Saturday, November 04, 2006

Dedicated to Nicole - Part 1

When she was growing up, Nicole was given anything she desired by her rich but distant parents. She got ponies, pets, toys, makeup, luxury cars and huge television sets. But there was one request her parents could never fulfil: to have a book dedicated to Nicole.

Despite having no real interest in reading (she thought it was ‘gay’ and more suited to ugly people), Nicole thought the idea of having a book dedicated to herself was a lot more special than the standard gifts she received that only had a price tag. A book dedication came from love, trust and friendship. All of the things she was unable to get from her workaholic parents.

Her father, in particular, constantly tried to fulfil this wish: attempting to write books himself and, when that failed due to his total lack of skill and free time, offering to bribe existing authors. Every avenue he pursued was a failure. No one would take any amount of money to dedicate a book to his daughter.

As Nicole got older she took matters into her own hands. Not having the attention span to write and dedicate a book to herself, she would hang out in writer’s circles and sleep with countless male writers in hopes they would dedicate their next book to her. This wasn’t hard as Nicole had developed into a rather beautiful young women, thanks mostly to a recent bout of anorexia and breast implants her mother gave her for Christmas.

When sleeping with writers, she specifically targeted the older men, assuming that they would have already dedicated their earlier books to their families and loved ones. Still, no one was willing to dedicate the book they wrote to the slut that they picked up one night at the writer’s café. Especially since Clancy and Koontz had said they’d had her multiple times and she was nothing but a pathetic whore out for attention, hardly worthy of a dedication.

She spent the majority of one year in Europe sleeping with writers from all over the region. Due to her lack of luck back home, she even began to sleep with both men and women to case a wider net. She thought she had stuck gold one day when she picked up the debut book of a promising French writer she had let fuck her in the arse without a condom in Bordeaux during the previous spring. Unfortunately for Nicole, the writer, barely able to understand what Nicole was saying most of the time, thought her name was Nicola and dedicated the book thusly. Knowing no one would accept this dedication as valid, Nicole kept searching.

The ten year anniversary of the night when she sucked off her first writer hoping for a dedication was almost upon her when Nicole met David. She was crying into a martini in a deserted New York bar after another unsuccessful trip to the bookstore to check who the new releases were dedicated to when David approached her and nervously asked if her could sit next to her. Too weak to say no to the balding, overweight man in a Hawaiian shirt standing next to her, she muttered that it was a free country and shrugged.

Despite being terribly out of her league, David tried to spark up a conversation with Nicole. After this failed, he just talked about himself, hoping she would listen. In truth, David wasn’t a bad guy and part of the attraction he felt towards Nicole was that she looked so sad and he may be able to cheer her up. He told her that he was actually from Colorado but was in town for a writer’s convention. Naturally, this got Nicole’s attention.

For the remainder of the evening, Nicole put her tried and tested moves on David, but he was completely unresponsive. Getting sleepy, Nicole bluntly said to David that she’ll let him do anything to her tonight if he dedicates his next book to her. David, not one for one night stands, told her that he only sleeps with people he loves.

Years of rejection had worn Nicole down. Seeing an opportunity she decided she would marry this man before her in order to have a book dedicated to her.

Friday, November 03, 2006

So You Want To Email Me?

Lately I’ve been getting a lot of emails from people who read this blog. Wishing me well, suggesting topics, wanting to be friends on MySpace, etc.

For those of you that have yet to email me but may wish to at some stage in the future, take a look at this handy guide I have compiled.


------- BEGIN HANDY GUIDE --------


Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

Are you male or female? If you insist on going by your internet moniker or have an ambiguous real name (ie Quinn) then tell me if you are male or female. This is avoid confusion at a later date. After all, no one wants to be GFAM.


What’s In It For Me?

So you get to be personally entertained by me. But what do I get out of our interactions? Why not suggest some things you can do for me.


LOL

If you aren’t funny, don’t try to be. If you aren’t sure it’s best to err on the side of caution.


