The Road To Raw

As September arrives it is time for us to relive the month that was July on our path to Raw. Surprisingly, it was actually a good month for laughs so I'll have to split the highlights up into a few posts.

Fucking cunts shit me to no end. That’s today’s news.

Pardon my French.

Allez vous parallelogram.

A quick pun that I will probably use.

Check out my new mixtape coming soon.

It's a mixtape of other mixtapes I like.

I like the idea of a mixtape made from other mixtapes. Can you imagine it? Only rap fans will get it, probably.

Thank you is old and meaningless.

If I want to show my gratitude to someone, I’ll give them a snowball kiss.

lol, gross.

I have a really fucked up imagination. That’s why I like girls who dress like sluts. Otherwise I picture all sorts of crazy shit hidden beneath their clothing.

This is 90% in.

During high school I was having a few troubles with the ladies (hard to believe), so I got a slutty, but convincing, female friend of mine to tell other girls that I gave amazing head. So good that I almost killed a girl at a sex party she saw me at because the head was so good the girl dehydrated pretty badly.

But not long after she got really fucked up on ice or some shit and started forgetting what was true and what wasn’t. The bitch thought the false rumour was actually true and she got all freaked out, thinking she was friends with this guy who almost murdered a chick. And her being slut, of course she was at risk if we ever did it. Eventually she went to the cops and told them the whole story.

They started a full investigation because this other chick at school died around the same time due to suspicious circumstances. They did an autopsy and found the chick died from meningococcal, so I was off the hook. But, gee, what an inconvenience.

Hmmmmm

Lately I’ve been trying to grow a beard. But it’s much harder than I thought because I’m growing it on someone else.

I have to make sure he doesn’t cut it off and ruin all of the good progress. “No, don’t shave it. It looks great! I heard a girl say she likes guys with beards.”

This is IN (pending rewrite).

Beating alcohol is a twelve-step process.

They should make it easier because I don’t think I’m the only person that finds stepping and steps difficult when drunk. Twelve steps represents a nasty tripping potential.

Other things that can be done to overcome alcohol:


12 cheeseburgers at 5am process
12 regretful lays process
12 falls into a shrub process
I dunno… think about it.

Needs to be rewritten and shortened. Potential. This joke is the library chick with glasses in teen movies that will later become hot.

Musings on Music

Two things.

Firstly (lol, Jobe, are you following a formal structure/language for this post? It does not suit you), I discovered that a Sydney band exists named 'A Squid Eating Dough in a Polythylene Bag is Fast and Bulbous', which I think is just great.

Their music is quite crap but they disguise it well (with a good name).

Secondly (lol, I knew it), I don't normally go on about musicals I am in love with but if you do not check out The Blood Arm and like them I may not be your friend. You can download their new clip on the website. It features girls and hair and girls with hair and other accessories. I'm tipping their upcoming album to be the most important album to be released since 'OK Computer'.

Icey

Either my eyesight is getting worse or people are becoming, on average, blurrier.

We Call Him Hansy Pansy

I once knew this dude named Hans.

I don’t think he was German. Maybe his parents just like deli meats.

Accessor-eyes

I know, I know, clothing is a matured market. No one can enter it without a killer strategy and amazing resources to back them up. To do otherwise is to head for certain failure.

But I have something good. I have something incredible. I have… an idea.

What is always hot: accessories.

What is currently sitting unaccessorised: fucking… eyes

I have developed clothing for eyes.

Fuck it’s good.

{{The Count}}

10

Friday

Friday is over-exaggerated movement day.

Happy over-exaggerated movement day!

*flails*

GET. IN (THE SPIRIIIIIIIT) <-- Not a barcode.

The Road To Raw

Today I am going to watch Ricky Gervais’ ‘Politics’ show. This may give me some clues.

Wish me luck!

OR

Save the fucking cheetahs.

MULTIPLE CHOICE!

Honest2Goodness

I was at a record store today, pretending to be John Cusack (Do I have soul? LOL. Pretends on the day), rifling through some records. Rifling with me (no homo) was a kid of young appearance.

Out of nowhere, he pulled out Honest2Goodness’ debut LP, ‘Love4Life’. I was stunned! There are only a few copies of that left in the world.

He quickly said ‘what is this shit?’ and put it away, but man there was a moment.

Quick Post

This is a quick post to let you know that I know things haven’t been funny lately and I’m looking into the matter as we speak.

Gosh!

I was reading my good buddy Dave Mack’s blog today when he made a post saying that he is yet to organise anything for his approaching birthday.

At first I was all “haha fuck you Dave Mack you are so ill prepared at birthdays/ life/ OXFAM walks”. But then I was GRIPPED with HORROR as I recalled that we share the same birthday and I have not organised anything for my birthday.

I suppose I could have a sausage party OR MAYBE A SUPER COOL BLOG PARTY or maybe I could do nothing.

Tough call. But whatever I do it has to be about 3 times better than whatever Dave Mack does. Because.

