Compromise

The other day The Girl said she wants to see other people.

I said okay, but let’s cheat on them with each other.

She wasn’t keen. I think this is one of those “rough patches” people in relationships have.

What Are We Mint To Believe?

Is it just me or are mints getting more extreme?

First we had Zones, which came out and blew everyone away because to that point we were use to Juicy Fruits and Extra. Zones were brutal.

Then came Eclipse, even stronger than Zones and unable to cope with for some people.

Then came those fucking fresh breath strips that really aren’t good if you put an entire packet in your mouth at once.

Where now? I’m really scared. But at the same time I really want good breath and I’ll put myself through anything (a gauntlet?) to get it.

Piece of Advice

Don’t get a footjob from a 60 year old.

She might seem kinda cute from the waist up. But, believe me, no 60 year old has nice feet.

It was hard to see where her varicose veins ended and where my penal veins began. It was a mesh of wrinkles and veins and fluids and corns.

A Different Point of Interview

So today I interviewed the spouse of someone else at work for a job.

Throughout the interview I couldn’t stop trying to picture them at BBQs with friends.

It wasn’t easy, let me tell you.

{{The Count}}

10

A Survey

1 – Strongly Disagree
2 – Disagree
3 – Neutral
4 – Agree
5 – Strongly Agree

Honest2Goodness Update

This is really weird but I could have sworn I saw Chad in a shop today.

But he died years ago.

It couldn’t have been…

Oh Dear….

Baby, I never thought this would happen to me but… I have CDs. You might want to get yourself checked out in case you have some too.

I know, I know. I promised you I was clean. But I’ve fucked up…

Fuck, my (sexual) life is over…

I Forgot How Much I Loved You...

Yay!

Random Thoughts While… Bombing Out of Raw

• Wow, it’s bright, I can’t see anyone in the audience.
• Oh, fuck, I forgot my second joke.
• Still pissed off I have to go first.
• Oh, right, that was the second joke.
• I wonder if any blog stalkers are in the audience.
• Okay, this is going fine.
• Cool, a bit thought up on the spot that I didn’t mess up.
• This cord is irritating.
• I should expose my penis/breasts.
• When do I get groupies?
• They laughed a bit too much at a joke about incest for my liking…
• Oh, wait, I wrote the joke about incest. My bad.
• I could go some salmon right now.
• This cord is irritating.
• Blah blah blah. Let’s get this over and done with <-- kinda boring.
• Punchline, etc.
• Final joke.
• Where the fuck is the curtain opening?
• There it is!
• Oh, wait, nope.
• There it is!

Exhausting Work

Shit, I’ve exhausted all of our supplies!

I know I was working them hard but I thought they could handle it.

Damn. Now what are we going to do with supplies this exhausted?

High Five for Jesus

Man, all these people (girls, mostly) want high fives from me these days.

What’s with that?

Why can’t I just love?

Things I Know About… Deer

• Baby reindeer is called a caribou.
• Live in forests.
• Also live in zoos but is that really a life?
• Probably don’t eat apples.
• Plural is not ‘deers’.
• From the goat family (maybe).
• Taste delicious when shot young, not so delicious when left to die from natural causes.
• Can’t catch many sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) from them.
• One of God’s favourite animals, even though he acts like he has no favourites.
• Easily startled.
• Common names are Bambi, Prancer and other borderline homosexual shit.
• Most common way to die is being hunted in pubs with plastic shotguns.
• Unrelated to phrase "oh dear".
• If I wanted to say "oh dear" moments before noticing a deer, it would be odd.

What Would Jobe Do?

Dear Jobe,

It is very hot today. I feel that it is too hot to move. Whatever can I do?


Believe it or not, this is the most common question I get asked in my What Would Jobe Do? section. It’s probably because I am a 5th degree blackbelt in beating the heat.

The truth is, many people feel helpless when the heat comes to visit. Not everyone has an awesome support network that they can turn to in such situations. While it would take years (fucken ages probably) to teach all of my heat-beating secrets, I can give you a few hints now.

Have you tried:

• Building a sweat? Amazingly, hot days are great for sweating.
• Feeling apathetic? Get that shit out of your system while you still can!
• Drinking iced tea? Fuck me dead this shit is awesome. Almost as good as milkshakes.
• Burning your feet on the scorching concrete? Oh man, such a rush! Even better than walking on hot coals.

Five Things I Might Decide To Do Now That Raw Comedy Is Over (That sound suspiciously like six things)

• Write a good Australian sitcom.
• Think of more acronyms that can be used at work that sound like animal noises. “Have you checked the BARK”, etc.
• Write cookbook.
• Man, you’ve change, man.
• Quit blog.
• Write letter to band Bloc Party.
• Reminisce about glory days of being on stage/in showbiz.