Overrated

So tonight I made a chick come. We were going for drinks and she didn’t really want to join us but I convinced her to come.

I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I mean, yea, she came and had a good time so she probably enjoyed it, but I didn’t get any sort of pleasure from it.

And what’s with some people saying that it’s hard to make girls come? She came pretty easily when I pointed out the benefits. Although I guess maybe some girls come easier than others. Probably depends on the guy too, since not everyone would have negotiation skills as good as me.

The Question on Everyone’s Lips

“Just what has been happening lately at Brookvale Public School, Jobe?”

Fuck I’m so glad you asked right now because I have all the latest news STRAIGHT FROM THE KIDS’ MOUTHS! Check out some of these events:


A Visit From Pineapple Pete

“Pineapple Pete was able to come outside and do a dance for all the kids! The Assembly finished off with the National Anthem and everybody left.

I hope everyone has fun in the fun run and that our school fund raises the most money. It was a great assembly. “
- Adam


Easter Hat Parade

“At the end the Year Six had to pack up and clean the hall. Everyone had fantastic fun and they enjoyed it.”
- Robynne


Kindy’s First Day

“Jodeci had lots of fun and made lots of friends. He did lot’s of drawing and played with lots of toys.”
- Adam

But Adam, did he love his teacher?

“And yes he loved his teacher Mrs. Patterson.”

Phew!


Special Lunch Day

“We had to get the cups and napkins from the staffroom to the wet weather shed. Some children got to butter the bread, some others collected the orders and counted the money and my group poured all the cordial drinks.

By the time we had done that all it was about recess so all of the Kindergarten children came up with their buddies. We had the napkins ready to give it to them and once they have got that they get a piece of cake and then a drink.

When it is lunch time they come and get a napkin again and this time they get two slices of bread, a sausage and a drink. They go sit down and eat their food and then when they all get their lunch we have to go and get our lunch.

When we go and play Year Six students get two buckets of fruit and go around the school and give it out for everyone to eat.

It was a good day and we made $450 profit for our overnight camp to Jenolan Caves and Bathurst.”
- Gabriel

Whoa! Talk about management styles in work there! Mintzberg called, he said you’re awesome.


Friday Night Disco

“Some of the songs their were the 'Macarina', 'Hockey Pokey' and 'Twist'.”
- Rachel

YOU CAN’T BELIEVE HOW MUCH FUN WE’RE HAVING!

“We also had a break dancing competition and a beat boxing competition. The break dancing was great lots of people did lots of different things. The beat boxing competition was also great. Even Mr. Richard joined in and had a little beat box too.”
- Rachel

Wait a minute, Rachel. Rap in the schoolyard? I do not like the sounds of this!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wow. And that’s only a fraction of the activities currently going on at Brookvale Public School. Stay tuned to their website for all the ongoing action!

http://www.brookvale-p.schools.nsw.edu.au/EVENTS/index_events.html

Quick Post

This is a quick post to let you know that the following six posts are brought to you by the homonym: “pole”.

A Pole

A Polio Sufferer

Polish

A Poll

Q: You feel that your opinion is respected by others on WTOMH.

1. Strongly Agree
2. Agree
3. Neutral
4. Disagree
5. Strongly Disagree

LOL it's an acrosstic poems for SANDS.

Polish

Polar

Oh. Hi.

Guys. I'm not sure if you can help but I was looking for my Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind DVD but I can't find it.

I haven't seen it for like 6 months.

I really want to watch it. Mostly to hear the song that's played at the start when he's driving home in the rain and being emo.

So. Yea. Anyone seen it?

Eating Out

Last night I went out to dinner. It was this lovely Portuguese place in Sydney and the food was delicious. I had the meat.

I would rate it a 1 (out of 1).

The Road To Raw

I had a “Raw Realisation” this morning.

Reflection on the performances of Raw ’06, I noticed that the material wouldn’t have been terrible if it was written down. I then concluded that the main reason it was shit is because the PEOPLE are shit.