Not How It Works

I was on the train today, travelling and shit, when this lady sneezed.

Now don’t even think this will be one of those blog posts where the lady sneezed on me (omg Jobe you do so many of them!)!

After she sneezed she said “bless me”.

...

?

But…

Was it a suggestion? A request? Where was the “please”? Is she trying to send a message out to guys (she didn’t have a ring on) that she can take care of herself and doesn’t need their blessing/man love?

I’m a bit shaken up about it.

Once a Cumslut, Always a Cumslut

I shared my story in this post from earlier this year, thinking that would be the end of it. I had exercised a lot of demons/abs and thought I could go on and live a normal life.

I straightened myself up and got a real job. It’s not much, but it’s an honest living.

Then, a miracle. I met a boy. A really nice boy. The Boy. One that wasn’t only into me for my ability to be able to swallow mouthfuls of hot, sticky cum at a time. No, he liked me for me.

Instead of doing what I used to do and sucking his essence out of his penis, we took things slow. We went on actual dates to the movies and to dinner. And when we’d go for a drive it never ended in a seedy parking lot, him unzipping his pants, commanding me to do what the fuck I do best.

It was nice.

But something inside me wasn’t fixed. There was still a little cumslut deep inside of me. When I’d walk past a dark alley at night I’d feel a gravitational pull towards it and my mouth would water.

The other night I fucked up big time. The Boy was busy and couldn’t go out. I wanted to dance so I went to a club myself. I got drunk, really drunk. Some random guy took me home. It was clear what he wanted from me. I didn’t mind, I actually wanted it. The part of me that loved having guys beg for attention took over and I made this arsehole come harder than he ever has before.

But since then I haven’t been able to speak to The Boy. He’s so sweet. I just can’t lie to him. I can’t lose him.

Talib Kweli’s Black Girl Pain

Ey, who sings the chorus for this? Help a brother out.

300aire

I just checked my Easyways loyalty card balance and I’m almost up to my 300th drink.

I wonder if I should get a special drink to mark the occasion.

Tuesdays on Saturdays at Sundays

I want to start a club called Sunday’s and have an even on Saturday night’s called ‘Tuesdays”.

My business strategy would be “confuse people, make little money”.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice

Rhetorical question, it would be.

I got my computer back today. No more dodgy connections on the laptop/ deliberately logging in and out to get Malady’s attention.

LET’S GET INTO IT!

Party At My House

Today some dudes came to my house and put new lights in my room. Instead of awful fluorescent shits I now have this orangey-red light that has—yes, wait for it—a fucking dimmer.

So do you wanna totally get blind and screw around (no homo/inhibitions/rubber)?

Fucking Christians

I’m not a cunt, I just really want to fuck a Christian who has made a promise to God and themselves to wait until marriage. I want to fuck her so bad she regrets it straight away and it will take years of bible reading to get her back to normal.

I’d even fuck a Christian guy if it would cause more damage.

That’ll teach em.

Frenchy I’m Faking

Today I found out that I know someone French. All my male life I have wanted to know someone French (Joooooobe, get to the pooooooint), thinking they are the bastions of sexuality.

The one I know couldn’t possibly be less attractive.

My world is currently aspin.

The People (Have Spoken)

Today someone came to the blog after searching Google for 'STD Porn'.

Awesome.

Random Thoughts While At The Casino

• I love that fountain.
• Fucking arsehole. It’s not a stupid idea to have people constantly frolicking in said fountain.
• Hmmm I don’t really want to bet yet, I’ll just watch him.
• Oh, his money is already gone. That was very quick.
• I guess we’re going to find a game for me to play now.
• I wonder if there are any hookers around.
• Hold up! That hotbabe smiled at me: prostitute.
• Gosh, there are a lot of people playing poker. I wish it wasn’t so popular so I could actually find a fucking place.
• Oh I don’t understand their stupid rules. I’ll just play the game that he lost his money on before.
• This game is confusing.
• I am the certified fucking champion of breaking even at this game.
• Uh oh. He almost lost the rest of his money, that’s all he brought. I should bet more so we finish at the same time. I wouldn’t want to be rude.
• Dammit. Can’t lose. Breaking even.
• He’s lost all his money again. I’ll try to wrap it up.
• Dammit. Can’t lose. Breaking even.
• Ooo another prostitute.
• Whoops, sorry, yes I’ll hit thanks mate. Sorry for being distracted.
• I’ll stand on this if I fucking want. I don’t care what you NORMALLY do.
• Ha! You busted you stupid dealer fuck! Give me my money.
• What do you mean I can’t call the dealer that?
• Sorry…
• Breaking even is boring. I think I might count my loses winnings and leave.
• Damn people playing poker. I wanted to play and take their money.
• I could always just play on the net and wear nothing but leopardskin tracksuit pants.
• Mmmmm endangered species.
• I hope they’ve saved the cheetahs by the time I get back.
  

The Colgate Index

Lately I’ve taken to playing the stock market with my teeth.

I suppose it’s a bit of a waste of money.