No Racist

Look, I’m not racist, but I had an ethnic experience last night that was really annoying.

I was out at a bar and I saw this hot arse bitch (HAB) that I just had to approach. Long story short, she was brown. I thought it was great! Really different!

So I go up to her and ask her where she was from.

“Parramatta,” she says.

“No, originally,” I replied. It was pretty fucking obvious what I was asking and she was just being heaps difficult.

“Originally? Well I was born at Canterbury hospital.”

It was blindingly obvious that I was getting nowhere and she did not understand me.

Fucking annoying. Learn the language before you come to the country plz.

Ended up hooking up with some slag from the Shire. A good night all in all.

More Advice From The 50-Year-Old Divorced Guy

Befriend beautiful women by pretending to be caring and sensitive while doing chick things (washing, cooking, etc). Exploit this friendship to either get sex out of them or hookups with their equally beautiful friends.

The phrase, “come on, we’re friends aren’t we?” will serve you well and win many arguments.

Dear City

I got rid of Burwood today.

From now on it’s just you and me, I promise.

I can’t wait until we’re together. Only four more days and I’ll be inside you.

Jobe xoxo

Babysitter Shark

When I was young I had a shark for a babysitter. You're probably thinking that it sounds pretty shit

"Yeah, Jobe. Sounds shit!"

but it was actually pretty cool.

She made me awesome food to eat when I was hungry and kept evil paedos away with her jaws of steal.

She only bit me once the whole time, and that was because I interrupted her breeding zone (well that's what she called it).

Ah Yes!

This soup is just what the doctor ordered!


{{MOMENTS EARLIER!!!}}



Hi! Can I get a soup, please.

The Nation (of Photoshop artists)

Hi Mr Mick Malloy,

I caught your new show, The Nation, last night and I have a few things to say (oh no, Jobe is going to bitch):

• Akmal wasn't funny.
• Too much photoshop.
• That Peter fellow looked a bit unsettling. I don't want to vote for him. But I suppose this doesn't impact you. <--ignore
• I enjoyed the first 2 photoshops. The other 25 were a bit boring.
• Jackie O has no place on TV.
• You were very nervous. Please stop that next time.
• I could probably make a better show.
• You would be funny if you were on ABC, but this does not work on a major label station. Sorry. It was too shiny.
• A few too many photoshop gags (48).

The post I wrote the other day but don’t get when I look at it now

If I was a letter of the alphabet, I’d hate to be called “Dear John”, because opening my mail would be constantly upsetting.

“Oh, shit, my internet service provider is breaking up with me!”

Attn: Burwood

Goodbye for a month, you saucy minx. I won't miss you. Please stop calling me and writing letters.

I'll hang out with you until the end of the week, but after that I think we should have a month apart where we see other people/suburbs.

I'm going to be in the city, but please don't take that as an invitation to show up at my work and do psycho shit like putting pieces of your hair in my drawers or leaving secret messages in my CD-Rom drive.

Let's just leave it at that, okay.

You're a Cunt

Sometimes I put a post up that I enjoy quite a lot and no one comments on it. I often think that I shouldn't make any more posts until someone comments on it.

But then that would be robbing you of my comedy. And I'm not into petty theft.

WTOMH Season Two DVD OUT THIS WEEKEND!!!!

After the success of the first WTOMH DVD, Jobe's back to do it all again on the complete Season Two collection.

Join Jobe again as he plows through topics ranging from childbirth to child raising and everything in between with a hilarious conversational tone that is borderline irritating but it's really okay too.

Special Features

• Audio commentary on selected blogs.
• Bonus deleted blogs and blogging outtakes.
• Nudity and shit.

ON SALE SATURDAY!!!

Pick it up from JB Hi-Fi, Ezy DVD, Easyway and all good places.

Jobe’s Big Brother Blog

Oh man, what a week in the BB house!

I assume, anyway. I haven’t seen any.

Although I did see an ad for the nominations show and some dude (looked ethnic? Not sure) was wearing a shirt that I mistook for a promotional shirt for Little Brother’s last album.

But he didn’t appear to be a Little Brother fan so I immediately dismissed that thought.

This Blog is Dedicated...

My juice is talking to me.

I don’t know if it has ever spoken to you. I doubt it. I don’t even know who you are and I doubt my juice knows any better. Just who are you, anyway? Who let you in?

Steve? Who’s Steve?

Oh, right, Steve.

What about the juice? Oh, right, yeah. It’s talking and stuff.

What’s it saying? Oh… lots…

I dunno, too much to summarise right now. You’d need to know the context.

I do know what it’s saying! It’s saying... Look! What it’s saying isn’t important. I mean, it is! Just… not right now. But one day?

Inflection at the end of what sentence? No, there was no inflection. It means nothing.

Shhhh it’s talking again.

You can’t hear anything? Yeah, well... that time I made it up to test you. But it normally talks.

{{The Count}}

1

Bad Luck, Okay

Look, I’m sick of getting your emails about this.

If you forgot to put your blog tips in for this week and went shit I really don’t give a fuck. It’s your fault you forget and ended up with all the away blogs tipped.

End of the matter. No more emails.

NIGHTSAFE AREA

It can get pretty dangerous browsing this blog at night, alone. So if you are browsing at night and feel anxious or unsafe, just head into this post, henceforth known as the blog’s Nightsafe Area (of safety at night).

The WTOMH Back Room

After the incredible success of my STD Porn website, I’ve decided to start working on a new venture. I haven’t decided for sure, but I’ve narrowed it down to the following 3 options:

Sleepcore: Porn with guys falling asleep while they’re inside chicks. Possibly also a section on multiple guys falling asleep inside the one chick. Most videos/picture sets finish with the chick crying and blaming herself. Every now and then there will be an old guy fucking the chick and we won’t know if he’s dead or sleeping.

Long Jacket, Long Scarf Bitches: Chicks wearing really long jackets and scarves doing sexual things in front of a camera. Eg, removing long scarf and long jacket from their body. I love when chicks wear that shit, surely I’m not the only one.

Chicks With Big Tits and Sore Backs GET FUCKED BY DOCTORS: Every video starts the following way: “Oh, doctor. My back is so sore.” “It’s because your tits are so big and nice.” “Really? My husband never compliments my tits.” “Well to be safe I should examine you. Take off those bras and let me grab on them big arse titties to get to the source of your backpain, probably lack of sex with doctors.”

Memo: Re: Unicorns

Just a quick memo to let you all know that I’ve decided to impose an age limit of 16 on girls wearing unicorn shirts, effective Monday.

Ironic unicorn shirts on girls above 16 will be confiscated and destroyed.

And thanks to all of those who came in early on Friday to help set up for the exeutive conference.

Think About It

Did you just fall up the stairs, or did the stairs trip you up because they wanted a hug?

Do stairs even get lonely?

I bet they do. Must be why we have the expression “as lonely as stairs”.