Now I realise that my material basically means shit. I have to become a superstar number one all star first round draft pick comedian.

Worrying times.

The Road To Raw

This will be the last of these for a while. I like how the more recent it gets the shorter the posts get.

Drinking a lot of alcohol is only a problem when the people you are with drink less than you. Which is the exact opposite when it comes to poison.

Because poison is bad for you.

When I was a troubled teenager my parents took me to a police station to scare me straight.

But it was a police station on Oxford Street, so I got confused as to what their true intentions were and it didn’t really work.

I sometimes enjoy the wordplay here. Other times I do not.

A lot of comedians try to be funny when they finish their set and head off into the unknown/backstage area by ending with a one-liner such as “Thanks, you guys have been great and so have I”.

But MAN that shit is so played out. We get it, you're funny, etc.

When I finish my set at Raw Comedy 2007 I think I’ll leave people surrfering with an existential crisis.

“Thanks, guys. I’ve been here. So have you. BUT WHY????????”

It's funny because it's true. I wish to end with this. Possibly.

So it’s pretty obvious that swearing has become ingrained in our culture. People swear at work; teachers swear in classrooms and old ladies swear amongst each other while playing bridge. But there are some times when swearing isn’t appropriate, regardless of how you mean it.

“I love those fucking new Carlton beers!”

OKAY

“I love fucking kids”

NOT OKAY

This is IN!!!! Segue into a rape/paedo joke and we're SET!

It would really suck to have a detective that has “seen it all” as a friend. You’d be joking around, making a joke about murder or rape or paedophilia and he’d just get all pissy and shit.

“Yeah you fucking joke about it now, don’t you. But you wouldn’t joke if you’d been murdered and left for dead. Yeah I know that last sentence doesn’t make sense. But it makes sense to me, because I’ve seen it all and you’re just an arsehole. So fucking har har laugh it up funny boy. Feel big? Try telling it to the victims. The VICTIMS man. Well I’ve got news for you. You can’t tell the victims because they’re either dead, completely fucked up for life, or their identities are kept a secret so you would never track them down.”

It’d be even worse if he’s seen it all, except for Paris.

“I tell you, Jobe. In my 20 years as a detective I’ve seen it all. Except for Paris. I really want to see that. Paris looks fucking great. Total opposite of a murder scene. Which is horrible. Just horrible ”

Climax to all the wrong jokes. I like this a lot.

So I really like to get my Christmas shopping done early—boxing day sales early. I basically just buy gifts for whoever is in my life at that moment that I think is deserving of a gift.

Normally it’s really good and saves a lot of hassle shopping during the Christmas rush. But it can be annoying having to explain to your friend that the reason you didn’t get him a present was because you were pissed at him for a week in January because he made a move on that chick you’ve totally liked for ages, even though they soon broke up and you picked up the pieces to finally be with her.

But it does have its positives too. While the death of someone that is important to you is a horribly tragic event, being able to keep their gift for yourself does help alleviate grief.

For that reason, when I’m looking for gifts for people I don’t think will last the year, I tend to buy things that I may enjoy more than they will.

I dunno... Needs a lot of work but I think it could be good. Would translate well.

So I've been a bit down lately. But I don't think I'm miserable because I really don't love having company. I just want to be by myself, mostly.

Not funny, really.

Hair-Raising Adventure

Today I was having a bad hair day. In a pinch I grabbed an eye patch I had lying around.

The eye patch was 99.9% effective in taking attention off my bad hair.

I'm Buzzing (no junkie)

Today I invented this thing called an electric car. It’s like a normal car but it’s electric.

Pretty good.

Crap Joke

This fat guy went to weight-loss court.

He was given a light sentence.

The Road To Roar

Public Service Announcement

Quitting is hard.

Not quitting is harder.

Trying to keep an erection while that freak in the non-smoking ad sucks you off is bloody impossible.

The Road To Raw

What you got today for us Jobey?

