Seeing Things Better (After a Visit to the Optimist)

I’m such an optimistic person. I think that even if I got depressed I’d see the brighter side and cheer right back up.

“Well... at least with my head always looking down from sadness I won’t step in any dog shit.”

Doctored

I hate that a lot of medical problems are final. Doctors say things like “you’ll never walk again” or “you have lost all sight in your eye”.

I want medical problems to have a twist.

“You’ll never be able to have children...”

“Oh…”

“But you will be able to grow fresh fruit in your womb.”

“Oh?”


What type of fruit?

Wanna Meet lol?

So last weekend I met up with this hotbabe from the internet (was it Steph lol?).

It was awkward communicating without smilies. Expressions don’t translate well to the real world. Because my face for surprised is a lot like other people’s face for excited.

Fuck it was so awkward communicating…

Needy Bitch

Yesterday, my ex-girlfriend said she needed to have kids.

Now she also needs a new boyfriend.

Fashion Tips

When it comes to the sixes of clothing, X should being a warning to NOT MAKE THIS SIZE CLOTHING ITEM A SLIM FIT CUT.

When I was young it used to. But no more.

Pop The Question

I hate pop songs that ask questions of their listenener because people who listen to pop songs are generally pretty stupid and probably aren’t the best authority.

“Where Is The Love?”

I dunno, lol. Ask a sociologist? (Jobe, can we ask IOYC?)

If This Ain’t Love, Why Does It Feel So Good?

Just the excitement of a new relationship and the enjoyment of sex with someone different, I assume.

It’ll probably pass.

Poor Behaviour

I like to go to monasteries and ask “is nothing sacred?” before trashing everything but the sacred objects (because I don’t want to have a Gypsy cursed placed over me).

Palm Job

I’ve got this one hotbabe in the palm of my hand. She’s tiny! I swear her entirety fits in the palm of my hand.

Sure her heart is bigger than the rest of us, but that’s only a metaphor. And even if you included a large human heart I’m pretty sure it would still fit in one palm.

I really want to finger her. Not because I’m particularly attracted to her (she’s a bit fat and looks kind of like a pig) but because it’s something to tell the grandkids.

Fucking her would be good too. For once I might actually touch the sides (Jobe, you need to stop fucking with sluts/increase your penis size naturally).

That Was Quick (read: good)

I like it when hotbabes say to me “wow, that was quick,” because in this modern day and age of Pokemon and Boost Juice, speed of service is valued.

I think that if I can consistently keep my service at speedy levels then a lot more girls will become interested in giving me a go. And that’s only a good thing.

Because, let’s face it, who has the time to muck around these days? I know I’d much rather save some time and then do my taxes or maybe visit the local gym to work on my cardiovascular health.

Buffalo Soldier

So I spent a bit of time chilling with a buffalo solider the other day.

No, mother, I didn’t know he was a buffalo solider when we met.

It struck me as strange. Because being a soldier is pretty normal. But why would you be a buffalo solider. I mean, does he fight against buffalos or is it a metaphor that he soldiers like a buffalo? I asked him repeatedly but he just danced around the topic.

“So what is a buffalo solider anyway?”
“You want the truth?”
“I guess. Unless the lies you have is particularly entertaining. In that case I would prefer that option. Although if you are going to lie, don’t tell me and if I get the truth and your lies mixed up then it will just be funny and we can laugh about that.”
“Are you insane?”
“You haven’t answered my question.”
“Yea, but your sanity is a more important issue. Us buffalo soldiers need to be careful of insane people.”
“But what IS a buffalo soldier? I really do want to know.”
“I’m getting a bit uncomfortable here.”
“Just answer the question.”

I don’t think I’ll be hanging around buffalo soldiers again any time soon.

I Have No Other Ideas

I have no other ideas so I’m going to post a link to a video on YouTube.

Enjoy.

Bloggy Girls

Anyone see hat doco on SBS last Friday night called ‘Bloggy Girls’? It was about how all these chicks are just total sluts around guys that blog. Fucking disgraceful. They have no shame. One chick would go to an underappreciated blogger-type dude in an internet café and start chatting to him about blogging. Then they’d dance and she’d let him put his mouse hand in her vagina and she’d like it. And the blogger-type dudes didn’t mind. They played along with it and even exploited their whorishness.

I respect the whores that offer themselves to me (with polite emails).

To be a Breeder...

I’d like to be a famous hippo breeder. Because you never hear about famous hippo breeders dying on the news.

I could be immortal. Fuck that would be good.

Tastes Like... Crocoseum

Do you think that if someone grew up on crocodile and ate chicken they’d say it tasted like crocodile? Probably.

But if they then ate both crocodile and chicken regularly, would the crocodile still be used as the comparison or would the chicken take over?

This Is That Post

Despite the fact that this is a comedy blog and none of it is true, this post will be a veiled hint at something that is causing me to feel a deep melancholy in my life.

12 Shades of Burnt

"I have a question about this recipe -- the Wikipedia entry you cited says that a frittata is cooked slowly, but your recipe says to cook it at medium high heat, correct?"

Fucking bitch got torched.

ON THE INTERNET OF ALL PLACES. Fuck. Even strangers can see that shit.

{{The Count}}

11

The Road to Raw

Well my Raw routine is beginning to take shape. I have cut the shortlist down to what I feel is the strongest collection of jokes and am in the process of strengthening it and getting it as close to 5 minutes as possible.

I’m a little worried that 95% of it is blog material and there isn’t as much original hilarity as I would have liked. But you get that.

If I remember correctly the applications SLASH enrolments begin in December and the heats aren’t until January SLASH February, so I have plenty of time.

Looking over my material I’m beginning to doubt that it is markedly better than the rest of the competition. At the moment it appears to be lacking cohesion in that it’s just gag after gag with little thematic elements. I’m not sure if I should stick to subjects or not. Tough call.