Hold Up, Weight a Minute

For some reason I want to find out the point of the body where my weight is perfectly distributed. The point where the weight of my top and bottom and left and right halves are all even.

That would be cool.

And then I’d do it again, with a chick. Naked.

My Award-Winning Dog and Cat

Want to see pictures of my award-winning dog and cat? Yea, I bet you do.

The Road to Raw

I checked out the Raw website today and found something slightly exciting.

Let me share it with you:

Registrations for Raw Comedy 2007 will open in just a few days

Posted 6/12/06

What’s This On My Hand?

Nothing, baby. Trust me!

Quick Post

This is just a quick post to let you know that quick posts have released a greatest hits collection.

Available in shops.

Frequently Asked Question

Q: Excuse me sir, can I have a moment of your time.

A: Honey, not even I have a moment of my time.

Second Time’s a Charm

So some people got the idea that tomorrow night it would be smart to attempt to copy certain antics from last week and, somehow, hope for a different, better end to the evening.

This could be dangerous/kinda hot.

Jobe’s Stocking Stuffers – Item #1

So the holy Father Christmas is right around the corner and you haven’t got any gifts because you’re too much of a fuck-up. But it’s okay, I won’t judge you. As long as you’ve gotten me something. Since you haven’t got gifts for anyone else I’ve decided to put some products on the market for your purchasing needs. If you like what you see, just send me some money and we’ll work something out.


Item #1

The Jobe Singles Boxset

All of Jobe’s singles released in handy box form! Pretty freakin great.

Check out what you get:
- Handsome box containing all of the posts that Jobe released as singles throughout 2006.

All of your favourites together in one box!

-- insert hilarious photoshopped image of product in your mind --

Priceless/About $1027.95

Going Back

I think that if I ever had to go back to a place, I would walk in backwards. Similar to a moonwalk but less fancy.

I may or may not destroy the fragile time/space fabric and end up in the 1910’s where I could use my “future boy” status to pull hella chicks and corrupt them/open a restaurant serving innovative food.

“Oh, future boy, I want to do things like you did in the 2000’s. Wont you show me?”
“Okay, baby. Let me show you a snowball kiss…”
“Normally I don’t kiss until the 32nd date, but I’ll make an exception for you. Show me what a snowball kiss is…”

What Is Love?

Trish is hot, rich and competitive. Okay? Accept it. She has other qualities, but if you had to list just three that she had then those would be them. Recently, Trish has been extremely depressed. But I’m not sure if she’s depressed ENOUGH to make it one of her three qualities. She’s definitely hotter and richer than she is depressed. Maybe she’s more depressed than she is competitive.

Anyway, the trouble started after she saw a television special about Japan. At that point her friends and her had been trying to force culture down their throats in a bid to come off as more superior to other people. The television special told her about these athletes called sumo wrestlers and their sport which is filled with prestige, money, fame and tradition. This interested Trish as they happened to be the exact same qualities that she was looking for in a potential husband.

After the program ended Trish called the sumo wrestler association in Japan and bribed the telephone operator for the numbers of the best sumo wrestlers in all of Japan. She intended to marry one.

After not having any luck she called Takaniki. Takaniki was one of the most promising prospects in the sumo scene and just happened to be up (it was 2am when she called due to the time difference) because he was terribly lonely. He got into sumo for the babes and had so far found none. He was still a virgin.

After a quick romance over the phone and by email, they agreed to be married. Trish would fly over to Japan, wed Takaniki and they would live together in his mansion.

Trish was excited and told everyone about why she was leaving. They thought she was amazing for not caring how big the sumo wrestlers were. Incredibly, Trish did not know that sumo wrestlers were extremely fat. How is that even possible? Well, yea, she didn’t know okay. Anyway, when people said that sumo wrestlers were big, she thought they meant the sumos had large penii, which didn’t bother Trish because she was a loose whore.

Her shock upon meeting Takaniki for the first time was also quite immense, although she kept it hidden because she was so desperate to marry into the sumo world. She thought she may be able to just befriend one of the thinner wrestlers and leave Takaniki for him after a while.

But for now she is married to Takaniki. She thought the life would be glamorous but all she does is cook and cook. Takaniki eats a lot because of his low self esteem. He is also so fat that Trish has to wipe his arse for him after he takes a shit. Every time she wipes his arse, Trish just thinks of how jealous her friends at home must be that she isn’t wiping the arse of an ice-head like they are and that soon, one day, she is going to marry a thin sumo wrestler who will be able to wipe his own arse.

Guest Poster: Kevin Rudd

Hello. My name is Kevin. You can call me Mr Rudd or Kevin. But not K-Rudd (<--fuck no). You may remember me from the years I spent in the shadow ministry, always getting the job done to the best of my abilities. No? Anyway….

Umm…

So, hey, I’m the new Labor leader. Your new Labor leader. Leader of the opposition. Sounds nice, doesn’t it!

Jobe gave me a shot at the blog to let me tell you about all the things I have in store for Australia if my party is elected at the next election.

Well, there’s a time and a place for that. But let me tell you, it will be awesome!

How awesome, you ask?

Totally awesome!

But, ah, um, yea. Let’s not worry about that boring policy stuff for a while. It’s (Labor) party time!

Crazy (With Concern)

Guys, I’m starting to get worried. I appear to be running out of time to keep this blog going.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to keep up the minimum 3 posts a day average with any level of quality.

This worries me. This blog is about having the most posts and being the most underappreciated blogger-type dude.

Much thinking to be done, children. Much.

Munch on Muncheros. Ohhhhh remember them? They helped make me the chubber I am today. I want some. Where can I get some?

