No I Did Not

They Said It Couldn’t Be Done

So the other night I was out with The Girl, having a bite to eat BECAUSE THE BITCH HAD TO SHOUT ME DINNER FOR MISSING MY FUCKING RAW EVENING HOW COULD SHE DO SUCH A THING.

All was going well until we got to dessert.

There were only two items on the dessert menu that evening:

• Some apple thingy with balsamic and shit
• An orange and chocolate and ice cream and weird thing

So we discussed each and which we would each like to try. But it was hard. On the one hand you had the nice refreshing bite of the apple, but the orange would have a delicious citrus punch.

As you can imagine, the argument was getting pretty heated/carried away (“Bitch, how you like dem apples”, etc). That was until we both paused and realised that we had done something incredible and compared apples and oranges.

Don’t Look Now!

Fucken ex-girlfriend!

*averts eyes

Fucken Hell I'm a Bit Sleepy Ey

I'm a bit sleepy ey. Fucken hell.

Stunts

So now that Raw is over, I wonder what to do next.

I need a project to keep me occupied. And it must be bigger than the last.

Fuck this is tricky.

I reckon a drug addiction would probably help. Certainly can’t hurt.

My Celebrity Encounter

So I saw this unnamed celebrity out in the city the other night. I was pretty chuffed so I yelled out that she rocks or something. She smiled then came over and handed me an artichoke before walking off.

{{The Count}}

11

Awesome!

So I’m reading up about this minor medical condition I have (don’t worry girls, not penis related) and see this:

“Symptoms… may improve when drinking alcohol.”

I’m not drunk, I’m getting treatment/CURED!

The Road to Raw – The End of the Road

Sydney had put on a cold and wet night for my big coming out. As we got closer to starting time the rains intensified. It was ominous.

I rocked up a bit late and headed through the doors for the contestant briefing.

“Who are you?” ask one of the organisers.
“Jobe.”
“Oh, he’s on first,” joked the MC.

Or at least I THOUGHT she was joking. The set list was read and, yes, I was FUCKING FIRST UP.

It was pretty much over from that point as I kissed the dream goodbye.

So I did my shit. I went okay.

I didn’t win.

I lost to some “political” comedian that was a state finalist last year and some other dude that I didn’t care for too much that made jokes about The Gays.

People said that I featured in their own top five. I put my performance closer to “top four” but whatever.

So I’m pretty much suicidal at the thought of being remarkably less funny than last years Raw finalists. Need to re-evaluate life, blog, etc. I have failed you, The Internet.

Post your predictions in the comments section.

Sometimes All You Need is Headlines

“Man jailed for cupboard kidnap and rape.”
/avoids cupboard sex gag

The Road to Raw

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

There are only 2 days left.

I am so underprepared.

I've been so nervous that I'm shaking and I can't speak.

This is so fucking bad!



Nah, not really. I'm pretty chilled about the whole thing. This will be a walk in the park. Which is good, because the whole thing happens at Moore Park, which is a park (apparently).



Now if you'll excuse I'm going to go and listen to Radiohead and cry myself to sleep because I'm sooooo freakin worried.