IT Vampires

“He says the USB stick around his neck wards off IT vampires.”

“But that’s just stupid.”

“Yeah.”

A Whole (Aquatic) World of Trouble

I just sold an octopus to a guy. Haha he had no idea what he was getting himself in for.

I told him you can feed it basically anything, like Kettle chips and spacefood sticks.

I'm sitting here throwing back shots of vodka, thinking about the last time we fucked. We fucked with such purpose, like it was the last time we would ever make love. I had no idea that it would be...

Raw Comedy Finals

Now what the fuck was this shit? This was an abortion of comedy. The dude that won was okay but what the fuck were the rest doing?

You showed about two and half minutes of their five minute sets and I'm guessing that was the highlights. I shudder to think what else they said.

You seriously fucked up.

What's with awarding that 16 year old kid the prize for best first time entrant? Yeah he was funny for a 16 year old (most 16 year olds being little shits with their Myspace's and underage drinking and roasting parties and shit) but why should age play a part?

Fucking hell.

And what was that half Asian half Welsh chick doing? She had to be the worst excuse for a comedian that I have ever seen. People groaned she was that bad. How the FUCK could you push her all the way to the finals?

I'm not pissed off you didn't choose me--okay maybe a little but not HEAPS--but that was a fucking terrible array of "talent" on display.

Just who judged this shit? Do you even know what fresh comedy is or do you prefer to keep choosing the same shit that has been going through the system for the past 15 years?

I bet that of the 500 entrants there were dozens of people who could joke rings (I dunno, fuck) around the 12 talentless bums you had on the stage. Australia is home to some of the funniest people in the world yet year after year you continue to pick utterly shit comedians to go on to bigger and better things.

And who ever thought that middle-aged female comedians were funny? Why must we keep picking them. They are not funny. I understand that there has to be political correctness but this is a TALENT competition and, I hate to break it to you, but 95% of female comedians are fucking terrible.

You are fucked, your finals were terrible, the comedians don't deserve to go anywhere and the judges have no idea what talent is. Stage presence does NOT equal comedic talent.

Fuck off and die.

So Alone

I got depressed and spent the majority of the day looking through my archives, reminiscing over lost loves and time spent pondering my existence. I stumbled upon a post made about 2 years ago where I yearn for a kindred spirit blogger. Someone who has a blog like mine.

It occurred to me that in the two years that have passed since that entry, I have found no one who I "got" or that I could relate to (in terms of blogging/life). "Yes, my dear, I too have wondered what the non-trademarked term for 'paddlepop stick' is."

And I felt even more depressed and alone than ever.

5pm is also a dark hour for Jobe.

A Poem

Time
Crushing
Dark
{{Shadows}}
Laundry basket

12pm = a dark hour for Jobe

She left me for another man.

I need to take a break from blogging. Thanks for your patience.

Oh Shit!

I just noticed the connection between the last 2 posts.

Oh fuck, something bad is going to happen tonight.

Tonight

So tonight I'm going to see Laura with some dudes (lol, sausage party Jobe), which should be good.

But I took note of the opening act and I think I may be in love. She's a multi-instrumentalist indie rock chick with dark hair. Gosh. I think she's pretty too. And she appears to enjoy the Mighty Boosh.

So if I don't blog for a few days just assume I got married and started a family with her or some shit. Apologies to all the chicks whose heart I have just broken because they were like 10 minutes away from asking me out. But don't worry, not all is lost. You could be that chick and we might meet tonight so I saved you the cost of an SMS!

Dream Interpretation

It’s fucking hard when you can’t sleep because all you keep seeing is the image of you crouching over the body of your wife on your wedding day as she lies lifeless on a winding road, bleeding from a massive headwound.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING ON THE ROAD, MY LOVE?

IT WASN’T YOUR TIME

TAKE ME, ETC

Got Nothing

Do you ever open up Google and totally forget what you’re searing for?

I do.

Pretty sure I made a similar post before…

Cooking w/ Jobe

Hey, here's an awesome kitchen tip.

When making dumplings, instead of frying them in a pan, avoid the temptation to cook them in a sandwich press, as they will taste bad.

Actually, I lie. They will taste more like fucking terrible.

The Book of 500 Skits

So I got this awesome idea where I’ll write 500 comedy skits based around a loose theme for TV, call it “The Book of 500 Skits”, print it out and then give it to some TV cunts and act all cool about it.

“Read it and hire me or something. There’s like a whole series worth of shit there. I dunno. Whatever. I’m thirsty…”

I was certain that it was my key to fame. They’d speak amongst themselves (quickly, because they’d be at a library at the time) and be all “have you seen that Book of 500 Skits taking the world of television by storm? I’m so scared about getting a bullet in my face in the bidding war.

