No Joke

The weather was lovely yesterday. I had a good feeling going on while travelling to work, listening to Neutral Milk Hotel.

No joke.

We Have Feelings Too

I used to go to emo music concerts and smile, hoping to piss off some kids because smiling isn’t “scene” enough.

But then I realised that happiness is an emotion too and I was just fitting in the whole time. They looked at me like they hated me for some other reason…

Mistaken Identitree

I barked up the wrong tree the other day.

It was really embarrassing because a hotbabe was watching.

“What are you barking at, lol?”

Burglarific

I take 2 showers a day.

My thief colleagues think it’s a strange thing to steal. But they’ll see. One day.

Regrets

People say you shouldn’t have sex with someone who is stalking you because it encourages them and they might go crazy on you. But stalkers need love to.

Think about that before saying ‘no’ to your stalker.

Ima Roast The Bitch

I saw a goat the other week.

She was hot and steamy and moist and I ate her out and she came right off the bone and her juices dribbled down my chin and my chin became sticky and it was sticky until I cleaned it with some soapy water.

I’m in love.

I want to have her kids.

AHHHHH Y2K!!!!

AHHHHH!!!!

{{Y2K}}

Sort of Cool

The number 1 result on Google for "suss jokes" is this lovely website.

Gone Fishing

I went fishing up the coast last weekend with some buddies. It was towards the end of our second and final day there when we found a little spot on the river that we hadn’t tried before. At that point our luck had been pretty poor. We caught a couple of fish but they were too small to keep.

So we’re sitting in the boat, lamenting our shit weekend (it was a sheekend), when ,out of nowhere, a fish flies into the boat. We all sit there, watching it flap around in the boat, wondering what the hell just happened. Before we can say anything, another one comes shooting out of the water and lands straight into our boat. Before we know it fish are coming from everywhere and landing in the middle of out boat.

Eventually it stopped, presumably because the river had been emptied of fish. We were talking about how awesome it all was, but then it hit me: what the fuck were we going to do with all these fish?

Such a sheekend...

Hip Hop Elementary School

The 5th element of hop hop is wordplay with the name of your city.

On Literature

I prefer short stories over novels, because I like to hedge my bets.

FYI - Don't Date a Flautist

“I love flutes.”
“Oh, that’s nice.”
“No, I REALLY live flutes.”
“Yea... you’re a flautist. I get it.”
“I’d love to see your FLUTE and BLOW it.”
“I don’t have one, I don’t play the flute.”
“I want to perform oral sex on you.”
“WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM? Do you always just offer sex when you feel a date isn’t going fell? Fucking slut.”
“But...”
“No! Get the fuck out of my bed!”


FYI - Don't Date a Flautist

Estelle Getty Revenge Lays and Writes Me a Letter To Inform Me of This

Estelle Getty, that fucking bitch. I left her a while ago and that was all good. I thought she was out of my life for good.

Today I go to my letterbox and I see a pink envelope that smelled like musk sticks (her scent).

I open it up--dispite my women’s intuition telling me not to--and see pictures of Estelle Getty getting fucked by Laurence Fishburne. On the back she scrawled “he was better than you ever were”.

FUCKING BITCH

FUCKING LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Follow-Up

Going back to this post...

It appears that is acceptable, but only if the tone is correct and sort of funny.

It also helps if you bounce a bit when you say it to show you are energetic and good fun.

Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon

But when depends on your definition of ‘woman’.

I don’t really have a response so you should probably go.

A Guide: So You’re An Uglybabe and Want To Approach Me

Hi ugly person. So you’re an uglybabe and want to approach me in the food court during my lunch hour and don’t know how. Just follow these eight easy pointers and you’ll be fine!

1. Linger for ages. This will let me know that you want me to initiate conversation with you.
2. If lingering doesn’t work, say hi. Or, better yet, ask me how much lunch was.
3. Converse. Why not start speaking to me about things? Examples include where I work, what I am drinking and what you are doing with your life.
4. Don’t come on too strong. Don’t laugh at my jokes and seem a little confused at times. That will keep me interested.
5. Diss taro. Hey, I only love taro milk teas. If you want to get “in” with me, say they taste funny.
6. Look disappointed. If I have to go, look sad and shocked.
7. Be thankful for the experience. If I say “Okay fuck off now, [your name]” don’t be sad. I was paying attention and took note of your name. Happy day!
8. There are really only seven pointers, but I didn’t want to make it come off like I was trying to make the list “lucky” by limiting it to seven entries.

A Taste of My Own Medicine

Oh, wow, this is awesome! My best batch yet.

The sugar/codeine makes all the difference!

Best Birthday Ever

Gosh today was a good birthday. Everyone was so nice.

Also happy birthday to Dave Mack, my friend who is exactly one year younger but no less of a man.

Out of My Depth and Drowning

When I get wasted at parties I call people by the celebrity they resemble most.

This really backfires when I go to celebrity parties.

“Hi, slightly hotter Naomi Robson!”
“Hello Jobe. Thankyou for the compliment.”

I Thank People

On this day, I like to reflect and give thanks to people who have aided my development over the years.

One of these was the kindly PE teacher who would poke his head in his office when I was getting changed (I didn’t like getting changed with the other boys so he let me change there), bite his lip and say, “you’re growing into quite a man, Jobe. Yes… quite a man indeed.”

It’s good to have someone looking out for you.

Diary Excerpt: September 12, 2006

“It started with a crower.”

Nice “Tie”

Lately I’ve been tying my tie ironically.

It really sticks it to the man (who makes me wears ties) and also makes boys notice me.

I’m Eating My Stylist

Needs more sauce.

I’m Dating My Stylist

On the plus side we have a good relationship and he now styles me with an intimate touch that brings out my hidden features that he has discovered.

On the other hand he finds it hard to know when I look bad, since he loves my faults.

I really need to fucking get out of this relationship, for the good of my image.

Giving Birth(days the flick)

I used to hate birthdays because they represented the day when it was the longest possible time until the next birthday. Oh how I loved them, but the wait was agony.

Then I grew to love birthdays again, because it was the longest possible time until I’d have to sit through another.

Pacey, Dawson Asked Me To The Prom

I have a lot of trouble keeping an even pace when I walk.

It really pisses my girlfriend off. She thinks I’m trying to lose her.

Georgia, We Meet Again

I’m a pretty chilled guy, except when it comes to my arch-nemesis: The Country of Georgia.

It shits me to tears (constipated?).

Anyway, tonight I’m watching this documentary on pretty much my favourite area of virus treatment, phages, when they visit The Country of Georgia and start going on about how fucking great The Country of Georgia is, despite it’s limited resources.

But then it hit me, phages are the fucking future of medicine, yet The Country of Georgia is, like, phage-city. If I ever need treatment I bet it would be something that can ONLY be treated with the soft, gentle hands of phage therapy (ie heartbreak).

I’d be stuck with the impossible decision of dying or crawling on my knees to The Country of Georgia, begging for some phage and a dash of mercy plus sugar if they are generous.

Golden Showers

I haven’t showered for three days. Because anything longer than 30 minutes and I’m afraid of getting unattractively wrinkled skin.

A Confession

Guys, we’ve been together for quite a long time now. Before we go any further I think it’s important for me to be honest and share something from my past.

Please, take a seat.

A few years ago, before we met and before I started blogging, I spent some time in an institution after I stalked a hotbabe with a bit too much determination.

I mean, I’ve learnt my lesson and that’s all in the past, but I felt I needed to tell you guys.

Will you still read/lust after me?