Bad Times

Never again am I going to get tired then drink Grey Goose, heaps of Spanish sherry and watch A Scanner Darkly.

Really messed up man.

I don't know what to do anymore. Do I capitalise sherry or not?

NEVAR FORGET

Things That Go Bump, Flap In The Night

Man, moths have really been shitting me something fierce lately.

Every night when I try to go to bed, one will emerge (without fail) and flap around like a dickhead in my room.

I’ve tried everything to get rid of them.

For the first week I sprayed them with poison (nightshade). Nothing.

For week two I decided to take a more natural approach and just crush their pathetic lives with my hand. Nothing.

Last week aka week three saw me having one-on-one performance discussions with the moths. “Hey, you might want to not come into my room around that time. I find it creepy to wank off in front of you and your friends and I don’t come and make noise in your room when you try to sleep. I’m going to have to give you a needs improvement.” Nothing.

I’m all out of ideas. This is shit. I’m giving serious thought to giving up the moth breeding business I’m running in my common area.

Fuck You!

Four weeks leave!

Fucking fuck yes!

I am going to track each and every one of you down and kick you in the balls/cunt.

Expect a knock on the door in the next 28 days motherfucker.

Luck

In the past 2 days I have seen 2 midgets.

That is a fantastic omen, surely!

I See The Problem

So I was on an automatic train the other day when I noticed that they've upgraded those help point things on the new Millennium trains in Sydney.

The help point things, of course, being those help point things in trains that people press to chat to high-ranking train officers when they are getting raped only to receive a total lack of concern and false assurances that help is on its way.

On the new Millennium trains, though, they now have the added function of braille on the help points.

Great! Now blind people know to press the button, followed by speak.

Small problem.

How is a blind person going to see the help point?

Correct me if I am incorrect (if you dare), but I thought that braille is only good if you know where it is. I suppose that they can guess but why would you bother? A train carriage is huge. The chance that they touch the right place when it's needed is just insanity.

Attn: The Librarians

You intrigue me.

Many parts of you were shit, but there was something about you. A certain... spark.

I may watch you and again to see if you get better.

The Drought Is Over

Well I'm pretty sure that my firstdate drought is over.

I was walking home from work last night when I went past this chick with a massive dog (not a metaphor, it was an actual dog). She was pretty cute, of course.

Anyway, I saw that the dog was quite large and said, in reference to how large the dog was, "well who is walking who?".

She giggled.

I'M IN!

I didn't give her my number or anything but I reckon I'll see her again or she'll use her dog to find me like a hound (of blood).

Okay so I'm thinking....

That alcohol helps me focus enough to write, and green tea gives me the edge I need without needing any of that pesky "sleep". So green tea cocktails will help me be a fucking creative genius for the 4 weeks I have off from work.

Oh, did I mention that? Yeah, I've got 4 weeks off from work starting next week. Oh, you don't? Never mind. But, yeah, going to be a good four weeks. I'm going to give comedy another go I think. Hotbabes attn: I probably won't date you even though I'm not busy. I have a lot of hares to wash.

Open Hearts, Open Letters

Dear Burwood,

So after two years it came to that?

While our relationship was never exciting, I did enjoy being with you sometimes. You were sweet and comfortable. You never tried to stress me out or steal my money like those other whores.

The thing I'll miss most is the odd stains on your pavement. Did you do those for me?

But in the end I guess I had to leave. Someone else came along and was more forceful. She demanded my affection and I had to give it.

Love,
Jobe




Dear Sydney Olympic Park,

You promised me everything. I left Burwood for you.

It has been one day that we have spent together but already I hate you and want to leave you.

At the end of this week I am going to spend some time away from you. I will return after that break is over, but I do not expect to be with you for much more than a few days.

I should tell you now, I will be looking for someone else while we are apart.

Love,
Jobe

Turtle Care with Jobe

So I got a turtle and would you believe that it is hard to find information on caring for a turtle?

So I studied up and made a handy video for other people whom may acquire turtle.