Six Things I’d Say While Injecting Heroin
- Level with me, Sporto. Do you slip her the hot beef injection?
- Hang on a second, man. I’m injecting heroin.
- Thursday is… TIRED DAY (note: only if injecting on a Wednesday)
- Trust me man, this isn’t heroin.
- Just wait til I blog about this.
- Holy shit my veins are fucken peaking.

Hmmmm. Could go either way. I really just want to use the Breakfast Club reference.

As a child there was this older kid down the road that beat me at everything. It sucked. Then he got really bad acne and couldn’t run anymore because of the tumour and I felt better.

I was so so on this but some people seemed to enjoy it.

'No' Means 'No'
UNLESS IT’S OPPOSITES DAY!

This is in. You cannot make me not do this. It will be added to a few other rape/paedo jokes as {{the ultimate punchline}}.

"Agoraphobics"
This is seriously the best workout I’ve ever had. I lost weight and bulked up!

Some days I like this. Others I do not.

The Last Time I Console Someone
“It could be worse. You might be ugly or have a disease.”

“My mum was ugly and had a disease!”

*yawn*

"Dare / DOUBLE DARE / {{Physical Challenge}}"
So there’s this hotbabe I really like. Today I went within 300 metres of her, because I wanted to prove the judge wrong when she said I couldn't go that close to her.

Bitch shouldn’t have dared me.

Maybe I can do 5 minutes of pure assault humour.

"One Night Stands"
I come for the sex.

I stay for a little while because I don't know if I should stay or go. What would she want?

Too subtle.


Tomorrow is a new day...

Clarity

Today I came to the stunning realisation that I’m not fat.

I’m just a festive gentleman.

Pregnant Rowe falls down stairs

Embattled Today host Jessica Rowe has fallen down a flight of stairs at home, fracturing her wrist.

The Channel Nine personality and wife of 60 Minutes journalist Peter Overton described the fall, which occurred mid-afternoon yesterday, to Today audience via a live cross just before 8am today.

Yea. The bitch fell.

Mango Lassie

In Da Face

“You think that’s bad: I used to go out with a girl who couldn’t feel her face.”

Oh.

Wait… huh?

“She couldn’t feel her face.”

Why?

“Well she had no hands.”

Why wouldn’t you just say you used to go out with a girl who had no hands?

“I dunno…”

Don’t Stair!

Today I saw a lady fall down the escalator. It was like seeing someone fall down the stairs. But faster.

The Road To Raw

Last night's efforts were poor. Let's hope this lot is better...

I’d be a great teacher at a Christian school. I’d turn the bad kids straight with threats like “if you pass notes in class, Jesus will kill your parents.”

You know how Jimmy's dad died from asbestos poisoning after a lifetime working in construction? He.pissed.me.off *narrows eyes*

Probably fuck some nuns and blast gangsta rap 24/7 too.

The last line pleases me. The rest is obvious and played.

Triple The Embarrassment
“You have a pimple.”

“Oh no. Where?”

“On your dick.”

“Oh no! How do you know I have a pimple on my dick?”

“Your fly is undone.”

“OH NO!”

I don't get it. Just weird...

I always get hotbabes to talk clean to me if I'm feelin' a little freaky.

Call me strange.

"Yea... your dick is showering in my cunt. It's getting so fucking clean in my juices. This ma'fucka is gonna be SHINING when it pops out it'll be that clean."

Haha yeeeeeea. This will kill.

So I’ve been listening to a lot of hip hop lately, as usual, and something has occurred to me: girls are really stupid!

According to the songs (which are a trustworthy source since hip hop is basically just reporting what happens on the streets) there are a lot of female virgins offering themselves to rapper-types.

This is crazy! You need to walk before you can run.

To all girls: stop being so fucking stupid. If you feel you are ready to become sexually active then hook up with someone you care about, NOT a rapper who will hit your pussy raw and then leave.

Not enough jokes in it. Might be able to fix it up into something good though. Rap jokes are good.

The other night I was attacked in a park by a lion made of one thousand torches.

He was drunk and shiny and my meat fell apart in his mouth.

