Problem With Sydney

Too many white fellas.

The Road to Raw

Okay, so I know what heat I'm in for Raw.

Details pending.

Anyone want to come? You have to pay and go to Moore Park and shit. But it should be good fun*.

* Probably won't be that good really. Especially my bit.

Fuck

Sort of sad because a manager job has opened up and I want it and I deserve it but I may not get it.

But you’re happy because it means I won’t be too busy/tired to blog.

So should we break up or something? Because I can’t go on with one of us up and the other one down.

*sigh*

N’Sync

When women spend a lot of time together their periods synch up. It’s exactly the same with men. Only instead of periods it’s haircuts.

More Advice From The 50-Year-Old Divorced Guy

Never forget, females of all ages still desire you because the fact that you are divorced excites them. You are experienced but available and it shows them that you know how to treat women.

ATTN: LADY

WTF RE: WLKN W/ PRAM N 2 BBYS ON RD

LMAO @ UR PARNTN
IMA RUN U OVA

Childish

I reckon that from now on I’m only going to abduct kids that are keeping a secret.

The Road to Raw

So I’m peeping the information superhighway and got off at the exit marked ‘online newspaper’ and noticed a little roadside café about stand-up comedy. This news article followed the gigs of two comedians and tried to decide what it takes to become a good stand-up comedian. I though I stood a good chance of finding some awesome tips for Raw but this is what they decided:

“It takes guts and an element of desperation.”

I’m desperate as fuck. Ask any of my female friends (lol, jokes, I don’t have any because I try to crack onto them and drive them away). As for guts, I am rather portly.

It then looked at the first gigs of various mediocre comedians. No one had a decent gig. Since Raw will be my first (and last) gig, I reckon I’m pretty fucked.

So come one come all and watch me bomb.

Meh

Waiter, there’s a hare in my soup! I ordered the rabbit soup.

But Sir, I can assure you this is rabbit. <--oh, yea, he said it in a French accent

Fuck off!

*throws soup at waiter who tastes it and realises it is clearly hare*

More On Training (Moron Training?)

Fuck I’m bad at this. So we’ve finished a little ahead of schedule. We have two days left and SHIT ALL to do.

More role playing? Yea, Jobe, they really seem to give a fuck about that. Maybe you could just go ahead and die and save them all the trouble.

You clearly did not plan this correctly.

(Yea, but I can learn from my mistakes)

You shouldn’t have made any fucking mistakes. How hard is it to train a few people? <--rhetorical question. Answer = not many, if any.

Can’t Spell ‘Pyramid Scheme’ Without ‘Me’

Hey, here’s a thing (really, Jobe?). I’ve never been offered a unique opportunity to join a pyramid scheme.

Never. Not once. Not even something that smelt just slightly suss.

I really need to branch out and meet new, loser-type people.

“Hi, I’m Jobe. Are you easily influenced?”

The upside of meeting new, loser-type people is that when I finally do get offered the chance to enter a pyramid scheme I’ll know lots of people I bring in.

Introducing… The Decoy Vadge!!!

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Guys, afraid to stick your cock in a whores festering cunt?

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It’s so comfortable you won’t even know you have it on!

Testimonials:

"Yeah, fells okay I guess!"

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Four Things I've Learnt During My Second Day of Training New Recruits For The First Time (In An Organised, Group Setting)

1. I am a shit trainer. I mean, I don't train faeces. I am bad at training. How could you get that confused? Fuck you!
2. Hey, I'm claustrophobic (like, wtf? When did this happen?).
3. Despite my poor training, the new people are overcoming it and performing well. "Hey, let's do it for the 'tard!"
4. Sexual tension can be palpable/completely imagined.

It's In Her Eyes

Fuck, I've had a lot of stuff in my eyes lately. Such as:

• Stars
• Dust
• Tennis ball (fucken ouch!)
• Cartoon hearts

Religion

If God is all-powerful and can do anything, can he say no to CCs?

What's This On My Hand?

Hmmmm... Don't tell me... It's... soft... and... kind of... hard in places... Is it...