Seriously Good Plan

I think if I was a serial killer I would kill only agoraphobics because they can’t run outside when you chase them to kill them, and that makes it all MUCH easier.

Plus no one would look for them for a while, because agoraphobics have very few friends and they would not think something is “up” (LOL, rappers) if the person didn’t go outside for a long time.

I would be nicknamed the Shut-In Slasher.

Let’s Just Technical

Is it still a meal for one if you make enough for 4 people, but then save the rest for another day?

WWONJD?

“I think that you’re just trying to label it to make it acceptable, but it won’t do anything for the underlying depression you feel due to being alone. Much like me and the depression I still feel over the mysterious disappearance of my boyfriend. Maybe you could offer some of the leftovers to that special girl you have admired from a distance? Her reaction may surprise you!”

Rough Sex

The other night I accidentally had sex with this chick against her will.

We were both going for it on her desk for a while until she got all pissy at me and started saying things like “no... wait… stop” but I was into it and couldn’t really stop. She tried to struggle but I’m pretty big.

After I finished and rolled off her she slapped me and called me an arsehole. Turns out we were having sex on top of some documents she was preparing for her will and when we had sex she was rubbing up against the will and it was really uncomfortable and the documents got damaged.

Surfacing Pain

So last night I got a bit drunk and found myself giving head to some guy back at his place. But while I’m sucking him off I look around the room and notice some stuff. Pictures of him at work, work clothes, etc.

The guy was a cop!

I got so pissed off. I started yelling and shit. My best hooker friend was killed by a cop. It wasn’t his fault, I guess.

Hunting

Tonight I was hanging around the Hordern Pavillion when I saw a wolf, mother.

It didn't look dangerous. I was a bit worried about getting drawn into it's suck, like most other people had, but I managed to escape.

The Night MC Ren Seduced Me (Sort Of)

“Baby, you can suck this dick. Just as long as you don’t bite.”

Mmmm yea.

“Go back to the crib, we do that Superfly scene: Fuck your ass in the tub, rub my dick with Vaseline.”

Yea. Keep going, MC Ren. You’re making me moist.

“Make my shit stretch all down you throat.”

Huh?

“Quit tryin’ to talk with that shit in your mouth. Just write a note or use sign language. If you need some air.”

The fuck? Shit? This is getting out of hand and I am not interested!

“I chase your ass around the room, fuck that pussy anywhere.”

No, MC Ren! Just leave me alone, okay!

Dirty Whores

The first time I had sex was awful. Exactly 185 days later I went to the doctor and found out I had an inner ear infection.

The Definition of Irony

I once knew this guy called Steven (or was it Stephen?) who only had one hand and leg.

He was not the inspiration for Even Steven.

Brush With Fame

So last weekend I had sex with Melissa George.

Sorry, I mean I had sex with Melissa, George. (George will know who it is)

Them’s Fighting Words

When I was younger (ie yesterday) I got in a fight with a tennis coach.

I kicked him in his balls. They went everywhere. He must have spent about 10 minutes picking them all up.

Damn Greeks

So I went to the catacombs today just to see the view and admire it and shit. But I get there and find out I have to comb all these cats.

Poor travel experience. Waste of a mystery flight (more like MISERY flight, LOL).

You Can Have Her Cake And Eat It Too

Fuck. I ate far too much cake today.

Fuck.

Someone give me a hug right away. It must be a sugar extracting hug. Must be.

OH PS

OH PS I’m back from my journey.

Wannabe Jobe

People think it’s easy being me but it’s really hard.

Though not as hard as having to tell someone they’re dying, I guess. If I was a doctor I’d practise on people who weren’t dying, just to get it right.

“You’re dying, lol (<--can’t keep a straight face when being serious).”
“But I only came in with a cold.”
“Yea…. *sigh* Must be quite a shock.”
“OMG This cannot be happening *tears*!”
“It’s not I was only practising.”
“LOL. Funny. Had me going for a second. Punk’d etc.”

The Road To Raw

I haven’t done it for a while, but I think when I get really nervous my legs shake and my skin goes red, like a Parkinson’s sufferer who has spent too much time in the sun.

How do I know that won’t happen on stage at Raw? <--rhetorical question, I do not.

Maybe if Steph comes and I only look at her and think of her I will be relaxed and happy. It would be like telling the jokes just to her.

Is my insecurity turning off some readers, I wonder? As long as it isn't Steph, who cares. She is too vital to the plan.

