Troubling Times

Guys…

*sigh*

I’m having a lot of trouble deciding whether I should go with ‘dreamed’ or ‘dreamt’.

It’s really affecting my life.

I think…. I think I knew the correct word *once* but now it’s long gone.

Oh man this is bad.

UPDATE: Musings on Pop Music

The Christina Aguilera song mentioned eariler turned out to be produced by none other than DJ Premier.

It's now more than acceptable to have listened to this song over and over all day since getting it.

Beshirted With Me?

Then get me on a shirt!!!!

Hot pink for all the girls and metros.




This summer's winter's hottest torso covering device!

Meta 4

When I get drunk I piss like a horse.

In the middle of a field!

Totally GFAM

So I was hanging out in the car park last night with my teenage friends, when one of them totally drops a bomb on me (not literally, LOL). He tells me that during the day he went totally GFAM.

GFAM? I ask.

Yea, Gay For a Moment.

It’s where you think or do something gay, only to realise that it really isn’t that gay at all. You were just Gay For a Moment (GFAM). Like fucking someone you think is a member of the same sex, only to find out they're a member of the opposite sex (holy shit, Jobe. That happens SO VERY OFTEN and is a good example I can relate to).

It’s exciting terminology! I encourage you all to use it in your day-to-day activities.

A Quick Message To Everyone Who Came By To Visit Today

Hi,

Thanks for coming afasffearound!

{{Random Letter Invasion}}

First Round Draft Pick

I think they could bring back conscription if they made getting picked for the war more fun, like a reality TV show where the best contestants go through first.

It'd be hell emotional when your favourites died in battle. But they would play a touching montage of them during the show.

Musings on Pop Music

• That new clip with Nelly Furtado is pretty hot. She looks fucking flaming in it. I wouldn’t mind having a poke of that Portuguese poon. I’d even consider breaking my MFZ™ (musician free zone) for that. Or is she Canadian? That isn’t as hot.
• Wow, that new Christina Aguilera song is pretty cool and jazzy. The clip is pretty cool too. I would be able to see that perhaps one more time.
• I can’t believe I’m downloading a Christina Aguilera song.
• Seether are back? Oh… that’s…. good for them…
• So Fresh’s vox pops are the most irritating thing on TV. Who has the best rhymes? 50 Cent? No. Eminem? No. Busta Rhymes? No. Nelly? No. Usher? No. Old mother hubbard? No. RADIOHEAD? N... WTF YOU CRAZY BITCH?!

Rookie Card

Dope Snack!

So today I made this great tofu curry.

It’s packed with meat to confuse people.

It’s as much a spectacle as it is a snack/meal.

Meeting Steph

Last night I dreamed that I met Steph.

TRUE STORY!

I’ve had a booking at Sydney’s hottest sushi joint, Sushi-E, for a few days now and tonight was the big night.

In my dream I had finished having dinner and retired to Establishment, which is downstairs from the restaurant. For some reason I thought that Steph would be here with her friends. I would descend the staircase and hear a girl say, “well it’s time for you to break that MFZ, Miss [insert Steph's last name]”.

I would go to the girl she was speaking to and say, “Steph?”

And she would be all surprised.

I would act like a cunt and be all “I’ll tell you who I am if you stay and have a drink.”

And she’d stay and I’d buy her a vodka and lime and my friend would chat to her friends, wondering how we knew each other, and we would sit off to the side, chatting.

She’d threaten to leave a few times, but I’d keep her there with little hints about who I am.

“Don’t you want to know who I am before you go? You’ll never find out if you run…”

And I wouldn’t tell her. Instead I’d take a picture of her holding up her hand with my mobile and I’d post it on my blog with the eyes blacked out.

And then she’d know.

Verb

Injured

Placed in a jury.

Quick Post

Howdy gang!

Sorry about not posting last night. I was totally swamped under with cases I had to finish. Cases of sweet, sweet chocolate bars.

All is well now.

To The Few, The Innovative

I hate it when homeless people or junkies try to wash your windscreen when you’re waiting at the lights. But the other day it got so much worse. I come up to the lights and see this scruffy looking dude (not a metrosexual) waiting near the lights with a bucket. Here we fucking go, I thought.

He starts walking towards me and I try to wave him away. I shake my head quite thoroughly. But he keeps coming towards the car and… then he renovates my bathroom.

He finishes renovating my bathroom and comes up to the window for some money. I tell him that I said no so I won’t pay him. He says that’s fine. He just renovates the bathrooms and if he gets paid then that’s a bonus.

I get confused and start crying. He comforts me.

