The Post Where I Insult Your Intelligence By Repeatedly Linking To Wikipedia

I really don’t like it when people constantly link to Wikipedia in their blogs. I mean… sometimes they link to really obvious things and I feel stupid because I feel in the company of other people who NEED to click on those links.

It’s insulting to my intelligence.

It Started Out Innocently Enough

During high school I was having a few troubles with the ladies (hard to believe), so I got a slutty, but convincing, female friend of mine to tell other girls that I gave amazing head. So good that I almost killed a girl at a sex party she saw me at because the head was so good the girl dehydrated pretty badly.

But not long after she got really fucked up on ice or some shit and started forgetting what was true and what wasn’t. The bitch thought the false rumour was actually true and she got all freaked out, thinking she was friends with this guy who almost murdered a chick. And her being slut, of course she was at risk if we ever did it. Eventually she went to the cops and told them the whole story.

They started a full investigation because this other chick at school died around the same time due to suspicious circumstances. They did an autopsy and found the chick died from meningococcal, so I was off the hook. But, gee, what an inconvenience.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Honest2Goodness

So I hadn’t heard from my good buddies, Honest2Goodness, for quite a while. I don’t think they’ve made a track for like 20 years and I haven’t seen them in mags or on TV, apart from episodes of Rage where they show really old clips. I decided to go in search of my old pals to see what they’re up to. Here’s what I found:

Chad:
Overdosed in 1995 after a lengthy battle with alcoholism. Found dead on Christmas day by his 3 year-old daughter in the bathroom of their Bronx flat, still clutching the bottle of brandy they had left out for Santa.

Tad:
After the group broke up Tad managed to keep his music career alive. Despite the flop of his 1999 solo debut, ‘Honest2Tadness’, Tad managed to carved out a success career as a producer. He has worked behind the scenes on records for the likes of Whitney Houston, ODB, Tim Buckley, Kurt Cobain and Jerry Garcia. Also a strong anti-alcoholism campaigner after seeing it claim the life of Tad, his best friend in the band.

Mike:
Converted to Christianity and opened his own church. Couldn’t find out more without making a donation to the church of at least $5,000.

The Perfect Crime

I would have committed the perfect crime if it weren’t for this terrible guilt racking my mind.

The Perfect Mime

I saw this mime today in the city.

He was AMAZING.

Simple divine for a mime. I’m completely turned around on this issue (mimes).

The Perfect Mine

DIAMONDS! EVERYWHERE!

And they literally fall out of the wall into your diamond pouch.

And it never collapses.

The Perfect Pine

Interview'd

Sup kids.

Some dude interviewed me. You should probably check it out.

Or don't. I dunno. I don't care anymore.

Last Night I Dreamt…

Last night I dreamt that I bled profusely from my penis while I slept (as opposed to when I spelt).

And then…

When I woke up…

There wasn’t any blood.

WWHSS? (What Would Hubert Selby Say)

“It
wasn’t
blood.”

Just goes to show you that dreams don’t really mean shit and cannot harm you in the real world.

A Question of Taste

You are all aware that a lot of guest posters (as opposed to ghost posters) write to me, wanting to have a go on the blog. I’ve had some big names in the past. But I got approached by Sophie Delizio’s “people”, wanting to let her have a go.

But I don’t know if I should post it up…

Are some things sacred?

Free of Disease Since ‘96

Hey!

Have you seen the sexy food blog that I do a bit of writing/photoing for?

Thus Bakes Zarathustra

Food for all and none!

Check it (if you love me and want to {{complete the set}})

{{The Count}}

4

Urgent

I send all work-related emails with an urgent, or “high”, priority because I can/not sure how to change settings.

Amazingly, people don’t respond any quicker. I think that if there was a really urgent matter then people would be all apathetic and say (in their head) “oh, I’ll get around to it… EVENTUALLY”.

Imagine That!

I have a really fucked up imagination. That’s why I like girls who dress like sluts. Otherwise I picture all sorts of crazy shit hidden beneath their clothing.

I Have a Secret

I made a deal with Peter Costello.

The year was 1994. The month was December. I was 11. He came to my primary school and spoke to us. He promised me that if I study hard then I will have every opportunity to be successful in life.

He kept his promise.

Attn: Queen MC Tash

RE: Your line in your song “Strictly Kings or Better”

“Eat me up like a Tim Tam”

You want me to pit your ends off, submerge you in my beverage, drink coffee THROUGH you until you are soggy on the inside, then chew you?

I mean… that’s a nice metaphor and all, but is it something sexual we can do more than once? Or would you, you know, die after we did it once?

Attn: Mortdale Fruit Box Market

Hey!

I managed to catch your fruit salad today. It’s quite tasty and the blend of fruit was most enjoyable.

Surprised that something decent could be found in Mortdale.

Maybe a tiny bit too much pineapple. More strawberry or watermelon would have been appreciated. Apart from that, great!

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

Thank you is old and meaningless.

If I want to show my gratitude to someone, I’ll give them a snowball kiss.

The Road to Raw

I’m getting a bit worried about this whole thing.

I went through about 300 posts the other day and only found about 2 things that I thought were funny.

Maybe this won’t be such an easy win.

Office Space

Some people’s managers are annoying. Mine is funny. She mixes up the words for faeces and foetus.

“They slept in their own foetuses.”

Really? Awesome. Top marks for use of plural. I will work hard for you today.

Check This: A Reminisce

When I was very young I spent a glorious week listening to a delightful radio station I found that played the soothing sounds of rain falling on wooden pipes.

It’s things like that which have contributed to the chilled young man that types before you.

I stopped listening when I could no longer find it on the tuner/ found out it was just static I was listening to the whole time.

So Long, Marianne

Look. I did not just break up with Steph.

We are not even going out so how is that even possible? There is no way she could be pissed that I check out other girls while I’m with her. Because I am never with her!

This is the end of the issue. No more correspondence will be entered into.

The Road To Raw - Raw Entrée

I think when I enter the stage at Raw Comedy 2007 I will approach the microphone and say, “thank you, thank you. Thank you for applauding my walk towards the microphone. I have put a lot of work into it.”

Possibly.

I dunno. Maybe it’s not that funny.

Feelin’ Sexaaaaay

After casual sex I like to feel gender ambiguous.

I find that it helps my partner become less self-conscious about the whole thing, since it takes the attention off them.

{{The Count}}

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You’re So Vain (Carly Simon)

Not many people know this, but Carly Simon actually wrote ‘You’re So Vain’ about herself.

She was very hard on herself.

It's Time For Another... Post That Wasn't Good Enough To Make It

Simple Plan

I’d like the idea of communal living, but not the sharing part.

A Picture Says A Thousand Words

But surely some of those are just padding to make the word limit.

Quick Post

This is a quick post to let you know that, despite a few posts already pre-written, there will be no new postings today due to my rampant hangover/ the fact that I have to use my mind to calculate the number of people who saw me make a fool of myself last night.

I'm too handsome for this shit...