Because Everyone Else Is...

Satan’s Makin’ Somethin’ (Hint: It Is Trouble)

So I encountered a Satan last week. That’s why I haven’t been blogging much in the last week. I’ve been so freakin’ stressed out about that encounter.

See the Satan I met (met him at the shops) said that he will destroy the entire world if I (read: me) don’t sacrifice him a virgin by the same time next week.

A pretty difficult task. You can’t buy a virgin at the shop anymore (now that slavery is a touchy subject). But it’s not an impossible task.

Then he adds his little fucking condition. He goes he wants me to sacrifice a virgin, but not a kid because that’s kid of gross and a massive cop out. He said the virgin has to be over 20. Not only that, the virgin can’t be like fat or a nerd or a religious type or anything. And a chick would be more preferable.

I seriously don’t know what to do and I am running out of time.

FYI

Hi guys,

This blog is no longer a death metal zine. Thanks for all the support over the hours. We had a great ride but it has come to an end now.

FYI

Hey guys, from now on this blog is going to be a death metal zine.

Starting tomorrow-ish.

FYI

Travelling Man

Hey, so catching the train is like a love/hate thing depending on whether you're okay or a high-maintenance freak. But one thing that really gets to me is when fat, middle-aged women say that they can't travel backwards.

WHY THE FUCK NOT?

Is it something to do with your fat affecting your balance? Do you have {{FALANCE ISSUES}}?

I wonder if you like anal sex.

*bird flies around room until we shoo it out (with a shoe)*

If there was only one seat left and the journey was for like 3 days, would you take it if it was sitting backwards? No one is going to swap seats with you because the rest of the people travelling are equally fat middle-aged women who cannot travel backwards. WILL YOU TAKE THAT SEAT OR WILL YOU NOT? You only have three days to decide. Maybe you should deduce a system.

Birds and Shit

"Your dream is to have Matthew McConaughey give you praise for a production of 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof' that you rewrote, directed and started in but which only had one showing and that was in a small theatre club in Sao Paolo?"
"Matthew McConaughey AMONG the people giving praise, yes."
"Isn't that a little... specific?"
"I've seen more specific dreams."
"Really?"
"Oh, sure. Heaps of times."
"REALLY?"
"Huh? I just answered that question. Have we entered a zone (of twilight)?"
"Maybe."
"Huh?"
"Never mind."

Travel Corner: China

So I've been travelling the world to bring you new and unique content. Love it? Yeah course you do.

Anyway, first stop was China.

So I got to China and the first thing I saw was heaps of Chinans. So I said "fuck, there are heaps of Chinans here ey". That thought stuck with me for the remainder of my Chinese trip.

But I tell you what China has that is awesome: food, locations, foliage, transport.

China: Recommended.

Good News!

The worm says that this blog won!

A Course (of Action)

So after the recent burglary, I've taken a few steps to ensure that this doesn't happen again. I've actually freaked out a bit and slightly overreacted. But I think that is much better than doing nothing.

The first thing I did was install a Panic Room. I called up the installers all "I don't give a fuck if it's 1am on a Friday night/Saturday morning, I am sitting here PANICKING and I do not have a pre-designated room in which to do it in!"

After I got that installed and I moved in, I got to work on other things. Such as:

• Calling in favours to catch the Crook that did it. "Hello, Chancellor of the Exchequer? Yes, I need a favour. Can you help me 'catch a thief'?"
• Planting various fruit trees.
• Installing heaps of booby traps around the house.

I'm a lot more secure now.