Kinda Germy

Frank was woken up by a call from his friend Sean’s solicitor. The solicitor has called to advise Frank that he was named as a benefactor on Sean’s will.

Sean killed himself two weeks ago. Right before he killed himself, Sean called Frank to tell him that he was going to kill himself and that he wanted Frank to have all of his CDs. But Frank wasn’t there so he just left a message.

Frank still hasn’t forgiven himself for not being there to take that call. Sean was his best friend, but his taste in music was terrible. A lot of emo and shit like that. He wasn’t even one of those depressed kids that listened to mildly cool music like The Smiths or… someone like that (Frank is too down to think of other examples right now). No, Sean listened to My Chemical Romance and that sort of shit.

Frank is upset because he doesn’t really want these CDs. He won’t listen to them and he can’t really throw them out because they might be haunted or something. Not that he really wants to touch them though. Sean killed himself in the same room where his CDs are, so they all have a thin film of death covering them.

As soon as he can decide who to give all of his and Sean’s CDs to, Frank is going to kill himself so he isn’t forced with being in this hopeless situation.

Who Knew?

Well, okay, if you get drunk 5 nights in a row and keep carrying on like nothing happened and not sleeping well, then apparently you don’t feel to good.

That wizard was right! I will be cursed forever for running over his cat and not stopping to help.

Fuck that wizard, yo! (maybe my new catchphrase?)

Can You Keep a Secret (I Don’t Want To)

I can’t believe that I’m sick of sudoku.

Yesterday was probably the worst day ever to buy that sudoku secrets book.

The Monarchist Within

Last night I had a dream that I was a monarchist. The Queen came to visit and I was thrilled. I stood in a crowd with my friends and family and watched The Queen walk but. But hark! Republicans! I killed their arses and let The Queen pass.

She passed and then I put out some washing. It was probably too late in the day to do so, but I was so thrilled from my The Queen encounter that I thought anything was possible from here.

More Like ValenTINE’s Day

So The Girl wants me to do all this super romantic shit for her, even though we’ve only been going out for a minute.

She suggests that I send her flowers at work. But she suggested it so it’s sort of… been done and… is expected. I think I might send, like, a hooker or something to her work.

UPDATE: Hookers are like 3-4 times as much as normal today. Fuck that. I’ll just eat her out next time I see her.

The Night-Time Ritual

Drink a bottle of wine. Overeat. Read Raw act in angry voice. Pass out and sleep in a baby-esque manner.

Chyeah.

Valentine’s Day Massacre

I really do not like Valentine’s Day. It’s a bit of a worry. It all stems back to something that happened on Valentine’s Day 1994. At the time I was married to a wonderful woman.

I woke up and saw rose petals strew all over the floor, leading to the living room.

Straight away I knew something was wrong.

I followed the trail, growing more and more concerned.

And then I saw her… my wife was hung from the ceiling, her innards strew across the floor and a hexagon painted on the ground in the shape of a pentagon.
And that's why I don't like Valentine's Day. That said, it was a pretty sweet gesture from her.

Help!

I need some suggestions from the general reading public here.

There’s this dead guy on my front steps right. Well he won’t go away. I gave him some meat and he just keeps hanging around. Wanting more meat, presumably. I’ve tried shoeing him but it does nothing.

I think he could try and sell me something at any second. Or maybe even offer to clean my gutters for $10. And that’s almost as bad as selling something.

This is really bad. What do I do?

More Like FLAVOUR Stick

Man, chap sticks are just about in a world of their own.

The original flavour was alright. Got the job done.

Then along came mint flavour for those minty fresh feeling lips.

And now nacho cheese flavour. Just delicious. I’m licking my lips heaps and making the problem worse. I want them to invent a salsa flavour so I can put nacho cheese on the bottom lip and salsa on the top and have an entire meal chap stick.

Introverted Shirt Day

So it was introverted shirt day at work today. Everyone had to wear a quiet shirt that doesn’t really blend with other shirts. We had to bring $5 too and donate it to some charity. Something about retards. I wasn’t really paying attention.

So that’s me. What’s new with you?

I’m Not Fat

I’m just big boned/consume more calories than I burn.

That’s practically anorexic.