Testing The Waters

Hi gang. I have an idea I want to run by you all.

I want to start a bar that has drinks sort of like Easyways. Of course we’ll still sell beer and shit like that, but there will also be drinks that are similar to the following:

• Taro and Baileys milk tea with pearls
• Honeydew and Vodka with aloe vera
• Margarita blended ice with coconut jelly
• Lemon and gin and tonic with lychee jelly
• Cocktail puddings with pearls

Music:
I will approve it. Shit like indie rock, prog, good hip hop, downbeat, indie pop, gothic folk, funk, soul, old electro, 80's new wave and other shit that takes my fancy.

I'll have music wanker DJs like Dave Mack playing rekkids for the kids.


Staff:
Looks not really a factor. Friendliness is the key. People who are relaxed and want to go that extra mile for the customer.


Bouncers:
Keep out punks, creepy old people and metros. Everyone else is welcome and greeted with a smile.


Cost:
Depends on the location I suppose. Beer prices will be around the $6 mark, although I may have some fancier, importer options that will go for a bit more.

The special Easyways-esque drinks will probably go for around $8 to cover costs. Not sure how much they actually cost to manufacture… I'll probably offer non-alcoholic versions too which will be direct rip-offs of Easyways.

Don’t think I’ll charge a cover charge.


My question (for you): Would you attend my establishment? I'm guessing 'no' but you never know...

Frequently Asked Question

“Oh, Jobe, what’s in a name?”

Letters.




LOL. Jobe’s lame posts are my favourite. They endear him to my heart.

Jobey Da Ill Smugglah

So I went to a gig last night. I’d been to this same venue dozens of times but on this night they decided to crack down (on security). I arrived to the door and the security dude tells me to remove what I have in my pockets. But he didn’t pat me down or scan me. What if I had a knife and just left it in my pocket?

Still not happy with me, he asks if I’m carrying any firearms or liquid explosives. Now why the hell would I take firearms or liquid explosives to a shitty little hip hop gig? It’s hardly the maximum impact of taking said items on… ohhh saaaayyyy… a transatlantic flight and then detonating them over the ocean.

I laughed, said I didn’t have any firearms or liquid explosives and headed inside. He didn’t ask anything about knives…

Love

Your eyes are large and beautiful. I cannot take my eyes off them.

Like your tits. And your flaws.

I See Some Ladies Tonight That Should Be Havin’ My Baby, Baby

I was in a good mood this morning. So good a mood, in fact, that I decided that when the chick comes to collect the census from our household I will not reject her sex. Yes. Even if she is old and/or fat! It would make her day/ late for collecting from other houses.

But then a guy came so I couldn’t make my offer...

You ever have moments like these? Where you wonder what MIGHT have been...

Random Thoughts While Buying a Drink

• Yes! A drink will really quench my insatiable appetite for beverages.
• Oh gosh! So many tasty things to order. Possibilitiiiiiiiies
• I wonder what Malady would drink… Taro, probably.
• I’ll just have a beer, I think.
• Yea. A beer.
• Wow. The bar chick is really pretty!
• She’s smiling at me too. What lovely service.
• Wait... why would she be smiling?
• She obviously can’t be interested in someone like me (I have no left hand side of face)…
• And if you’re so very entertaining, why are you on your own tonight?
• She’s up to something!
• I hope she doesn’t put a skeleton in my drink.
• Oh man what if that tap is dispensing the beverage I ordered?
• What are her motives?
• What have I done to her?
• This is fucking insane!
• I’m not thirsty anymore.
• Oh fuck I have to get the hell out of her. They’re all out to get me. Just like the last place.
• I CANNOT WIN!
• Still kind of thirsty.
• That place looks nice. I'll try there.

What’s Up With… Coloured Tampons?

1. No one else sees your tampon so they can’t admire your fashion sense or bold choice of colours.
2. They all end up the same colour in the end.