Or not.


In the words of the Beatles, "you've got to admit it's getting better". Even if it is only a little.

Fast Eddy

So I made this joke about Eddy McGuire a while ago. A few days later I got a call from his “people” saying that if I kept it up he would “bone” me.

Eddy is sort of gross but I think it would be nice to be boned by him since he’s a celebrity. It might even fast track my career as future star of the small screen/night skies.

But I was too shy to do anything.

*sigh*

Ivan Milrap

A lot of people/police call me the backpacker killer.

They asked me why I did it.

I just hate nerd rap.

Oh Man

This is so bad. I went to the appeals court and they made no change to my harsh, harsh punishment.

This is so bad. My whole life is over now. It will take me years to become the great person I was just last year. But they even took that title away so now I have nothing.

Oh man why did I do it? I’ve ruined everything. My fans will be so pissed.

Shame on a Feeda

My girlfriend looks so fucking cute when she eats. I’m always thinking of excuses I can use to get her to eat something so I can watch.

She’s getting a bit fat though so I might dump her. It’s just hard to see someone as cute when they don’t care about their body. It's like she doesn't even know what she's doing to herself.

The Road To Raw

It keeps coming.

I was about 8 years old and I’d only been walking to and from school by myself for a few months. In every respect it was a day like any other, except something happened that would shatter my tiny world.

I was walking to school. The walk to school was always quieter than the walk home. Less people around on the streets. I got about halfway to school when I noticed a car was driving behind me slowly. The car sped up slightly so it could overtake me and stop a few metres ahead.

As I walked past the window sunk into the door. A man was in there. He wore a hat and dark sunglasses. He leaned over to speak to me.

“Hey, kid. I just went to the shop and bought too much candy. You want some?”
“Uh… sure…” I said. I’d be told about stranger danger but somehow I was frozen in the moment and I couldn’t run.
“Then why don’t you come a little closer to the car. It’s hard for me to give you the candy all the way over there.”
He had a point. I approached the car.
“That’s it,” he smiled. “Nice and close. This candy is really good.”
I got right up close to the door.
“You’ll have to reach in to get it. I have a bad back, I don’t want to lean over.”
I leaned into the car and reached for the bag he held.
He gave me the candy.
“Thanks, kid. I couldn’t eat all that. You have a good day now. Bye.”
And he drove off.

Nice guy

Doubt I can make this work live.

BOYFRIEND’S FRIEND: Remember that night when blah blah blah blah

BOYFRIEND: Nope.

GIRLFRIEND (to BOYFRIEND): That was the night you called me fat.

BOYFRIEND: Oh… right… (to GIRLFRIEND) Sorry ‘bout that...

People laughed at this when I posted it but I don't see it really being funny. Won't translate well either.

Am I the only one who thinks that ugly people with bad personalities who make a promise to God not to have sex are sort of, you know, cheating?

Take THAT ugly people! I like it but it's played.

Every dictionary has the potential to be a pocket dictionary depending on the size of the pocket.

Played? Mitch Hedberg has a joke that goes "every book is a children's book if the kid can read" and I feel this is a total bite.

So I caught a glimpse of a show on TV last night. I think it was about documentary about adoption or something. I wasn’t paying attention to tell you the truth. But there was one girl who was interviewed who I thought was hilariously sad.

I think she had been adopted into a family of a different colour to her, so she was saying that when she goes out with her brother everyone thinks they’re a couple and not family and how embarrassing it is.

People sure do suck!

Wait….

What the FUCK are they doing when they go out that makes people think they’re a couple? Can’t they just be FRIENDS? That girl is fucked in the head.

Sure it’s POSSIBLE that our country lacks understanding (long gone are the days when skin colour and race was one way of seeing if people are related) but why does she have to feel so fucking sorry for herself? Because she’s guilt about banging her adopted brother!

Incest joke. Woo! Would be easily performed but I have doubts about its humour.

The perfect gift for a forgetful drug addict is a retired drug-sniffing dog who can help him locate his missing stash/solve crimes/provide companionship/shit on the carpet.