KISS Principle

Keep your email simple. I may waffle in my response (because I don’t care for you and don’t want to waste time properly structuring a reply) and it will be long. Don’t start it off long and expect it to be bigger. It will take a toll on me.


What’s My Muthafuckin Name?

Try not to talk about yourself a lot. You’ll make me feel a) bored, b) tired, c) hungry. Why not talk about common subjects?

On Loss

“I’m losing my mind” and “I think I’m losing her” are valid statements.

But “I’m losing my keys” sounds overly dramatic at the best of times.

Compassionate Jobe

I’ve been reading some blogs of late and it appears that many of my dearest bloggers and IRL buddies are a bit down.

So, as Jobe says, “I hope you all feel better soon.” (lol he is even funny saying normal things!)

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Category Crunch

I got sent a new picture set for my porn site tonight which caused me a lot of trouble.

It was a series of a Spanish girl erotically kissing a donkey that became visibly aroused.

Now, should I file this under:
- Latina
- Beastiality
- Ass to Mouth

I really need a 'misc' category...

New Rating System

Until further notice, the 7 star rating system will be replaced by a new system when rating restaurants and eateries.

The new system is as follows:

After visiting, a restaurant/eatery will be grouped in one of the following five categories (best to worst):
- Will return frequently.
- Would like to return occasionally.
- Wouldn’t mind going again, won’t make a special effort to go.
- Probably won’t return.
- Will never return.

Instead of a ranked system, which can be overly bias against finer establishments with great food, this system focuses more on the all-important value.

Example: I may go to a fairly cheap Asian eatery but enjoy the value, food and experience so much that I wish to return frequently. Why should this place be rated lower than a place that costs 10 times as much but isn’t 10 times better? <--rhetorical question. It shouldn’t.

The best thing is that a place can be easily referenced. So what if I ranked a certain place 5 out of 7 stars. Would I want to go to it as much as another place that got 5 out of 7 stars? Not necessarily.

Probably doesn’t make sense as I am tired, but I know what I mean AND FEEL, FUCK!

So the first restaurant to be rated on this system is “two-hatter” Omega, which falls into the “probably won’t return” category for service which failed to match the bill and a rather dull ambience. Although the food—especially the vine leave roasted lamb—was sublime.

Bi Brother

I’m thinking of going on bi brother.

I’m just so confused right now.

A bisexual black man may be the answer.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Jesus on the Train

It was May 11 when Rebecca saw Jesus on the train.

She was staring at nothing, tired from another long day at work. At least she was finally on her way home where she could relax. Jesus got on the train two stops after Rebecca--a nothing, post-industrial suburb--and took the seat opposite her so they were facing each other.

Jesus sat quietly for a few minutes, composing himself. Rebecca stole quick glances, trying not to be too obvious.

He looks kind of average, nothing like in the pictures, she thought to herself. She probably wouldn’t date him if he asked her out. His skin looks a lot greasier than it does in those church windows.

Jesus had a plastic bag with him. Inside this plastic bag was a box of hot chips and fish cocktail. Jesus began eating this food on the train. He appeared to be both enjoying it and in a rush. Probably rushing to his next job, Rebecca thought. And all of that oily food would explain the complexion.

Jesus finished the chips and fish cocktail and sat for another minute, coughing a few times. He didn’t wash the chips and fish cocktail down with any beverages so his throat must be dry.

Jesus took a laptop out of a bag he had with him and placed it on his lap. He bent down again and retrieved a set of elaborate headphones from the bag that he untangled and plugged into the laptop. The headphones had a microphone on them, just like a nerdy gamer might use for internet games.

Rebecca couldn’t see the screen since it was facing the other way, but from the looks of it she thought Jesus was reading something very important or possible programming with PHP and MySQL.

Jesus’ coughing began to worsen. They were very loud coughs that seemed to shake the whole carriage. Jesus made no attempt to disguise these coughs from the rest of the commuters.