A Strange Sight

So I was at the RNB SUPERCLUUUUUB tonight when I saw something strange.

It was a chick dancing (sexily) with an ugly chick that looked like a guy that looked like her cousin.

Current Mood: In The Studio

HOLY CRAP I DON’T BELIEVE IT!

I’ve just been signed to my friends online record label!

I’m so fucking happy that after all of the hard work I put in the rewards are starting to come through.

I probably won’t ever blog again because I’m going to be in the studio most of my free time, working on my debut album, “It’s Like a Word Jumble Sometimes It Makes Me Wonder (What The Answer Is)”. It will be available for download or on CDR in a month.

I’ll post my Myspace link up soon. All the latest news and tracks will be available there.

Shopping Tales

You’ve all seen those ads on TV where a dude (possibly liquored up) yells about insane rug prices on sale. Well last weekend I finally gave in and attended one of the big rug sales I saw advertised on TV.

I thought I would be totally stoked with savings and come home with millions of rugs under my arm. But the place was chock full of fucking shit rugs. They were so bad my shopping companion and I just walked around saying “there’s a shrug, there’s another. Look out! It’s a shrug!” and shrugging at the awful selection on show.


Theme music: Public Enemy – Don’t Believe The Hype

In Dean Jones’ Defence…

He does look a BIT like a terrorist…



Facts:
- Both have beards.
- Both hated by America. One for bombing it, the other for playing a sport as shit as cricket.
- Both male.

FYI

I’m not looking at you like that because I’m interested in you. I’m just wondering what you look like getting fucked.

FYI

Sign On The Dotted Line

Language is truly universal.

Sign makers can still speak to deaf people, even though their sign languages are COMPLETELY different.

Insight

When out and about I often type random thoughts into my phone for later reference (I have a poor memory {really? OMG Jobe I am not attracted to you anymore)). Many of them become these blog posts that you see before your very eyes.

But sometimes I’m in a rush and I only have time to write a couple of words, hoping that will be enough to spark my memory.

Often, it is not.

I still don’t know what I meant by the following messages:
“Ask him about a Prince”
“Holla holy water”
“Bananas” <--topical!
“It won’t fit”

I don’t want to delete them though. Could be the source of much hilarity. Or meant for one of my other blogs…

Songs (of Love)… By Jobe

I think I might release an album full of awesome, dancey, love songs that girls will not be able to get enough of. I will call this album “Pregnant” because it will lead to many hilarious situations.

“I’d get anything for you, babe.”
“Will you get me ‘Pregnant’? I want you to get me ‘Pregnant’.”
“I dunno LOL”

“I got ‘Pregnant’ in my car.”

“Man I’m really trying to get ‘Pregnant’. No matter how hard I look I just can’t seem to get ‘Pregnant’.”

And so on.

Or maybe I won’t. I’m a creative sort of dude. If I spend more than 10 seconds thinking about the subject I could probably think of a much better name. More appropriate too, probably.

Tha Dictionary Code

Significant
Sign.if.i.cant
Significant

HOLY CRAP WHAT HAVE I DISCOVERED?

The Road To Raw

The last one for a while.

So I ended up in prison today after a hilarious series of accidents and mistaken identities (don’t ask, LOL). Did you know that in prison they do this thing with the new people (they call them “fish”) where they line them up and the more senior inmates take turns in picking one to take back to their cell and sodomise.

I didn’t get picked. Which was good, because my understanding of sodomy is that it hurts, even if you do it right. But at the same time I was pretty sad because no one wants to feel left out. I’m really self-conscious and I started wondering what was wrong with me. I really would have liked the validation that came from being breached by a senior inmate.

*sigh*

Oh well.

Meh. Played.

I try to avoid getting an erection in the shower because it just creates extra skin for me to clean.

But, yea, it's pretty difficult because my fetish is having a flaccid penis.

"I like the boy" - Bert Newton.

