Nicknames

If my name was Ashley, I’d get friends to call me “Smashley” in front of girls.

A Magnet for Awkward Situations

I don’t really watch TV much. I prefer to watch group sex porn.

That’s why there were so many awkward moments when I joined in on conversations about Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond, since I thought they were talking about the group sex porn remakes.

Sex In The City I still managed to get by with…

Cause for Concern

The margins on this blog are razor thin.

Dot Dot Dot (and Mars Mars Mars?)

I like the drama and suspense that comes with incorrectly using a “…” (also known as an ellipsis) in a sentence or paragraph.

I think I might use this at work a lot more to worry the people who read things I send off.

“Global economic conditions indicate an upward trend in… [eds note: "gasp"] interest rates.”

A Letter to a Person

Dear xxxxxx,

How it’s going?

I know I haven’t written to you for a while, but I’m sure you’ll agree there were factors holding me back.

I wish I could apologise for what happened the last time we spoke but it won’t be good enough. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

What they said to you was horrible and, most importantly, wrong.

You’re an amazing person.

xxxxxx, I want us to prove them wrong. I want to show them what a special person is. And not special in the short bus way, but in the incredible way.

I want us to pursue a relationship. But not a normal relationship. Let’s pursue a toxic relationship. A relationship so toxic that it frustrates everyone to see us.

And then… Then we will have our revenge on them.

Don’t get confused. This won’t be a facade. We won’t just say we’ll pursue a toxic relationship but then have an amazing relationship in private but in public act out an illusion. This will be a real toxic relationship. We’ll be miserable, but so will everyone else when they’re with us.

Think about it.

Jobe

This Has Been Another Bad Business Idea

I want to start a shop that sells sunscreen. But since sunscreen is a more seasonal item, I’ll also sell soup to keep sales going during the colder months.

It will be called Soup n Screen.

But What Is Your Name?

Who Are You?

Who?

Who?

I’m a pterodactyl.

Who?

Who?

A pterodactyl.

I’m aaaaskin’ who are you?

A pterodactyl!

More Advice From The 50-Year-Old Divorced Guy

Build a strong appreciation for fine food and wine. Either you’ll be able to enjoy your meal-for-one’s with a little more dignity, or when you actually get a date you can bore her to death with discussion on the subject. And then you strike!

What's The Deal, Broz? WITH BONUS Days I Find It Hard To Find Time To Blog On

Commenting has been WAY down lately.

What's the go?

BONUS

Days I find it hard to blog on, due to time constraints:
- Monday
- Thursday

Love Comes and Goes

I was dating a car, but then the bastard hit me so I left him.

The Lament of the Chubber

As a fat man I went years without seeing my penis. I just assumed it was there, never being able to visually confirm it.

This all changed a few months ago. I was in the bathroom, looking at my obese, naked body. Then it hit me… I can just lift of my fat rolls and I’ll be able to see my penis again!

It was a touching reunion.

Since then I haven’t looked back. I am a proud fat man who CAN see his penis.

The Road to Raw

It's done.

My 5 minute set is complete.

13 jokes. Roughly attempted 25 laughs (which is 5 more than last year's better performers).

Certified 2007 Raw Comedy Gold

Have You Ever Had The Fuck Entertained Out of Your Delegation?

Tomorrow I have to look after some Chinese delegates from China. Fuck knows what they’re doing here but they’ll be doing it with me for a little while.

I have brainstormed this short list of things to do with my new buddies.

• Quick introduction to the office sluts.
• Chilling out in the lunch room, just shooting the breeze.
• Check paper online to see what the latest news is.
• Show them wacky and also heart-warming forward emails.
• Show them that email about eating foetii in China that I got yesterday. Call their people “pretty fucked up, homies.”
• Brief introduction to songs on my discman.
• Try to coerce them into buying cake for me. Because, you know, it’s the custom and shit.

All the hallmarks of an awesome day.

Jobe, Sydney Blogger

Yesterday I purchased the complete first season of Walker, Texas Ranger on DVD. I later noticed that this is 26 episodes long and runs for roughly 27 hours.

I thought it would be terrible but it was terribly fucking awesome.

Sorry, no time for work/hotbabes/blogging (hotbabes permitted if they don't talk during DVD showings).

{{Exploding Text}}, Endorsed by Sarah Blasko

So I got the new Sarah Blasko album today. I noticed that her track “Explain” is actually listed as “{explain}”.

Can I just say, it’s fucking awesome to see that {{exploding text}} is catching on outside of this blog.

Sarah Blasko, I salute you/will see you next month (no stalker. It's at her concert).

Protect Me, LOL

So this hotbabe I know was a bit scared for her life recently. Knowing that I’m a brown belt at judo she called on me to protect her. She asked if she could come over to my ranch and spend the night because she was afraid of being alone (aren’t we all, lol).

Now why the fuck would I say yes to that? I may as well just say YES BRING DANGER TO MY OWN FUCKING HOME.

Stupid bitch. I said no.

Apparently some guy came over that night and cut her a bit. That could have been ME!

The Message

Baby, I’ll do anything for you (that costs less than $20 and doesn’t take more than an hour).

A Transcript

EXT. MCDONALDS DRIVE THROUGH – MIDDAY

A car with five occupants pulls up to the intercom box and prepares to
order.

MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE 1 (through intercom speaker): Welcome to
McDonalds. Can I take your order please?

DRIVER: Yea, can I get
twenty quarter pounders, thanks.

*silence for thirty
seconds*

DRIVER: Hello?

*silence for five
seconds*

MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE 1 (through intercom speaker): Anything
else with that?

DRIVER: No, that’s it.

MCDONALDS
EMPLOYEE 1 (through intercom speaker): Would you like to pull up to the window,
please.

The car slowly makes it’s way to the window. There, a
slightly older woman, MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE 2, is waiting at the window with a
younger employee.

MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE 2: Was that twenty quarter
pounders?

DRIVER: Yep.

MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE 2: You
should have called ahead with an order that size and you wouldn’t have had to
wait.

*pause*

MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE 2: That’ll be
$56.

The driver pays.

MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE 2: Would you
be able to follow the lines and wait around the corner and we’ll bring it out to
you.

The driver follows the lines and parks around the
corner.

5-10 minutes pass. The occupants talk amongst themselves. They wonder if McDonalds has a number to phone so you can call them ahead.

MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE 3 comes
out of the doors carrying three large bags. She hands these to the
driver.

MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE 3: So what are you going to do with them
all?

DRIVER: Eat them. Eventually…

End.

A Picture of a Pangolin, Rotated Counter-Clockwise by 90 Degrees