Needs to be rewritten but I like it. Has it been done though?

{{The Count}}

6

Turn My Camera On

When I get my photo taken I always strike one pose: zany.

Can’t Touch This

It’s pretty hard to tell by the plethora of recent posts that are {{sexually charged}} that I’m not getting any. I think.

Full House

I’m not normally into group sex but I think I’d have sex with both of the actresses who played Becky Conner in “Roseanne” at the same time.

That’s right, Sarah Chalke AND Lecy Goranson AT THE SAME TIME.

They’d let me refer to them as “The Beckies” (eg “yea, lick the balls, The Beckies”) and it would be awesome/a bit sticky.

The Road To Raw

Here come some more hot shit for ya ear (note: no sound, don't bother adjusting your speakers):

I saw the most stunningly beautiful girl on the train today. Ever. Words escape me. She really belonged in a sort of… exhibit… or something…. Where she could be watched forever. I’d pay to see it, probably.

It’s like… she was MORE than a hotbabe.

And she was studying something that had pictures of mouths and teeth on the page. And she preferred to stand instead of sitting (FUCKING LAZY CUNTS).

She was probably 80% perfect. If she had some how given me an indication of her music leanings it could have been love at first sight. But I’d play it cool, so as to not scare her off. But we’d both know it was “meant to be”. We’d totally both get insecure and worry that things were going too well. Then we’d have a big discussion about it and laugh and agree it was a silly thing to think. But we’d both still think it. And this secret would tear us apart.

I think this is the sort of meterial that would get me through the early stages of the Raw heats. Except I don't really think it's THAT great.

"Put Your Eye On My Microscope"

How paedophiles attract nerdy kids?

Or does NO ONE like nerdy kids?

I have a lot of paedo humour on the way. I really like this joke. I think it defines me a little.

If I could breed with any animal and produce hybrid offspring it would be a lobster.

But I would probably have to lower my standards dramatically and do it with a shit animal like a socially awkward frilly-neck lizard.

Needs reworking but I derive some enjoyment from it. Although it is a bit played.

The capital letter of Australia is ‘A’.

A lot of people say 'Sydney'.

Also needs work but I think this is potential gold. I think this would work well live. I would say it and just stop. It would be one of those jokes where it takes a few seconds to get. A wave of laughter would come towards me. However it is a little lame.

I’ve been diagnosed as obsessive-compulsive-self-conscious.

I wash my hands constantly, because I don’t want people to think that they’re dirty. But then because my soap is scented I become worried that people will know that I just washed my hands.

Boderline lame/gold. I'll make fun of a lot of diseases and touchy subjects.

FYI

Ain’t No Other Man

FYI

From Depressed to Detoxed

I’ve got the friend staying with me who is sort of depressed at the moment. He just mopes around the house and if I didn’t force him to he’d probably forget to eat.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to detox his system for him. So far I’ve cut all canned and processed foods out of his system and I’m feeding him a lot of grains and nuts.

He doesn’t really seem happier. Yet.

Quick Appendendum

Not really. I just wanted to use that word.

Happy Anniversary

Did you know this blog has been going for a year now?

In-credible!

The Road To Raw

So I've gone through my archives and here are some of the posts that I will probably tinker with and add to the shortlist of material for Raw.

I Have a Large, Impractical Cock
Seriously, what the fuck am I going to do with this massive cock of mine? My girlfriend agrees that it's far too big to eat, even if she invited a lot of her friends around to share it. It's so big it wakes me up in the morning sometimes.

It's about 100 cms tall and is red on top. When I bought it from my local poultrier he warned me that this cock carried a large curse with it. "Shut the fuck up and give me the huge cock," I ordered him. He just laughed and said something about me buying more than I bargained for.

I bargained for a large cock and that's what I got. It's not cursed or anything, it's just large and annoying. My girlfriend seems somewhat attached to it though.

