Night Light, Suckers!

So lately I've taken to sleeping with a night light. It's pretty cool, like there is a glow (of comfort) around my room.

It's in the shape of a duck, which is nice. I really like ducks. I find them funny.

Four Eyes

It would be cool to be a Siamese twin if your twin was of the opposite sex and extremely hot.

Good luck trying to escape.

Stubbly IV

Last night I dreamed that I had sex with Sylvester Stallone’s daughter at a celebrity party (or at least someone pretending to BE Sylvester Stallone’s daughter).

She had never been eaten out.

She had a stubbly vagina, which made me think that she was lying. Why would you shave your vagina if you don’t want male attention?

I think some of this is my subconscious processing Steph’s post last night.

Defari and Reason: Brothers in Arms/Rap/Life

Not many people know how much Cali rapper Defari and Melbourne’s own Reason have in common. Most people know that they’re both teachers, but did you know the similarities go much deeper?

• Both rappers have an E and an A in their rap names. FACT
• Both rap names have 6 letters in them.
• And if that wasn’t enough, Reason’s real name is Jason. Defari’s? You guessed it: Duane.

BIG MATCH TONIGHT

Quick Post

This is just a quick post to let you know that the below post is lame, even by my low, low standards.

Top Four Shades of Black On My Album Cover

1. Bluey-Black
2. Pitch Black
3. Pot Black
4. Jack Black

Frequently Asked Quesiton

Whoa! My first FAQ that was submitted via SMS (via a hussy):

“Why is there no spacebar on the number section on the LHS of your standard keyboard? Love and gushings, Ilse.”

Well, firstly I think you are wrong because you are obviously talking about the RHS of the standard keyboard, as there is already a space bar on the LHS. Unless you haven't found it and this answer to your question is misguided...

Secondly, there is no space bar there because it is not necessary. How much space bar do you need? Space bars take up a lot of space. If there was a space bar on the RHS number pad, the standard keyboard would have to be, like, treble the size of the current standard keyboard. The cost of this would put keyboards out of reach of most of the world’s poorer nations.

Do you want that on your conscience?


If anyone else has some SMS FAQs then, yea, send em through. If you don’t have my mobile number then… guess. I guess.

Attn: Girl on the Train

Hi,

First off I should admit that much of this is motivated because of the fact that you are hot. Well, not hot hot. But you know. You dress really well (isn’t wool totally awesome right now?), but you’re hot in a kinda wrecked way. I think that if you were dressed in lesser clothes you wouldn’t be that hot. But I suppose I can only take you on face value. You had the clothes. So… yea…

What was with your boyfriend? He looked like a bogan mutton dressed as trashy lamb. Do you go out with him because you can be confident that he won’t do better? He was all over you. Who displays that much affection on the train? It’s hardly a romantic setting. Were you comfortable with that? You didn’t appear to be.

Why did you take the newspaper that was next to me when I left? You could have asked me for it earlier. Did you just eye it off for the whole journey? Yeeeea it was sort of near my crotch. Weren’t you worried about the boy finding out?

Anyway, hit me up.

PS You’re getting fucked tonight.

Spending Spree

The only way I'd spend a lot of money on my girlfriend is if there was a product called 'My Girlfriend' that was basically an Xbox 360 with tits and spoilers.

Talk of the Town

When a chick is about to give me oral, I get all freak-nasty and yell “yeah! Go downtown to Smallville! Say 'hi' to Superman if you see him down there!”

Little does she know that my pubic hair is shaved like Superman's S.

I love using television shows to spice up normal situations.
Going home -> Going to ‘House’
Going to the office -> Going to ‘The Office’
Meeting a family with the surname ‘Simpson’ -> Meeting ‘The Simpsons’
Going to a family function -> Being a ‘Family Guy’

I Knew It!

People are always saying to me, “Jobe, ‘Bette Davis Eyes’ was originally sung by Kim Carnes, what are you talking about?”

WRONG!

Try Jackie De Shannon, bitches.

Race Relations

So I had intercourse with a coloured girl the other night. It was… different…

Rate Relations

I am a big fan of the 7 star rating system. That’s why I don’t hesitate in giving my prolapsed anus 5 stars out of 7.

Jaded Blogger Number 10,080

Guys, blogging in 1988 was so much better. I mean, 1994 was really good, but it hasn’t been the same since back then.

Excerpt:

What’s This On My Black and Green Screen?

Hi guys! Rad!

So I saw Weird Science at the theatre on the weekend with Tracy. She’s really cool and swell. I want to go steady with her.

I think turtlenecks are going to be massive in twenty years time. I’m buying large to avoid the rush.

PS I’d post pics but Blogger is totally acting up, dude.

I really miss those days. Blogging in the oh-six is heartless and the big bloggers are only in it for the money. What happened to just doing it for the streets/reaffirming attention from total strangers?

Okay

Okay, you’ve had your break. Let’s get back to it.

Okay

Okay, let’s take a break for lunch. Be back here in an hour and we’ll get back into it.

The Fuck?

According to the good folks at OzTAM, the same amount of people watched the Australia vs Japan World Cup match as Border Security.

Border Security?

For fucks sake.

In Other News

Hey, guess what?

If you watch Border Security I hate you!

Action Plan ™

Bad news, guys!