Until I realised that I can’t write comedy and I don’t know any TV cunts.

Oh well.

I want to touch you in the mouth, baby.

Look, by acting that way you’re only brining us closer together. We unite against you. Is that what you want?

Frequently Asked Question

Q: Jobe, what is your returns policy?

A: Shit, what ISN’T my returns policy.

FYI

Shopping in the middle of the day in a crowded store while a bit tipsy is not a pleasant experience.

But, on the positive side, shopkeepers do tend to bother you less.

FYI

He’s Really Rude

Guys, I need some help here.

There’s a surly fish hanging around my kitchen and I have no idea how to get rid of him.

I tried eating him but he was all “errrr ya caaaaaarrrrnt, don’t go eatin’ me boy or I’ll sock ya one in the nose.”

I’ve just been camping out in my bedroom while I wait for him to go away. But I think he’s settling in. I heard him making coffee and using the sandwich press.

What can I do to get him to leave? I tried spraying him with Baygon but he just coughed for a while. He has a really horrible cough.

The Road to Raw – Hindsight

Well The Road to Raw is long gone, but this week the ABC are screening the national final of the competition that decided I was too much of a chubby ugger to progress.

It probably screens this Thursday night around 9.25pm but you might want to be all anal and check your local guides or some shit. If you don’t have a copy of your local guide then you better borrow it off someone or you’re totally fucked.

“Hi neighbour, can I borrow your local guide real quick?”
“I DON’T TRUST YOU. THIS IS SYDNEY WHERE NO ONE SPEAKS TO EACH OTHER I’M CALLING THE COPS.”
“Oh shit! <-- I’ll miss Raw because I am at the police station “getting (ice) grilled”


Furthermore, I also recommend you make flashcards for the night. Examples:
“Jobe was better than this guy/girl”
“Fuck, not another muslim comedian”
“This muslim comedian isn’t funny”
“I tell you what’s funny – the amount of muslim comedians here that aren’t funny”
“Oh, wow, a funny muslim comedian!”
“Just kidding lol”
“Oh, wow, a funny political comedian!”
“Just kidding rofl”
“This is shit, I’m gonna go read Jobe’s blog instead. See you.”

Quick Post

This is a quick post to let you know that quick post now kill 99.9% of germs.

Four Animals That Are “Asking For It” (Arranged So It Is Also An Acrostic Poem Showing What They’re “Asking For”)

• Penguin
• Emu (no ostrich)
• Rabbit (but not the hare)
• Mouse

{{SKELETON SIGHTING}}

Anyone see that new iPod commercial where there is the dancing silhouette of a skeleton on the screen in front of a green background?

Fucken scary.

Saw it last night about 4am. I think that’s the only time they run it.

Not The Case

HOLY SHIT A NEW FEATURE ON THE BLOG. LET'S GET INTO IT

You’d think with all of these conversations in my head that I’d have a lot of social skills.

Not the case.

Jobe, I Bet You’re Sad

Today I discovered that a betting system I developed is very far from perfect. So far from perfect in that if you use it then long term you will lose more than someone with no betting strategy at all.

And then I learn that there is no betting system that can ever work, even if the odds of winning are 50/50.

It’s going to take me a while to recover from this.

Q: Holy shit, Jobe. Sounds rough! Are you going to become emo now?

A: Maybe. 50/50 odds.

Q: Can I bet on you becoming emo or not.

A: I wouldn’t recommend it! (but yes you can)

Contra-dick-tory

“I’d say I was asexual but all of this masturbation over images of females appears to indicate otherwise.”

“So, basically, you’re straight but haven’t been laid for a long time.”

“Pretty much.”

"What if I told people I was a non-practising asexual? Would that work?"

"I really doubt it."

Wash Your Mouth Out (With Flavour)

I used some lavender soap today. It was pretty fucken luxurious, let me tell you. I reeked of lavender for hours afterwards. Chicks were digging it pretty hardcore.

But lavender isn’t really that good. I don’t encounter lavender much in my day to day life, so I think so more appropriate soap flavours would come in handy. Such as:

• Aroma of staying at home on a Saturday to watch TV and drink alone
• Nacho cheese (“Wow, you smell tangyyyy”)
• Soup
• Thai green beef curry (with real beef chunks!)

I’ll probably type a letter to Johnson and Johnson some time tomorrow.

Fucking Internet

Damn interactive internet ads.

No longer can I ignore them.

I’m a competitive dude. There is no fucking way that a pixelated Santa Claus is going to drink more egg nog than me.

NO CHANCE!