Jobe’s Stocking Suffers – Item #3

So Christmas is fast approaching (FUCK NOT TO MENTION BIRTHDAYS and HOUSEWARMINGS) and you’re still searching for the ultimate gift for that loved one?

We’ll I’ve got your back/money homie.

PERSONAL JOBE ALARMS

You’ve heard of personal alarms and rape alarms and shark alarms and soup alarms. Well Why not get your loved one a Personal Jobe Alarm.

Yea, seriously. Why not?

The personal Jobe alarm is small and light enough to keep in a handbag and can be easily activated at times when you need to raise the alarm that HOLY SHIT you, of all people, are chilling with that Jobe guy.

Sick

Not blogging. Sick.

Not Creepy

So there’s this uglybabe that sort of likes me. I have a feeling that she is obsessed with me because she’s always coming around and seeing how I am and shit like that. She always comes around with food and things (eg nachos) and offers some to me.

It creeps me out. It’s like… why would I want that shit?

Anyway, today she came over holding a Christmas gift. I got worried. How could she buy me a Christmas gift? It’s probably something really creepy too. Like something really personal that I’ll see and she’ll say something like “I know you mentioned 82 days ago that you kind of liked Scrubs so I got you Zack Braff’s writing hand.”

So I totally called her up on it and said she was a freak and I hated her.

Turns out it was a gift for someone else. A really standard, off the rack gift too.

More Management Musings

Bloody hell, managing on a busy day is tough.

But Oprah’s spirit is tougher, so it’s okay.

Beauty Corner

I thought it would be nice if I shared my favourite beauty secrets/bodily fluids with you all.

Secret #1

Instead of paying out of your arse for expensive dermabrasion treatments on your feet and heel, simply leave some sand in your sock during the day and let nature take it’s course.

Ratings

My people skills:

Poor to Nil

Gosh

So I'm finding that managing people is hard.

+ People have issues.

Therefore, I shouldn't be a manager.

What’s This On My Christmas Card

All of my friends! The warmest of welcomes to you all.

As 2006 draws to a close I thought it would be appropriate to make a post summarising the highs and lows that WTOMH has experienced in the past twelve months, similar to what I did around this time last year.

Firstly, I can’t write about WTOMH’s ’06 without mentioning the massive year that girl-behind-the-scenes, Sarah, had. She celebrated her 21st and, astonishgly, also her 22nd birthdays with huge celebrations that kept the whole neighbourhood up, lol. <--inferring that it was a noisy party. After she recovered from that Sarah directed the school play, The OC, to rave reviews.

The second Jobe was in charge (whoa, calm down troops!) for the entire year and managed to grow the audience while lowering the standard that first Jobe had set: no easy task!

In October, WTOMH adopted an orphaned child, since it was all the rage. Unfortunately the body rejected the transplant so I still only have one kidney.

We’re still no closer to finding out what was on my hand, although the answer appears to have something to do with an incident in Perth in the 1980’s and being bitten by an eel at the age of 14.

No one is really sure what with happen to WTOMH in the new year. Maybe we’ll just fuck the whole thing off. Maybe not. Shit, stop pressuring me! I just want to get into the Christmas spirit or something (mmmm yea that sounds hot). Back off you freakin psychos.

Is the pressure getting to old Jobe? Tune in next year to find out. On....

What'sThisOnMyHand?

Preaching to the Choir

Sometimes I preach to the choir, just for the temporary boost I get in self confidence from seeing them enthusiastically listen to my sermon.

I just need to keep remembering to tell myself my motto:

“You are number one!”

Attn: All Pens Not At My Workplace/On My Desk At Home

Your main function is to clean my ear. If you do any actual writing work then consider yourself lucky.

{{The Count}}

13

I Hate to Start Rumours

But things are getting pretty serious between me and Patience.

I went and saw her march after graduating from military college, ironically, in December.

Who said anything about an engagement? Chill the fuck out.

Goal of the Week

• To have fun in my activities.

Ohhhhh what a fantastic goal! Great finish.

The keeper had no chance!

Steph, Revealed

So I’m sure most of you are aware that my ex-lover Steph was involved in a car crash the other week and hasn’t been blogging/commenting.

But I have to confess that this is my first confession for three weeks and I have sinned, father, because I think that Steph is faking!

Facts:

• A few days before the “accident” Steph admitted that she would probably take a bit of time off blogging. When did she say she’d take the time off? “Probably around Christmas/New Years”. Current time? Around Christmas/New Years/3pm.
• No pictures of injuries. Steph normally posts pictures of even the smallest abrasion. But for this we have NOTHING.

Only two facts needed!

Steph is faking!

Patience (no Grates)

Guys, the next two weeks are going to be a bit crazy because of shit at work so I might miss out on posting for a couple of days. Don’t freak the fuck out. Okay.

Staff at WTOMH thank you for your patience during this time.

Work (At The Plant)

I’d like to work in an office near a place called “The Plant” so I can say I’m going to work at the plant.

Although this would cause problems when meeting women because they’d think that I was a lowly blue-collar in some sort of power plant or some shit. And I’m pretty ugly so I’d have to rely on my money to entice women.