After five minutes of Jesus’ coughing, Rebecca offered him half a bottle of water that she had in her handbag. Jesus took this from her, smiled, and said “cheers”. He took the bottle between his hands, focused on it and, as if by magic, the water turned into wine.

Jesus said, “fuck yeah,” and took a long swig. Some wine dribbled down his chin.

Jesus wiped his mouth with his hand and offered the bottle to Rebecca, who declined. A drunk driver had killed her father when she was a child and she swore off drinking for life.

Jesus said, “oh well,” and sat back.

For the remainder of the trip Jesus drank the wine and used his computer, while Rebecca seethed at the memory of the drunken arsehole who got drunk and drove his car into her parents bedroom wall while they slept, crushing her father under the wheels in the process.

What’s This (Really) On My Hand?

I woke up today with 3 marks on my left hand. I think they’re bite marks.

Catalogue of marks:
- 1 bite, lower knuckle of pinky
- 1 bite, above middle of index finger
- 1 bite, middle of palm, towards bottom

I felt kind of sick all day.

Stairway to Heaven

OR IS IT

EXPOSE:

I’ve always found it odd that the laws in Sydney state that sex shops must be accessed by a staircase.

I really don’t see the point to it. The only thing I can think of is that they’re trying to keep cripples and olds out of the sex shops because they’re not good with stairs. But they’re the people who need it most, dammit!

Master Splinter

Tonight I got a splinter in my foot.

It had an entry point and an exit point.

It was roughly two inches long.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

This Will Be That Post

This is the post I will reply to and forget that I replied too and when I see the reply I will be shocked because I do not remember replying to this post.

What’s Up With… Halloween

It’s like home delivery for paedophiles.

What Should You Do…

...If you wake up as a cross section?

It’s not me asking… It’s for a friend.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Like a Big Brother to You

So I hear that Big Brother 2007 is booting uncut and cleaning up their act. Ie they will cut down on the shaft and vadge action.

Which I think is great news (for me) [<--- possible slogan. Store for later use]. Now that I can feel safe that my miniscule cock won’t be paraded around the land of late night television, I think that I can finally enter Big Brother and pursue my dream of going a bit pseudo-insane in there.

Now I know what you’re thinking! “Jobe, but we’ll miss your blogging while we watch you on the television and your handsome face and mischievous grin are no match for your e-words.”

But don’t even worry much! I think I’ll jack some bitches lipsticks and write blog entries on the walls for all the see.

Is there a “house rule” about that? Fucken hope not.

I hope Big Brother 2007 doesn’t clash with 1) work and 2) Raw Comedy.

On Location… I’m In Chains

So here I am, blogging from the picturesque city of In Chains, BRINGING YOU THE MOTHER FUCKING RAW SHIT.

There really isn’t much to see in In Chains, everything is obscured by my metallic, chainlike coating.

It can be difficult to get around the city at times, and the locals are certainly no help.

Tetanus (lol, anus) runs rampant thru ought this godforsaken land so I’m glad I had my shots before coming. Or did I? I remember getting jabbed with something…

As a holiday destination I suppose it isn’t too bad, and it always feels great to cast off the shackles of work and relax for a while.

And the best bit is that there are no kids running around!

A Bit of a Plan

I think that if I make this blog approx thirty per cent more hyphy then my hits will double within two weeks.

But would it be considered selling out? Gosh. Tough call.

Maybe I can got fifteen per cent more hyphy to begin with, then the other fifteen per cent later on.

Honest2Goodness Update

Today I heard that Chad was named as one of FHM’s 50 hottest dead celebrities.

Congrats to Chad! (RIP)

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Some Pictures


The sixteen chocolate cheesecake in all it's (non-blury) goodness.




The chocolate elements, seperate.





Because you need beverage to go with the food.





A healthy lunch.


Come on, man. You can give me more than that! *scratches* Do you know what I had to do to get this car? *scratches* Give me $100, man. Please.