Visits to the site is down.

Let’s spend today thinking of ways we can bring more people to the site. Suggestions so far:

• Jobe can be funnier and post more
• Target a niche market (eg midget sex)
• Family day
• More activities
  

Add your suggestions in the comments field.

The {{STIGMATA}}

So my briefcase for work broke last week. Disaster stations! But it was okay, I have another bag on this planet (clue: Earth) that I can use, so this week I took all my belongings in that.

But I start getting stares all over the place. I’m a self conscious dude so this worried me.

I think they were just jealous of my bag. It’s a great canvas bag with a big dollar symbol on it. A great accessory in this world of bling.

Just Tah Let Ya Know

“Sorry, I can’t go. I have to study.”

This is what you sound like.

Random Thoughts… While Watching Brazil Beat Australia 2-0

• Maybe if I go back to sleep, but wake up straight away I can somehow pause time and avoid being tired for work tomorrow.
• Oh. Crap. It’s work today.
• Oh. Crap. It’s work in like 4 hours.
• Wow. We haven’t done anything wrong. Maybe we can win this?
• Okay, the kickoff. Woo! Let’s play footbawwwwwwl.
• My room is scary when it’s dark.
• That was a soft call.
• That was a soft call.
• That was a soft call.
• That was a soft call.
• Oh, I get it. LOL.
• So warm.
• 0-0 at half time. That’s good work from Australia.
• Ronaldo looks like a dugong from the back.
• Oh no! Rale Rasic is back! Shit!
• What did he say?
• What did he say?
• Huh?
• What did he say?
• PLEASE INTERUPT HIM NOW!
• Drowsy.
• Oh. They scored.
• Drowsy.
• WTF H. Kewell?
• What could I possibly do to get out of work without sounding like I was just tired after watching the football?
• Maybe I could break my own leg.
• Oh. They scored again.
• I missed L.
• Drowsy.
• Fuck it, may as well go to bed.
• If there is a 3 goal come back I’ll be pissed.
• If a bear breaks into my room while I sleep I’ll be more pissed/dead.
  

That's so baroque!

ATTN: Dream Hotbabe

What was that?

I was just, like, sitting next to you, chilling out after watching the game, when we start developing a bond and before we know it we’re cuddling right then and there?

And then you get the blanket and put it over our heads and whisper secrets to me. Where did you get the blanket from? It was so big and warm. You we’re really my type. Why did I imagine you? I wouldn’t even go so far as to say that I was sexually attracted to you. I mean, yea, sure, we kissed, but I think I was more caught up in the moment.

I just think you are a little desperate to come on to me at a place like that. Yea, I said it was nice and I told you I was having a great time but, looking back, maybe it had more to do with the blanket being so warm and the euphoria of winning that we were in.

You might have cured my current hatred for women, but you didn’t want to see me any more did you? You’re just one of those girls who likes to have a bit of fun, aren’t you? You’d have to be. No girl with self-respect would move that fast. But how are we going to act if we meet again? Do we have to continue on from where we left off? Will we just be friends? Can I just say ‘hi’ and move on?

You’re not hurt are you? Naaaah.

We Beat Brazil!

Can you believe that we beat Brazil last night? Fucking brilliant!

For those that didn’t see it, I was part of a team in the annual Mathlympics that is underway in Germany AS WE SPEAK!

I don’t really know why I was worried. Brazil has one of the lowest numeracy rates in the world, so it was always going to be pretty damn easy. I guess I just like winning.

Shower Time

You know how when you have a couple of bars of soap that are just about done and you press them together into one bar of soap?

I invented that.

I don’t have a name for it yet. But when I do I will let you all know in a personal letter.

The Road to Raw

There are a few different ways that winning coaches achieve success in sport and in life. Some coaches think of tactics, some prefer a more motivational route. But a lot of coaches also enjoy success by scrutinising the statistics. In order to win Raw Comedy 2007 I thought I should give this method a try.

I started by looking at my own material first.

It takes approximately 22 seconds, on average, to read one of my posts. As the limit for a set at Raw Comedy 2007 is 5 minutes (300 seconds), I will have to select approximately 13 posts to read. However, this does not take into account pauses for audience laughter, which will be plentiful.

As I currently have over 1450 posts, this means that I will have to select 1 post in every 112 I have posted. As Raw Comedy 2007 is 6 months away, there will probably be another 750 or so posts on this blog. This means that I will have to select 1 post for every 170 posts I have made.

Then I moved on to the competition.

I listened to the recordings of 6 comedians from the 2006 state finals. During their 5 minute sets, these comedians averaged an attempted joke every 19 seconds, meaning they had about 15 during their set. Incidentally, the men, on averaged, managed to crack more jokes in the 5 minutes. Which just goes to prove that female comedians are shit.

I also tried listening to recordings of Mitch Hedberg and Demetri Martin that I had. These boys managed a little better, on average, dropping a joke every 14 seconds, totally 22 for the 5 minutes. The jokes were of a higher quality too. They also managed to make their jokes better by using pauses to their advantage. The Raw comedians rarely used pauses well.

So what does this mean for me (the game plan)?:

• Need a joke approx every 15 seconds, on average.
• 10-15 posts will be selected from the back catalogue.
• Master the pause.
• Don’t worry about female comedians: not a threat.