I don't really find this that funny and I think it's a bit played. But I remember this got a good reaction. Possible. Poultrier (pronounced poultry-air) is a word I wish to say.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “thanks for giving me a dollar, Jobe” then I’d break even.

I like this and no one will stop me from performing it. When touched up this joke will KILL.

Do you ever wonder if there’s any die-hard fans of 70’s prog-rockers ‘Yes’ that fill with optimism when they overhear someone say “Yes”, in the hopes that they’re actually taking about the band?

I don't think anyone really likes this except me. It's sort of obscure too, which means it will go over a lot of people's heads.

When I tell you this you won’t believe me: it’s just so far fetched! But I’ll tell you anyway, because I love you so much. I finally had a GOOD firstdate! And it wasn’t just good, it was great. The girl is incredible and I know it’s early, but I think she might be the one.

I met her at the R&B SUPERCLUUUUUB last night and we had some of that casual sex that everyone is talking about these days. I did all that stuff that girls want, like affection and spooning, and told her I love her and we’ll be together and that. I’m pretty sweet but I was lying then—lying so she’d be happy.

When I woke up in the morning she was gone. I assumed she had to go to a meeting or something really early and didn’t want to wake me (I look pretty peaceful when I sleep). She left in such a rush that she forgot to leave me her number too!

Luckily I remembered where she said she worked so I’ll just call up there and speak to her there. I’ll probably call in a couple of hours to tell her I had a good time last night (girls like that) and see if she wants to hang out tomorrow or something. I’ve heard that hot-air ballooning is pretty romantic so I might suggest that.

I think this is the start of something huge.

Needs to be cut down a lot but I think it could work. Possibly. It's been done a bit before so that concerns me.

I’m pretty in love with filing right now. But the problem is I love filing TOO much. I pretty much file {{EVERYTHING}} that I can get my hands on.

Another problem is that I can’t decide whether I enjoy filing files or filing down wood more. It’s a real time management issue. If I could decide which one I love more then I count concentrate on that.

Or maybe it’s the variety of filing that I prefer?

Another one that I like that no one else will get.

As a child I really hated all Kraft products. There wasn’t even one I could tolerate: I just hated them all so much.

My parents, realising that a dislike for Kraft products would mean that my adult life would be weird and unfulfilling (boy I showed them!), decided to use my kindergarten teachers to trick me into eating Kraft products.

“Who wants to do craft?” the teachers would ask. (whoa, I just went all Dr Seuss on your arses) I would, of course, cheer with reckless abandon. And craft time would commence.

After a while a teacher would come over to me and ask if I would like to do some extra special craft in the back room. Of course I did. In the back room they would ask if I loved craft. I answered yes every time. They would then slap me, force a handful of those crappy Kraft processed cheese sticks down my windpipe and say “damn right you love Kraft.”

This happened every week for two years until I realised that as an adult I would love Kraft and rough, fucked-up sex.

Not sure about this one. It's midly amusing, especially the end. But I don't think there are enough laughs in it for the amount of time it would take to tell.



Stay tuned for more tomorrow.

My Brush With a Gang!

So last night I decided to go for a walk through Sydney’s “bad-land” to see if it’s all the papers say it is. I had only been there for 5 minutes when I was totally ambushed by a gang. But it wasn’t your ordinary ethnic gang, this was a PRESS GANG!

"You tell those OC people I INVENTED seething, Lynda!"

It was pretty good to see the Press Gang again after all these years. Spike, Lynda, Kenny, Frazz, everyone!

But then it got scary.

They wouldn’t let me go! They put a knife to my throat and made me reminisce about the show and my favourite moments. I mean... I really liked the show back then but it was 10 years ago and I can’t remember much. They got PISSED. If it wasn’t for The Bill arriving I’m sure I would have been killed.

Comment of the Night

From here

"Anonymous said...
yeah that's right...ur making no sense! I'm Pauliniangel...what's ur username? r u Paulinieyes (the one who got banned)? lol, i just googled myself. BTW im a boy, not a girl."

*sigh*

Where to start with that.