The only way I'd spend a lot of money on my girlfriend is if there was a product called 'My Girlfriend' that was basically an Xbox 360 with tits and spoilers.

The idea is okay, execution is very poor.

It would be cool to be a Siamese twin if your twin was of the opposite sex and extremely hot.

Good luck trying to escape.

Another page from jobe's 'Book of Wrong'

Last night I had a wet dream.

I was at my favourite theme park, Wet n Wild, swimming, when all of a sudden this really hot chick comes over, sweaty from the heat. She pushed me under the water, pulled me out of the wave pool, pissed on me, spat on me, threw a bucket of water on me, and then I totally came.

I thought the more recent ones were better? Just goes to show you...

I think they could bring back conscription if they made getting picked for the war more fun, like a reality TV show where the best contestants go through first.

It'd be hell emotional when your favourites died in battle. But they would play a touching montage of them during the show.

Oooooo scathing comments on society today. Ie shit.


Argh. So shit there, Jobe. You need to be FUNNIER.

Quick Post

This is a quick post to let you know that some of tonight's posts will be a bit "blue" because I have drunk a little bit.

Shut up it's not a Tuesday night.

Bonus!

So I got my bonus at work today.

What bonus have I gotten from this blog?

SHIT ALL!

Way to fucken convince me to stay.

Piece of shit.

But I'm not bitter. Oh no. Way day I may leave for a better blog. Don't think I won't keep you happy to ask you for a reference. DON'T EVEN THINK.

More Torn-er Than Natalie Imbruglia

Maaaaan Keeks and Stephybear are fighting. It's like my friends and my girlfriend don't get along.

This is so bad.

This will only cause problems down the track. I'll have to take sides. And how can you choose between love and love? (<--rhetorical question. You cannot)

I'm just so stuck. They don't see the effect this has on ME. Why can't they just get along? All my other friends like her. Why not Keeks? Oh man...

The Recipe

Someone came to this blog after searching for:

How to treat a woman funny

They even had the dramatic pause in there.

But I digress. Do you know how lucky that person is they found my blog? Let me tell you: very! Because I am pretty much the God of treating women funny.

Here's what you need to know:

• Women like to be surprised. Don't stagnate. When considering what to do, always do the exact opposite of what she would expect. After a while do the exact opposite of that. And then after another while longer just make sure everything you do involves boxes.
• Tell the woman she looks funny. Not strange funny, but ha ha funny. Women like being told they have a sense of humour.
• When in the bedroom surprise her with waves of emotion. Go from minute to minute acting like you are completely in love with her, then suddenly turn cold and lose your erection. Blame her for losing your erection.

The Road To Raw

Here come some brand new flava for ya eeeeeeyes:

Girls are fickle. This one girl broke up with me because I said I wanted her so much that I felt the urge to eat her skin, wait for it to grow back and eat it again, then keep doing that so her body can no longer produce skin and then go out with her bloodied body and people would say, “Hey, you can do better,” and “she is fat, because she has no skin so cannot be skinny,” and I’d say that I wasn’t interested because I already have the best girl.

Tough call on this one.

When I go to high-powered business meetings and there is a person there that I do not know wearing gloves, I like to introduce myself by saying, "Hi, glovely to meet you."

Haha fucking brilliant.

A lot of cults fail because they promise a lot but don’t deliver. I reckon I would be a fantastic cult leader. Apart from being charismatic enough to attract many followers (with a keyboard), I think I have the perfect plan.

- Promise to take them to a new paradisic island planet.
- Take people’s money. (also be a sex cult to attract rich computer nerds who will pay a lot to have sex if they don’t think it is prostitution)
- Buy island.
- Prepare people for magical voyage.
- Blindfold people and cover with box of earmuffs.
- Admit drugs that will make them pass out for length of journey +1 day. Tell them it is so they adjust to the alien atmosphere (or some shit).
- Place in ship container.
- BoatDrive to island.
- Place people there.
- Reap praise of being a cult leader who delivers.

