Sometimes…

I just feel like there is a man trapped inside my body. I’ve felt it since I was a kid. Growing up was strange and difficult.

*sigh*

I’m so awkward.

My Porn Script

INT. PRISON CELL
CAST: BONNIE, LINDSAY

BONNIE: “Gee, sure was nice of the warden to give us these dildos, anal beads, lubricant and hand-held digicams for the afternoon.”

LINDSAY: “Yeah. What do you want to do with them?”

BONNIE: “Let’s build a fort!”

LINDSAY: “A vibrating fort!”

BONNIE: “Mmmmm yeah. That will deter attackers.”




Pretty hot. I’m sure you’ll agree.

We Serve Awkwardness on Tap (And Also VB)

So the other night I went to a pub to meet a chick for drinks. I was sort of nervous since it was our first official “date” sort of things. It all started well enough with drinks and chatting and stuff, but then I realised that something was {{HORRIBLY WRONG}}.

Everyone in the bar were fucking MySpace friends! Including the girl I was drinking with!

I mean, no one recognised anyone because their online pictures bore no resemblance to what they actually looked like, but STILL it was still really awkward.

Dirty Vadge

So I’m on the train the other day when this chick of approximately 20 comes up and starts twirling around those holding things that hang from the middle of the Tangara trains in Sydney.

Around and around and around she went, joyously, until I noticed something strange. A piece of rubbish dropped from BETWEEN HER LEGS and felt onto the floor of the train.

I stared at it.

I stared at her.

I stared at it.

I stared at her vadge.

Odd. Where’s one of those tennis dudes with the upskirt cams? They need to get a look a what the fuck is up that.

Excerpts From The All New Jobe Resume

- Able to perform outstanding work within reasonable timeframes. But unreasonable timeframes are fine too. I’m just that good. In fact, just forget about your entire concept of time if you hire me.

Sure to be hired.

LOL Burnt

So I got really sunburnt on the weekend. Very badly sunburnt. So bad that I’ve had to reassure people that I’m not a human lobster on the prowl for child flesh/krill.

Some believe me, some don’t. It’s a tough life as a not lobster man.

This Has Been Another AWESOME Business Idea

Cheesecake flavoured thickshakes.

Nuff said.

{{The Count}}

12

Lasting Love

So check this, I’m totally in love and I wanted to prove it by getting my girl's name tattooed on my lower leg/ankle (her favourite feature of mine is my lower leg/ankle/weird looking penis). But, yea, my girlfriend’s name is Olive and I fucking hate her name and her fucking hippie parents who gave it to her.

On the other hand, my friend’s girlfriend’s name is Sarah, and I reckon that’s a much nicer name. So I think I might get her name tattooed there instead.

Location: Blogging From Train

Message: Help. White fella just got on carriage. Sat right behind me. Oh fuck. Send help.

Raining Hell in Chainmail

Lately I’ve been wearing shirts made of chainmail. Fuck it’s like I’m a new me. My chainmail shirts are so comfortable and protective. I used to be worried that a sword fight/battle/saga could break out at any second and I’d be defenceless.

Light, breathy, protects me from sluts

Thanks WTOMH!

Check out this wicked praise for the blog:

Hey, WTOMH! Thanks for your tip about being post cool. I was a bit worried (shitscared, lol) about attending a very important business function at an outdoor event today because the temperature is so crazy (there are FORTY degrees now? wtf).

But after reading your post-cool update, I am totally confident in my ability to enter the corporate box and sweat myself into a new promotion.

Thanks!

Your pal,
Jobe

It's good to help people!