A Multi-Question Challenge (For Hotbabes)

Question One
If someone has sex with the dead body of an animal, would you say that was:
A: Necrophilia
OR
B: Bestiality

Question Two
If a guy came up to you in a bar/club and asked you the above question, would you be:
A: Interested
OR
B: Turned off

Both of the above is not an option.

Attn: Family

Please stop watching Spicks and Specks while I try to sleep.

No show is possibly as funny as you are acting.

I have watched Spicks and Specks, it is not as funny as you are acting.

You make Wednesday nights shit.

If You’re Going To Talk About Me At The Bar…

Please don’t do it while my friend isn’t standing right fucking next to you.

“Okay, dare time.”
“hit, what this time?”
“See that guy over there?”
“Yeah…”
“I’ll buy the next round if you walk over there, tell him he’s cute and kiss him.”
“No fucking way! Look at him!”
“Fine, you buy the next round then.”
“Hey!”
“Your choice…”
“…”

Fucking bitches. Don’t mess with people’s feelings.

More Than a Shit Haircut

I was flipping through the Guinness Book of Records the other day when I noticed how many people there are that have done extraordinary things for God. Like some dude never cuts his nails, and another crawled for centuries on his knees.

I want to prove my dedication to God in a similar manor. That’s why I’m going to get a really shit haircut and live with it forever.

The style won’t suit me and it’ll cost heaps to maintain, but people will see my dedication and faith and, hopefully, be inspired.

Another Prosecco Bandit

So I was at the station after work the other day when some drunk old dude approaches us and starts rambling on about his pathetic life.

After entertaining us with a rousing rendition of Elvis’ “Roustabout”, he starts telling us how he’d been in court that day, but he wouldn’t bother telling us why because we would understand due to how serious it is.

But I know a lot of shit. I’d hazard the guess that I was smarter than him too. And, I mean, if he did something sexual I’d get that for sure. That’s my speciality.

What Would Jobe Do?

Dear Jobe,

I’m going on a firstdate with a hotbabe in a few days and I have no idea what to wear! It’s been months since I last had a date and I’m pretty rusty.

Thanks,
Firstdater in Decatur


Sup,

When I think about what to wear on a date, the most important thing is always socks. Did you know that your choice of sockwear can make or break a romantic evening? Just following these tips:

• No dirty socks!
• If you’re going to score, then wear socks that aren’t brand new, but are still very presentable. You don’t want to wear new socks and get new sock residue on your foot. The chick will probably not lick your toes.
• If you aren’t going to score then wear new socks, it’s a good opportunity to break them in and they look and smell great.
• If you aren’t sure whether you’ll score or not (ie dating a slut that normal has one night stands but you don’t know if she fucks on dates), then it’s best to wear no socks at all. That way you won’t run the risk of wearing a bad pair of socks.

Also vital to clothing on a firstdate is the t-shirt (if going to a t-shirt venue). The only t-shirts I ever wear are white and brand new, so there is no wearing, discolouration or staining. Because I used to go on a lot of firstdates, I found that I was spending approximately 400 per cent of my salary on white t-shirts. That was until I discovered that you can make your own white t-shirts for next to nothing if you set up a sweatshop in a country like Asia. My Asian sweatshop churns out white t-shirt after white t-shirt for me for only a few cents per shirt.

To make sure my sweatshop runs efficiency I employed the services of Culinary Critic and Iron Chef Judge, Asako Kishi to overlook things.

“This shirt represents a TRIUMPH in sewing with white fabric. A normal white shirt is good, but what we have created her is something truly special. This is very nice.”

Good luck on your date!

Jobe.


I you would like to know What Jobe Would Do when faced with your problem/question then just email Jobe for a response.

Lonely

Fuck, I’m so lonely that I could just go out and kill all of the slags that have rejected me over the years, but I won’t because that will leave me slightly more alone in terms of world population. And if I kill a pregnant slag that has rejected me then that’s like twice as alone.
I CANNOT WIN

Winter Hobbies

• Warmth (collecting, storing)
• Cold (hiding from, beating)
• Catching Colds
• Snowball Kisses (seems seasonally appropriate)

Have You Noticed?

That every 2-3 weeks this blog takes on a very fucked-up sexual tone?

Just noticed that now.

It sort of corresponds with how I am in relationships. They always go in cycles where we build up to a week of crazy sex, which is always followed by a week where I don’t have any interest in sex.

“Let’s do something tonight, Jobey honey.”
“Sure. What do you want to do?” (I always put the lady’s interests first)
“How about we do what we did last week? I just got a new chair that we can break the legs off and sodomise each other with.”
“How about dinner and a movie?”
“That’s boring! Let’s be freaky!”
“We can see a MA movie if you want....” (I'm considerate) "...as long as it has no sex scenes."

There’s a Weight That’s Pressing Down

So last week I installed heaps of blue-tinted mirrors in my house. But then I noticed that I looked like a vampire when I wore blue clothing (which is just about every second!) so I got scared and removed them all.

Halved

So it looks like I’m going a secondment at work for a while.

I like the sound of the word.

“Sorry, babe. Gotta get home and rest. More secondment action tomorrow.”
“They second you so hard.”
“I know… I know…”
“Well… Bye”
“Bye. I’d kiss you but I don’t want to get you seconded too.”
“*sigh/pine*”

Quizmaniacs

Quizmania confuses me. For the sake of this argument, we’ll put aside the fact that it is the worst show to ever be on television.

