Just Kidding

Man… I can’t have a baby. I’m too fucking young to look after a child. I’m practically still a kid myself.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

Because the switch is broken and I can’t turn it off.

I hate to ask but I’m really starting to panic. Last night I started something I couldn’t finish when I tried to break the globe. Maybe it will work if I put my hand in glove and turn it?

Heaven knows I’m miserable now with this problem. I feel like the boy with the thorn in his side. And don’t even bother with that “how many ___s does it take to change a light bulb” shit, because that joke isn’t funny anymore.

Look, I hate to paint a vulgar picture but I’ve just had a really unhappy birthday.

Fuck That

So it’s pretty obvious that swearing has become ingrained in our culture. People swear at work; teachers swear in classrooms and old ladies swear amongst each other while playing bridge. But there are some times when swearing isn’t appropriate, regardless of how you mean it.

“I love those fucking new Carlton beers!”

OKAY

“I love fucking kids”

NOT OKAY

Dear Girl On The Train

Hi,

You were reading Murakami’s “Kafka on the Shore”. Do you like it? I liked it.

I have a small confession to make. I sort of fell in love with you instantly when I saw what you were reading.

I think we could be happy together. Wold you like to give it a try?

I know. I know. You’re a lot older than me and you are sort of plain looking and you seem to be a bitch and I think that strange smell is coming from you or possibly your coat but I think that the bond we have because of the book is inseparable.

What do you think? Should be just skip all the formalities and become life partners?

Deer Girl On The Train

Where did she come from?

Why is she half deer half girl?

This is seriously messing with my head.

What’s with HER head anyway?

What do you think?

Mix(ed Results) Tape

So today I made a mixtape for all my friends. It’s something I like to do every now and then to get them into new and exciting music. This one is called “Glimpse Into My Soul” (gotta have a theme, dude) and features songs that will let the listeners know how I feel (through song). It has 14 songs from The Smiths and Wheatus’ “Teenage Dirtbag”.

It’s heart on the sleeve stuff.

Later Dudes

A lot of comedians try to be funny when they finish their set and head off into the unknown/backstage area by ending with a one-liner such as “Thanks, you guys have been great and so have I”.

But MAN that shit is so played out. We get it, you're funny, etc.

When I finish my set at Raw Comedy 2007 I think I’ll leave people surrfering with an existential crisis.

“Thanks, guys. I’ve been here. So have you. BUT WHY????????”

Gabbin’ With God

Hey, God!

Hi?

Are you listening? Show me a sign.

Anything.

What’s that? A signed jersey from the 1970 grand final. Oh… Not what I had in mind. HOLY CRAP YOU’RE A MEMORABILIA MADMAN!

Let me ask you this: when people say the name “Steve” do you think they’re talking about you but just mispronounced your name? Because you’re arrogant?

Fucking Cheetahs = Saved

Great work guys, you {{saved the fucking cheetahs}}. Now cheetah numbers are so plentiful that you literally cannot walk outside with running into a cheetah (for a chat).

As promised, posting will resume.

{{Save The Fucking Cheetahs}}

Have you saved the fucking cheetahs yet? <--rhetorical question. You have not.

Until you save the cheetahs (yes, ALL the cheetahs) I’m not going to be posting. I hope this gives you incentive to save the fucking cheetahs.

Stunning (Statistically Speaking)

So I saw some stats today saying that I only have the 4th highest number of posts on my blog in the past month. And that was JUST in NSW.

The most frequent post had over 200 posts in the past month, while I had a measly 88. And if you look at all of Australia I barely scrape into the top 10. I mean, yea, the majority of them are shitboring blogs BUT STILL.

Who am I if I’m not the most productive blogger-type dude in the world? <--rhetorical question. I am no one.

Marvin Gaye would be wondering ‘what’s going on?’ pretty hard right now.

The Road To Raw

I just remembered that I’m a really bad and nervous public speaker. This could be bad.

The Final Word on Me and Steph

Well in addition to being a grass, it appears that Ms Fits has taken it upon herself to spread lies. Check this comment she made on Steph’s blog:
“I may very well do so as I continue pondering my private theory that you and Jobe are actually secret boyfriend and girlfriend and are planning some kind of sex-blog marriage. You DEVIANTS.”

Shockingly, Fits isn’t the only one to being saying such things, so the time has come to address them. Look:

• Steph and I are not going out and we have not been so for roughly three months.
• The frequency of our posts has not decreased lately due to us spending a lot of time together.
• When she left her other job she did not come straight over to my place and I did not take time off my work to comfort her and spend time with her.
• We do not make love more than five times a day.
• We are not going away for the weekend next week.
• Steph is not the most amazing person I have ever met.
• We are not “keeping it quiet in blogland”.
• We are not “very happy together”.
• She is not a limber tiger in the sack.
• We did not go out to dinner last night.
• We are not going out together tonight to watch the football.
• We do not spend hours "just cuddling".
• Our parents do not really like the other person and hope we marry one day.
• We are not pleasantly surprised at how that chance meeting has turned out.
  

So now that’s done. I do not want to hear any more talk on the issue. So please leave us alone. Not that there is an 'us', because we are not going out secretly.

Jobe Takes On Broadway!

With all this talk of Boys From Oz and fucking Producers (Dr Dre?), it made sense for me to develop a Broadway musical/experience.

Okay so here’s the “blurb”:
The life (and possibly times, if there is time) of Princess Diana, the people’s princess, told in the same perspective of Memento, with catchy melodies you will be humming as you drive home through the precarious underground tunnel, marvelling at the pillars.

