Firstdate From Hell

Normally I don’t like to drop names, especially when it is in a less than negative light. But I feel that this can’t go unmentioned.

A few years ago I went on a date with this dude named Ghandi. It was during my brief flirtation with homosexuality, so don’t get all confused (does he mean girl?). Anyway, things with Ghandi weren’t going well from the beginning. When I asked him where he wanted to go for dinner he wouldn’t decide. “I dunno. You choose.” Even after I gave him four options and asked him to state a preference he declined.

I decided to take him to a delicious Portugese place I know where they serve you huge bits of meat on skewers. They even bring the meat right up to your plate on the skewer at cut it for you. It’s great fun. It also lets me make many jokes about meat/penii so my dates can see my funny side. Also my sensitive side, because I can say, “but seriously, I don’t even want to know how many rainforests had to die for this meat to get to our table tonight. It’s awful.”

Anyway, we get to the place and he goes all quiet. I managed to get it out of him that he doesn’t like eating meat. Why the fuck didn’t he tell me? From there it was downhill. I told him just to order a fucking salad.

Sample of how bad the night was (don’t worry, I won’t get sued for sample clearance):
Him: “Why do you keep looking at your watch?”
Me: “I like to be punctual. So?”
Him: “Oh. Well this salad is nice…”
Me: “Yea…”
Him: “This place is nice too...”
Me: “Yea…”
Him: “Enjoying your meat (*cough*murderer*cough*)?”
Me: “Yea…”

I took him home as soon as I was done. I didn’t bother having dessert (most important meal of the day) and didn’t bother arguing that we should split the bill. Out the front of his place/mountain he was pretty keen and was giving me all the right signals that he wanted me to fuck his arse raw while his teeth got a bit of pillow time. But I couldn’t be fucked. I just wanted out.

He tried to get in touch for a few weeks after that. I basically just ignored him. When he showed up at my job I told everyone else that it was some insane old dude I bought soup for who thinks we shared a moment.

After a while he sent me this in the mail:



Eventually he stopped coming. I heard he killed himself. I dunno. Don’t really care.

An Open Letter (Once Sealed, Released)

Dear The Producers Of ‘Thumbsucker’,

You give hope to all of us uggers out there that one day we might be able to land a drug-fucked, dark-haired hottie who will use us for sex JUST BY BEING OURSELVES.

Thanks,
Jobe.

Another Open Letter (Once Sealed, Released)

Dear Drug-Fucked, Dark-Haired Hotties Wanted To Use A Guy For Sex,

I’m ready to be myself now.

So…. Yea… Email me.

Thanks,
Jobe

In The Black and White Town

I’ve been wondering whether things would be better or worse if I was completely black and white and devoid of all colour.

I mean, would I be more or less employable? Would girls like me?

Would you hang out with someone that looked like this:

The Road To Raw

I noticed that a lot of the more successful Raw Comedy Comedians (TM) tell long stories about their life.

I don't think that is particularly funny to me. I'm thinking that a more random, disjointed, Hedberg and Demetri Martin-esque style would be more effective/funny/winful.

What say you?

Depression 101

So I've been a bit down lately. But I don't think I'm miserable because I really don't love having company. I just want to be by myself, mostly.

The Road To Raw

The first rule of war is to wear a great uniform to instil confidence in your troops.

The second rule of war is to know your enemy. I have spent the past few days concentrating on this via the Raw Comedy podcasts on the Triple J page:
http://triplej.abc.net.au/listen/podcast.htm#raw

After reviewing the highlights from various heats and state finals, do I have the goods to be competitive?

The answer, undoubtedly, is a pretty confident ‘uh huh’.

Check them out for your self. Then imagine my blog being read aloud to you. Which is funnier?

I think I might host a victory party in Melbourne when I win. All my blog friends will be invited.

Just Around The Corner

So I really like to get my Christmas shopping done early—boxing day sales early. I basically just buy gifts for whoever is in my life at that moment that I think is deserving of a gift.

