Firstdate From Hell
A few years ago I went on a date with this dude named Ghandi. It was during my brief flirtation with homosexuality, so don’t get all confused (does he mean girl?). Anyway, things with Ghandi weren’t going well from the beginning. When I asked him where he wanted to go for dinner he wouldn’t decide. “I dunno. You choose.” Even after I gave him four options and asked him to state a preference he declined.
I decided to take him to a delicious Portugese place I know where they serve you huge bits of meat on skewers. They even bring the meat right up to your plate on the skewer at cut it for you. It’s great fun. It also lets me make many jokes about meat/penii so my dates can see my funny side. Also my sensitive side, because I can say, “but seriously, I don’t even want to know how many rainforests had to die for this meat to get to our table tonight. It’s awful.”
Anyway, we get to the place and he goes all quiet. I managed to get it out of him that he doesn’t like eating meat. Why the fuck didn’t he tell me? From there it was downhill. I told him just to order a fucking salad.
Sample of how bad the night was (don’t worry, I won’t get sued for sample clearance):
Him: “Why do you keep looking at your watch?”
Me: “I like to be punctual. So?”
Him: “Oh. Well this salad is nice…”
Him: “This place is nice too...”
Him: “Enjoying your meat (*cough*murderer*cough*)?”
I took him home as soon as I was done. I didn’t bother having dessert (most important meal of the day) and didn’t bother arguing that we should split the bill. Out the front of his place/mountain he was pretty keen and was giving me all the right signals that he wanted me to fuck his arse raw while his teeth got a bit of pillow time. But I couldn’t be fucked. I just wanted out.
He tried to get in touch for a few weeks after that. I basically just ignored him. When he showed up at my job I told everyone else that it was some insane old dude I bought soup for who thinks we shared a moment.
After a while he sent me this in the mail:
Eventually he stopped coming. I heard he killed himself. I dunno. Don’t really care.