City.
4. Put Monty and Howard on the same team.
5. Subject: Affirmative Action
6. Wounds healed. Harmony returned.

More Advice From The 50-Year-Old Divorcee

Forget about your old friends. They’re treacherous. Make new friends. Funky friends.

Places I’d Like To Have My 15 Minutes of Fame

So I’m become pretty famous for being an underappreciated blogger-type dude and it occurred to me that I should be fairly proactive by thinking of some places that I’d like to spend my 15 minutes of fame. Check my list:

Getting cut by Leonard Cohen (so long Jobey-man)
Pros: Meeting Leonard Cohen
Cons: Getting cut

Advancing about ¼ of the way through a line at Centrelink
Pros: The feeling that I’m really getting somewhere
Cons: Surrounded by poor people

Captain Snooze’s galley kitchen
Pros: Ship-shape
Cons: Dislike novelty shapes

Dodging questions about my affair with a stripper
Pros: Attention
Cons: Stripper germs

Cairns
Pros: Sunny
Cons: Bono

Hangin’ with Steph
Pros: She’s a cheap date
Cons: She’s a little messed up right now

Hangin with Mr Cooper
Pros: Free basketball tips
Cons: Stripper germs

Another Freakin Word Verification Post

Get the fuck out

Things I Know About… The Hit TV Show “Thank God You’re Here”

• Would be better if they were put in real life, life or death situations and forced to improvise their way out.
• Women are not funny.
• Tom Gleisner is not funny.
• Tom Gleisner is possible a woman.
• No Motown soundtrack to accompany it.
• Would be good if a Kodiac Bear was let loose on the set.
• Probably the only thing MF Doom hasn’t guested on.
• Would be better if there was underappreciated blogger-type dudes on it.
• On Channel 10.
• Probably not a front for a drug operation.
• “The Wedge” will suck.
• Smoked salmon would obscure my view of it.

Tagged! MeMe Fever

Today I got tagged by a fellow underappreciated blogger-type dude so I thought I’d answer their questions…

1. What’s Your Favourite Colour (to associate with rebirth)?
Life blood red

2. Ever kissed a boy (on the pee)?
Yes. Trent. LOL

3. Has Someone Been Hitting You? I swear to God I’ll kill them!
You’d do that for me?

4. What is your Net Worth (to Jesus)?
About 4 apostles. Good ones too, not the crappy backstabbing ones.

5. First things first. I, Poppa, freaks all the hunnies?
Dummies, Playboy bunnies, those that wantin’ money.

6. Do you speak any languages other than English?
No. Just English.

7. Say you killed this dude, right. Follow me? What would your alibi be?
I was too busy making this shit post.

8. A ping pong ball is to a ping pong bat as a cricket ball is to a ______?
A dull post that shouldn’t be posted.

9. What’s the last thing you ate (when you were in Paraguay)?
My words?

10. Can we improve our service?
Don’t post this, Jobe. Whatever you do.

Hi, Sir

So last night I was hanging around Chinatown, waiting for someone, loitering the fuck out of the scene, when I was approached by two fellas in suits. At first I was all “oh, shit, men in black II!” but then I relaxed when I noticed that they were carrying bibles and one had a nametag that said “pastor” (were they bible bashers, LOL?).

Before I knew it I was being interrogated.

“So do you believe in Jesus?”

“Not really.”

“Well what happens when we die?”

“Not much (decomposition?).”

“Okay… [cunt was shook at this stage] Well what happens before we get here?”

“Science/atoms/etc.”

“Hmmm why do you think we’re here?”

“We’ll I’m waiting for a friend to get some Japanese for dinner. You guys are probably here to spread the word about Jesii.”

“What background are you? Christian?”

Ohhhhhhhhhh. He puts it on the line.

“No, Catholic.”

And FAILS.

“Oh. Well have a nice night.”

THE Interview with Todd and Brant

No doubt you’ve read all of the rumours about multi-million dollar offers that have been tabled for the exclusive rights to the stories of the two Beaconsfield heroes, Todd Russell and Brant Webb. Well it looks like WTOMH’s bid (undisclosed) has been accepted and we have one the exclusive rights to interview the fuck out of them FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE WORLD! SO here is the long awaited interview.

Jobe (hitherto ‘J’): Sup dudes?

Todd (from now ‘T’): Yea not much. Just spending a lot of time with our friends and families.

J: So what was that mine like? Any good?

T: Mate, it was awful. Really cramped. Pitch black. Pretty scary.

J: Did they at least have a Maccas?

Russell (probably ‘R’): Nah not for the first week. Only a dodgy fish and chip shop.

T: Those chips were shit.

J: How did you keep yourself going for so long?

T: A lot of jokes.