Normally it’s really good and saves a lot of hassle shopping during the Christmas rush. But it can be annoying having to explain to your friend that the reason you didn’t get him a present was because you were pissed at him for a week in January because he made a move on that chick you’ve totally liked for ages, even though they soon broke up and you picked up the pieces to finally be with her.

But it does have its positives too. While the death of someone that is important to you is a horribly tragic event, being able to keep their gift for yourself does help alleviate grief.

For that reason, when I’m looking for gifts for people I don’t think will last the year, I tend to buy things that I may enjoy more than they will.

Handy

What’s with octupii? Fucken outrageous! How many legs do you need?

{{OMG Truth Serum}}

If I ran over a dog* I don’t think I would stop.

Yes, your dog*.

{{OMG Truth Serum}}

*child too

King, Gee

If I was a king I would sign every letter/email:

King Regards,
The King (not Elvis)

What Would Jobe Do?

Dear Jobe,

I have made a tremendous error of judgement by sleeping with a young woman named Vee. It is highly regretful, as I have been married for over thirty years, but nonetheless it has happened. I hate the tomato. What am I to do?

Kind regards,
Howard



Hey Howie B,

Only one option: become a total sex bomb, so when the wifey finds out you will have lived it all and you will no longer require your dick.

You should probably learn some tips of giving ill head and think of some new positions to try, otherwise these young girls will leave you behind and you won’t be leaving anything in their behind, if you follow.

Have you thought of pilates? Not relevant, but I make $20 for each person I refer. Anyway, consider it.

The Water Is Great In The (Birthing) Pool

So I got some great news while I was at work yesterday: my girlfriend has given birth to a totally rad child. I mean, it wasn’t mine. She got pregnant to the drummer of an emo band we saw together a while ago. But I’m still here, sticking by her, because I’m the nice guy. And I love her?

They asked me if I wanted to eat the placenta of the child. I had a little taste (I’m adventurous with food) but it was a bit gross so I said I was full (of joy) and couldn’t possibly eat more.

So we decided to name the kid Shiloh, which is Namibian for “Superrad BMX Rockstar” and sort of sounds like ‘Silo’, which is good because I like to eat grain which is fresh from silos.

I’m pretty sure the kid is going to be good. I’m going to keep him away from listening to emo and shoddy salesmen, but also shower him with a lot of love, creativity and acid (if he misbehaves/likes it and does all of his chores).

Argh! My girlfriend totally makes me drink Midori and Malibu with Pineapple.

Gli Animale Suon Contento

Do you like animals?

Because you look like you do.

Unnecessary Grammar of the Day

Socceroo's ?????

Top 10, Top 10, TOP 10!!!

My favourite track on this album would have to be Monaco.

It is tight and it’s hard to go past it.

Four Things You Might Find in a Cup

• Breast
• Beverage
• Male package
• Jelly

She Give Me Money, When I’m In Need

Every time I feel my eyes watering I worry a little bit that I have the Ray Charles disease and it would be one explanation for my musical ability that has come from nowhere.

Guest Poster: The Cast of Lost and Prison Break

Well a big collective hi to you all!

*cold stare from Wentworth Miller*

We thought we’d take a moment out from our hectic filming schedules to thank you all for making our shows so successful. We really are grateful.

Wentworth Miller: I can’t find a way to thank you enough. Wait. Let me consult my tattoos. Okay. Now I know, but you can’t know yet.

Look, we’ll reward your constant viewing with some honesty. We know our shows should have ended after one season. We know this. But do you have any idea how much we get paid?

*cold stare from Wentworth Miller*

Wentworth Miller: I get hell bitches.

So please keep watching us. We’d watch you if we could. Oh God, that came out creepy. We are SO SO sorry.

You Fucking Stalker

This evening someone stumbled upon THIS VERY BLOG by searching Google for “arty clothes”.

They then spent close to an hour looking through the site, racking up almost 50 page views.

Holy crap…

Update: OMG IT GETZ WORSE

I just refreshed and they’re STILL LOOKING AT SHIT!

If it’s the government “preparing a case” then I’m pretty guilty before proven innocent.


Edit: Stalkers come hurrr

What Can I Say?

Argh! I just love giving chicks babies. Like, random babies that aren’t theirs.

