And So It Begins

The fortnight of blog fever begins with...

THE FIRST ANNUAL WTOMH AUTO-EROTIC ASPHYXIATION WEEKEND

It's going to be fun!

Big Brother Blog

Haven’t seen any Big Brother since my last post.

There was an ad on TV about some sort of unexpected twist but I don’t know what it is. My guess is that they are all going to train to be chefs and then open up an upmarket restaurant in Dreamworld, but I could be wrong.

This Is Not That Post

This is not that post.

This Is That Post

This is that post.

Jobe’s Weight Maintenance Blog (145kg)

Starting Weight: 145kg
Last Week’s Weight: 145kg
Current Weight: 144kg

I really messed up this week.

Normally the first week is the easiest. You’re all excited and working towards the goal and shit and it’s all easy and energetic. But I really fucked up and didn’t eat much.. I just wasn’t that hungry.

I really need to work hard over the course of the next week to put back on the weight I so stupidly lost. It’s like starting all over again…

Having a Whine (About Wine) EITHER/OR DECISION MADNESS

So I’m drinking a wine from Australia at the moment which has bubbles in it.

Do I say I’m drinking a “sparkling white wine” because it’s technically correct and so that people don’t think I’m uncultured? But then run the risk that people will get confused or think that I’m too wanky.

OR

Do I say that I’m drinking “champagne” because people will know what I’m drinking, even though it’s not technically true, but also run the risk that people who know about wine will think I’m uncultured?

This really is the decision that will shape my weekend….

This Is That Post

This is that post that drives you crazy. It’s not written by you or I. No no! It’s written by a middle aged housewife with a child. This post annoys you because you stumble across the blog after seeing countless people refer to it as the most hilarious thing on the internet. This post is about how my child took a shit the other day and some of it went into my cake batter without me knowing until the cake was already in the oven and the house started smelling like shit and then my mother-in-law came over and ate some cake before I could warn her. I dubbed it the “poo cake”. All the while my husband was on the couch doing nothing and I was tempted to give him some poo cake because he is such a lovable fool. This post will conclude with a joke about wanting to put my child to bed at 3pm so I can drink wine.

This post will go on to receive many nominations in an international blogging contest for “Funniest Post” and “Best Humour Blog”. You will see this in a few months time and feel anger. You will go on to your blog and write a post about how angry you are about this post. Housewives will angrily complain on your blog that you just don't get it.

Sorry

We've just have had an unusually high level of applicants lately on the blog.

No, Let's Not Forget About Us

Guys,

Even though we’re going to different schools next year let’s make a pact to stay in touch!

So Fucked Up On Ice

In preparation for the fortnight of blog fever that begins next weekend and runs for two weeks, I’ve been trying to find some mind-altering substances that will help me get into that special posting zone where I can access the deepest, darkest caverns of my mind for faux-hilarity.

It used to be the iced green tea that brought me to that point, but this weekend I have discovered something even better: iced black coffee.

Combining that shit probably isn’t good but I’m thinking of making jugs of both the iced green tea and iced coffee and drinking them in conjunction for a sort of iced beverage speedball that will spur me on and allow me to write 50 posts in one night.