Ima Scurrrrred

First Steve Irwin, now Peter Brock. As a white, male, Australian celebrity I am so fucking scared right now (lol, as if there would be a black Male celebrity).

Want to know what I’m wearing right now?

Go ahead, guess!

I am wearing non-flammable clothes! Can you believe it? Normally I wear flammable shirts since I don’t care about death. But right now…

There are so many hotbabes still left to bang and defecate on. This cannot be happening.

I’m mostly scared of nature. Irwin copped a fish, Brock met a tree. Now that flora and fauna are out of the equation SLASH mix I am worried about the weather and also sports injuries.

Tonight I'm going to wrap myself in blankets and Georgie Parkers in the hopes of avoiding death.

Punch Me, I’m Crazy About Punch

Fuck, I just cannot stop making punch right about now.

Talk about heaven’s nectar and shit.

Keep me away from your god damn fruit juices.

Rock Hard

Passing out in public is really fucking bad for your social status. I have literally lost count of the amount of times I have passed out in Sydney. Mostly because I can’t really remember when it has happened.

Anyway… to combat this problem I think that before going out for a big night on the piss I will paint myself like a statue. My theory is that I can look like one of those statue performers that congregate around Circular Quay (lol, is that their Mecca?) and instead of looking like a dick, I will look like an accomplished performer and people will pay me.

FYI

The wedding is off (again).

FYI

You Can’t Drop Science, You’re Dumb

On my bottle of mouthwash it says “clinically tested in laboratories by dentists”.

Fair claim.

Or is it? (oh shit Jobe is injecting doubt. What his argument come together now! Come on guys, watch!)

Sure dentists know a lot about teeth, that is a given (oh wow here comes the punch…. Jobe is the MASTER). But what do they know about scientifically testing shit?

The following claims would be better

• Clinically tested by dentists (who were observed by experienced scientists)
• Clinically tested by scientists

No Means On

In reverse…

Free Willy 4: The Cockblock

A lot of people don’t know this about me but I have a Free Willy. I befriended him a while ago when he was in captivity and, long story short, released him.

Last summer I was trying to impress this girl I was going out with. She was sort of out of my league and I was running out of ways to show off to her. I decided to take a trip to show her my Free Willy. After some convincing she decided to come. It wasn’t easy. She was a model and hated the idea of nature and getting dirty.

On the second day there I took her out on the boat to where I usually saw my Free Willy: Whale Cove (it’s native for ‘Cove of the Whales’). I took my harmonica out of my pocket (the girl was a bit shocked to see it) and play the special song I had written for my Free Willy, “Like a Rolling Stone”.

My Free Willy popped up out of the water and said hey, what’s up and rolled onto his back. The chick was fucking LOVING IT. I was so going to score that night (back at the log cabin?).

But then the faggot ruined everything.

My Free Willy splashed her in a playful manner. It went all over her. Including in her hair and not limited to her expensive hair. She HATED getting wet and got mad pissy. She yelled at me and forced me to take her home.

We never spoke again.

The Female Eunuch (Isn’t Ticklish)

I’ve heard that female feminists aren’t ticklish.

It has something to do with their hardened skin or how they love sleeping with other chicks or something.

Not sure. I’ll get back to you. Just a heads up for now. Although, if you see any female feminists, try and tickle them.

I’ll Glass Ya, Cunt!

I reckon I’d be more than happy living in a house made of glass. It would be super hot in winter when I could throw mad parties and we could fog the house up with laughter and good vibes.

Although it would suck because I really love throwing stones in my leisure time. I might need to find a new hobby. Wine?

Edward Speculumhands

Man, for the brief period in the early 90’s when my hands were replaced with speculums (lol, fuck puberty) chicks totally ignored me.

It was terrible.

I’m Staring At You ATM At The ATM

If you look around aimlessly and avoid eye contact you automatically look shifty and, possible, up to no good. Fact of life. Don't even try to argue it. What are you doing? No. You cannot win.

When someone is using the ATM it can be deadly to avoid eye contact and THEREFORE look suspicious. They might think you’re about to rob them and get crazy mad violent stylistics!

That’s why when I’m in line at the ATM I just stare at the person using it. Just to let him or her know that I am NOT a threat.

Spice (of life/girl)

Guys, the blog is getting a bit boring. I think I need to use an original comedy style to spice things up, like observational humour that isn’t funny.

“Saw a man the other day... out walking his dog...”

It’s not perfect yet.

I’ll Be a Billionaire

Has anyone invented left-handed shirts? You know, with the buttons and holes on opposite sides to normal...

Even if they have they will not make them as NICE as me. I am driven towards this goal.

Say Hi!

I think someone wants to say hi to you!

It’s my dog.

No, it cannot talk or use alternative means of communication.

So I guess I was just assuming...

The Road To Raw

I’m not normally into group sex but I think I’d have sex with both of the actresses who played Becky Conner in “Roseanne” at the same time.

That’s right, Sarah Chalke AND Lecy Goranson AT THE SAME TIME.

They’d let me refer to them as “The Beckies” (eg “yea, lick the balls, The Beckies”) and it would be awesome/a bit sticky.