{{The Count}}

14

Christmas Came Early

I’m finding it difficult to decide how best to use the phrase “Christmas came early” for a blog Post. I was thinking either using “came” in the orgasmic sense (obvious) or twisting from the obvious and maybe making Christmas a girl who comes home too early to find me fucking New Years or something.

But then I thought, who can be fucked?

Fashion Corner

Fashion houses clamour over themselves trying to invent the new piece of whore wear. The market for skimpy pieces of clothing for girls is just staggering. If I don’t you the figure you wouldn’t even believe me. It’s just that large.

But I digress. I have conceived the new essential piece of whore wear. From the mini skirt to the hipster jeans, whore wear has become a fixture of every summer outing.

The good news of all of this is that I’m giving it away to you for FREE. That’s right! I will tell you what all the whores will be wearing before they’re even wearing it. You can be the next trend-setter of your posse of slappers.

The hot new outfit for all slags this summer will be…

HIGH SKIRT, LOW PANTIES

That’s right. Skirts can’t get any higher so to show that you have absolutely no fucking standards, you’ll wear your panties nice and looooooow.

Four Things To Consider Before Murdering Someone

• Do I really want to murder someone?
• Would I prefer to eat a good sandwich (ie from a deli)?
• The situation in Iraq.
• Cost of murdering someone relative to current interest rates.

Know Your Audience

One of the main rules of marketing is to know your audience. So in order to get to know you, my readers, I’m going to unexpectedly turn up to your home or place of business in the coming few weeks to spend some time with you.

I look forward to building networks between us.

An Open Letter

Dear Australia,

You have questionable taste re: your favourite albums. Shall we analyse? STFU I’ll do it anyway. Sit down. No. Sit down. SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND LISTEN.


10. U2 – The Joshua Tree

You like a concept album about lynching black people? You make me fucking sick. Never heard the album but the singles are okayish.


9. Meat Loaf – Bat Out Of Hell

So not only do you like lynching black people but you like to hang out with seedy fat guys who worship Satan? You have made me even sicker. I’ve gone from mild crabs to full-blown herpes. Also, crap album.


8. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Blood Sugar Sex Magik

Oh, you mean magik AKA THE BLACK ART? I’m noticing a trend… OF WICKEDNESS! Goodish album.


7. Led Zeppelin – IV

A very good album but top 10? Please. Also, SATANIC AND MAY CONTAIN SKELETONS.


6. Nirvana – Nevermind

Oh when I was a child this was the shit. I wouldn’t have this top 10 but I’ll let you have this. Also, KIDDIE PORN.


5. The Beatles – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Probably not their best album but you have to respect the amount of experimentation that they had. The first side of this is amazing. I’d love to see a pop act do this sort of shit these days. I will let you have this one, my darlings. Also, lovely cover art.


4. The Beatles – Abbey Road

Oh for fuck’s sake. Why waste having two Beatles albums in the top 10? Do you know ANYTHING about making a top 10 list? Clearly not. You are stupid.


3. Radiohead – OK Computer

Yeah it’s great but number three? Fucking saddies. Still, I’ll let you have this or you’d probably cut yourselves.


2. Jeff Buckley – Grace

Oh fuck off, Australia. If I died tomorrow would you say I was the second best blogger of all time? You would? Really? Hmmmmm. Nah, I’ll pass.


1. Pink Floyd – Dark Side of the Moon

You are a retarded people. Who the hell says that the best album of all time should be prog? I love prog, but it’s fucking prog! I’d maybe give you the 11-20 bracket on a better day, but you were out of line with this. Although, pyramids on the front… Illuminati conspiracy making this number one?


I know this is a list about FAVOURITE albums of all time, but you really need to get some fucking taste. Or not. I’m not really fussed. I’m pretty chilled right now. And I totally respect your opinions.

The “Past” is “Behind Us”

Once I dated this hotbabe who used to be a bit of a slut. It was fairly well known that she had a reputation and this was only solidified when we’d go to a nightclub and she’d almost always run into an ex-partner or when we’d fuck and I’d realise that her cunt was already stretched wider than my clenched fist.

Eventually the time came where we had to confront it. We were a few hours into a passionate sex-making session and, as usual, I was barely even touching the sides. And I was fucking her arse which was about twice as tight as her pussy. While I was going at her she suddenly became sad and looked like she was going to cry.
“Jobe,” she said. “Does my past bother you?”
I said that even though the size of her vagina was a little inconvenient at times (hell, half of that was my fault for having a cock the size of a 5 year olds thumb—trust me, I’ve done a side to side measurement), I didn’t care that she had been a total whore.

Since we where being honest, I took the opportunity to get something off my chest too.

“Meredith... Does MY past bother YOU?”
“Whatever do you mean dear? You haven’t been with that many women have you?”
“No, it’s not my sexual past. But, you know, does it bother you that I used to masturbate over ghosts—both male and female—and imagine them fingering my arsehole.”
“Not really. We’ve all been there haven’t we?”

I loved my little slut. But, yea, eventually we did break up because the sex was shit.

{{The Count}}

13

Who Needs a Hug?

Feeling lonely and helpless? Wondering why no one loves you?

Why not ask Google?

And before you ask, yes, this blog is apparently the worldwide authority when it comes to finding out "why won't anyone love me?"

Soar Like an Eagle / Sore Like The Eagles {{DUOPOST}}

Every picture I see of someone. They always look like a bird. A bird with magnificent wingspan. Ready to take off.

Fucked up.

-------------

INT. The Eagles Dressing Room, Post Show

Glenn Frey: Guys, I’m sore.

Don Henley: Me too.

Joe Walsh: You said it.

Randy Meisner: I’m not sore at all.

Don Felder: Really?

Randy Meisner: No. j/k LOL.