Love, Revisited

Tonight I'm finally going to meet this hotbabe.

There's a good chance I'll be pregnant tomorrow.

Tonight

Tonight I ate a chicken (not sexual) and drank a bottle of champagne.

If I didn’t use cutlery you’d think I was some sort of pig (swine?).

What do you mean the cutlery has nothing to do with it?

Fuck you!

Would you like some chicken?

Uh oh. Moth.

Got Sore Pussy?

My pussy hurts.

It just hurts so bad.

I really would give anything for some pussy relief.

That Post That Includes The Word "Story" Four Times

I hate when someone says “true story” before or after they tell you a story.

Immediately, every other story they have ever told comes into question.

Did they say “true story” that time?

Eat a Little Dream

So there is some fucking noodle market on at night in Sydney this month and tonight I decided to head down and scope that shit out.

It was sort of funny watching {{uberhotbabes}} try to eat. They ate about a quarter of the food that I did, and I didn’t even go all out.

I tried to encourage them (with various words of encouragement ie “you can probably do it!”) but it was to limited avail.

Damn sparrow bitches are so unattractive. I need a slut that can EAT, especially if a once-a-year noodle festival in town.

Tomorrow night I will return to Hyde Park for noodles and hope that some decent eaters have turned up. Then I may make fuck to them.

Somewhere Under The Golden Rainbow

I’d really like to piss OVER (not on, gross) a hot, female midget.

It would be a lot like a leprechaun dancing under the golden rainbow.

4 Things That Carl Lewis Could Never Outrun (Even At The Peak of His Physical Fitness/Speed)

• Cancer
• Leopard/Whale crossbreed
• Fast car
• Cancerous fast car

Fuck Girls

I’m trying to cut out posts about dating/sex from the blog but it appears that every post I have in my drafts/ideas document is about dating and/or sex.

Man… I’m fucked up.

Nobody Remembers Seconded

Fuck!

I want to be seconded somewhere. So bad.

Like right now!

(no rape charge)

A couple of weeks ago I had sex with a girl against her will.

But I don’t feel guilty since her last will and testament was a bit vague. And I couldn’t exactly ask her for consent at the time.

Crap Award - Craward?

So this dude decides to give me a fucking honour on his blog.

I get named as the most underrated blog.

Yea. No shit. Everyone already knows that (but no one does anything about it? TELL A FRIEND FUNCTION).

But this award is pretty not valid because he goes on to name Stephybear as the most enthusiastic blogger. She posts like 3 times a week. I post multiple times every day. What the fuck is this shit? <--rhetorical question, this shit is wack.

I got suspicious, dear readers. Let me tell you!

Then some dude comments "yea I agree with all of your choices" but I'm pretty sure that guy doesn't even read this blog.

The fuck? I'm so depressed.

FYI

That Samantha Brett clod has changed her ‘fancy’ buzz word for “says” from “opines” to “intones”.

Yes, this is despite the fact that it is incorrect usage of the word.

FYI

Too Much Fucken Bread

I ate a big breaded bitch today.

Despite it being one sandwich, there was enough bread to make two. But not enough filling. It was out of balance.

Hey Ladies

My favourite sexual position is the fetal.

Totally Krossed Out

Lately I’d been having a lot of issues with my rap confidence. So before my last gig I rehearsed in front of my rap mirror (a regular mirror with pictures of 2pac and Biggie all around it) to get my rap movements PERFECT.

Then I got on the stage at the show and rapped my fucking heart out (with movements). But everyone started laughing at me. I had no idea what was going on.

But then I realised.

All of my rap movements were back to front!

Not a Racist Post

I’m not lactose intolerant. If those lactoses keep to themselves and be lactic in their own time and place then I don’t have a problem. It’s when they get up in my face that I have a problem.

Jobe Meets Jackie O

So holy shit, etc. Last night I was hanging around and this hotbabe comes up to me. She's all "yea, love your blog dude. It's really fucking funny and I want to make out with you."

I get this ALL the time and it shits me, but I learn to deal with my fame as an underappreciated blogger-type dude.

But last night the chick kept on pushing the issue. I was reading my book and she goes "will you look at me?" and I didn't really want to. Eventually I looked up at her to tell her to fuck off because I was getting to the good bit about ogres in my book, but I noticed that she looked familiar: It was the radio's own Jackie O!

I was all "wow okay, let's pose for pictures then go kiss and tell our celeb (eds note: this is celebrity speak for 'celebrity') friends that we made out and go our separate ways.



Not a bad night. Jackie O kisses like a fish (with herpes).

I Do My Little Turn...

I hate it when you’re walking in a busy place and you realise that you’ve gone the wrong way and you need to turn around and head back the other way.

So you do that awkward turn and people behind you wonder what the fuck you’re doing. Some think you’re an out of place model.

“Is this an impromptu fashion display?”

“Nice collection lol”

On Wet Dreams

I never have wet dreams in the traditional sense. Eg I never wake up with sprog filled boxers after thinking about humping a model or ugly celebrity.

But I often do wake up with a wet patch on my pillow near my mouth. So I think that in my dreams I might be a filthy cumslut that gives blowjobs to randoms but doesn’t swallow.