Tissue Issue

I really like how they put patterns and images and drawings on tissues because I've always wanted to know what it feels like to blow my nose on a dolphin.

The answer: soft!

Holy Crap

Well I really am sorry about not hanging around much on account that I have been having such an ace time directing documentaries about Nazis and domestic animals (not cats or dogs though <--obvious).

But the good news for you all is that my interview went poorly and I probably won't get the promotion. Instead of saying that I failed miserably, I prefer to think that my sub-conscious loves you and did what was required to keep us together.

And I think that's pretty sweet.

Oh Man!

Diplomatic immunity is the best thing ever. Look, don't ask how I got it. Just see if I'll buy you some ice or firearms. I'll probably even do it!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I have an interview.

You better pray I don't get the job or you're all fucked. If this blog ceases to exist, do you? <--probably, why risk it really?

Taking The Youtube To Raw

In the hopes of knowing what sort of standard to expect, I went to Youtube (popular website with young children and paedophiles) to see what I’m up against.

Heat Winner:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiX4xU0zOY8
A standard I would describe as “low”. LOLs were at a minimum.

Good: R2D2 bit.
Bad: Most of it. Why does he move so much?


Heat Loser:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLenzwRKoFI
Woeful. I can beat him with just one punch.

Good: Nothing.
Bad: Everything. He even fucked up the end.


Raw Legend:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkfOVmCIPGs

Good: Just about everything.
Bad: My realisation that I’m nowhere near that standard.

What's This On My Van?

"My favourite author!"

Cheers to Daz for the pic of the exciting Jobe sighting.

Politics

I want to become known as the best extreme right-wing comedian in the world. My jokes would be hilarious, scathing and would attract many new people to the extreme right because they’re disillusioned with the comedians coming from their own area of politics.

At the top of my game I will hold a huge gig at one of the country’s largest universities. It will be billed as a revolutionary new extreme right-wing comedy act that will forever change both politics and comedy. Extreme right-wing students overflowing with passion will come and see me perform, hoping to piss themselves laughing at the expense of the left and, to some extent, the conservative right.

I will perform my set, leaving out all jokes. Because they idolise me and fear stepping out of line, they will not call me out on it. But I will get more and more upset as the set goes on.

20 minutes into the set I’ll tell them that they are a shit audience and they aren’t laughing because they don’t understand the cause and they’re nothing but a pack of sheep. Then... yeah well I guess that was about it really.

Have You Ever Noticed…

That every man aged between 30 and 40 with a bald head and a goatee looks identical?

The Psychic Powers Abound

I will become a psychic who has the amazing gift of predicting when people will die. I’ll be able to narrow it down to the exact date and rough time of day.

It will be incredible because every death that I predict will be an untimely death.

I will have thousands of people wishing to see me, offering to pay any price. But I only ever see a few people in the morning. The reason for this is that I spend the rest of the day killing people whose time has come.

Do you have any idea how long it takes to find the right opportunity to cut someone’s brake line?

One day it will all fall apart when I get exposed as a fraud. I predicted that someone would die on November 23rd, but they had a car accident two weeks beforehand and died on the scene.

People will no longer believe in my powers and I will quit the psychic profession, instead becoming an assassin-for-hire.

Argh

Blogger has migrated me against my wishes.

This is soo fucked up right now.