The Theory of Relativity

If I made a touching romantic comedy (a la Sideways) about Albert Einstein in a sexual relationship with his sister, I would name it “The Theory of Relativity”.

“Hey, Freddy. Still working hard I see.”
“Yep.”
“I brought you some tea and oysters Kilpatrick.”
“Thanks sis. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
*slurp*
“You know, Al, you should really get out there and meet some new people. A girlfriend would cheer you right up and a good fuck might clear your head.”
“Aw sis. I don’t want to go anywhere. And I have the most amazing, beautiful girl right here. *slurp* And she makes a great oysters Kilpatrick!”

Order of the Day

“Chicken salt with your chips?”

“Nope, just regular salt… Human salt…”

Jobe Exposed!

Can I just say, fuck a certain Sydney newspaper that sent a reporter to expose the real me.

This blog was supposed to be anonymous.

And also fuck you for photographing me while I was eating, making me look like a total fatty.

Crappy Dinner Tonight

It was a crinner, not a winner.

Strange

Someone came to the site today searching for "kiki, steph, threesome".

Yes, I was the top match.

What Would Freud Say?

Last night two things happened in my dream:

1) I performed oral sex on myself. It wasn't that good. Is that what all those girls had to go through for me? Gosh...

2) I went to the slums to have sex with a poor girl. After leaving I was approached by a young man wearing all blue, demanding my money. I said no, he pulled out a gun and asked me to reconsider. The thing was... his gun was in a blue oven mit that had a teddy bear on it.

I gave him a talking to, then went to a book store.

Imagine All The People…

I have a really bad imagination. I guess I took too many knocks to the head as a kid or something. But I digress.

When I started in comedy I had a lot of problems with nerves. My friend told me to picture the entire audience naked. But with my imagination I couldn’t do it.

The only way I could perform without being nervous was to do gigs at nudist colonies.

STFU God

Refer to this.

I have thought of something that will blow your fucking minds away. In the tradition of the 12 Cheese Pizza this is an afront to God and also marketing.

This is not all about cheese this time.

On October 20-somethingth you will find out!

This will blow your minds/make Steph come back to me.

Can’t Believe It’s Already Friday

Can’t believe it’s already Friday!

This Has Been Another Bad Business Idea

I want to start a recycling plant that is powered by people riding bikes.

My slogan would be “putting the cycling in recycling”.

But people would take it literally and wonder why we are cycling in filth.

Got a New T-Shirt

Got a new t-shirt today. It says “Say Hi, Ladies” on the chest.

If some ladies say hi at me, I’ll say their chest says the same thing as my shirt.

Then marriage or some shit.

Vam Parismo: Medicine Woman

A bulb of garlic around the neck wards off vampires. Everyone knows that. But I like to wear a strobe light around the neck too in case they have no sense of smell but are epileptic.

Here’s a Question

Chocolate covered jelly beans:

1) Do they exist?

2) Can you get them for me?

Considering Doing a New… Addiction

So being addicted to sexual frustration is pretty good, but I’m a dude who easily becomes restless. So I’ve decided to look out for some new addictions. Check it:


Ice

Not the party kind, but the party kind. Apparently kids think it’s cool. I want to be perceived as cool by kids. Expensive and doesn’t last long, but I have money.


Filing frivolous class action law suits

I get to meet people and possibly make money.


Falling for girls I’m not interested in

Already done that, but relapses are apparently hot this summer.

FYI

I am beautiful.

No matter what they say.

FYI

I Decide Not To Take Your Advice

My mother is always telling me to wear clean underwear in case I get hit by a bus.

That’s a bit morbid.

I just put a tampon down there anyway.

OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD IT’S {{SEPTEMBER 18}}

Oh God. I don’t know how to treat women. I shouldn’t have done that to her. Being drunk is no excuse.

Fuck fuck fuck. Jobe you are such an ARSE sometimes.

I won't be able to make this up to her.

Little Help re: Cheese

Guys,

You may remember the amazingly incredible 12 cheese pizza from last year.

Now I need your help. A new getaway to the mountains is going ahead next month and we are pretty desperate for a new cheese feat to attempt.

The 12 Cheese Pizza ™ was so audacious that a lot of people wet their pants when I showed them pictures.

I need a similar cheese-induced reaction.

Any ideas?

Eat Me

So I think I might start a little café.

I don’t know much about it yet, but it will be named after a herb or spice.