This needs to be totally rewritten but I like the idea and... the possibilities.

So I have to be honest with you guys. A lot of you are wondering how a dude like me, a self-proclaimed chubby ugger, can bag so many ladies on a constant basis.

I'll be completely up front with you on this. I don't get by on my looks, my money, my car, my skills in bed or my infallible humour. I "have" so many hotbabes because of the pick-up line I employ.

LET ME SET THE SCENE LIKE A WAITER SET A TABLE

I pick out a hotbabe I'm interested in (purely physical), stroll up, get in close, whisper in her ear the following:

"If you don't have sex with me I will molest a baby."

Works every time!

Now calm down! Calm! Down! Nwod mlac! Are we ready to proceed? Okay. It's not a bad thing! Not go freaking out on me man, it was just a little acid. The babies are too young to remember any of it so it's okay. They have no idea what's going on.

After being tightened up a bit this will go well with my paedo humour.

So I’m chillin at work the other day when this hotbabe is all “you’ve got a great phone voice. I’ve been listening to you.” Yea no shit hey, try telling me something I DONT know (“Jobe, you’re not handsome, LOL. JK U R”).

Anyway, the point is that another of the hotbabes in the office caught onto this conversation and said that I have a genuine voice and that she would believe me if I lied to her on the phone. I called her extension and told her I would respect her in the morning.

Long story short, she found out the truth in the morning yesterday, when I told her to fuck off to wherever she came from (work?) and rolled over.

Argh! Stupid women! I just hate them so much. Why do they always pick the arseholes and not a nice guy like me? I'm so lonely.

Mmmmmaybe.

Can an impotent, but difficult, maths equation claim to be “hard” in front of his wannabe gangsta friends with their WRXs and baggy pants?

Wow Jobe! That is a good question!

A Conversation

Girl: So where are we going this weekend, babe?
Boy: The sky.
Girl: The sky?
Boy: Uh huh.
*the Boy, distracted, is drawing a picture*
Girl: Is this another one of your bullshit metaphors?
Boy: No. We’re going to the sky.
Girl: Why?
Boy: The dodgem cars.
Girl: The dodgem cars?
Boy: The dodgem cars in the sky.
Girl: Right.
*the Boy takes his attention off his drawing to shoot an affectionate smile at the girl*



UPDATE: And a good time was had by all. At the dodgem cars. In the sky.

Al Green with Envy

At work we have a sort of "in-office" radio station that they broadcast through the building. The problem is that in order to please everyone the music selection is completely wack.

However, lately I noticed a strange phenominona (it's a word, look it up).

While the variety (of crap) has increased, so to has the frequency that Al Green is played. In the last 3 days I have noticed those familiar tones no less than 5 times. And that's just what I've managed to hear!

I like Al Green, but is Al Green really that good if he is selected amongst the rest of the inoffensive crap?

I'm just really insecure about my taste in music right now.

Can't Blog Right Now...

I found an MP3 of CocoRosie's cover of Kevin Little's 'Turn Me On'.

I'm gonna be in my room for a while. Alone.

Separated at Birth?

More Like… El Wacko

To the producers of El Maco,

Hi!

I tried your El Maco burger last night while adventuring in the city. As a child I have very fond memories of the Mexican meal at McDonalds where you could get an El Maco and those delightful shaker fries. The combination of flavours was nothing short of inspired.

So last night I was filled with excitement at the prospect of trying the El Maco again. It was sans shaker fries but I didn’t really mind. I was there for the love of the burger.

However imagine when my childhood memories were raped by the large, overpowering, sweaty, heaving man that is your new interpretation of the El Maco.

Where was the sour crème? What was with that one, small, sad piece of tomato? Why was it of cheeseburger proportions? What was with that stripe in the middle of the bun? That robbed me of bun and sesame seeds!

I’m disappointed. That’s all I have to say.