The looks of happiness on their faces is just totally worth it. I just wanna fuck their grin right off their face so much it drives me mad.

Detective Killjoy

It would really suck to have a detective that has “seen it all” as a friend. You’d be joking around, making a joke about murder or rape or paedophilia and he’d just get all pissy and shit.

“Yeah you fucking joke about it now, don’t you. But you wouldn’t joke if you’d been murdered and left for dead. Yeah I know that last sentence doesn’t make sense. But it makes sense to me, because I’ve seen it all and you’re just an arsehole. So fucking har har laugh it up funny boy. Feel big? Try telling it to the victims. The VICTIMS man. Well I’ve got news for you. You can’t tell the victims because they’re either dead, completely fucked up for life, or their identities are kept a secret so you would never track them down.”

It’d be even worse if he’s seen it all, except for Paris.

“I tell you, Jobe. In my 20 years as a detective I’ve seen it all. Except for Paris. I really want to see that. Paris looks fucking great. Total opposite of a murder scene. Which is horrible. Just horrible ”

Getting Pregnant

There are a lot of misconceptions about conception floating around in the world. I find this quite worrying because I’m a pessimist, but also because ignorance is dangerous when it comes to having sex and possibly creating creature childs.

Before I get into this, the following post will contain many adult themes and parental guidance is recommended. So grab your parents, gather round, and feel awkward as fuck… TOGETHER.



The Conceiving FAQ

So I’m not an expert on the matter but I’ll try and answer the questions that have been posed to me in my time.

Q: Can I get pregnant from anal sex?

A: That’s a big N-O, Charlie.

Q: Can you get pregnant from “petting”?

A: I can’t get pregnant. I’m a man. Silly.

Q: If I stuff something in my vadge that has sperm on it. Can I get pregnant.

A: Dunno. Probably. Why risk it?

Q: If my partner goes down on me and I come on his face, then he kisses me, and I think I sort of swallow a little of my own ejaculate, will I get pregnant?

A: With what? A half human? Really… what sort of question is this?

Q: If I do want to have a child, how can I ensure the sex of the baby is male?

A: Just take a leaf out of China’s book. Drown the baby girl. Don't welcome shame into your household.

Q: If I fart a bit too hard and some poo comes out, does that mean I’m pregnant?

A: Only if by “poo” you mean “unborn foetus” and by “pregnant” you mean “not pregnant anymore”.

Q: Will keeping my mobile phone in my pocket when I am pregnant affect my baby?

A: Yes. Your baby will come out looking like the Crazy Frog.


I feel like a bit of a relationship guru.

Australia’s Favourite Son

I was feeling pretty down today as I huffed around watching my Family Guy DVDs, trying not to dwell on the utter depression attempting to consume me, when the phone unexpectedly rang.

It was My Prime Minister, John Howard, letting me know that I’ve finally become Australia’s #1 Son. I was fucking stoked. I was so excited that I accidentally swore down the phone at J-Ho. Pretty inappropriate, I think you’ll all agree.

So I’ve been trying to become Australia’s favourite son for a while now. It had been a steady rise to the top but recently I had plateaud a little at #2 Son for a while, due to John Wood’s tireless charity work and a small lawsuit about child porn that I had to deal with.

But after John Wood went insane and bludgeoned his mother to death, I’ve lept up the ratings to Australia’s #1 Son!

Now the hard work begins trying to keep this position.

I’m Your Jobe

OMGZ A CONTEZT

“I’m Your Jobe” gives you a chance to win ME for a day.

Holy shit!

That’s right, you could win me for an entire day. I’ll come over and do shit for you and you’ll lose your voice saying “holy shit, Jobe is in my house! Sign my wall please.”

YOU COULDN’T ASK FOR MORE (without being called ‘greedy’)

Stay tuned for details/wet your fucking pants

Search Update

Well the search for the lost a new place for Jobe to live has come to an end. But it wasn’t the happy ending we were all hoping for.

My trusty sidekick, Captain Ballsack, was killed in action and is now unable to move with me/live.

I may resume the search again in the future, when a new sidekick can be found.