OMG obscure AND not funny. Jackpot!

My girlfriend looks so fucking cute when she eats. I’m always thinking of excuses I can use to get her to eat something so I can watch.

She’s getting a bit fat though so I might dump her. It’s just hard to see someone as cute when they don’t care about their body. It's like she doesn't even know what she's doing to herself.

Stupid fat girls.

Today I saw a lady fall down the escalator. It was like seeing someone fall down the stairs. But faster.

lol

“You think that’s bad: I used to go out with a girl who couldn’t feel her face.”

Oh.

Wait… huh?

“She couldn’t feel her face.”

Why?

“Well she had no hands.”

Why wouldn’t you just say you used to go out with a girl who had no hands?

“I dunno…”

I forgot why this was funny

So tonight I made a chick come. We were going for drinks and she didn’t really want to join us but I convinced her to come.

I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I mean, yea, she came and had a good time so she probably enjoyed it, but I didn’t get any sort of pleasure from it.

And what’s with some people saying that it’s hard to make girls come? She came pretty easily when I pointed out the benefits. Although I guess maybe some girls come easier than others. Probably depends on the guy too, since not everyone would have negotiation skills as good as me.

Played but funny.

Grocery Shopping (For Love)

Paper bags are more romantic than their plastic brothers.

They should have them in Australia.

I think it is this fact that is holding me back from scoring mad hotbabe action.

Mental Note

The dog bit your finger when you fed it some cream, instead of licking it.

In case you get the idea of putting honey on your balls and getting it to lick you… remember this and consider the repercussions.

{{Mental note}}

Dealing With Hotbabes 101

Last night there was a fuckup with the train I was on. They decided to kick everyone off and bring a bus. While waiting for this bus with the scum of society, I notice a dude of mid-30’s appearance saying random shit to a group of girls near him. He literally just said anything that popped into his head.

Eventually he moved on to a cute blonde piece that was closer to his age. He wouldn’t stop saying shit to her. I could tell she was uncomfortable.

When the bus cam I found myself sitting opposite her. I was tempted to say “do randoms often come up to you and say stupid shit?”

But that would just make things worse for her.

This Is How You Eat An Oreo/ Write a Lame Blog

“Do you have cookies enable?”

A homeless IT worker asking for food.

The Road To Raw

Part two of three from July's posts.

When I die I want to be buried 7 feet under. That way no one will ever find me.

I'll secret put an empty coffin 6 feet under too, as a decoy coffin. Well it won't be ME that puts the decoy coffin there because I'll be dead, but you get the idea.

When this was posted I remember OJ said that anyone buried that deep goes to pergatory. OJ is a smart dude so he is probably right. Is this correct? I don't want to do the joke if that is the case.

People think it’s easy being me but it’s really hard.

Though not as hard as having to tell someone they’re dying, I guess. If I was a doctor I’d practise on people who weren’t dying, just to get it right.

“You’re dying, lol (<--can’t keep a straight face when being serious).”
“But I only came in with a cold.”
“Yea…. *sigh* Must be quite a shock.”
“OMG This cannot be happening *tears*!”
“It’s not I was only practising.”
“LOL. Funny. Had me going for a second. Punk’d etc.”

Hard to translate to the spoken form but I think it's good for a laugh.

When I was younger (ie yesterday) I got in a fight with a tennis coach.

I kicked him in his balls. They went everywhere. He must have spent about 10 minutes picking them all up.

How inconvenient!

The other night I accidentally had sex with this chick against her will.

We were both going for it on her desk for a while until she got all pissy at me and started saying things like “no... wait… stop” but I was into it and couldn’t really stop. She tried to struggle but I’m pretty big.

After I finished and rolled off her she slapped me and called me an arsehole. Turns out we were having sex on top of some documents she was preparing for her will and when we had sex she was rubbing up against the will and it was really uncomfortable and the documents got damaged.

Haha take THAT!

I think if I was a serial killer I would kill only agoraphobics because they can’t run outside when you chase them to kill them, and that makes it all MUCH easier.

Plus no one would look for them for a while, because agoraphobics have very few friends and they would not think something is “up” (LOL, rappers) if the person didn’t go outside for a long time.

I would be nicknamed the Shut-In Slasher.

For a second I was worried I wouldn't be able to do this joke because there may be some agoraphobics who will be offended. But then I remembered...

I’ve got the friend staying with me who is sort of depressed at the moment. He just mopes around the house and if I didn’t force him to he’d probably forget to eat.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to detox his system for him. So far I’ve cut all canned and processed foods out of his system and I’m feeding him a lot of grains and nuts.

He doesn’t really seem happier. Yet.

I like this, I don't think anyone else does.

Fucking Sluts and Horse

So last night I sexually and emotionally bonded with this delightful girl (not Steph, lol). We had great fun joking around and we had a lot of similar interests.

I remember at one point thinking that she was fucking gorgeous, despite her face which looked a little like a horse.

But then I stopped.

What if I was attracted to her BECAUSE she looked a little like a horse? Was I just acting out my desire to fuck horses with her?

I got scared and left abruptly.