Act I:
Princess Diana, known just as ‘P Diani’, is a commoner (filthy). Doesn’t think she will EVER find love.

Act II:
‘P Diani’ finds love (in all the wrong places (Salisbury?))

Act III:
Finds herself a middle-aged Princess with two kids and no life.

Act IV:
Bit of dancing. Maybe. Fix this later.

Act V:
Divorce (the lighter side of…).

Act VI:
Princess Diana takes advice from the 50-year-old divorcee guy.

Act VII:
Casual sex. Princess Diana is pretty much dead. Heaven scene.


Some of the hit songs:
“Divorce Sort of Sounds Like Horse”
“But I Can’t Be A Princess”
“Holy Crap I’m A Princess”
“Everyone’s Princess (But My Own)”
“Rock n Roll Hallelujah”

Cast:
Ricky Gervais (Me)
Colin Furth (Colin Furth)
Tina Arena (Princess Diana)
The Olsen Twins (Princes William and Harry)
Dame Edna (Queen)
Queen (The Queen)

Tickets:
Ticketek.com.au
Broadwaytix.com
From $80 + BF
On Sale: May 30th

HURRY!! STRICTLY LIMITED CAPACITY!!

The Road to Raw

Getting insecure about my abilities already.

Is this really for me?

May pull out.

Where’s The Beef?

Who can forget that time that Oprah slagged off all the beef producers in Texas?

I KNOW I SURE AS FUCK CANNOT

Looking God, But

In the last few days, a few people have complimented me on looking stylish in my work clothes.

Good. Right? BUT!

What if they’re saying it as a joke? Like when someone gets a really awful haircut that can’t be fixed and they all say “hey, good haircut/ looking stylish in your work clothes”.

Am I a joke to them?

How am I to truly know?

Holy Water

Does it count as getting baptised if a priest ejaculates on your face? Or do you need to go higher up in the order?

Fancy a Sip?

Drinking a lot is only a problem when the people you are with drink less than you.

Which is the exact opposite when it comes to poison.

I’ve Got Google Fever

Symptoms:

• 50-70 hits every day from people searching Google for variations of “Todd and Brant interview”
• Red welts on the crotch (aka crotchal welting).

Scared Straight

When I was a troubled teenager my parents took me to a police station to scare me straight.

But it was a police station on Oxford Street, so I got confused as to what their true intentions were and it didn’t really work.

Kung Fu All-Stars

In an angry world there are four guys
You couldn’t fight them even if you tried
They care because they love you
That is why they’ll teach you kung fu

KUNG FU ALL STARS
They’re taking on the world
KUNG FU ALL STARS
Teaching kung fu to every boy and girl

Lay-deeeez

There's a hotbabe who comes to my blog who wants to get banged by me...

...she just doesn't know it yet

The Path to Raw

So the countdown to Raw Comedy 2007 has begun (via a counter on the right hand side of the blog).

So I have about 200 days to become a comedy superstar. I reckon I can do it.

Current action plan:

1. Procrastinate for 199 days.
2. Insert montage involving me training to be a comedy superstar. 1980's pop rock soundtrack.

FACTSHEET: What’s Falling in Love?

Well a few people have come to my blog after searching Google to find out what falling in love feels like. It’s a sad inditement on the world when kids are turning to search engines for advice on matters of the heart. But rest assured, I’ve taken it upon myself to develop a comprehensive fact sheet on falling in love that is packed full of facts, fun and bubble wrap. I hope it helps just one person (LOL, low expectations). Check it:

Signs You Are Falling In Love
The first step to falling in love is the feeling that you are falling in love, otherwise known as “love symptoms”. These “love symptoms” may take the form of any or all of the following:

• Tremendous euphoria (and not just while copping a blow job/getting eaten out)
• Tightness of the chest (look out though, could be a heart attack)
• Dreams where you are falling to your death
• The inexplicable feeling of impending doom
• Aching loins (careful: could be prostate acting up)

Am I In Love?
You’ve read through the previous section and you’re fairly certain that you’ve experienced all of those sensations. The next obvious question to ask is if you are really, totally, completely, in love. If you are hopelessly in love then you may find some of the following situations familiar:

• All of your thoughts are consumed by two questions at all times: “I want to be with this person forever. Should I ask them to marry me or drop some hints?” and “Is there any way I can get out of this situation without fucking the other person up too bad?”
• Whereas once you could spontaneously go out with your mates and outings with your partner would be arranged a few days in advance, now you never go anywhere with your partner and outings with mates need to be planned weeks in advance (even then they will be no guarantee and must be cancelled at the other partner’s whim).
• Stopped “giving compliments”. Began “constantly reassuring about looks/life/job/money/dress sense/abilities/state of the economy”.

So You’ve Fallen In Love: Questions You Should Ask Yourself
So you’re fairly confident that you’re in love and you’re wondering what the next step is. Thankfully, being in love is not the be all and end all that it once was. Try asking yourself the following questions to see where you can go from here:

• Is love for me? (am I “too cool for school”?)
• Am I a one man/woman person?
• Do I want to wake up next to this person every single day for the rest of my life?
• Have I checked to see if this person is my cousin/ if I left the oven on?
• Would I prefer to be go kite surfing instead of to our wedding?
• Could I do better?
• Are they REALLY my favourite Jackson brother?
• Do I find the crappy, intermittent sex “cute”?

So there you have it. The complete factsheet on falling in love and being in love. I hope it helps!

Nuff said.