Now, try to follow my logic here:

• You need to be 18 to enter the Quizmania games.
• You only watch Quizmania to enter the games or wack off to the host (hi Nikki, u2u me).
• Quizmania screens at 12am-3am or something like that. Therefore, no child is awake.

Which brings me to my point:

WHY THE FUCK DON’T THEY MAKE QUIZMANIA ADULTS ONLY?

Exected Benefits:

• Hosts do entertaining sexual things to pass the time instead of saying boring things like “come on, guys. This is so easy…. *awkward pause* This is literally SO easy… It’s an easy one guys. *awkward pause* Call in now. It couldn’t be easier”.
• Instead of saying “wow, this is a LOT of money here guys. Triple money!” they can say things like “fucking hell that’s shitloads of cash. You’d have to be a faggot not to call in now and try win this shit.”
• Callers will change from people depressed to be awake to excited old men, telling the hosts that they are hotter than their dead wife. “John! What are you up to tonight?” “… Ah..haha……um….. gardening…. Yeah” "Okaaaaay, what's your fucking answer?"

Courtship

Nah ill be busy one day

“Hi, Jobe!”

“Hey!”

“I was wondering. Do you wanna go out to dinner or something? You know… together?”

“I’d love to! When do you want to do?”

“Oh, any time that’s good with you.”

“Oh… you know that doesn’t really suit me. I’m going to be pretty busy then…”

Life in the Fast Lane

In retrospect it probably was excessive to create a list of dot points when I had just one brief point to make.

SCRIPT: Play School

So I’ve been trying to make it as a writer for decades now to little avail, so my agent suggested I write some demo scripts for popular shows that I’d like to write for, so we could show them my work. Play School has been on TV forever so that looks like a pretty stable writing job, so I suggested that.

“Oh. Do you think that your… content… is suited to Play School’s audience?” he questioned.

I told him that most of the shit I write is filled with universal topics so it should be cool. Like love. Kids love their parents (unless they beat them).

“Oh dear…” was all he said.

So fuck you, Anton Anderson, “talent agent”, I present you with my Play School script thusly:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

INT. WAREHOUSE. NIGHT
2 HOSTS

THEME SONG PLAYS

1: “Hi! How are you today? Pretty chillin, I hope!”
2: “I like the colour blue.”
1: “Shit, me too ey!”
2: “I like the colour blue so much I’m going to paint with it and sing about it.”
1: “I’ll beatbox for you.”

2 SINGS:

“The colour blue, it is so blue
Yo son, step to me and I’ll ruin you
I can paint a blue dog or a blue mouse
Shout outs to my homies locked up in the big house”

1 BEATBOXES:

“Bookachoo brrrbrrr bchhhkkk brrr brrrr bckkk”

2: “That sure was fun! And look what I’ve drawn!”

2 shows camera painting of dog

2: “Do you know what this is? It’s a dog!”
1: “It’s pretty shit…”
2: “Do you know what noise a dog makes? …Woof. Woof.”
1: “And you know what a female dog is called? A b…”
2: “…Let’s see what time it is on the rocket clock!”
1: “Fuck, I love this bit. Do you?”

1 WANKS FURIOUSLY

ROCKET CLOCK SEGMENT STARTS


So email me or something if you want more scripts, ABC (or anyone else I guess).

jobilates(at)gmail.com

Scarf Tissue

Scarves are fucking ill at keeping the neckal region warm during winter, but that isn’t enough for me. I get cold in many other places (such as the heart?).

That’s why I want to make a whole body scarf. It’ll be approximately 30 metres long and I suspect will be “all the rage”.

On Death

So I was comforting a friend the other day whose girlfriend died. He was pretty cut up about it.

But I think I managed to cheer him up when I told him it could have been worse: she could have died when he was inside her. And then I lightened the mood by giving some examples about how she could die while he was inside her.

Cereal Thrills

Sometimes I feel sorry for the father in the Vita Brits ad. You know, the one where the new-age daughter comes in and mixes up some foul forest nut cereal while he eats Vita Brits and she tells him off.

If you want your father (who looks a lot like that Rob Decastella guy) to eat whole grains then why not just ask him if he’d like you to make him a tasty bowl of your forest nuts? There really is no need to come in and start telling him off about not knowing what whole grains are. I don’t think he’d want to start off his day on a negative note.

Which is why I think I would be a perfect boyfriend for the Vita Brits girl. I’d get along with her father really well. We’d eat Vita Brits, drink beer, watch the footy and crack jokes about his daughter. She’d love me pretty bad so she’d laugh along.

“Your daughter gives shit blowjobs, Mr VitaBritMan!”
“Haha I know, tell me about it! Doesn’t take after her mother at all!”
“You guys are mean, lol!”
“Give me a blow job, bitch.”
“Okay…”
“Yeah, me too, princess.”

Jobe’s Weight Maintenance Blog

Starting Weight: 145kg
Last Weigh-In: 145kg
Current Weight: 145.5kg

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I am so fucking stupid! Why do I keep sabotaging my happiness?

Triple Double Standards

So I was out in a bar the other night when I saw a slut talking to a group of cool, men’s men type of guys.

They were having a go at her, calling her a slut and shit. And asking her if she wanted to have slut sex with them all at once (she probably did, since sluts like that).

She told them off for having double standards and walked off.

I followed.

I approached her while she stood at the bar, glanced over, and told her that I actually have triple standards and I would like to take her home and show her and that she was a slut so she pretty much had to come anyway.