Roll That Shit, Light That Shit, Smoke That Shit, Dump That Bitch

So I was out on a hot firstdate the other night and all was going well, the night had been fun and was drawing to a close, etc. When she asks me if I want to go smoke a joint with her.

I now know that this was a test.

A test which I failed.

I said that I'll pass. Not that I have anything against pot, dear. I just think that I have the sort of mind that is really susceptible to getting a bit fucked up if I take drugs and I wouldn't want to expose you to that.

Well she didn't like that one bit.

No, not one bit at all.

Colloquialisms That Don't Quite Work

Colloquialisms are strange old things. Some people seem to have their own that only 5 people in the world know. But not all of them work.

• Built like a firm tent.
• Bigger than the fish that got away [makes size of fish that got away].
• Strong as an Oprah.
• Wider than the range in Cat Steven's back catalogue.

The Inner West Line, A Journey (Through Stations from Lidcombe to Wynyard)

• Lidcombe. Pretty sure people don't live here, they just come to change trains.
• Flemington. I think a news agency has an office here. Also creepy people live here, in harmony with possessive mothers.
• Homebush. People get off here incorrectly because they wanted to go to Olympic Park. No one wants to go to Homebush.
• Strathfield. The second you enter the cities limits you forget how to walk properly. You will randomly stop on the street/station when fast walking people are behind you. Diet consists of weird smelling things for cheap Asian shops.
• Burwood. A mixture of hot people, ugly people, insane people and odd women. Everything in extremes.
• Croydon. Everyone looks weird. I shit you not.
• Summer Hill. Everyone looks hot. Even the retards are... cutetards.
• Leiwsham. They're so close to Summer Hill they can almost taste it. But they can't. They're shit. Made up of that cute person in the corner that you speak to and they're nice but you could never see yourself falling head over heals for them. You'd just go out with them to get over a bad relationship.
• Petersham. They don't know what the fuck they're doing.
• Stanmore. People that tried/considered living in Newtown but felt overwhelmed. There was a guy having a panic attack near the station the other week. Pretty sure he was freaking out about the possibility of living in Newtown. "Oh, fuck, King Street and shit!"
• Newtown. The square peg didn't fit in the round hole, so it moved to Newtown where the holes are big enough to take any peg.
• Macdonaldtown. Not a real suburb. Fake. Fuck off. People who get off there do not live in Macdonaldtown.
• Redfern. Overrated.
• Central. Stupid. Some guy thought "yeah fuck it, I want to have 6 times as many platforms as Town Hall because that clearly isn't enough." Full of weird cunts that find Town Hall too "arty".
• Town Hall. Always hot and sweaty in there.
• Wynyard. The same guy that built Central went insane and decided to develop Wynyard, Town Hall's retarded cousin. Where if you have free space you put a platform, or a ticket gate. Weirdest male toilets in the fucken world.

Like Life

My impersonation of a female comedian:

"I don't normally like to talk about chick stuff, but I get really bad pap smears and infections and stuff (in my cunt)."


My impersonation of a guy watching a female comedian:

"This is shit. It's all 'I don't like to talk about PMS but I'm going to do it anyway.'"


My impersonation of a girl watching her boyfriend watch a female comedian:

"Could he be the one? Does he see his friends too often? Wow my PMS is really bad. What's that mark on the wall? What did he mean last night when he said he likes the way I look? Likes the way I look. Likes the way I look. Likes the way I look. Likes the way I look."


My impersonation of a dragonfruit:

"Fuck I'm delicious. How come no one is eating me? Why the fuck are you going for an apple, lady? Do you have ANY idea how good I taste? I'm a fucking dragonfruit for fucks sake."

The Tastiest Berry

I ate some dragonfruit today and really liked it. It reminded me of how much I liked eating the kiwiberries I tried the other week.

I think I'm going to hold a competition to find the best berry-like fruit in the world.

Every country from the globe will send representatives, armed with eskies of tasty, berry-like produce.

They will bring it to me and hope to win and therefore make their countries flow gold in their streets from the inevitable riches.

And I'll get to try mad berries.