The Plan

When I die I want to be buried 7 feet under. That way no one will ever find me.

I'll secret put an empty coffin 6 feet under too, as a decoy coffin. Well it won't be ME that puts the decoy coffin there because I'll be dead, but you get the idea.

The Road To Raw

So I was speaking to this hotbabe and she’s asking me if I’m serious about doing the Raw thingy. I tell her I am and she tells me that the shit I do on the blog is hard to translate to the real world and I get worried and she decides to ask if I’m worried that some people from the blog might come.

I wasn’t before. I guess I am now. She made a good argument. What if they only are attracted to the mystery and when they find out I’m just some stupid fat guy who just posts random thoughts that are sort of formulaic they decide they don’t want to visit or call me cute anymore?

Then she said she likes Malady and I said sure, who doesn’t? And she said Steph but I said no, I think Steph likes her and then we were all who IS Malady? Is she a short Asian high school student who lives in the country and doesn’t feel that she belongs? Does her family farm taro? Oh God taro is awesome. Do you think if I marry her I can eat taro and totally reap taro profits (through the roof)? Maybe.

A lot to think about.

Update: Iceland

Okay, almost made it to Iceland. So far the ship is somewhere north of New Zealand. I’m not sure how far away Iceland is but it’s cold so I guess I’m close.

Be back soon hopefully (as long as Loch Nesses don’t attack me!).

Norway-Bound

I have to go to Norway real quick for a few days.

Won’t be able to post.

The Road To Raw

I wonder… should I only use material from this blog or should I think up some new stuff?

I still have doubts about you guys helping me choose what material to do. If you come then you’ll know all the jokes. And then it would have been a wasted journey and the girls won’t want to cuddle me (with their soft, furry little tongues).

Damn AA Meetings

Beating alcohol is a twelve-step process.

They should make it easier because I don’t think I’m the only person that finds stepping and steps difficult when drunk. Twelve steps represents a nasty tripping potential.

Other things that can be done to overcome alcohol:

• 12 cheeseburgers at 5am process
• 12 regretful lays process
• 12 falls into a shrub process

I dunno… think about it.

{{The Count}}

5

I Do It Because Rach Said She Likes Guys With Beards

Lately I’ve been trying to grow a beard. But it’s much harder than I thought because I’m growing it on someone else.

I have to make sure he doesn’t cut it off and ruin all of the good progress. “No, don’t shave it. It looks great! I heard a girl say she likes guys with beards.”

The Bitch Can Talk Too

This new girlfriend I’ve got isn’t very good. She just doesn’t let me be myself at all and she’s not very trustworthy. Take this weekend for instance. One of my oldest female friends was in town visiting. I call her “The Eye” because she has a glass eye. Anyway we went out for lunch and a bit of a catch-up, as we normally do when one of us pays a visit to the other, and said our goodbyes.

I get home and the new girl is FUMING. She asks me where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing and shit like that. I tell her I just went out to meet the eye for lunch. She flies off the wall and starts saying that I did more than just meet “The Eye”.

Untrustworthy harlot. I think I’ll break up with her.

The Road To Raw

So I was in the kitchen with my mother this evening, sharing jokes as we prepared a dish incorporating sumac (yes, sumac), when I announced my plans for Raw.

Initially she was sceptical at this (“you… you think you can get up in front of people and do that?”) but I won her over after I told her some of the jokes I plan to tell. One she thought was particularly funny and I was worried I would trigger bladder weakness. I've seen the ads...

She offered the thought that the important thing is that I develop a good persona. I agreed.

9, 531, 43

I like those odds!

Ummm.... Okay...

There’s this girl in my bed. I don’t know who it is. She kind of looks like that Ricki-Lee Coulter chick but I don’t think it’s her. This girl is a bit younger. Maybe her younger sister? Wait… why would Ricki-Lee Coulter’s younger sister be in my bed? That makes no sense.

Okay. Think. Last thing I remember is being in the RNB SUPERCLUUUUUB at like 5am. Everything is a bit hazy. Hmmmm. I don’t recall any girls there. Pretty unsuccessful night up to that point. Rest is a bit of a blur.

Who.is.this.girl? I might go and see if I can find her purse/handbag to see if there is any ID in there. Should I make eggs and coffee to seem sensitive and grand? No. It’s nearly 3pm.


UPDATE: LOL turns out there was no girl and it was just a ghost or an illusion or some shit.