Attn: Girls

I go through phases where I only date certain people (no racist). Sometimes I’ll only date brunettes, then only chicks with tattoos, then only chicks with sensible shoes (because they might have hidden lesbian tendencies they are willing to explore with my help and inspiration). But right now I’m only dating girls (sorry guys) whose name rhymes with ‘Grabby’.

Losing The Nude Women's World Cup On a Dodgy Penalty

You Can’t Help By Feel Hard (Done By)

Excerpts from the Diary: Bachelor Girl

May 12, 1995

Today I walked under a bus and got hit by a train, metaphorically.

It felt so good I may do it again.



November 24, 1995

I wrote a song based on what happens in my life. It is racing up the charts.



April 8, 1997

Oh the difficult second album. Still, I’m confident.




June 27, 2006

Reminisced again today.

Maybe I could write a song about reminiscing? Yea! I’ll try that!

Wet Dream

Last night I had a wet dream.

I was at my favourite theme park, Wet n Wild, swimming, when all of a sudden this really hot chick comes over, sweaty from the heat. She pushed me under the water, pulled me out of the wave pool, pissed on me, spat on me, threw a bucket of water on me, and then I totally came.

iRemember

Anyone remember those days when I would put thought and effort into my posts?

Nah, me neither.

{{OMG Truth Serum}}

Last night I burnt my hands on some soup BECAUSE I WANT ATTENTION.

OMG Truth Serum

Australia = Fucknazis

Latest ratings figures are in. Approx 100,000 more people watched Border Patrol than Australia’s make-or-break final group match against Croatia.

WHAT THE FUCK?

It's like I don't even know who you are anymore.

FYI

I ain’t no hollaback girl.

Chasing Trouble

I saw an article in the paper yesterday which said that The Chaser’s Chas has gotten in trouble for making a joke about Sophie Delizio with the perennial victim’s father.

Can I be serious for a minute here and say LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP, dude.

If we don’t have humour then what do we have? (clue: not humour)

Nipped In The But(ler)

I think if my butler got really sick and would die if he (oooo sexist) didn’t receive a life-saving (but expensive) operation, I would think long and hard about paying for his surgery.

After all, butlers are easier to come by than lots of money.

Pissed Off

Pissing feels really good when you really have to go. Everyone knows that. Sometimes at home I’ll hold it in for as long as possible to replicate that feeling.

Frequently Asked Question

“What’s a Imago?”

I. Don’t. Know.

Frequently Asked Question

“Why we thugs?”

I. Don’t. Know.

Thankyou, From The Bottom of My Heart

So this weekend an incredible woman taught me how to love again. I’m eternally grateful to her.

She did it by:

• Sticking to the time limit.
• Knowing the needs of the audience (me).
• Using appropriate body language.
• Eye contact!
• Using good visual aids.
• Effectively using PowerPoint (concise slides).
• Having handouts that can be referred to at a later date.
• Finishing strongly.

Eye Re: Member

Anyone remember that movie where Christian Slater gave a really great performance?

Nah, me neither.

Car Park It Like It’s Hooooot

For years I have hated punk kids with a passion. I just thought they were plain no good. But recently I made friends with a teenage girl and I’ve been spending a bit of time with her. She’s really great and all, but the cool thing is what happened last night. She took me to meet her friends at their favourite hangout: the carpark being the local Woolworths.

And my GOD how good it was. We just chilled for hours, drinking and telling jokes and ollying on our skateboards and holding hands. It was such a laid back life. As an adult I’m used to deadlines and stress and shit like that.

I was so wrong. Young kids are GREAT. I’ll always love them for showing me how totally awesome car parks are. Next weekend I’m going to take some of my stressed friends, like Steph, down to chill out a bit.

Honey I Shrunk The Jobe

So I went to see a psychiatrist today on the recommendation of a few dozen people. I have to say, it was a pretty enlightening session. We discovered the following things about me:

• I’m still grieving the loss of my daughter, but not my two sons.
• I feel guilty about the loss of my daughter, because I wasn’t at the scene of the murder to defend her. My alibi was so airtight so you cannot say I was there.
• The fact that I’m unable to find a hotbabe to love isn’t due to the fact that I fear commitment. I’m just bad with chicks.
• I look for excuses.
• My hands are soft.
• If something is good enough for Phil Collins then it is good enough for me.
• The lump on my crotch cannot be examined by a psychiatrist.
• I find leather erotic.
• I find pleather not erotic.
• I’m still suffering some effects from imbibing so much truth serum.
• I self-sabotage.
• I self-make-scrambled-eggs.

I look forward to seeing her again and making more progress.