R: Yea it was the jokes. We did a lot of jokes based on wordplay. Like ‘this mine is mine. You cannot have it.’

*silence*

T: Yea it was funnier down in the mine ™.

J: What was that?

T: What?

J: That ™ thing.

R: Nothing.

J: Oh… Well, hey, how was meeting Eddy Macguire?

T: Urgh. Don’t remind us.

R: We thought they said MacGyver wanted to meet us. We were so disappointed.

T: We were really just being polite but he wouldn’t go away.

J: I’ve heard he does that. So how are your families after going through this ordeal?

R: They’re fine.

T: Yea, fine. A little shorter, maybe? Not much. Just an inch or so.

J: Did you have any religious experiences down in the mine?

R: Experieii?

T: Not really. Just slept a lot. And played trapped miner games.

R: Yea. Fucking sick of trapped miner charades now.

T: Tell me about it. “It’s a… trapped… a trapped miner!”

R: Yea. Got old fast.

J: Guys, thanks for your time. Good luck with the movie/book/fast food chain.

R + T: No worries

R + T: Ooooo we spoke at the same time. Freaky.

T + R: Whoa…

You've Heard The Rumours

I don't CARE if I'm the number 2 match when searching blogger for 'jobe and lindsay'. Fact of the matter is there is nothing going on between Lindsay Lohan and I.

We met at the recording studio while Honest2Goodness were doing the score for her new movie and we've had a lot of fun with each other but, honestly, we a just good friends.

(No Racist)

Call me racist (no, really, go ahead. Do it!) but I think if I saw a person with purple skin walking near me on the street I’d clutch my handbag closer to my bosom and avoid eye contact.

Dear Big Brother Adults Only

Hi,

Nice name change.

Where has all the vadge and boobage gone?

Yours,
Jobe

Random Thoughts While At The Zoo

• Why are you charging so much to see animals? I can see animals for free ANYWHERE (almost).
• Oh. Okay. That’s a fair point. Sorry for totally exploding there.
• Oh, awesome, mixed nuts!
• What do you mean it’s for the animals only?
• This is pretty freakin boring.
• Monkeys = overrated.
• Too much walking.
• Why does that kid get a stroller?
• Oh, I get it now. The zoo is fun!
• Birds = overrated.
• Snow leopards = live up to reputation.
• This bitch better put out or this zoo trip would be for NOTHING.
• They should crossbreed some of these fuckers to make it more interesting for me.
• What do you MEAN there aren’t any sperm whales here?
• What Would The Fresh Prince Do?
• I’m cold. I wonder if anyone would notice if I killed one of those seals for their toasty, toasty pelt.
• Oh, God. I can’t stand these accusing eyes.
• Everyone suspects me.
• What was that? Oh man they’re on to me.
• Oooo penguins.
• Holy shit! Even the penguins know!
• I’ve gotta get out of here.

Meh

So there are about 5 posts that are waiting to be written. But I can't be bothered because tonight I'm the very deifnition of "pretty crabby".

LISTEN UP!!! Exciting Investment Opportunity

The only thing I love more than a PH balanced soap is trading commodities on a small scale (I’ll trade you 1/32nd of an ounce of Gold for 100g of your Pork). But that’s not really relevant. Because I’m here to talk to you about an exciting investment opportunity: speedos

Soon To Be Swimming (in profits)

Did you know that Speedo sales are expected to skyrocket soon as they come back in fashion? They are! If you invest now there’s no telling what sort of profit you could make (good!). Leading economists * and share traders think that the return on investment could be as high as 300% GUARANTEED** if you get in at the right time (now).

Email me for a prospectus NOW.


* There are no leading economists. Just a guy with dubious maths skills
** Not a guarantee

Can’t One Night Stand It

So I caught a televisual advertisement for Neighbours next week and I’m pretty shocked. Apparently Skye (Sky? Ski?) has ***SPOILER*** gone “off the rails” ™ and is going to have a one night stand.

Now that’s pretty darn shocking. Sex was always one of those subjects on Neighbours that just wasn’t talked about. And as for introducing the concept of a one night stand is just fucking out there and in your face television DEFINED.

Now I’ll come out and say that I have nothing against one night stands. Most of the times I have sexual intercourse it is during a one night stand, whether the girl knows it or not (she will by morning, LOL). But to show it on Neighbours just doesn’t seem right.

I wonder why Skye is having a one night stand anyway. Does she really like sex? Can’t tell the difference between love and sex? Is just discovering the joy of sex? Is trying to fill a void in her life? Gets off on the power trip of making guys cum? Needed something to do other than watch TV because all that was on is FUCKING Big Brother and she hates it?

I guess we’ll just have to tune in to find out!

Crazy With Concern

Guys, I don’t want to worry you but I feel I should be honest…

I’m in doubt for the World Cup right now.